Hello my 66 year husband is getting to the stage where he doesn't remember how to do things he’s done his whole life, power washer, riding lawn mower, laundry, etc. it's not so much he doesn’t know how to do, it’s how to get things started, the process.
I'm learning but don’t know it all yet but he gets mad at me, takes it out on me, then pouts when I can’t get something I working or don’t know how to do something
Yes we can get friends to help but in the moment it is so hard. I don’t know what to say to him to calm him down, to understand cutting the grass right now isn’t imperative, we’ll figure it out.
I also realize part of his frustration is his own realizing he doesn’t know how to do, but I sure could some advice how to deal with these kinds of situations.
thank you for listening
Some folks find making checklists helpful.
Some folks diversion to another activity helpful.
Some folks find that vitamin supplements help.
Some folks find that an anti-anxiety medication helps.
Try a little of all the suggestions until you find what works for you.
Usually at this stage he retains the ability to do each individual step but cannot put the steps together anymore. You will need to become the "manager" or enabler/encourager to assist him. Making lists can be a bridge to allow him to continue to function while he retains the ability to do individual steps. I used a word processor to make check lists so I could print a fresh one each day. Consider making a list with a check box of each step needed to mow the lawn (Check the lawn mower (oil, undercarriage, add gas, etc), walk the lawn and remove any obstructions (cans tossed from road, toys left out by grandkids, etc), start the mower and mow in a pattern, allow the mower to cool, place mower back in garage). Eventually you will need these lists for morning routines or taking a shower. As your husband's ability to do some tasks (like mowing the lawn), please consider what tasks your husband could still do with a list supporting him. Sweeping the porch? Take out the trash? Washing or peeling/dicing some vegetables? Dust a room? Run the vacuum? As my mother's short term memory declined, tasks you can see need doing and can see what you have done were very workable. Completing a morning list of simple chores allows your husband to continue to feel useful and may reduce his frustration level and your stress.
in the years since my husband has become disabled, I’d become responsible for 100% of everything. I did yard work and even took it upon myself to sell his wonderful riding mower when I almost rolled it over on the hill in our yard. When things became too difficult for me, I hired a landscaper. The things you mention can be done by others. I’m getting lawn mowing for free now since I sent up a distress signal to a Facebook group in my city that helps out Senior Citizens.
One thing that helped my husband was Occupational Therapy. This therapy works on the mind, helping a person do day to day activities. You can also do puzzles with him and card games. It’s difficult to help someone understand that they need to accept that things are changing for them. When you see your husband becoming angry and frustrated, set the chore aside for a while. Plowing along until he’s angry and at his wits end can cause hard feelings for both of you. Sending hugs and understanding.
There is an amazing Occupational Therapist named Teepa Snow who has videos that you can watch on YouTube. Very good advice about how to manage people with dementia. Give that a try and let us know if it helps!