Quick background (again) Dad and I are estranged. Mom just got diagnosed with cancer. I had to argue to get on the list at the nursing home/al just to hear about mom's medical status.
I've been grey rock and no contact with dad. Since mom's diagnosis I've been visiting more often. Dad doesn't acknowledge me when I'm there or in room. All the better.
She was on hospice, but to get radiation to shrink tumor they took her off hospice as pain treatment.
My dad makes all medical decisions. That was explicit when I spoke with the director, head nurse around 2 weeks ago. My dad's friend has some sort of POA/ executor thing. I know very little.
When I called my dad about my mom's diagnosis he said he won't discuss it with me and hung up.
Today...the NP said
" Are you arranging the radiation treatments for your mom? I stopped hospice so she would be eligible for it. Not sure what is happening."
My reply, "No. I was never asked about it.". No one even called to discuss it with me. I only know it's cancer and they planned radiation.
His reply "I thought I gave you the name of the doctor who does radiation oncology. If in doubt call Dr at the first oncologist office. You should make arrangements. Tell me if you have trouble doing it."
I called him at this point and asked him, what are you talking about? You said my dad's bar buddy has POA. Is it medical? He said he didn't want to discuss that. I said well, it's important, because if he does he's obligated to make medical decisions. NP said well he's not making appointments. I reiterated that my dad is the person I knew to make medical choices for mom. He said he thinks dad has dementia. 😑. Dad makes believe he doesn't understand so others do things for him. It's part of his narcissistic behavior. You can't be completely there on all other subjects and then not for the sh*t you just don't want to deal with.
I said I explained there's estrangement. Dad won't speak to me. NP said what are you deferring this to me??? You both need to get over it! I said how do you get over a scenario where the other person won't speak about my mother to me???? He won't speak to me at all.
I hung up. I was flabbergasted. So upset.
Im in zero position...I know bare minimum. No one is calling me explaining things to me. I'm getting texts being asked for appt status, which I know nothing about. I feel like I got thrown into the deep end of the pool.
Just now text from NP...
"I have written and order for mother to get radiation treatments for cancer pain. I will contact her office".
I've never been so freaking confused in my whole life. No phone calls, no explanation...just a text what are you doing about this situation?
How did this land on me all of a sudden??? I just wanted to know if my mom was ok, safe and not in pain. That if she passed someone would let me know and I wouldn't find out she was gone the next time I visited. My dad wrote me off, because I told him I can't handle all of their medical issues and Dr appts. He took me off everything medical including the hospital. He said it's my job as daughter. He said this wasn't what he signed up for. Now I don't exist.
-You didn't want to contact your Dad's buddy to find out what's going on with POA, is he POA, what kind of POA. Many forum members urged you to contact the buddy anyway, to get things cleared up.
-You say in this thread that the buddy, if he's medical POA, is obliged to make decisions. That's wrong. He can if he wants to, but he's not obliged.
-He's not making decisions. NP contacted you because you're next of kin, and Dad seems to have dementia. NP wanted you to make decisions. You also don't want to make decisions, you just want updates. So NP is now trying to make decisions, for instance about radiation.
Although you don't want to deal with these matters, my advice would be for you to take the reins and decide what you think is best for your Mom medically. NP was giving you a chance to give your input. I think you should seize that chance. A long time ago, you wanted POA of your Mom, but Dad refused. (Even though that wasn't for Dad to decide. Only Mom can refuse). Anyway, NP is giving you a chance to decide and help out with the medical decisions for your Mom. Seize the opportunity. Otherwise, it's like abandoning your Mom into the hands of whoever tries to make the best decisions for your Mom. I think NP has good intentions and is reaching out to you. You're kind of like throwing the problem back into NP's lap. Again, my advice to you is, help with the decisions for your dear Mom.
They need to hear FROM YOU that you don't have any decision making authority.
That your father may have diminished capacity and may not understand what he has or can assign his drinking buddy.
That while you are concerned for your mom's health, you cannot get involved in your dad's chaotic quest for control and revenge.
Please go to this meeting and speak quietly, professionally and politely. Do not blame the NP; I'm sure he is as confused as we all are.
AND indicate that if the NH wants to take guardianship of mom, you have no problem with that.
I am very confused myself about the POA that you are referring to. Did your father give his bar buddy POA for himself? Your father cannot give his bar buddy POA for your mother as POAs can only be given by your mother and she has to be of sound mind to designate someone to act as her agent. This does not make sense to me.
The facility/ hospital should have a copy on file if there’s a medical POA. You should ask the facility to see a copy of the medical POA or have them tell you who has POA for your mother so you can have clarity on this. If your father is the one who gave his bar buddy POA for your mother then this is illegal and you will need to hire an elder law attorney to sort this out.
I have to agree that Dad is showing signs of Demention probably brought on by the stroke. You need beer buddy show you the document showing Dad assigned him POA. Even if this happened, being Dads POA does not give BB any say over Moms care. And I don't think ur Dads in the right place mentally to do it either.
I think you should talk to a lawyer to see if you can get temporary guardianship for Mom so she can have a peaceful death. The NP cannot override ur decisions. You could bring Hospice back.
Key thing is your mother's pain-relieving procedure is in hand. Call the NP in the morning and clarify (the text might have sounded curt because the NP hasn't got the multi-jointed thumbs of the new generation of teenagers and is bad at texting, don't forget).
THIS is why many of us IMPLORED you to reach out to this "buddy" of your dad's and find out what the lay of the land is. You CAN still do this. But if you choose to be stubborn, then I'm afraid it's your MOM - your poor, cancer-riddled mom who is going to bear the brunt of your stubbornness.
For heaven's sake - call this POA and ask him what is going on with your mom's care decisions! Is it really worth seeing mom in unnecessary pain to make your point to dad? And if you're NOT willing to do this, then stop complaining about your mom's care - or lack thereof! The facility is and has given you AMPLE opportunity to get involved in your mom's care decisions, and you keep harping on your crappy dad. DAD IS NOT THE ISSUE AT THIS MOMENT! MOM IS!
That's my advice - take it or leave it as you see fit, but please, stop coming here whining about how there's nothing you can do to help mom - because clearly there seems to be.
This drama will continue if OP does nothing …