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Greetings! I’m miserable. I take good care of my Mom, but I’m stressed all the time. It’s too much. I’m losing hair like crazy from the stress. I’m in college. I should be thinking of my future. Instead, I’m taking care of my Mom. She has aides, but the agency sends new staff all the time. The newcomers never know what to do, so I explain. Then another medical crisis. I live nearby. I’m considering walking away (from the caregiving). I can’t handle, don’t want to handle, so many problems. We tried to change agencies, same problem. My mom is mentally sharp, but the problems are overwhelming. She’s very appreciative of my help. She’s the best Mom in the world. But I want to stop. I want to enjoy college. She wants me to, too. I’ve become a miserable, unhappy daughter. I know she can’t handle the problems alone. Has anyone walked away (from the caregiving)? I guess those who have, aren’t on this forum.

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You do not indicate why mom needs caregivers.
You say she is mentally sharp. Mom can then give direction to new caregivers, you do not have to do that. If she knows what needs to be done she can let them know.
Take a step back.
Let mom handle things for a bit and see how it goes.
If there is a problem you can be reached by phone and in most cases a "problem" is not really a problem and can be solved quickly without you having to be there.
Get your life back.
Enjoy college.
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sara321 Apr 2022
I appreciate your warm answer!
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You absolutely need to restructure the way you care for mom. Your personal health is important and please find time to enjoy your life. If I knew mom's health situation I could offer more help.

Because of many reasons, my health for one, I have stepped away from direct caregiving for my mom and my husband's aunt. They both have part time aides & my sister and my husband are very active participants.

These are the things that have helped me tremendously.
1.Get groceries delivered at a time when an aide is present. Find healthy frozen meals if mom has trouble cooking.
2. change mom's insurance to be eligible for a visiting physician. There are also visiting lab services & mobile x-ray businesses.
3. Have mom's meds delivered and get 90 day refills. All insurance companies have a home delivery pharmacy. Sort into pill boxes for many weeks at a time. Aides can put boxes out when needed.
4. All household supplies I order from Amazon.
5. If mom cannot get to door we placed a lock box on the front door for aides, physicians, etc.
6. Mom needs a life alert necklace.
7. You may consider an in home security camera like "Nest" for when she is alone.
8. For a health crises find a good local ambulance service that could transport her to the emergency room. My mom has a "to go" bag ready with her wallet( no cash or credit cards) and a printed sheet of her meds and health history. Also make sure your contact info is in this sheet. The ER staff will call you.
9. Pay all her bills online and set up auto pay. Discard paper set up so no trips to mailbox.

If mom is not in a senior community she probably should be. They do have independent living apartments depending in her needs.

Good luck to you and I hope you can locate some good reliable private sitters.
We were lucky to find some at a local church.
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sara321 Apr 2022
Thanks!!

We/I have done everything on your list - except for point (7) cameras. We're considering that. Have a great weekend! Thanks for all your effort and kindness in helping me!
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As others here, I am a caregiver who walked away from caregiving situations, paid and not paid.

While it's easy to say walk away, live your life, part of the reality is you will worry about her home care, and later, you will likely carry guilt.

College years are a magical time that can't ever be reconstructed, there are no substitutes. If your mom wants you to enjoy this time, the only clean way I see it is to have an evaluation done for placement. If the problems are overwhelming, as you say, it actually might be best if she's placed.

From the tone of your post, you will find this heartbreaking to do, but you only have two choices that I see: status quo or placement. But you already know status quo isn't working for you, so....

Your mother doesn't want her caring, loving, giving daughter miserable or missing out on some of the very best years of your life. A lot of people and caregivers don't have those kind of mothers. In that way, you are blessed. Maybe think of it as a gift you need to open, and take joy in what you find.

And having something of real college experience might very well keep your mind off Mom once she's placed.

Love and light to you...wrapped in a big, warm hug.
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sara321 Apr 2022
Thank you for your kindness!
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Sara, you are an absolute an angel! You need to designate her care to others. Stepping aside, is NOT the same as walking away, not by a long shot. You will have contact with mom and love her as her daughter should. If you do not take care of your needs, you will grow to resent your mom, and neither of you want that! Take care of yourself honey, you both deserve it!
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sara321 Apr 2022
Thanks! Yes, I’ll never abandon. We need better aides. I’m looking.
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Ask yourself what your goal in life is. Be smart and plan around that.

Don’t plan your life around your mother. If things happen, things happen. You didn’t make any vows to your mother, like married couples. You were given life, not life with handcuffs the moment you’re born.
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sara321 Apr 2022
Thanks!
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Set up the best care possible, and then save your life. Please. It’s not normal to lose a lot of hair. It happened to a friend of mine too. As soon as the stress went away, her physical symptoms went away. Peace and love.
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Could you do a video to play for new aides and maybe a checklist so you don’t have to explain the same things over and over. If mom is pretty sharp she can answer any questions.

You definitely should be happy and think about your future.
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sara321 Apr 2022
Thanks for your kind message. Video is an excellent idea!!!!!!
I wanted to: some caregivers don't want to be filmed. But I think the aides we have now, wouldn't mind. Also the aides help with technological issues (often suddenly the ipad doesn't work, etc.). We can make videos of how to solve these problems. I think your video idea will greatly help reduce my involvement. Thanks!!!!
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Hi, it's me again... I manage a small, boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida and deal with people who are in similar situations every day. Usually, we can work with the family and the client to provide steady, quality, and loving care to the patient. Some of the tougher cases may take a minute, but there is a Caregiver for every client and a client for every Caregiver. If the agency is unable to find a great Caregiver for your mom, it's probably their fault, not your fault or your mom's. You didn't mention anything about your mom's case or the care she needs, but because you're in college, it's likely she's fairly young and hopefully at least partially self-sufficient. I'd like to offer a few tips that will help you and the agency provide Caregivers for your mom who work.

PRO TIP! If you are paying privately or with Long Term Care insurance, the first question you should ask when calling an agency is, "Do you accept Medicare or Medicaid?" If they say Yes, hang up and cross them off the list. There is a huge difference in the type of care and type of caregivers you will get from a (good) private agency than a government-paid provider.

Do you have a set schedule for care? In an extraordinarily tight marketplace, it's hard to find an "at-will" caregiver. Set up a specific schedule (preferably 6 hours or longer shifts) on specific days. (Flexibility is good, consistency is better!)

Be clear and precise about the tasks and responsibilities your Caregiver will need to take on. Mom needs to be showered, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The Caregiver needs to leave three meals in the fridge for the next day. Ask mom what she wants for lunch, don't tell her what she's getting for lunch. Those are the types of directions that leave the Caregiver empowered to provide for your mom and provide your mom's care. Communicate this clearly to the agency and the Caregiver.

Make it clear to the agency that you want one Caregiver (or a small team) taking care of your mom. A different Aide every does nothing except make the agency wealthy.

Don't make the Caregiver, the maid. First, you are paying a lot of money for someone to dust the house, but more importantly, you're taking away from your mom's care. The Caregiver doesn't need to be working up a sweat every minute of every day. A good Caregiver will talk to your mom, ask her questions, and communicate and entertain your mom. Those are the things that will make your mom more comfortable and help her recover faster.

Trust and verify. Have your Caregivers keep a care log and ask your mom for feedback every day. Give feedback to the agency and ask the agency to provide coaching and correction to the Aide - that's their job.

Finally, quit shopping for the lowest price. There is a reason some things are cheap! On the other hand, the agency with the highest price probably has the best salesmen, but not necessarily the best aides. Before you start a conversation with a new Agency, find out who you are talking to. If it's an Account manager, intake manager, etc. Ask to speak to the scheduler or the person who will be staffing your mom instead. If they won't let you do that before you sign the contract, that probably means they are more concerned with their profit margins than your mom's care.
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sara321 Apr 2022
Thank you! We pay the aides well.
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It’s not that you don’t want to be a caregiver. You love your mom, and want what is best for her. You will always want to be there to help her.

what you really want is happiness for the both of you. The stress of feeling alone and carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is wearing you down. I know…although I’m in my 70’s, I am in your situation. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to enjoy my retirement & family. But, like you, I feel stuck.

looking into an assisted living arrangement may be your very best option. They would give your mom excellent care, and allow you to return to having the loving mother/daughter relationship you crave. This is not walking away…this is finding peace for each of you.

I wish you the very best! (I’ve already informed my children I will never live with any of them. I know you understand) God bless you🙏🏻
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sara321 Apr 2022
God bless you too! Thanks for your kind words. AL - you still need to advocate for your loved one. Very similar to now - my Mom is at home. I help, advocate.

"It’s not that you don’t want to be a caregiver."

No, I truly don't want to be a caregiver. But we might have a different understanding of what that word means. I love and - care - for my Mom. I don't want to be her caregiver. She doesn't want that for me either. She didn't give birth to me to become her caregiver, she says. In addition, she can see the physical stress it's putting on me, and it affects my studies. My mother has always been a feminist - therefore, even more so, she doesn't want me to be her caregiver. She wants me to have my own life. I wish you the very best, too!
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I walked away. I couldn’t handle the physical and mental demands of my husband. It sounds cruel but I had to do it. Some people restructure the care, get more help etc. I put my husband in. Memory Care Facility, he went through three others before I found the fourth which can deal his violent and sexual behavior. There is no shame in saying I can’t do it. It is time to live your life. Don’t wait until you fall flat on your face. Yes, mom took care of you went you were a baby but the time is yours now. Your mom probably wouldn’t want you to spend you youth looking after her.
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sara321 Apr 2022
Right, she doesn't want me to spend my youth looking after her. In addition, she has always been a feminist. She doesn't want this role forced onto one more woman. She wants me to have my life.

"Don’t wait until you fall flat on your face."

Right. I am losing hair like crazy. It just falls out. Awful. My mother sees it too, all the stress I bear. My mother gave me everything in life. I'll never abandon. I must change strategy how I help.
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