I'm still angry and resentful of my siblings after my dad passed. Any advice on how to cope?

I'm sorry you feel this way after all these years. I'm sorry they don't show you respect, care or consideration that you would like. If you are expecting that they would just be drooling all over you because of your selfless acts, I'm sorry to say that life does not work that way.

Did you get a bigger percentage of the inheritances because of your selflessness? Did you get anything material from the deaths that was coveted by others? If so, then yes, you are going to have to live with the estrangement and indifference unless you are willing to give up whatever it is that they are asking for, however, there are no guarantees.

However, I don't know the full story. I don't know the personalities of the people involved. I am not a professional therapist.

My suggestion to be to go to a therapist and have them help you navigate these waters. 6 years is a long time. Its time to decide what to keep, what to let go and carve a future that you can be proud of.

CDN,
You can send yourself a beautiful thank you card for giving care to your Dad.
Get elaborate, set it on your mantle, sign it anonymous?

Dad would have wanted you to be thanked!

Next time you are standing in the bathroom facing the mirror.
Turn around, give yourself a thank you hug, look over your shoulder to see yourself getting that hug!

Buy yourself some flowers, once a month until you feel more appreciated.

Yes.
Thats it. They won't ever feel the way you do. Wasted energy trying to get the words you long for from them. They will never thank you or pat you on the back. Never. So get on with your life. They are getting on with theirs. And don't call them. Let them call you, if indeed they will. And if they don't, well, you know. So, carry on. Stay strong. Live well.

If you are waiting on them to graciously thank you for all of the caregiving, all I can say is don't hold your breath. It is the most thankless job in the world. Sounds like you have a reprieve from all of the caregiving...use this time to move on and do kinds things for yourself for a change.

Your anger and resentment is hurting you, not them. Life is short....start living yours!

Help those that appreciate it. Quit helping those that don't. You control who you communicate with. If people, including family members, are rude to you, do not engage them. Or conversely, if you are in a social situation and they approach you and are rude, give it back to them. Ask them what makes them think they are entitled to be rude and disrespectful to you. Tell them you will no longer tolerate it. Then walk away. Your happiness is just as important as theirs. Give yourself the love and attention you have been giving to others. You are a good person, and you deserve kindness and love.

As you’ve read in several responses, it’s not unusual for siblings to place all the responsibilities on one person. It’s saddening to see it happen because it shows just how much they really love their parent(s) and sibling. When your parents need help the most, that’s when your siblings turned their backs and walked away. Sadly, you can’t change your siblings. It is a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. One day, they, too, will be old, sick, and needing help. But payback will come. Rest assure that payback will come.

cdnreader
I hear you. I’m caregiver to my dad who’s 86. I had no choice when it came to looking after him in our home(my husband and my home) my brother doesn’t want me to accept money from my dad to pay for his board and lodging. It’s got to the stage when I see his name came up on my phone. He is Dads POA.
I cringe and think what now? My brother, it’s never to see how I’m going, it’s usually if he wants something, My sister who I’m pretty close to, genuinely loves me, well she’s got two kids in high school, so I don’t expect her to be able to help too much but her phone calls are a blessing and pleasure for me. When I first stepped up to be caregiver, my brother was initially worried for me about looking after him because I’d been pretty much under his thumb before I got married and was out of his house. My dad, prior to getting dementia, was a domineering control freak. With dementia, he’s still pretty difficult and a compulsive whinger. It’s not an easy job.
But I think you need to make time for you now. Enjoy your life and involve yourself in things that you love and enjoy. Do you have any creative skills or hobbies? Focus any energy on these things and away from selfish siblings who don’t deserve your precious time. I am currently studying a different language and when I’m stressed out, I also play the piano.
Look it’s not hopeless. One day these siblings may need someone to care for them, just make damn sure that’s it’s not you.
Good luck and God Bless.

Unfortunately they are not going to change. I've been waiting for my sister to become an amazing helper with my dad's care. At the point of having carers burnout I was being woken through the night by my dad to change him. I was exhausted & mentally drained. On asking for my sister's help I got comments that were on a text. One saying I was using emotional abuse & 2nd was you didn't moan when you had dad's money. Implying I was ok to take my dad's money when he was better but not interested in caring for him now. I out her Straight that I was paying my own way & it was none of her business anyway. Straight away I had to get help from a social worker who got me carers to help dad in the night & a lovely lady to sit with dad 2 days a week for 3 hours. Since then I have gained control & able to enjoy some life. Although I am polite to her when she does her brief visits I will never forgive her. I have just received an invite from my niece to her wedding reception only. So I got upset & spoke to an online support line who has been a great help. My conclusion. I will never change my sister & her family, they don't respect me & have treated me cruelly in the past. Once my dad passes I will have nothing to do with them & make a future for myself with my daughter & partner. So forget your siblings they didn't care about you. Pat yourself on the back for being a wonderful daughter & granddaughter. Everytime you feel that resentment remember what you did as an amazing carer & treat yourself to a coffee & cake or a bunch of flowers. You don't need them in your life. They will need you first but hopefully by then you will be self absorbed in enjoying a great life. Youve done your duty now it's time to look after yourself.

Easier said than done! Sorry I posted accidentally before I was done. In a nutshell, I have moved on. I talk to my sisters only when it deals with my mother otherwise, I have seen them for who they truly are these past few years and frankly I don’t like them! We don’t get to choose our family, but I have decided I will choose who I spend my precious time with moving forward. They are missing out on time with our mother. That is something they will have to live with. Life is short as we all know, don’t waste it. I thought I had a perfect supportive family that would come together and help when things were bad, I was wrong. And realizing and admitting that to myself was hard. Harder than letting go of sibling resentment. I now focus on my wonderfully supportive husband, children and my Mom. They deserve my attention and love!
I wish you peace and much love moving forward. Seek out professional help if you need to but be well and don’t let them win! You are the winner here!

Hi CDN! i just read your question and the many replies. Thought I’d share my advice on this topic as well seeing I am my mother's primary caregiver moving into year three. I have two older sisters that do minimal if anything and only at their convenience. They do not ever want their lives disrupted in any way. I, like you, felt used and unappreciated. But instead of dwelling on the anger, resentment and hurt I was feeling I decided to focus on my mother. See, it isn’t about my sisters. It’s never been about them. I chose to be my moms caregiver and have done a pretty darn good job of it all while raising three children, teaching full time and living between her home and mine. I’m proud of myself! And you should be proud of yourself! What you did for your family members is priceless. Most people CAN’T handle it. So focus on the good you’ve done! It will lift your spirits believe me! I have realized & learned many things in the past 2 1/2 years but most importantly I learned to let that resentment go. Yes it only hurts you, not them we all know this but like most things we know are to be true or right well it is… continued

"Choices"
Some people have never been in the presence of a narcissist.

Lighten up posters. Don't make CDN sorry that she came here for support.

Could it be that her comments have made some who are siblings uncomfortable?

None of us need to be taking sides on which sibling did what to whom.

Touchmatters, no offense but your post makes it sound that Cdnreader somehow is responsible for how her sibs treat her cause she doesn't set boundaries and feels bad about herself. I think a lot of what you said is a load of psycho babble.

Maybe her sibs are the ones with the problems cause they need to feel superior so they made Cdnreader a scapegoat. Maybe they should examine themselves.

Theres no excuse for treating someone bad whether she chose to take on the responsibility or not.
Its never acceptable behavior. Whether someone has self esteem problems or not.

It is important to realize that you made these choices. Key is when you say "Told to take care of younger siblings." Who told you and now these internalized messages are somewhat water under the bridge. OF COURSE, you'd be angry and frustrated with 'no help.' While it is painful to say/write this, considering all you have done, it appears that you did not / have not / do not know how to set boundaries for yourself to take care of YOU. When you set yourself up to 'do' everything needed, others learn to expect or anticipate that this is what you will do. HOW DO YOU CHANGE ? The key is that you need to feel good about yourself and do for others based on what feels good to you. If you 'do' based on ongoing resentments of "no one is taking any responsibility but me,' then you will feel like the scapegoat, irritated, frustrated, angry.
1. If you consider that feelings for others (your sisters) only hurts YOU, you will change how you internalize these feelings. I learned that FORGIVENESS is for the person forgiving; it is a process of healing by letting go. It matters little what the other (sisters) say / respond.
2. While you learn to heal yourself, you equally need to do some deep inner work on yourself: learn how to set boundaries, love yourself, and tell others how you feel. If you continue to do, do, do, nothing will change.
3. I would suggest that after you do some inner healing on / for yourself, that you consider a 'family meeting' and tell your sisters how you feel, giving "I" messages. I feel xxx since I took on xxx (responsibility) and xxx (i.e., no one stepped up in the family to help with these needs). It is important to NOT address your feelings with YOU YOU YOU (did / didn't) as this will set up a defensive communication / exchange and they will shut down.
4a. I believe key for you is to learn how you want respect and except nothing less. If someone (anyone) communicates with you in a way that doesn't feel respectful, bring it up soon after (consider what happened/process your feelings, then discuss when you are not activated (emotional).

'WE TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US" (notwithstanding dementia / mental illness in others).

4b. I'd say that the objective of sharing how you feel 'now' (or when you might have this family meeting) is to share how you feel and not blame. What happened in the past is done; what remains is your resentment about it and how you let it go, and learn self-love, self-respect and what that means to you and how you interact / communicate with others, including your sisters.

I hope some of this makes sense. It isn't easy or quick as this is changing how you likely have felt about yourself for your entire life. You want to feel inner peace. Letting go through a healing process will help. This doesn't mean you accept as "okay" their behavior / past decisions / not helping. Self healing is so you will feel better about you. If the sisters do not provide you the respect you feel you deserve / want, then it is up to you to change accordingly. This might result in you realizing / letting go of the relationships as they have been 'all your life.' You want people in your life who respect you, family or not. Gena.

Sorry this happened, cdnreader. I didn't wake up to my sibling's selfish & greedy behavior until he broke his promise of helping to take care of our elderly parents. He was always like this. I ignored the red flags in the past.

It takes time to get over your justified anger. I found a therapist to help me heal from it.

I decided on no contact forever. This sibling has no conscience & I don't/won't trust someone like that. That's helped a lot to move on from it.

Best of luck to you!

Cdnreader,

I understand perfectly how you feel. I didn't have as much as a time as you did since I only looked out for my mom. But my siblings didn't help much thats for sure. I was always looking out for my mom from the time my dad died when I was four and throughout my mom's life.

For instance when my older brother defaulted on a loan my mom had cosigned for him. This was when I was about 18 yrs. old. I found my mom crying in her room one day cause she had to pay his loan and had no money for groceries or bill payments that mth. I had four older siblings at the time. I told my mom no problem, I'd give her the money. No one else stepped up to offer and one sister even gave me grief cause I slept in the day my mom went to the bank. Mom got the money no problem but my one sister still glared at me cause I'd slept in that day. Even when she could have helped out but didn't.

Fast forward to my mom's declining years. Same thing. I did most everything but got criticized on how I did it from sibs. The gall when you think about it. Standing on the sidelines watching someone knock themselves out and criticize instead of pitching in. Or visiting mom, seeing that things look bad and instead of stepping up, phoning me to do something and then tell me how I didn't do it right afterward. When my mom died we wouldn't have even had a ceremony to say good bye if I had not arranged it. It was like herding cattle, but harder.

I've never been respected by my sibs. I know I never will. I've learned to not expect it. Once you learn to have no expectations from your sibs you'll learn not to care anymore. One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that.

Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.

cdnreader, There's a famous scene in an old Star Wars movie where Yoda tells Luke Skywalker, "There is no try. Only do."
I used to say things to myself like your replies written here to suggestions with, "I'll try," or "I know I need to..."
All my life I was a very submissive person and found it difficult to stand up for myself (as if everyone else had a right to be in front of me). Then I changed my language from submissive/passive to the active/affirmative.
Listen now what that sounds like: not "I'll try", but "I will do it." Not "I know I need to" (which always gives yourself permission to never do it) but change it to "I start Monday" to do this or that.
This is not a criticism of you. I recognized myself in your answers to recommendations people have given you. To begin a change in your life, change how you speak to yourself and how you respond to others. Say "YES!" not "I know I should..." and you'll feel stronger and more empowered. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

I feel the same as you do. I have much the same situation. My siblings said they would help one day a week. I have seen NOTHING. I have a full-time job, too, and they do not. They have not only not helped, but caused trouble, criticized, called me names, called me crazy, threatened to report me, blah blah blah. I really expected a family to be different in this situation, but they have made my life hell. So I understand the feeling you have of betrayal, and hurt. I understand how difficult it is to choose to help and have to do it all alone when you'd hoped there would be some support and aid offered.

From your words, I can tell you did this for the same reason I did: to help; because you thought it was the right thing to do. And you know what? You SHOULD be acknowledged for this. I'm sure you didn't enjoy giving up your wants, your life, anymore than I do, but you felt like it was the right thing to do for the people you cared about. Kudos.

As far as your siblings, I DO go to a therapist. I go because my husband died from a mental illness and I also see a therapist who specializes in grief. They both agreed with me when I said I want nothing to do with my siblings after this. It's very painful to give up the HOPE of having a loving family, but they've never been there for me; why should I think that they would be in the future? I'd get more response from putting a head of cabbage on the countertop and asking for love and affection and support from it. At least the cabbage wouldn't spit back at me and tell me I like being a victim, am co-dependent, am borderline, am whatever they look up in the next google search, it's all my fault and whatever else they need to say to make themselves feel better about doing NOTHING.

I wish that going forward, you will find more self-love (I also wish this for myself) and that you can find more caring and supportive people in your life who will appreciate you for your kind and giving heart. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being a kind and caring person; I'm also giving you one. You can if this is over now, or when it is over, go out into the world with a clean conscience. You can go out into the world and be free to create whatever life you want and surround yourself with people who will appreciate you instead of abuse and use you. <3

You made the decision to be that caregiver. Your siblings did not obviously. You can't harbor resentment towards people, when it was you who made the decisions to take care of your family.

Move on. Just like you, they were not obligated to help. You decided to. Your siblings may not show you respect because you're not showing respect for yourself and it sounds like you enjoy the martyrdom.

You tried hard to be selfless, but for whose benefit? Sounds like you wanted to play a role of being a selfless person, but then expected something in return. That's not a selfless person. That's a person who decided to do something, expecting something in return, when no one asked you to.

I'd recommend therapy. Your siblings may be selfish, self-centered and/or uncaring about your family members, but maybe they had a different experience with them than you.

Your bitterness towards them is holding you back.

cdnreader: Kind and compassionate individuals like you are often taken advantage of and used. I am sorry that your siblings treated you in such an incomprehensible way. You need not 'play their game,' but you don't have to accept being mistreated either. True story: I have befriended individuals in my 75 years on this earth who treated me poorly/used me. It didn't mean that I have to be this or that person's bff, but it also didn't mean that I subjected myself to being someone's doormat. You are such a wonderful individual and a longtime AC poster. Big hugs and love sent.

People are people. We all make mistakes. We all can only deal with what our minds allow us to deal with. We are all different, yet in many ways the same.

Your confidence in yourself needs some assistance. After giving and giving and giving all these years, you may have forgotten how to be a receiver of help, especially if it comes in an unexpected way or direction. However, I don't want you to be a victim of fraud or abuse, just because you are searching for a way out of the whirlpool.

It is not too late. There are many cities where the single females flourish. However, you need to be able to recognize and be accepting of changes. Are you willing to be part of a church? Are you willing to pick up a new hobby? Are you willing to volunteer? Could you go to vocational school or get a degree?

I would suggest that you find a therapist to help you navigate out of the whirlpool that your life has become. If you have a primary care physician, ask him/her for a reference. If your father's physician is still around, ask his office. I'm assuming you have some kind of medical insurance. If so, the insurance might have a list of providers that you can pick from.

Keep fighting that estrangement and indifference. It is not hopeless. You just might need to ask for assistance from an adventure guide (therapist).

I am sorry, it is hard to give so much and not have the support you deserve.

I moved my parents down to VA just shy of three years ago, sold the home which was a hoarding situation and got them settled in assisted living. Like anyone who has siblings I was sure three of the four would be actively involved and of course I knew I was main caregiver.

One sister came every two to three months with longer periods in between. They are retired and have kids and travel. I was and am so grateful for the support because sometimes it is nice to sit in jammies until noon. I was going to my parents every day to make sure Dad ate and my bedridden Mom had company. I have taken a beating, at one point both parents were in Hospice.

The other sibling had every excuse in the book. She was busy, she has a daughter (21) she cant afford dog walkers, she cant find them.

a couple of weeks ago I tried to do FT with her. No answer which is fine, she was probably out and about. When my other sister came to visit she asked if I had heard from the other sister. I texted and said I tried to contact you and you didn't contact me back.

she told me her notifications weren't working and when she called she said she was busy. (Retired) I unfortunately said busy doing what? She was busy helping her friend.

that was the moment I realized she is never going to be there for me and I had to let that expectation go. Of course she is the victim and called me and my sister a B and guess what? She is coming to see my Mother in the middle of July to prove me wrong.

I realize my mental health is important and she was not helping that so I blocked her on social media because I want to move forward and stop expecting something that she is not willing to give.

it is hard to deal with this but in order to make your life better you sometimes have to accept what you can’t change.

you can’t change this behavior but you can change how you deal with it. I have had a really rough couple
of weeks trying to deal with this but I know not having the drama in my life is ultimately better for me and for the person I care for.

take care of yourself

dear OP,
:)

you have good reasons to be angry with your siblings. as you said:
"My sisters don't show me any respect, care, or consideration."

Point 1
i would suggest:
cut them out of your life. people like that will only make you feel bad; your self-esteem will get lower and lower BECAUSE of them.

here's a quote i like, which i've repeated many times:
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *ssholes."

surround yourself with KIND, LOVING people ----- orrrrrrr, be alone.
"Better alone, than badly accompanied."

enjoy your own company :).
meanwhile: you'll find nice people, and they'll find you, too.

Point 2
you wrote:
"I tried so hard to be selfless and it has meant nothing."

don't despair, dear OP.
it meant something. it meant a great deal to all those you lovingly helped.
and it means something to the universe, too: a human being who was/is kind, loving.

Point 3
it's clear you're kind.
NOW rise up, and work on all your other qualities --- for example, your dreams/ambitions in life. it is never too late. hug!!!! fill your life with things you love.

in my case, very unfortunately for me, i looooove cookies, chocolate -- basically everything that is bad. so of course, don't be like me.

fill your life with wonderful things, wonderful people, OP. :)

CDN,
Being selfless and taking selfless actions on another's behalf is a reward in and of itself, without recognition, rewards, or acknowledgements. Yes, often criticisms and judgements from others.

You are not the kind of person who in their mind sets out to do something for those reasons or rewards. You do it because it needed to be done, and because it is who you are.

That is why I keep repeating: "No good deed goes unpunished".

Try making new friends with people who are not narcissists, maybe that will help you feel accepted. Also, consider yourself retired as a caregiver, as you have more than done enough for others.

You are fully accepted and befriended here on this forum by members who know you.

You can allow the anger and resentment go when you are ready. There is hope for you, making the rest of your life the best of your life.

Yes, it’s hopeless. Quit dwelling on the family you don’t have. You can’t MAKE people appreciate you. If they don’t, move on. Yes, it’s hard, but in the long run you don’t want to be with people who do not value you. Cut your losses.

Get on other your own life. Leave the ungrateful ones to themselves. Keep your distance. If your caregiving days are over (it wasn’t clear in your post), keep your friends or make friends. Work. Volunteer for things that are meaningful to you.

if you are still caregiver, then consider stepping aside to either let another family member step up or have the person you’ve been caring for put in a home/hospice/assisted living/ whatever. You’ve done your share.

You are only human and you have completed your task to the best of your abilities.

You call it estrangement and indifferent. Others would say, save yourself now.

What kind of relationship do you expect from people who didn't pitch in or appreciate your work? Even if they did shower you with gratitude, what do you expect next?

Perhaps you might consider relocating with the goal of getting some therapy to release the anger and resentment; hanging on to them could trigger cancer.

Perhaps you've vacationed somewhere and would love to live there? Joining community programs would instantly throw you into the heartbeat of the location. Do yourself a favor and don't volunteer for a solid year as part of your therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Block your ungrateful siblings for the first year, too, another anger and resentment release. "Detach with love."

These feelings are only hurting you, the others don't care. I did too much for my mother, she never appreciated it, still doesn't. I stopped told my brother it was his turn, he stepped up saying "Your Right" sorry I didn't realize this before.

So he handles the day to day, I assist him behind the scenes, if I do not want to do something, I don't, just say no.

My brother, to my mother, is the Golden Boy, I was the scapegoat, no more, brother is now the "Golden Goat"!

Let it go, no more caretaking for you, just say no, I am done!

Take care of you!

you need to take care of yourself now. You’ve gone above and beyond for your family. Live your life, have fun and letting go of anger and resentment is necessary to heal your heart and soul. Hugs💜

Beware of those who may judge you now by saying things like you are just "feeling sorry for yourself". Our feelings are not right or wrong, they are simply human! Your feelings of anger and resentment are normal human emotions AND sharing them here took courage. My own siblings also treated me badly so I understand how deeply that can HURT. I've been meeting with a professional counselor to help me deal with my anger and family estrangement in healthy ways. Take care of yourself!

Move on they don’t care and let go of them
sometimes it’s best to release toxic relationships and let the trash take itself out . Make a goal - fall in love , go on that hiking trip , buy that sexy dress , put on some make up and go out and have some fun . Focus on you now and the rest of your life - stay happy and healthy and find a new hobby like gardening . You can do it - this is your life .