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My siblings have left a lot of the responsibility on me caring for our mother.
Making appointments for GP, finances, etc.
My mother is now in care for the past few weeks. My siblings and I have been chatting about my mother's well-being since going into care.
I feel my siblings are taking over without my input, which makes me furious to the point I start to verbally abuse them.
I guess my resentment is very deep towards them, it's creating alot of stress and anxiety in my day to day life.
I have lost respect for them on all levels.

Vinnie

This is a common problem. Only the issue is not so much with mom or the siblings but with the territorial caregiver within us.
And yes, it can take a minute to check ourselves when our territory is encroached upon. It is also not always easy to trust that the siblings motives are aboveboard.

I recognized this years ago when I noticed my SIL who lived closer to the in-laws than the other siblings, wanted to vent about her issues with her parents but did not appreciate the other siblings ideas or efforts to help when they dropped in from out of town.
Then I noticed it with my own sister. She also lived closer and was territorial. When she had health issues and I took over, it was hard for her.
Then I noticed that I didn’t like it when others decided they would interfere with DH aunt who I had taken care of for years.
We do get a little possessive.
We have worked hard to get things ironed out and we have grown use to no one stepping up. And when they come in and do the least little thing, the elder is so appreciative…as If you hadn’t been doing the same thing all along…sometimes with no thank yous. We don’t see a 60 yr old woman doing something for their mom, we see that bratty sister who was always trying to steal the limelight and lied about who did what or other such residual feelings from our childhoods.

So take a breath.

I encourage you to allow your siblings to help. You might even find it helpful to tell them you are conflicted.

“I am having a hard time letting go. Be patient with me.”

They probably don’t know what they don’t know about what you and mom have been through together. And we are loath to blame our parents when we have absent siblings we can pile it on. How dare they show up when the heavy lifting is done!

This way, showing a little vulnerability, you can hopefully open the dialog on the particular issues that are troubling you and not be so abusive with your remarks.
The greatest surprise I got from helping my mom the last few years of her life was that I was finally able to truly bond with my siblings.

I am glad you are getting help with mom now. It will take awhile to find your new normal. You are well on your way just noticing that you have these feelings and that you don’t like them. I don’t know your siblings and I may be giving them too much credit but I have respect for you. I hope you feel better soon.
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Metime Jul 22, 2022
Thankyou for that advice, I’m in a similar position and your guidance is spot on and very helpful, appreciated. Thanks
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"My mother is now in care for the past few weeks,my sibblings and I have been chatting about my mother's well-being since going into care. " She says her mom IS in care , and it sounds like now the siblings are stepping up,, when they didn't before. Perhaps she is having trouble stepping back now, as she had been doing the hands on for a long time.
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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My brother shows up at moms memory care every other month with a cupcake in hand, flirting with all the nurses and they think he is the best thing since sliced bread. They don't know that he would not help his mom in any way when she was still in her home. I had to cut her grass, pay her bills, grocery shop, pick up meds, give meds, take her to appointments, put her house on the market, sell her car, find a facility, move her in and buy new furniture for it that would fit, file her taxes, do her laundry, etc....I just arranged and pre-paid for her funeral this morning because she is close to running out of money and she will need to file for Medicaid. I am on year 11 and it has aged me... no two ways about it.

I no longer dwell on it, because the anger was eating me alive. I will never forgive him, but I don't focus on it. I have had to move on. That is my advice to you....let it go. You can't control them and you can't get that time back.
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ConnieCaretaker Jul 24, 2022
Right...........let it go to free yourself from the cancer called, "resentment."
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Why not step back, you do not have to be in charge, I would be happy to turn the gauntlet over to other siblings.

You accepted the responsibility in the past, you did your part, might be time to relinquish the role of chief caretaker and move on with your life.

Resentment accomplishes nothing positive all it does is upset you and certainly is a negative stressor for all involved.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Vinnie, I think you probably have a choice to make. You are at a crossroads. You have to figure out what you are resentful about right this second. And why. And what your next step is going to be for YOUR life.

Is it because they didn't help in the past? That's a perfectly normal feeling for you to have. But we don't know a lot about your family dynamic so we can't really speak to why they might have kept their distance. They may have had their reasons at the time.

Is it because they are helping too much now? Do you feel usurped because they didn't help before and now you feel like they are trying to take over? You wanted their help before but don't now? Maybe you should take this opportunity to step back and let them run with it and take a break. Is there a reason it's bothering you that they are ready to help now?

Why have you lost all respect for them? We don't have a lot of details. We see this a lot. The sibling dynamic when it comes to parental caregiving is dicey at best. Often especially there is a lot of competition for parental love and affection even into adulthood and those dynamics that were set up in early childhood still stand as adults - if you were the parent pleaser as a kid it's likely you still are. If you were the one that always did whatever you were told as a kid that that probably still stands today.

Did you and your siblings get along before you became caregiver for your mother?

Caregiving is difficult under the best of circumstances. Unless your siblings are making dangerous or questionable decisions - maybe this is a good thing and it will give you a break to rest for a while and take a deep breath and get back to your own life and let them take over for a while!
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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Go on a month-long cruise and let them do the work.
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Reply to kahill1918
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Well...
I have been responsible for my parents care for almost four years.
I find that when my sibling and their family comes on the annual guilt trip, I am left with a pile of unfinished ideas and applications to complete that will make mom and dad's life easier.
In the past I would be filled with resentment and rage and be filled with stress and anxiety and I needed to find a better way for myself and my family. I used to feel obligated to follow through to make my sibling happy with their requests.
So now I look through the paperwork and shred it and do what I think is best which so far has been nothing. In a few weeks everyone will settle into a new routine and just go back to living their lives. Don't defend yourself you've done
enough.
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abcisco Jul 22, 2022
I'm so sorry that happens to you. It happened to me, too. One day, after another idea that I was supposed to enact because I was the primary caregiver for my father, I looked at the chipper, well-resourced non-caregiving family member and said, "That's a brilliant idea! I think you should take the lead on that. I have my hands full will the day-to-day caregiving. It would be so helpful to me for you to do that." And with a big smile on my exhausted face, I thanked them. I never heard another idea, and they did not act on their great idea. I use this liberally with those who think they can do the job better than me but aren't helping me in ways that I've asked for help or at all.
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Probably the third most common "question" we see on Forum is the caregiver sibling who resents those who aren't giving care.
You cannot change ANYONE in life, least of all your siblings. They have made their own choices, just as YOU have made YOUR choices.
The real question then is only whether your own choices are working for you. If they are not, you need to recognize that you are ALONE, just as though those other siblings had never been born (they have already opted out). Now it is on you. If this choice is not working for you, you need to figure out what WILL work.
I am hoping you have not already gone so far as to take your elder into your home, quit your job, moved in with your elder, or painted yourself into some other very difficult corner. If you haven't already made those mistakes, please DON'T make them.
If your Mom is now incapable of handling her finances, her appointments,and her activities of daily living, then it is time for placement for her.You can support her in finding the best place available for her given her finances (or lack thereof), and you can faithfully visit, love and support her. But giving your own life up on the altar of several decades of care of a parent is a choice. One you now are left to make. You didn't create this problem. You can't cure this problem. But what you do to protect yourself and your own future is now crucial. In a sense your Mom has had her life and made her choices. That she be allowed to consume the better part of YOUR life should not be an option. I am 80. My daughter is 60. Should she give up her entire life to care for ME? It is my idea of a waste and a nightmare for us both. She has had a life, she has a career, she is looking at retirement soon, she travels and has put her son through college; she and her spouse should not have been saddled with ME while they raised their son, and they shouldn't be saddled with ME while they enjoy some of the most carefree time in their lives, when their own chick has flown the nest, and they have the freedom and the health to enjoy their lives, their hobbies, their travel.
Your siblings may have made the right choices. I hate that sounds so blunt and awful, but it may be a fact.
If you need help in ironing out what the options are please try to get a few hours with a licensed social worker in private practice, who works with those in life transitions work.
I sure wish you the best, and I wish you a QUALITY of life that is good. That INCLUDES your Mom, but not one that is ABOUT your Mom.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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SpringRain Jul 22, 2022
The OP said his/her mother is in care now and the siblings are taking over without his input. I guess this would be a challenge when they did next to nothing before and now want to jump in.

What you write about your daughter is also how I think about my aging, AlvaDeer. I'm in my 50s and don't want my children saddled with me when the time comes. I chose to have babies that grow into adults and leave. They didn't choose to have a fully grown adult to feed, bath and toilet as I continue to decline toward death. I have plans in place so they aren't burdened with such an awful situation.
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Your lucky. At least they are there. I don't have no one in my family that even raises a finger, even to the point of abandonment.
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BaileyP3 Jul 22, 2022
When it comes to eldercare it seems like it's one extreme or the other. In the final year of his life my dad shared a room with an elderly gentleman with 8 children (plus spouses and adult grandkids) all living within an hour of the LTC. Initially we worried how it would impact my dad, a generally shy man as I was his only visitor and we wondered how restful it would be. As it turned out after the entire extended family toured the facility, only the two eldest daughters ever visited him again.
Continues to boggle my mind that most treat their pets better than their elderly parents.
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How would you prefer them to work with you? Can you share that with them? If they don't agree, can you feel OK about stepping back and letting them carry on? Be there but don't be invested? Maybe this is a gift that allows you to live with less stress and anxiety since you don't now have to do everything? I don't see this as "peace at any price". To me this is finding a way to peace that is ultimately the best place from which to live and decide. When this is over, I don't want you to find out the stress has created health issues for you! I often wonder if this is some cosmic learning experience, though frankly I would have been happy to read the memo and avoid the experiential learning! Wishing you peace.
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