I'm struggling dealing with resentment towards my siblings. Any advice?

Probably the third most common "question" we see on Forum is the caregiver sibling who resents those who aren't giving care.
You cannot change ANYONE in life, least of all your siblings. They have made their own choices, just as YOU have made YOUR choices.
The real question then is only whether your own choices are working for you. If they are not, you need to recognize that you are ALONE, just as though those other siblings had never been born (they have already opted out). Now it is on you. If this choice is not working for you, you need to figure out what WILL work.
I am hoping you have not already gone so far as to take your elder into your home, quit your job, moved in with your elder, or painted yourself into some other very difficult corner. If you haven't already made those mistakes, please DON'T make them.
If your Mom is now incapable of handling her finances, her appointments,and her activities of daily living, then it is time for placement for her.You can support her in finding the best place available for her given her finances (or lack thereof), and you can faithfully visit, love and support her. But giving your own life up on the altar of several decades of care of a parent is a choice. One you now are left to make. You didn't create this problem. You can't cure this problem. But what you do to protect yourself and your own future is now crucial. In a sense your Mom has had her life and made her choices. That she be allowed to consume the better part of YOUR life should not be an option. I am 80. My daughter is 60. Should she give up her entire life to care for ME? It is my idea of a waste and a nightmare for us both. She has had a life, she has a career, she is looking at retirement soon, she travels and has put her son through college; she and her spouse should not have been saddled with ME while they raised their son, and they shouldn't be saddled with ME while they enjoy some of the most carefree time in their lives, when their own chick has flown the nest, and they have the freedom and the health to enjoy their lives, their hobbies, their travel.
Your siblings may have made the right choices. I hate that sounds so blunt and awful, but it may be a fact.
If you need help in ironing out what the options are please try to get a few hours with a licensed social worker in private practice, who works with those in life transitions work.
I sure wish you the best, and I wish you a QUALITY of life that is good. That INCLUDES your Mom, but not one that is ABOUT your Mom.

"My mother is now in care for the past few weeks,my sibblings and I have been chatting about my mother's well-being since going into care. " She says her mom IS in care , and it sounds like now the siblings are stepping up,, when they didn't before. Perhaps she is having trouble stepping back now, as she had been doing the hands on for a long time.

Why not step back, you do not have to be in charge, I would be happy to turn the gauntlet over to other siblings.

You accepted the responsibility in the past, you did your part, might be time to relinquish the role of chief caretaker and move on with your life.

Resentment accomplishes nothing positive all it does is upset you and certainly is a negative stressor for all involved.

Vinnie, I think you probably have a choice to make. You are at a crossroads. You have to figure out what you are resentful about right this second. And why. And what your next step is going to be for YOUR life.

Is it because they didn't help in the past? That's a perfectly normal feeling for you to have. But we don't know a lot about your family dynamic so we can't really speak to why they might have kept their distance. They may have had their reasons at the time.

Is it because they are helping too much now? Do you feel usurped because they didn't help before and now you feel like they are trying to take over? You wanted their help before but don't now? Maybe you should take this opportunity to step back and let them run with it and take a break. Is there a reason it's bothering you that they are ready to help now?

Why have you lost all respect for them? We don't have a lot of details. We see this a lot. The sibling dynamic when it comes to parental caregiving is dicey at best. Often especially there is a lot of competition for parental love and affection even into adulthood and those dynamics that were set up in early childhood still stand as adults - if you were the parent pleaser as a kid it's likely you still are. If you were the one that always did whatever you were told as a kid that that probably still stands today.

Did you and your siblings get along before you became caregiver for your mother?

Caregiving is difficult under the best of circumstances. Unless your siblings are making dangerous or questionable decisions - maybe this is a good thing and it will give you a break to rest for a while and take a deep breath and get back to your own life and let them take over for a while!

Vinnie

This is a common problem. Only the issue is not so much with mom or the siblings but with the territorial caregiver within us.
And yes, it can take a minute to check ourselves when our territory is encroached upon. It is also not always easy to trust that the siblings motives are aboveboard.

I recognized this years ago when I noticed my SIL who lived closer to the in-laws than the other siblings, wanted to vent about her issues with her parents but did not appreciate the other siblings ideas or efforts to help when they dropped in from out of town.
Then I noticed it with my own sister. She also lived closer and was territorial. When she had health issues and I took over, it was hard for her.
Then I noticed that I didn’t like it when others decided they would interfere with DH aunt who I had taken care of for years.
We do get a little possessive.
We have worked hard to get things ironed out and we have grown use to no one stepping up. And when they come in and do the least little thing, the elder is so appreciative…as If you hadn’t been doing the same thing all along…sometimes with no thank yous. We don’t see a 60 yr old woman doing something for their mom, we see that bratty sister who was always trying to steal the limelight and lied about who did what or other such residual feelings from our childhoods.

So take a breath.

I encourage you to allow your siblings to help. You might even find it helpful to tell them you are conflicted.

“I am having a hard time letting go. Be patient with me.”

They probably don’t know what they don’t know about what you and mom have been through together. And we are loath to blame our parents when we have absent siblings we can pile it on. How dare they show up when the heavy lifting is done!

This way, showing a little vulnerability, you can hopefully open the dialog on the particular issues that are troubling you and not be so abusive with your remarks.
The greatest surprise I got from helping my mom the last few years of her life was that I was finally able to truly bond with my siblings.

I am glad you are getting help with mom now. It will take awhile to find your new normal. You are well on your way just noticing that you have these feelings and that you don’t like them. I don’t know your siblings and I may be giving them too much credit but I have respect for you. I hope you feel better soon.

So sorry for your issues..My brother and I slowly found a balance to our attending to mothers needs. She is in assisted living after a year in memory care..it has been a long difficult journey. I am the “worker bee”. I do all the MD’s, finances, shopping, navigating staff issues, toe nail clipping etc. I have decided to forgive and forget and see this as my walk in life. I got some online mental counseling. I also attend a dementia support group. I feel so much better. My brothers “help” with mom is sporadic. Everyone really has to find their way in this difficult stage of life. Good Luck..

Your lucky. At least they are there. I don't have no one in my family that even raises a finger, even to the point of abandonment.

Oh VinnieDe66, Many of us have walked this same road and it's not for the faint of heart so I send you best wishes. As for practical matters, does your mother have a POA and are you it? If you are POA this isn't going to get easier for the short-term but at least you'll have legal standing. I was POA and Executrix for both parents and as added complication I was the only adult child living outside of the country so my older twin siblings were quite angry about this. Fact is neither sibling is proficient with administrative work and someone has to support elderly parents.

I'm sorry to say things between you and your siblings may be tense for the foreseeable future. I put my parents into LTC in Sept 2018 and lost Mom in March 2019, The last time I saw or spoke to my brothers and their families was at her funeral. In Jan 2021 when I lost Dad to Covid they received texts from me which imho was all they deserved since neither brother nor their spouses or adult children opted to visit him in the last 18 months of his life.

Generally when I read stories like mine I assume there was a very dysfunctional family dynamic so I'll take the time to be clear up who my parents were. They adopted the three of us, moved us out to the country, bought us puppies, ponies, and bunnies, got me braces, sent us to summer camp and college and were both hardworking people. They were kind and good and sweet and deserved better than what my brothers gave. In fact they would have been far better off to not haved adopted twin boys and instead enjoy their life together with a daughter who adored them.

I only hope you fare better than I because obviously I'm still furious.

Forget them do you and can you help you mother is the question and can you afford some help if you do take her

Go on a month-long cruise and let them do the work.

It is painful to realize that the happy family and wonderful siblings you knew could have been partly an illusion. Many of us have been there.

Your relationships are being tested snd some (or all) might not pass. As your mom ages and more stress is introduced (and issues like money come into the limelight) the relationships could deteriorate further. You could see ugliness that is downright heartbreaking in people you previously trusted completely. In the future, you may not feel loving and close (or even talk) as you once did, and if that happens you will still be okay.

Lean in to friends (your chosen “siblings”) as these relationships may prove more lifelong lasting than the biological ones.

Protect your mother and her wishes as best as you can.

You are absolutely not alone.

Tell them that. Also do you have the power of attorney over your mom or does one of them? Don't sit and stew in those emotions or you will find yourself erupting at them at some point and that won't help the situation. I know it won't be easy but it is best to have a reasonable conversation with them calmly if you can. Otherwise if your mom is still able to speak and think independently for herself, talk to her about if nothing else getting a medical power of attorney with you as the proxy. That way medical decisions have to come through you. An elder lawyer or any lawyer really that does that can help you. I said elder lawyer simply because that is what I have most of my patients use.

I would have been happy to have siblings to help out in any small way even. I didn't. My parents had rocky relationships with all of their children (blended family) and I was the only one left who could overlook bad treatment because they were old and my parents.

Vinnie, please accept any help offered and try to accept it graciously. Maybe they just now realize they need to do better to help you out. Obviously none of us know the entire story from your short post but from an outsider looking in, step back and let the other children take some responsibility if they are willing. It doesn't have to be all on you and it shouldn't be all on you.

If I have it all wrong, write more so we can pinpoint and narrow down our advice and opinions.

welcome to the club

I hear you! We are 3 daughters , I am the middle one who lives closest to my parents. Several, several months ago, I dropped hints and suggestions as to how their care can (must) be shared between us all even though I do live closest. I was keen to state that although I live the closest , it would not be AOK for me to do it all so to speak. I dont want/need that title and it would affect my sanity too. I did feel the complete judgement from my older sis who doesn't think I visit them enough/do enough etc for them. She has stopped saying this verbally after I confronted it during lockdown but her eyes say it all whenever we meet, which is ever so rarely now. Whilst this is very sad in one way, not having communication with her is a much better way for me. I have realised that no matter what I do/ dont do she will forever criticise me. So be it. If the issue wasn't my parents care, it would be another matter as it has been for as long as I can remember. I am certainly not giving away my power anymore and allow her looks etc to affect my happiness. I now decide what I can/can't do for my parents and what other ppl (including family members) think of that is none of my business! Put your emotional well being first I say and do what you can. Good luck!

i can relate. my parents are both gone now as are my siblings and their families. my siblings have not passed away though. we are just permanently broken. do i care? yes. do they? maybe. that's one possible outcome for you. i suggest that unless that sounds like what you deeply want and will want as holidays and special occasions and "just feel like chatting" days come and go, and that you know deeply that you you will be happy without them, that you reconsider how YOU want to go forward. i'm not saying this to be mean. it's occurred with
many, many families. consider this carefully when you are feeling "sane"...you know what i mean. i send you warm hugs.

SpringRain, I don't think being an adult means that you ignore the parents who raised you. Helping out to whatever extent you can would be the adult thing to do. I've noticed that the immigrants in my community are living three generations to a house and loving it. Do they know something we don't? Maybe they know that there are lessons to be learned from our elders, a concept we don't get in an America where older people are ignored. My mother was a bitch (Yes, I said it) and yet I learned a hell of a lot of lessons about self-care and setting boundaries from caring for her. I was able to face issues with her that I'd buried and feel healthier for having confronted them and her. I also learned that two of my sibling are selfish, self-centered jerks. I was as busy with my career and life as my siblings were, yet, I managed to help care for my mother to the extent that I could while acting as a secondary caregiver to one brother who did most of the work. He got to do most of the caregiving because he was the golden child. It was stressful but he got the honors--which made me glad I was the scapegoat and never the golden child. Every child should help, even if it's just a little, based on their relationship with the parent, in my opinion.

How would you prefer them to work with you? Can you share that with them? If they don't agree, can you feel OK about stepping back and letting them carry on? Be there but don't be invested? Maybe this is a gift that allows you to live with less stress and anxiety since you don't now have to do everything? I don't see this as "peace at any price". To me this is finding a way to peace that is ultimately the best place from which to live and decide. When this is over, I don't want you to find out the stress has created health issues for you! I often wonder if this is some cosmic learning experience, though frankly I would have been happy to read the memo and avoid the experiential learning! Wishing you peace.

I was exactly where you are. I moved into my mom's basement to be able to care for her 24/7. When I no longer could provide the level of care she needed alone (I have 3 adult siblings) I had to go the nursing home route. I was still there 7 days a week after work and all day on the weekends while my siblings maybe maybe visited for an hour or 2 one day a week. We all are local to each other so distance wasn't the issue. I would get so angry and yell. The frustration was insane. But I was the one who had all that 1 on 1 time with her before she passed. Me and me alone

Sounds to me as if the siblings were absent when the OP could have used their help before their mom was placed; and now that their mom’s in a care facility, the siblings know they won’t be expected to ‘do’ anything and they’re ready to jump in with their advice/opinions, etc. If OP has the legal/medical say so over their mom, OP needs to provide more insight here as to how they are ‘taking over’. Do the siblings have the legal ability to make changes to anything the OP has in place with the care facility, finances, etc.? Too many unknowns to offer advice.

I can so relate. I feel so much anger and sometimes hatred toward my two siblings for not caring about our mom at all. I do all the caretaking and now live with my mom. My sister lives NEXT DOOR and never bothers to see our mom unless it's a family event. My brother, whom my mom adores, is fifteen minutes away and gets mad at me if I ask him to come see the mom who adores him. I have lost all respect for them because you know they will be first in line to get any inheritance money. It's disgraceful. Now, I've ASKED both to come see our mom more because she is sad a lot and getting more advanced with dementia, etc. They haven't done a damn thing. Your resentment and anger is real, but here's the problem. It eats away at our health, makes us sick, right? The siblings don't care, they're fine with how things are. But we, the caregivers get eaten up with our anger to the point where it threatens our health and sanity. We cannot let that happen. If you have sat down with them and honestly told them your feelings and they disregard you, there has to be a way to accept that this is the kind of people they are and try to let it go...Are you the executor of her health care directive, etc? If you are, and she has put the decisions on you, then let your siblings know that firmly...If there are no plans, you somehow have to find a way to be ok with them taking over, because they may not stop just because it is hurting you. Some people just don't care. Can you allow them to take over a bit more and give yourself the gift of more time to focus on you? Maybe, just maybe, this is their way of dealing with THEIR guilt for not helping you much before? I do relate, and hope my own insights might help a bit. Wishing you a positive outcome!

And the siblings are probably patting themselves on the back for being such loving children? And now that mom’s in care, they can be devoted “helpers”? And dismiss your sacrifices (or better still, say gee, you did a lot and thanks — like that evens the scale)?

A friend once said the more enlightened you are, the greater the burden. That said, I’m awestruck but the ignorance and narcissism of the clueless.

My brother shows up at moms memory care every other month with a cupcake in hand, flirting with all the nurses and they think he is the best thing since sliced bread. They don't know that he would not help his mom in any way when she was still in her home. I had to cut her grass, pay her bills, grocery shop, pick up meds, give meds, take her to appointments, put her house on the market, sell her car, find a facility, move her in and buy new furniture for it that would fit, file her taxes, do her laundry, etc....I just arranged and pre-paid for her funeral this morning because she is close to running out of money and she will need to file for Medicaid. I am on year 11 and it has aged me... no two ways about it.

I no longer dwell on it, because the anger was eating me alive. I will never forgive him, but I don't focus on it. I have had to move on. That is my advice to you....let it go. You can't control them and you can't get that time back.

If your mother did not set up powers of attorney which specify who is responsible for medical and financial matters, there is not much you can do, unless you want to start a fight with them. Seek therapy for yourself, to help you as a caregiver, and with having to deal with your siblings, who are causing you anxiety and grief. You have been the responsible one, and you should be proud that you stepped up when needed. All the best to you and your mother.

How about scheduling a family meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can mediate, educate and medicate?

Accept that they’re probably not going to change. Selfishness will continue with them. It is indeed saddening and extremely disappointing to see these qualities in our own siblings when we know mom/dad cared so much for us. And now that mom/dad needs help the most, their selfish children are no where to be found.

Well...
I have been responsible for my parents care for almost four years.
I find that when my sibling and their family comes on the annual guilt trip, I am left with a pile of unfinished ideas and applications to complete that will make mom and dad's life easier.
In the past I would be filled with resentment and rage and be filled with stress and anxiety and I needed to find a better way for myself and my family. I used to feel obligated to follow through to make my sibling happy with their requests.
So now I look through the paperwork and shred it and do what I think is best which so far has been nothing. In a few weeks everyone will settle into a new routine and just go back to living their lives. Don't defend yourself you've done
enough.

Who has POA or legal rights to making medical decisions. If it is you and they are making decisions without consulting you then speak to an attorney. Preferably an elder care one.

Hi VinnieDe. Your feelings are perfectly normal. It's very difficult to sacrifice so much and then to be shown so little respect. I moved out of state to care for my parents; my older siblings remain out of state. I can't imagine what I'd do if they showed up and started making "informed" decisions about my parents' well being. If I was to give them the benefit of the doubt, I imagine their motivation would be to relieve guilt. I have one sister who apologizes every chance she has for not being here and helping. I'd rather be living with my folks and caring for them, than to be saddled with the guilt she bears.

I don't know anything about legal action or services that might be able to guide you properly. I just wanted you to know you are a saint, struggling through a very difficult season. You are not alone. ~ VV

VinnieDe66: Prayers sent. I hope that things will get easier for you with your siblings stepping up now. Perhaps it may be difficult to understand depending on what they did or did not do in the past, but maybe you could move forward with some of the care offloaded from you. Let the focus be on your mother's well being.