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She recently had a fall, she is 92 years old. She hurt her arm, refuses to wear the sling , has no problem playing games on her phone, but wants us to feed her as she says her arm hurts too much to actually eat by herself. She's looking to be pampered but uses her arm for everything else. She also wants us to sleep in her bed beside her. I'm not agreeable to this, as she's narcissistic and it seems to be wants and demands and not necessary. Am I being non empathetic by not giving her what she seems to think she needs. She's been demanding and entitled and it's just getting worse.

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It is time for placement.
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If she gets hungry enough she will eat. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm
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Do not pamper or baby her. If she wants people to serve her, then she needs to be nice.

I’m betting no one has ever told her NO. People like her expect to be catered to and fawned over. It’s time she heard a NO. She’ll fuss and cry and act helpless. Let her.

Why do you support her? She doesn’t appreciate it.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2023
@Loopy

Who doesn't want to be pampered and catered to? Or be served on bended knee?

It's a different story when a person NEEDS to be waited on and fed and everything else because they are invalid and unable to do for themselves.
That's when it is time for a nursing home or 24 hour homecare.
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She wants you to sleep in her bed with her, seriously? This woman sounds like a nut case. I hope your getting paid to spoon and spoon feed this old woman.

Time to back off the help you have been giving and make her hire aides to care for her or a professional cuddler to sleep with her.

If she can't afford to hire care and can't care for herself, it's off to the facility she goes.
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Ain't no friend on earth I'd go to THESE lengths for, let me tell you. Certainly not in order to keep her "aging in place" at home when she needs Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid. Acknowledging the over-the-top expectations she has that you've been unnecessarily catering to is the first step in untangling yourself from this mess.
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Your profile says this is a "friend". Where is this friend's family? Does this friend have a PoA? Seems like your friend would benefit from Assisted Living or MC where she would get more care.

You are not obligated to provide the hands-on care for this person, or (heaven forbid) financially support her. Her needs and demanding behavior will only increase, so you need to decide where your boundaries are because she is not going to see nor respect them nor care that you are burning out at her expense.

If she has no family or PoA then your option is to contact APS and report her as a vulnerable adult and then allow the social workers to take over situation and you step fully away. The more you keep yourself as her solution, the more you will burn out. Her county's social services can eventually acquire guardianship of her and handle all her needs: medical, financial, etc. After that, you can maintain any type of relationship with her that you want, without the burnout.
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She's manipulating you. You've been empathetic enough, and not wanting to fulfill her every wish is OK. Please note:

There are many reasons not to sleep in a bed with "a friend," especially one who is sick and/or injured. You don't know if she has or will start having night terrors. You don't know what she'll do if she thinks you're dangerous to her. What if she dreams you touched her inappropriately?

If she's 92 and had a fall, it's reasonable to think she may have cognitive issues. You mention dementia behaviors, so you're aware. You aren't obligated to care for her, and you need to get out now before it becomes much worse. You need to stop this before it becomes (1) dangerous for you and (2) dangerous for her.

She should go to a facility where she'll be cared for 24/7 by qualified people. She won't feel so alone there.
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DO NOT cater to any of her nonsense demands for ANY reason.

Tell this person plainly. No one is going to sleep in the bed with them. Also that if they need to be spoon-fed like an infant and have to be supervised every second like an infant, that they need to be in a nursing home.

I was a caregiver for 25 years mostly to elderly and I can tell when an elder is playing "boo-boo" with the false helplessness. I never tolerated that for a second. You shouldn't either.

Do not feed her. When she gets hungry enough, she'll feed herself.
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This senior has become a baby.

Can be YOUR baby, or not. Up to you!

Find a teddy bear for her to sleep with. Yes it's infantile.. senile or infantile.. it's a teddy bear, not too much harm. Try it. She may toss it aside, look daggers at you but grow back up (if manipulation) or will LOVE it (as this suits her level of need (whether that be anxiety, playfullness, cognitive declinre).
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Just curious, how did you get this involved with a friend? And who is "us". Sometimes a fall can cause cognitive problems. One day a 90 yr old seems to be doing good then a fall or a hospital stay changes everything. Maybe its time to have this friend evaluated. If found she needs 24/7 care family will have to intervene or APS called in. If you have POA, maybe you can get her placed. And sleeping with her? I don't think so. Even in the same room, nope. I love my friends but there are limits how far I will go.
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