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Tell the truth be honest. He'll eventually figure it out even in his current mental state.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2019
So right, and he will feel confused and betrayed, and unable to trust.
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You could drop the "you can come home if" half of what you're telling him. Stick to "do your PT and let's see." Or, "we'll just have to see how it goes." Or, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Or even "I just don't know, Dad. But meanwhile, let's do x, y, z and make the best of things, eh."

It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.

Tired of hearing you... Well, I'm not, but then I don't live with you. I expect your husband does wish things were different and does wish you could step aside emotionally from a problem you can't solve. It is tiring, I can't disagree. But if it's tiring for your audience, how tiring is it for you? You're the one who can't help thinking about it night and day.

Do you do anything like physical exercise or dance or meditation, actively try to take a break from the mental strain?
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AlvaDeer Jul 2019
Yes, the promises are out, but robbing one of hope is also not wise. So a "let's work hard and see where you are in a few months" is GREAT advice.
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I totally understand your feelings of guilt for lying.... I feel guilty about my dad having to sell his home to move closer to me so I can care for him. However, there are times when “acting in the best interest of the elder” trumps everything else. No guilt when it comes to keeping our elderly loved ones healthy and safe.
i have a checklist- in order- safe, healthy and happy. Happiness is not always possible... but keeping them safe is something we can control. Health is also dependent upon outside factors but we can provide access to healthy environments....
So, do whatever you need to do to ensure your dad is safe and healthy. And if it means you fib a little, it is what it is! You are acting in the best interest of your dad to make sure he remains safe/healthy. Happiness may take a little longer, but he will adjust, in time.
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I think that "home" isn't really a place but more of a time in someone's life. A time when they were younger, didn't have a lot of responsibilities and not a lot in the way of consequences. At this point, you probably will need to keep lying and diverting.
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I think most here are not tired of listening. We are free to move on if we want to. And remember, sharing with us doesn't need to bring on feelings of guilt of any kind. I think we all feel like we burden our family with our worries. They worry about us and become frustrated. On the question of lying, I just wouldn't do it. The truth will hurt, but honestly, to me, as a nurse, the worst thing was people who wanted to lie to patients about their illness and its prognosis, because to be honest they almost always "knew" and it made them more fearful. We can deal with the truth, but lies that turn out not to be true can take away our trust in just everything. Is it that you fear his reaction? Because he may well be angry one moment and crying and begging the next. But to be honest, Lacey'sTerror, isn't that a good and an honest reaction. Don't we have a right, at the end, when it is loss after loss after loss, with so little to hope for, to weep and mourn and be angry? I think we do. It is so hard to see, but it is our right. And there is nothing to be said but "I love you, and I am so sorry; I love you, and I wish it could be different. I will be here for you all I can. Remember I love you." I think it is our own guilt we fear, and honestly, only good and honorable and decent people even FEEL guilt. I can only think what I would want. I would want someone to be honest with me, no matter what my reaction. I have a right to honesty and I have a right to react with confusion and weeping and feeling bad.
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smeshque Jul 2019
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My question would be, would he know who his sister is? If not, then why tell him about someone he no longer knows. If u think he remembers her, then tell him but he may forget it tomorrow if his short term is bad.

Telling lies. I know, we are conditioned that this is wrong. But your Dad has lost the ability to reason that he can't come home because Mom can't care for him. And "home" may not be where he lives now. It maybe his childhood home. Maybe change the fib. Tell him he has to be 100% and then you'll discuss home.
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thanks ya'll for your answers, and you're all right, I'm just trying to justify lying to him and it's just very hard.
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AnnReid Jul 2019
But PLEASE REMEMBER, there is NO ONE here who recommends or practices LYING.
The semantics of your situation are working against you. A “lie” is an attempt to deceive, devalue, defraud, deprive.

Your dad’s mind is already misunderstanding “fact”. His “facts” are NOT what you see as BLACK AND WHITE.

For you to soften his thoughts and beliefs by allowing yourself to begin to think in HIS shadowy shades of gray is not a MORAL lapse. It is potential source of peace for both of you.
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Laceysterror, what you are doing is called "therapeutic fibs" which are ok because it is in the best interest of your Dad.

I see from your profile that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia. It may be possible that "home" means his childhood home. My Mom [98] did that when she was in Rehab and it took awhile for me figure out she wanted to see her parents and siblings.

One time I had to use a therapeutic fibs to get my parents to update their Will, which was older than dirt. I fibbed by saying the way the Will was written, the State would get half of their assets. That got Dad's attention, and I made an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to have all their legal documents updated.

So, don't be afraid to fib. I know it isn't easy, it wasn't for me, neither, but I had to do it. Oh the guilt :P
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I looked at your profile. You have two parents who can no longer reason or make decisions. There is no alternative for you to keep them safe and calm but fibbing, lying, diverting, whatever it takes to keep them calm and cared for.

Your looking at it the wrong way. Every time you fib or divert and get something done in their favor is a victory, not something to be guilty about.
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How about a different king of partial truth - Not today, I don't think mom is up to looking after you at home dad. I know you miss home but it's nice enough here isn't it? Lets not worry about it for now...
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