My partner's mother has been abused most of her life & she carries a lot of trauma because of this. In my experience, she is a selfish toxic person who has not cared for her children as a loving mother, but wants others to do for her / save her. Her partner recently died & she now wants her son (my partner) to care for her. She calls him crying saying she's alone & how can she go on. He's afraid for her & worried & he feels awful at the thought of leaving her alone / not living with her. I have expressed my hesitation to him about living with such a toxic person. So I know he feels stuck. I want him & I to start our own family (alone) which we have previously put on hold to care for his mother's father for the past 6 years. I have suggested therapy for both of them, they don't seem open to it. Am I being selfish? I would appreciate perspective. What options do we have in this very tough situation? Any suggestions to reconcile such a situation? Thank you
You've waiting 6 years while he cared for his GRANDFATHER, and now he is proposing moving his abusive mother in?
Run.
He is her slave and unless HE wants to change his behavior, there is no hope for him to have a full life outside of his relationship with her.
If you haven't already seen in, watch the movie Moonstruck. You will see what happens when folks are the ones waiting for the mama/daddy whomever to die.
It never ends.
He has a choice to make and it appears the he has already made it if he hasn't married you after all of these years. It sounds like you are free labor for him to take care of his dysfunctional family. Do you really want to procreate with someone that puts everyone above you?
I would pack my bags and run from this situation. She is using her past to manipulate her son and thereby perpetuating the abuse in the family.
You are going to have to take charge of your own life if your husband is unable. For myself I would make it clear that my relationship with him could not continue with his mother in my home, and I would leave that home, and the MIL in his care if he insisted. I would say this gently and with love, but I would make it clear that I am not willing to sacrifice my own life for his mother.
It appears the apron strings were never cut. It is highly unlikely they will be at this late date.
So your options are to live with your fellow and his mother or move on from this relationship.
If he could look at the situation unemotionally, he might be able to see other options. Independent or assisted living, where she will not be alone.
She could volunteer to get a sense of purpose, engage in a hobby.
But unless either of them decides to change he is going to either move in with his mother or move her in with him.
I will assume your in your mid 30s? So Mom is not quite 60? If so, she is not that old. Diabetes can be controlled. The person doesn't need care 24/7 for it. Carpal tunnel can be corrected. Does not mean she is disabled. Have you looked up the meaning of Narcissist? Does she fit the discription? Passive-Passive-aggressive? Does your partner realize that by moving in with his Mom his life will not be his own. He will be at her beck and call 24/7. This is not a normal way to live.
Right now Mom has lost a partner. She needs to adjust to her new norm. She needs to do for herself. Your partner can help but he should not be her whole world. He is her son not her husband. Your partner needs to set boundries. What he is willing to do and not do. Mom could be part of your lives but you should be his #1 married or not. You too will need to set boundries with partner and Mom. This forum has recommended a book called "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud.
What your partner may need to learn is he cannot make his mother happy. She needs to do this for herself. If she suffers from depression, she needs to see the appropriate doctor. She needs to find things to do to keep busy. Maybe hard to clean her house, but she needs to do it. Its all up to her.
She is asking him for help maybe because she knows he is a safe person to ask.
Therapy is a good idea. But if he starts to care for her YOU should also be included in this therapy.
I certainly would not start a family with this looming at the horizon. And if you have put this "on hold" for 6 years already how long can you or are you willing to wait?
realistically I don't have many years left according to what is generally believed about conception age.
Thank you for the therapy suggestion