My mom has been diagnosed with dementia and has been living in a nursing home for about a year. She was living in squalor (still is, she is a hoarder) and she has NPD. I am trying to sort out her finances while working and taking care of my family (husband only at home on weekends). My in-laws have never offered me a word of support or comfort, but they have recently told my husband that we were doing a poor job taking care of my mother (and my husband felt that he has to justify my actions, which makes me furious). They say that my mom should not be in a nursing home and that her only problem is that she is a bit "messy" (condescending tone). I know that my mother plays the victim whenever anyone visits her and I suspect that she and my mother-in-law discuss me a lot. I feel completely stressed out, even though I am not a caregiver, and it is now taking a toll at work and at home. What can I do?
The only thing you have control over is how you react (or not react) to these things. Take care of your own business and your mom's finances to the best of your ability and let the rest roll off your back. There's nothing you can do about how others perceive you.
Time, I think, for you to enjoy a little mischief. Next time his mother tells your husband how wicked and unfilial it is for you to have consigned your mother to gaol (or is it a proper torture-chamber?) just because her housekeeping wasn't up to perfect scratch, he should give a devilish grin, poke her in the chest playfully and say "guess what she's lining up for you!"
Don't go looking for extra worries. Let people who don't make the decisions and don't know the half of it speak their silly minds. It's no skin off your nose, and if airing grievances makes your mother happy too… sigh, well so much the better. I hope you weren't expecting any thanks for doing this terribly difficult job?
Mantra: I've made the best decision possible to ensure moms health, safety and welbeing under the circumstances". I don't have the skills, time and emotional strength to care for her like the NH can". "I hope I can count on your support. Please feel free to visit, call, send cards, treats to mom"
Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can happen in families. You just have to accept they won't give you support, be grateful they aren't confronting you with their comments and just keep doing what you know to be best. They may not be doing this intentionally to hurt you....maybe it's their way to ignore things that make them uncomfortable.
How do you know they tell Mom how horrible nursing homes are? Does she tell you? Does it upset her or is she doing it to pit you against the in laws because she enjoys a good brawl? i see no problem with them taking her out as long as it is safe but you retain control in that you first are asked for permission. I would not bother to say anything this time just put the new rules in place and see what happens. If you don't have POA there is nothing you can do and Mom is free to go out when she chooses. Just try and step back and not get sucked into their games but make it very clear to hubby that when they need care they are not going to live under your roof. Relax you have things properly set up for Mom and she is being cared for let the professionals deal with the hoarding etc. You don't have to be at her beck and call every minute
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