My mom has been diagnosed with dementia and has been living in a nursing home for about a year. She was living in squalor (still is, she is a hoarder) and she has NPD. I am trying to sort out her finances while working and taking care of my family (husband only at home on weekends). My in-laws have never offered me a word of support or comfort, but they have recently told my husband that we were doing a poor job taking care of my mother (and my husband felt that he has to justify my actions, which makes me furious). They say that my mom should not be in a nursing home and that her only problem is that she is a bit "messy" (condescending tone). I know that my mother plays the victim whenever anyone visits her and I suspect that she and my mother-in-law discuss me a lot. I feel completely stressed out, even though I am not a caregiver, and it is now taking a toll at work and at home. What can I do?
The only thing you have control over is how you react (or not react) to these things. Take care of your own business and your mom's finances to the best of your ability and let the rest roll off your back. There's nothing you can do about how others perceive you.
Mantra: I've made the best decision possible to ensure moms health, safety and welbeing under the circumstances". I don't have the skills, time and emotional strength to care for her like the NH can". "I hope I can count on your support. Please feel free to visit, call, send cards, treats to mom"
Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can happen in families. You just have to accept they won't give you support, be grateful they aren't confronting you with their comments and just keep doing what you know to be best. They may not be doing this intentionally to hurt you....maybe it's their way to ignore things that make them uncomfortable.
Time, I think, for you to enjoy a little mischief. Next time his mother tells your husband how wicked and unfilial it is for you to have consigned your mother to gaol (or is it a proper torture-chamber?) just because her housekeeping wasn't up to perfect scratch, he should give a devilish grin, poke her in the chest playfully and say "guess what she's lining up for you!"
Don't go looking for extra worries. Let people who don't make the decisions and don't know the half of it speak their silly minds. It's no skin off your nose, and if airing grievances makes your mother happy too… sigh, well so much the better. I hope you weren't expecting any thanks for doing this terribly difficult job?
jeanne, I think he told me because he doesn't like their sneakiness - he also said that he was not telling me everything they said (I think I'll pass on that).
I love Countrymouse's comeback ("guess what she's lining up for you!"), but I'm afraid it will just play into their existing fears. I'd just be sweet as pie to them and ignore their criticisms and comments. They're in denial and afraid. And super annoying, I know. Don't let them get to you.
Well. If there's been no harm done to your mother, and she was returned safe and sound, and your in-laws are not physically near enough for you to wring their necks at the moment, you have time to take stock. Just because your mother is happily stirring the pot, you don't have to join in. But if it were me I'd certainly have a word with the nursing home to check out their risk assessments - I can't think what they were doing cheerfully waving her off without first ensuring that the people taking her were AOK. So she enjoyed her day out. Great! Let her. And let them have the trouble and expense of taking her - at least that's one job you didn't have to sort out. But once she gets to the point, and she will, where your MIL's remarks begin to frighten or distress her, or she becomes disoriented and is therefore at increased risk when she returns, you put your foot down. You can only tolerate silliness and irresponsibility while it's not doing any actual harm. I feel for you. Ignorant snipers are a grade A pain.
Also, if they visit your mom, they only see her best face for a short time. If she has dementia, then they will eventually see just what the progression is like. They will likely not visit as much when that happens. Plus, they don't have the right to visit her. As POA, you could prevent it, though, I'm not sure what purpose it would serve except give them more to complain about.
IMO, your husband should defend HIMSELF and you by explaining to his parents that they don't know what they are talking about and that you do and are doing the right thing. End of discussion. If they kept it up, I think I would put them on the list as people who aren't allowed visits with your mom, because what they are doing is just plain mean. You should be praised to your mom, not belittled. Thinking people would know this.
How do you know they tell Mom how horrible nursing homes are? Does she tell you? Does it upset her or is she doing it to pit you against the in laws because she enjoys a good brawl? i see no problem with them taking her out as long as it is safe but you retain control in that you first are asked for permission. I would not bother to say anything this time just put the new rules in place and see what happens. If you don't have POA there is nothing you can do and Mom is free to go out when she chooses. Just try and step back and not get sucked into their games but make it very clear to hubby that when they need care they are not going to live under your roof. Relax you have things properly set up for Mom and she is being cared for let the professionals deal with the hoarding etc. You don't have to be at her beck and call every minute
These In Laws don't want to believe you are right - after all, they have difficulties with you and completely understand how "horrible" (according to your mom) you have been to your mother as well. I don't know that you can do a darn thing with them except - never let them see you sweat! Pretend that nothing bothers you so you are not feeding any of them their need for narcissistic supply. Then go home and beat up your pillow! Let hubby know that they don't need to be encouraged with any complaints on y'all's part.
Many times us COH need therapy to deal with how we were raised, the narcissism of our parents (we marry children of narcissists too), and the lack of boundaries we have. A good starting place is Townsend and Cloud's book, Boundaries, which you can get cheap on Amazon. Cognitive therapy helps you think about why you behave certain ways and lets you think about how you can better handle things before they happen again. I was estranged from mthr for 8 years but took on caring for her when APS called with concerns 2.5 years ago - she never set one foot in my house but went straight to memory care. I never could have done this and survived 20 years ago!
You sound like you are at the caring for mom and not thriving place I would have been. It's so hard. Know that you are not alone.
Pam - you made me laugh (which is not easy these days) - there is no way they would not take this seriously. I have never seen anyone make fun of them.
Surprise - thank you so much for your support. You are right - I had never realized that mom was probably a hoarder all her life, because my dad did an excellent job covering up for her.
I talked to the nursing home about the incident. I have also asked around for advice, but was told that there was not much I could do. So my plan is to try and move on - until the next crisis.
Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom. You have been incredibly helpful.
Look, you know that you've done the right thing by placing mom. Your in-laws see this through a different lens. As much as it would be lovely for you to have their support, you don't need their approval. Can you just laugh at their comments and say " you simply don't understand how I'll mom is; she puts on a good act for you, and I'm glad you have the pleasure of each other's company"?
If they are not obviously upsetting your mom, I don't think the NH will stop it. if they notice she becomes aggressive after their visits, they might put a stop. But that means you need to be proactive in calling the NH or visit your mom to know what's up. I'm not crazy about that.
Since FIL is being so rude, just give it back to him... Just simply say, "everyone gets old. It's great that you're visiting my mom so that the NH will become familiar to you...like your second home." Make sure to smile widely while saying this through the phone. People can hear a person smile through the phone.
I am afraid that any attempt at humor would be totally lost on my in-laws - basic, honest communication is already a struggle for them. In any case, I warned the medical staff of the situation. Not sure it will do much, but at least I got to unload.