My mom has been diagnosed with dementia and has been living in a nursing home for about a year. She was living in squalor (still is, she is a hoarder) and she has NPD. I am trying to sort out her finances while working and taking care of my family (husband only at home on weekends). My in-laws have never offered me a word of support or comfort, but they have recently told my husband that we were doing a poor job taking care of my mother (and my husband felt that he has to justify my actions, which makes me furious). They say that my mom should not be in a nursing home and that her only problem is that she is a bit "messy" (condescending tone). I know that my mother plays the victim whenever anyone visits her and I suspect that she and my mother-in-law discuss me a lot. I feel completely stressed out, even though I am not a caregiver, and it is now taking a toll at work and at home. What can I do?
These are toxic people and should be removed from any dealings with your family.
Backing way far back from all of this drama, how are you and your husband doing?
What are each of you doing to detox from the ever present toxicity so that ya'll are not overloading each other emotionally or driving others away because of being constantly on edge.
If you don't already have some effective means of detoxing, I'd suggest both of you see a therapist separately to discharge the emotional toxic dust that one can't help but pick up when dealing with stuff like this.
With your mother living in a nursing home for about a year now and you've got your in-law's dynamic figured out, you can focus more on taking care of you, your life, your marriage, your future and take no enemies when it comes to maintaining your boundaries.
Love, prayers and hugs. Take care and keep in touch.
I've come up with a new one liner for couples in the midst of such caregiving wars.
"Married folks "love the one you're with", "dam the torpedoes" in the way, and "take no prisoners" in dealing with the mess at hand!"
Take care!