She sleeps 20 hours a day and just eats her 20 meds, she does zero to help herself!!! She does have like 10 horrible issues but she does nothing besides sleep and get worse. She is only 62 but she looks and acts 80. I want her to go to a short term rehab to learn how to take care of herself better and actually get better cause she does nothing for herself at home. She falls weekly, she messes up her meds weekly, stepdad dosnt know what to do cause she will "be mad" at him...
Not sure if finances are an issue but I will put the info here for your at any rate just in case you need it. Short term rehab (STR) stays are not cheap and can easily run to $300 per day in a facility (have a feeling from your post that Mom is not going to following much instruction at home but if that is all you can get... take it). This will get her room,activities and 3 meals (not so good usually) and Physical Therapy (PT) and Occupational Therapy (OT) as directed by her referring physican. At 62 although she sounds disabled, your Mom may have Medicare but Medicare will only pay for STR after a three night official admission to a hospital AND the phsycian's referral. Traditional Medicare will pay for up to 20 days of PT/OT in the above situation provided the patient participates and in improving. Medicare Advantage programs generally have shorter initial PT/OT periods but you would need to check with her specific program should she have one. If she is already on Medicaid, there are some different rules but you should be able to check them out with her Mediciaid worker.
You can get more information from the NJ Office on Aging (each county has an office) at:
https://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/home/
Good Luck and keep us updated.
I worry about the opioids, especially if they are being prescribed without a lot of followup or follow through. You are correct that Mom's staying in bed with conditions like heart, diabetes, and possibly addiction to painkillers is likely causing more problems.
If no one has POA, as you told us, there is honestly little that you can do. Especially the skin conditions you mention will get worse; with the diabetes there will be difficulty healing. Eventually the doctors who predict her demise will be correct; she has already outlived their guessing at how long she will live.
I am glad that you have your own apartment on premises for your family.
You are doing what you can do. You have told her that she cannot get well if she doesn't participate.
As a nurse I saw many patient who gave up. Their family nor anyone else could change their attitude.
Whatever else, make certain that there is no opiate withdrawal attempted by any well meaning doctor without great care. Sudden withdrawal from such drugs can cause death.
I am sorry. I wish I had an answer. But over this time I cannot honestly imagine what COULD be tried that you have not already tried.
Best out to you and wishing you good luck.
If she doesn't particularly care to live, why not just leave her alone and let her life progress as it is?
For whom are you trying to get her to live? You? What about her? Does she want it? Do you think you have some kind of magical power of influence to make her see that she's given up? How has that influence worked so far?
Frankly, I find it impossible to believe she'll improve to any significant degree unless she is taken off the opiates. According to your profile, she has arthritis, cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. I'm going to guess obesity is involved as well. None of those will go away, even if she's off the meds. If she WANTS to get off the opiates, then help her do that (get a doctor to advise how), but know that many of her issues aren't going to magically go away just because she doesn't sleep 20 hours a day.
You can't care more about her life than she does and expect anything to change.
Was it a slow growing form of cancer that has now spread? Is that what she's on pain meds for?
Are the opiates for cancer pain? Does she see her oncologist at least?
If she is terminal, you should have a hospice eval to get her effective pain relief.
I think that's illegal, even in New Jersey (that's a joke).
What meds does your mom take?
Have you asked her pharmacist to go over all of the meds she's taking with you to see if THAT could be the reason she's sleeping 20 hours a day?
How about calling 911 and telling them that mom is less responsive than usual and that you are terribly worried that she's taken too much of something?
That should get her to the ER and testing. Push to get her admitted.
The other scenario is this: mom gets admitted to the hospital for an issue; upon release, her doctor writes an order for her to go to Rehab in a Skilled Nursing Facility for the standard 20 days (or longer if it's determined necessary); Medicare will pay for it that way. Otherwise, call her PCP to see if you can get him to order rehab for her a different way.
When SnoopyLove says call Adult Protective Services to get mom on their radar, the idea is this: you report her as a 'vulnerable adult'; someone who's in harms way but refusing to help herself. APS comes out to do an assessment; if they find that she's not properly cared for, they can order her into care. APS is social services.
We can't say why or how mom is getting 20 meds w/o going to the doctor? She can get meds online even, who knows?
Stepdad has to understand that mom may be 'mad' at him for stepping in for an intervention, and that's ok b/c she'll be ALIVE to be angry!
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. I feel for you.
"I'm living in my moms basement with my wife, upstairs is my stepdad n mom, my mom was told by doctors 30years ago that she would die within 20, now that testing n doctor is better she dosnt go she just pops her 20 meds a day n sleeps 20 hours. I need to find her proper help... "
Since you're living in your mom's basement, you must be helping with caregiving? And now it sounds as if it's getting to be just too much. How does your wife feel about this living situation?
Do you go to doctor appointments with her and tell the doctor that mom sleeps all the time and messes up her meds?
Why do you live in mom's basement?
Is mom's depression being treated by a psychiatrist?
How does mom's lack of self care affect you? If she is competent, she can live as she pleases.
Yes I told her doctors things, but its doctors that dont care obviously cause they jus fill meds n don't even see her.
I live in moms basement cause she asked me to move in cause it will help me n I can help her at house so I agreed but now livin here I see she dosnt want help she jus wants to sleep her life away.
She has no shrink she says she's fine but a monkey can see she is depressed. But because of a nerve illness she takes cymbalta... I remember 15 years ago when I tore all my ligements n nerves in my arm my pain doctor put me on cymbalta also but explained to me that it has to be monitored cause its also for depression so it needs to be changed a lot.
Its not affecting me besides I see sue just comoletly gave up
Do you live with Mom and are you her caregiver?
Does your Mom suffer from mental illness?
Who is POA for Mom and has this POA and Mom discussed all this with her MD ( the ONLY ONE who can order rehab for her).?
If your Mom is mentally competent then how she lives and what she does is entirely her own business. No one can force anyone else to do anything, really.
You might ask yourself if you are enabling your Mom. As Beatty says, "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions".
As I said, you cannot make decisions for others. Either can your stepdad. But you both CAN make decisions for yourselves. And you should.