In regards to short-term memory loss, is it normal to have to write everything down for my father as to my movements?

In my case, I write the basics down for my husband pretty much daily. I work mornings (M-Th) and have done so for a year & a half. Every day he asks “When will you be home?” If I have errands after work I give him an approximate time I will be home. (I give myself a buffer. If I left work on the dot & came straight home it would be 12:30, but I tell him 1:30 every day so I can get errands done or have some time to myself.) He went through a spell recently where he called my cell # frequently, but he doesn’t know how to dial his phone consistently now, so that seems to have passed for the time being. He struggles with answering his phone too, but we have an Alexa near his chair that I can make “announcements” thru. (I also have a video camera on him that we can both talk thru, and although I have tested it, I haven’t used it with him.) I call him on my way home to touch base & reassure him I will be there soon. Anyhow, as much as he refuses to acknowledge he has Alzheimer’s (he calls it brain fog), he does seem to realize he’s not in full command of himself. He becomes anxious when I leave & he generally does one of two things - goes back to bed or sits in his chair. He has no concept of time passing even though he has a memory clock right next to him. He couldn’t tell you if I’d just left or if I’ve been gone all day. He hasn’t worked in almost a year, but to him he just went to work a few days ago. Time is all jumbled up & there is no convincing him otherwise. It’s just something his broken brain can’t process, even on his best days.

As for how I speak to him…I try my hardest not to talk “mean” to him, but he manages to push all my buttons. We seldom ever argued before & he had never insulted me or said anything mean. Now, everything is my fault and not only does he say rude, mean things to me, he says insulting things about my family & even his own kids. I know it’s not “him” saying these things, and I try to forgive him but it crosses the line and really makes my blood boil. Sometimes I have to unleash & dish it right back. You can only ignore it, excuse it or walk away from it so much. He gets hyper-focused on something & WILL NOT LET IT GO. No amount of humor, re-direction or distracting him works. It has turned ugly a time or two, but fortunately (?) he doesn’t remember it minutes later. Unfortunately, he’ll restart the conversation minutes later. It gives me a do over, but they don’t always end any better. We’re all doing the best we can. Some days go better than others. The time is getting closer that I will not be able to leave him alone. However, in our case I think having a companion aide come in will be a better option than me leaving my job & being with him 24/7. That would not be healthy for either of us.

No you are not accountable to your Father nor have to explain your every outing.

But a short note with "back about X time" may be useful.

As short term memory fades he won't remember what time you said or where you are. He will just know you aren't there & will get anxious being alone.

Then his anxiety spills into anger at you when you return.

My advice is to look past his anger, look to what is behind it. If he is getting fearful to be left alone, doesn't know what to do, it is time for 24/7 care.

Thie issue of accountability for my time is the ONLY thing I've maintained control over. I NEVER say a rime I'll be back (because I know the wrath if I'm not). I also never say where I'm going, because it opens up the discussion for why it's dangerous or what harm could come to me etc. 🙄

I simply say "I'm heading out now" and I quickly make my exit. Yes he does sometimes call. I just reassure him I'll be back in awhile, again not committing to a time or being apologetic in any way.

I wonder if you could do a reset...?? It's stifling to have an elderly parent still parenting you, even if it's dementia.

Dear AA,
You are an adult you do not have to leave a schedule or itinerary for your
Dad. Whether it is dementia or just an elderly parent that has always had a sick need for control I don't know. I don't think this has come out of nowhere because
these sort of things are family issues. I can relate to your frustration of not being treated as an adult. You have to learn to not respond. It gets you no where. You must leave the room. Go to the bathroom and don't come out for awhile. Don't let people shame you for honesty. I'll tell you the worst thing I have ever said to my dad. I told him to . He was arguing about my driving, he was shouting in my ear trying to grab the steering wheel and telling me how much he couldn't stand my husband. So I pulled to the side of the road and told him to and get in the back seat. This all happened in front of my child.
I dropped him off at his car and just drove away. A few days later the phone rang off the hook with a lot of you are a horrible daughter messages left. But my son said to me " Mom, I am proud of you. You finally stood up to him. Grandpa is just not a very nice guy." All of this to tell you we all have bad days.

The thought of ever telling one of my parents to shut up and mind their own business when they were elderly and I didn't know if they had dementia or not is abhorrent to me.

Of course, I'd have never done that to them when they were in their right mind either, nor would I speak to any elderly person like that.

Where is the compassion??

No you don't have to write everything down.

Let him be passive aggressive, it can't hurt you if you know he's doing it.

You should remind him of the agreement to stop trying to be the man of the house, that's your husband's position and he needs to respect that.

Personally, I would always tell him I am going to take care of something for my DH and I will be home around dinner. He thinks that you should obey your husband and serve him, so use it.

Personality disorders do get worse with aging, but in people who don't suffer from dementia. However, personality disorders even normal personalities, get buried under the dementia. That's why I object the use of personality disorder labels in people with dementia. In dementia, there is no personality left, whether normal or abnormal. The progressive brain destruction caused by dementia, will destroy whatever previous personality (normal or abnormal) that person used to have.

There is nothing 'normal' about dementia. Short term memory loss means your father can't remember things from one moment to the next, including the steps that are required to take a shower, or to cook an egg, for instance. Short term memory is what gets us through our days, basically; it's what helps us recall what we need to do after we open our eyes in the morning: go to the bathroom, flush the toilet, turn the water on in the shower, get in the shower, wash our body/hair, turn the water off, towel dry, put socks on, etc. etc. In reality, there are a TON of steps required to do the simplest of things in life!

If you think about it, short term memory is required to LIVE every single part of every day life. Without it, we're lost and floundering around, going out into the garden and wondering why we're there,? In reality, loss of short term memory is a huge and life altering event that impacts a person in every way imaginable. In ways that are inconceivable to us, who have our short-term memory intact. It can seem annoying or that they're doing stupid things on purpose TO irritate us when they ask certain questions or seem to forget certain things, but it's their brains misfiring or their brain damage that's to blame instead.


Your father is confused about most aspects of life now. Time is another thing that's of utmost confusion to him, most likely. He has no real concept of it anymore. You were gone for 3 hours, for instance running errands, but to dad, it may have seemed like you were gone for 12 hours, due to his lack of concept of time. He asks you a question, you give him a snarky comeback which alerts him to the fact that he's confused, and wham, he's back at YOU with a passive/aggressive comeback b/c he's scared AND confused. He's also lost his filter, thanks to dementia, so he's likely to become more aggressive/argumentative, etc. My mother was always an argumentative person, but as her dementia worsened, every single thing I said to her was turned into an argument. If I said black, she said white. If I agreed it was white in an effort NOT to argue, she'd insist it was blue. Truly a no-win situation :(

Buying him a stopwatch isn't going to fix anything b/c your dad has dementia and time is now a confusing concept for him too. Writing things down on sticky notes may work for him for a while; it depends on how far down the dementia path he is right now. The caregivers wrote notes and left them all over my mother's room in her Memory Care. Big LARGE notes in BOLD writing: PLEASE CALL FOR HELP BEFORE YOU GET UP JOANN. She ignored the notes and/or she did not comprehend what they meant and thus, she tried to get up alone every morning and fell out of bed at least 40x. All in all, she took 95 falls. She was in the moderate phase of dementia when notes lost all value and meaning to her, about the same time she stopped reading books and magazines b/c she could no longer understand the words.

Learn all you can about dementia and what it means to your father's quality of life, and to you as his potential caregiver.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.


Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

It takes a special kind of patience & level of understanding to care for and live with an elder who's diagnosed with Alzheimers/dementia. I know I am not that person myself, which is why my mom lived in a Memory Care ALF where she got a great level of care by truly wonderful teams of caregivers. As dad progresses down this path, you will have to decide if you can continue being his caregiver or if he needs Memory Care placement himself, I suppose, or perhaps in-home caregivers to help out on a regular basis.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

Why does your sister have say over where dad lives?

You need to tell her that he needs to reside elsewhere.

Why is that not possible?

Otherwise, you need to simply ignore his rude comments, or reply rudely yourself.

I thought you and your husband told him to keep his opinions to himself or he'd have to reside elsewhere? Why hasn't that happened?

If you have observed drastic changes in your father's personality recently, you should suspect the beginning of dementia. If you father has been this way always, then you and your father should live apart. Short-term memory loss is not exclusive of dementia. Normal aging causes short-term memory deficit too. The difference is that in aging, the memory loss is not accompanied by personality changes, poor judgement, difficult concentration, disorientation and difficulties for understanding language and communicating. If dementia is suspected, speak to his doctor and have him tested by a neuropsychologist.