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My elderly mother came to live with us a few years ago. She can still manage some things quite well but definitely needs a lot of help. She is often overwhelmed by what I consider minor annoyances. In my opinion there is no way she could manage on her own but she seems to blame me for her diminishing independence.


She frequently makes little comments and complaints that up til now I have just ignored. Is this the right response?


I think she needs to accept the way things are now and be happy that she isn’t in an assisted living situation, but she always focuses on the negative.
Any advice would be appreciated.

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Assisted Living isn't a punishment; it can actually be a much better living arrangement for your negative-nelly mother than living with you b/c she may be bored with nothing to do & nothing to focus her energy on. In AL, she can complain with the others about the 'horrible food', the other residents, the decor, the weather, the ugly clothing Mildred is wearing, the boring arts & crafts projects they're working on today, the stupid outing they went on with the mini-bus, etc, etc. Life in home is quite different than life in a bustling senior community, let's face it. Plus, you get to hear her complaints 24/7 whereby in AL, she gets 100 sets of ears to listen to her endless complaints!

You can ignore your mother's complaints or you can talk to her about them, nothing's going to change, as it hasn't with my mother's endless lifelong complaints. She's been the 'poor soul' who's had a rotten husband, a rotten daughter, rotten houses, rotten vacations and a rotten lot in life for her entire 94.5 years on Earth. What helps me is not having to listen to her complaints for more than 15 minutes a day on the phone or an hour a week in person during our visits to her in Memory Care Assisted Living 4 miles away.

I can tell you this: she's MUCH happier in AL than she ever would have been living with me & my DH, that's for sure. She had 100 other residents in AL to complain about, and now 22 other residents to complain about in MC, vs. only DH & I to complain about in my house! Just yesterday at our visit she was complaining about the new resident in her community who 'prances around showing off all day long' and what a nerve he had. Keeps her mind occupied with something new to dwell on all the time!

Wishing you the best of luck deciding what's best for YOU now.
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I learned a lot from Teepa Snow (a dementia expert) through her many YouTube videos. One response she suggests is to tell your LO "This is hard". This response acknowledges her complaint (real or imagined), how it is for you, and doesn't necessarily take the complaint anywhere, yet it can satisfy. I do agree that having her in your home makes you her perceived Entertainment Committee by default. She needs distractions. Have you considered Adult Daycare? Sometimes churches have programs that do this for a much lower cost than a dedicated daycare. Or, you can hire a companion aid to drive her on errands, play cards or games with her, or just sit ad shoot the breeze/watch tv/talk politics. For 6 years we had one for my 2 aunts in FL. She was just awesome and they thoroughly enjoyed her. Got her through an agency.

In the interim you can see what chores she can help you do: folding laundry, sorting/pairing socks, cutting old t-shirts into rags, polishing silverware... whatever her physical abilities allow. FYI these do not need to be "real" chores. If she has some memory impairment she won't remember she just did this yesterday. We keep a large pile of kitchen towels jumbled up and when we want a break from my aunt's constant talking we ask if she'd be willing to "help" us fold some towels. She's never said no. This engages their minds and bodies and my aunt sleeps like a baby every night, without the sleeping aids was taking prior. Keep looking for options, you never know what might work.
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StrugglingSue Aug 2021
I will look for these YouTube videos, thank you.
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Let her do as much as possible for herself, even if she complains. We all want to be as independent as we can be, for as long as we can be, so allow her that much. I would only help her if she asks for your help, otherwise let her do things on her own even if it takes her longer.
And just because you think she should be "happy that she isn't in an assisted living situation," doesn't mean that she wouldn't be happy in that situation. There are some great assisted living facilities out there, where people thrive and enjoy being around other folks their age, and still have some independence.
Have you actually asked your mom what she would prefer? Never assume that just because you think one way that it means your mom feels the same way.
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StrugglingSue Aug 2021
Yes, she has said she doesn’t want to be in an assisted living situation.
She might enjoy visiting with some other people, but she’s always been a homebody and kept to herself. I really hope she can find some happiness in her last years, but she’s always been independent and a controlling type person so this is especially hard for her.
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She may 'never' accept what is. This is a given based on her age and life-style.
She is a 'glass half-empty' person vs a 'glass half-full" person. Some people are 'positive' oriented and some think the worst or negative. This has to do (perhaps) over a life-time of experience, childhood upbringing, self-esteem. My mother was a dry glass all the time. This is from her her-story (history). Fear, anxiety, low self esteem. Understand the behavior from their perspective (if you can; often not easy for a family member as you / family is enmeshed in the family dynamics). It requires you 'STEP OUT' of your role / relationship as you knew / know it and put on a new hat.

Yes, she will blame you. Who else will she blame? It is ALWAYS the person closest to the inflicted/elder who is the target. I got both barrels (or acres full) of this working with a client for three years. It is how they release stress and frustration. Sure, of course, it DOESN'T feel good and it hurts. It hurts more for a family member, of course. Learn to accept IT IS NOT PERSONAL. It is the brain changing. Learn to react with COMPASSION. This is what both need. Learn to allow yourself to grieve, too. It is a loss. Do not overlook this.

No. I would say IGNORING her is not the 'right' response, as you ask.
I would encourage you to learn to:

1. Acknowledge (what is said. "Yes, I understand you feel this way."
PERIOD. END OF CONVERSATION

2. Re-Direct: "Oh look, the sun is out today" do you want to XXX (go for a walk, get some flowers?)

3, If you get stuck, say "I'll consider that . . . "I'll think about that (and get back to you).

4. DO NOT engage in arguing 'they will always be right (from their point of view).
This is a trap - like a spider web - families fall into: they want what they want and will argue for it as if their life depends on it (to them, it does). It is fear of the unknown, fear of the brain changes they are aware of/losing independence, fear of nothing is as it has been for many decades.
- It is really a last straw - and reflects the intense desire / need to feel / be independent - and how they deal with fear.

How to talk to a person aging, with (or without) dementia, needing support due to disability takes awareness and practice. It is not a natural way to talk to people, esp with dementia. We learn as we go - whether working with clients (as I do) or with a family member.

The brain has a mind of its own . . . It is one of the main reasons I LOVE this work - I must be 'on the ball' all the time as I never know what will be presented to me (as a care manager / working with clients). Many, if not most, family members do not understand dementia (when it smacks one in the face-'here it is') nor how to respond to their loved one - who is 'turning into' someone else - with a different brain and capacity of understanding.
- Often family members are fearful, timid, do not know what to do (which is why people come here for support).
- It is a learning process - how to talk, respond, behave to a loved one with dementia or doing / acting out in ways that could be harmful to their self.

* It is tricky to tell someone that they forget when they do not remember they forget. This is why it is important to acknowledge the feelings underneath the behavior / words.

* A person needs to know they are being heard / listened to. This is the connection they want - we all want. I am amazed that a client of mine, with severe dementia (and on 'strong' meds at one time) actually heard me - speaking calmly to her, saying I am 'here to help you'. Within minutes she fell asleep - this was after her physically fighting with a caregiver, trying to get out of bed. I really don't know how I did it - calm her down - if it was, in fact, me who is responsibility. She might have exhausted herself. Still, she likely realized someone (me) was 'on her side,' listening to her. I asked her 'what do you want?' - I showed her respect.

EVERY SITUATION I
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Slartabart Aug 2021
I hope the poster got as much meaning and help out of your reply as I did. I found this to be sensitive, informative, and very timely for my own situation.
It’s funny how we can “know” information, but apparently cannot “apply” it,
always. I find that to be the case over and over. It may have to do with overload, or false assumptions, or biases, or, or, or! But thankfully, I “heard” some things you spoke of in a way that I heard, and can apply today. Although I am a careful reader, I cannot always “hear”. So true for so many, and I think. A good reminder for those who suffer to much in the effort of problem-solving for elders. Slow down and listen to those with helpful recommendations, don’t believe ALL advice, but apply info critically to your own situation, and prioritize simple techniques to aid your loved one to feel safe. Thanks so much.
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I am with funkygrandma on this. Maybe you don't realize you are disabling her. I am an impatient person. Like to get it done and over. But that was with a person who had Dementia. Let Mom do what she thinks she can. Walk away and say "holler if u need anything" When she blames you for taking away her independence, tell her "I think age has something to do with that Mom".

Maybe Mom would be happier in an AL. She would have her independence. She can go to her room when she wants. Socialize when she wants. Walk around the building go outside to the garden. Living with you she gave up a lot. Its your home not hers.
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"I’m taking this life one day at a time, today was okay so I’m ready for tomorrow." In my opinion, taking life one day at a time is a good approach for everyday tasks that don't significantly impact upon quality of life. Let me explain.

Planning for retirement is something that takes a lot of thought and preparation. It takes time to set up a retirement plan and then execute it. Funding ones retirement includes automatic contributions on a regular basis. If you had to remember to make contributions one day at a time, you'd probably go mad and not have enough money when the time came to retire. And that would make for a lower quality of life during retirement.

Like retirement planning, planning for longterm care whether ones own or that of a parent, also takes a lot thought and preparation. Caregiving must work for all involved. When it stops working and it negatively affects your quality of life, it's time to make a plan.

By the way, I also watched a lot of Teepa Snow's videos and found many helpful tips. Please keep in mind that she is a professional - she doesn't carry all the emotional baggage with which many parent-child relationships are fraught. People respond to her differently than they do their children who are trying to apply her strategies. And like any good professional, she makes it look easy. But when you're the one who has to implement her strategies day after day just to get through another day, do not beat yourself up if you find that you've bitten off more than you can chew. Not everyone is wired to be a hands-on, full-time caregiver.
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StrugglingSue Aug 2021
Thank you for your insightful response. I’m sure everything you say is true. I feel like I cannot implement many of the suggestions here for a few reasons: my mom is on a walker with very limited mobility, she is super-resistant to any talk of counseling, medication etc., and she has been very frightened by this COVID situation and won’t go anywhere, not even for a drive. She can still bath, cook and do light housekeeping thankfully because this helps her feel somewhat independent. Her plan is to pay for home care when she cannot do these things herself. It’s very difficult for me to determine her mental state though because although she seems very lucid she is very negative and sulky.
As you imply, I feel like she talks to me very differently than other people, and responds to me very differently when I bring up certain subjects.
I guess my plan is to keep things status quo until something drastic changes… not a great plan, I agree but I just have no idea at all what I could do at this point.
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Do you really think her "little comments and complaints" are going to stop? Her needs are only going to increase. She could live another 10+ years. How much longer do you want to live like this? How much longer do you want to be her only support system?
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StrugglingSue Aug 2021
I’m taking this life one day at a time, today was okay so I’m ready for tomorrow.
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Her utterances are more about her anxiety and frustration than about you. Do take these as a sign that she may be having problems coping and need a little help. Counselling is worth a shot for a few sessions. Seeing a geriatric psychiatrist for a little medication assistance is probably a better option.
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Expecting someone to accept reality is reasonable. Expecting them to be happy about it, or at least happy that things aren't worse, is ... not.

Without knowing what sort of little comments and complaints, we can't possibly agree with your strategy or suggest any others. What are some typical bones of contention?
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StrugglingSue Aug 2021
Many of her complaints are not necessarily unreasonable. She complains to me about her bills not all coming in at the same time, the birds nesting by her porch and making a mess, the weather, her computer, the fact that she’s stuck in the house, etc etc.
She has never been a social person and now does not want to go anywhere, especially with this never ending virus situation. I’m sure she’s lonely but she never talks to me about anything other than her latest complaint, so I tend to avoid her. She has a separate living area and takes care of herself for the most part, but she seems easily confused and frustrated.
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StrugglingSue: Imho, perhaps your mother's persona may have always been on the negative side OR this is because she's elderly and who can blame her, really? She may benefit from being in an assisted living facility.
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StrugglingSue Aug 2021
She might benefit from Assisted Living but would never agree to that.
Ive always felt she needed to socialize more but she doesn’t get on well with other people
Yes, she has always been negative but I think it just has become more pronounced with age and her limitations.
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