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Then she has the audacity last night at the hospital that she has NO SHOULDER TO CRY ON. That she is all alone. I told her if she wants companionships she can go to assisted living. She just changed the subject.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
That is awful. Hopefully the social worker saw through that act! Because you have been there for her, over and over again!
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Stay in touch with APS.
A person who refuses help may eventually accept it. It is important for everyone to stay involved and support the vulnerable adult as much as he or she will allow.
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She has literally pushed away all family and friends so she has NOBODY in her life. If I walk away, who is going to know if she is dead or alive? That would mean I would have to pretend she’s dead to me now. How can this be right??? I am so torn up inside I could scream. Sometimes I wish I would die before her.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
It is extremely disturbing. Certainly, not fair. Very difficult to contend with. I’m sorry, Elaine. I wish that I could have been more helpful. You know that I wish you all the best and wish you could live in peace. You deserve to be at peace.
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Frustrating and downright abuse to us adult children! I keep fantasizing that I can sue my mom for 1) the money I spent last year to help her come home the first time around and 2) for the anguish and physical distress she's caused me the rest of the year.

My mom gets discharged today after round #2 in hospital/LTC. I'm nowhere near the scene this time around . Have no idea if utilities are on - or house hasn't been broken into this whole time she was laid up. The caregiver she hires (under the table) will be there to meet with her when she gets home.

The only thing I can say at this point - it's her problem, not mine. I gave up. (sort of). But I' steering clear of my mom as much as I can now. I've got to get back to my life anyway.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Sad. Isn’t it? Truly sad. I’m so sorry.
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Needhelpwithmom you have been very helpful!! I appreciate everyone’s answer. I just feel like I can’t live with myself if I go no contact. I wouldn’t know if she were alive or dead. It sounds good on paper but even when I have backed off seeing her to 3 days a week it is constantly on my mind. Wondering and worrying on the days I don’t see her. Most of the time she is depressed and doesn’t want to get out of bed. She told the social worker this at the hospital.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Your feelings are normal. Not sure how you should follow up with your actions. Even if you hired someone for her, they would not be able to stand the clutter in her house. She would send them home. Would be a waste of money.
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Needhelpwithmom, my mother doesn’t say it but I think she is afraid of dying.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
She might be. I wonder if she spoke to clergy if it would help.
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Elaine, I understand you not wanting to go 'no contact'. I wouldn't want to do that either, if I were in your shoes. It's not about going 'no contact' really, but about not rescuing the woman from all of her issues. Can you tell her to call you at a certain time every day to check in? Or, can you call her at a certain time every day to check in? Even though she doesn't answer the phone normally, could something be arranged where she would agree to the once a day check in?
The problem here is that YOUR life is being ruined in the process of mother 'living her own life.' What would it take for YOU to feel better here and to not make statements like 'sometimes I wish I would die before her.'?
THAT is what's important here. Your mother is 95.......her days are numbered no matter what, you know? You can't save her from herself, so decide what you will and won't do, like the daily phone check in's and stuff. Maybe bring her some food once a week or something like that. What's the minimum you can do to where you feel useful but that it's not killing you?

What about hiring someone to do a daily check in? To see if/what she needs. Then you would KNOW that she is okay and not laying on the floor dying! That's something to consider also.

Think about that. Again, mom is 95. This situation won't go on forever. Don't come out of this completely wrecked. Then two lives will be lost. Sending you a big hug
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
You know, I really like the idea of hiring someone to check in on her at a certain time. Hey, let this person witness what is going on. They report back to you and you remain in neutral territory.

Elaine,

Speak to Council on Aging about all of this. See if they have any advice as well.

Even if it’s not a daily check in. Try to maybe pay a flat fee. So it won’t cost as much to you but also fair to them. I bet a student would jump at the extra money. Is she near a high school or university where students are?
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Thank you lealonnie, Needhelpwithmom, everyone!!! Thank you so much!! My fear is calling APS and having them investigate ME!!!! That is my fear. I am sending a note to her doctor through her portal today and I am making an appointment on Monday to talk to an elder lawyer. But I sincerely appreciate every single one of you!!! Every one of you has sound advice and great suggestions. OMG I needed to vent so bad!!! Thank you all for listening to me!!!! All of you are truly appreciated!!!
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Jada824 Feb 2020
Elaine1962,
I can hear the pain in your posts. in all the times I have contacted APS they have never once investigated me....I don’t think you should worry about that. They’ll know that your the one concerned for her safety.

My heart really goes out to you and the pain you’re going through.
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Good luck! I will say a prayer and send good thoughts. You’re very welcome, Elaine.
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Needhelpwithmom, the problem is she won’t let ANYONE in her house except me. I should have caused a ruckus at the hospital and pushed all of my mothers buttons so they could see how she acts towards me. When we were both talking to the social worker and I disagreed with something she had said she turned to me and softly said “you make me sick”. She said this all the time to my father. She has mental illness. But even mental illness doesn’t mean somebody is incompetent.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Maybe so. But I have a suspicion that she may have played it cool then and caused you to look like you’re hysterical. They are manipulative like that!

Sad that she spoke to your dad like that.
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Elaine,

Your mother is severely mentally ill. The contact you do have with her is toxic. She groomed you to be the way you are with her. The anguish she puts you through is abundantly clear!

Her not answering the phone is manipulation to get you coming in person. As long as you are calling her from your house or cell phone, you will have a telephone record of attempting to reach out.

You can call the non-emergency number of the police to do a welfare check on her. Call enough times, and the police may be your allies in forcing something to happen.

Call APS and leave your name. Tell them you can no longer check on her because she is verbally abusive and her home is a death trap. And do not let her drag your son into this.

And the next time she lands in the hospital, tell the social worker or whoever is calling you that discharge to home is unsafe, that you cannot help her, that she is verbally abusive to you, and that her home is a death trap. Let the hospital deal with her. And perhaps, when she realizes that you are not coming to get her, she will answer her phone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Good idea about the welfare check. You can say that she doesn’t always answer her phone.
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I promise to let everyone know what happens after I talk her doctor and an elder lawyer. We have elder lawyers right down the road from me. Don’t worry about me. I’m tough and I will get through this. I won’t do anything stupid, irrational, or impulsive!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Please do, Elaine

Let us know. Pulling for you. 💗
Yes, unfortunately you have lots of practice dealing with your mom!
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Smoke detectors and now carbon monoxide detectors are required by law.
Call the fire department for an inspection.
They are mandated reporters.

There are AL facilities that have group bus rides to the casinos.
Maybe she could get excited about that?
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Oh, Elaine! I’m sooo sorry. How infuriating to have to explain the back story to everyone and then NOT really be heard. I get it. My tears came out, almost uncontrollably, as the social worker and nurse actually listened to MY back story about Mom. They spoke to neuro who ordered psych eval and a couple extra days in hospital, coming to a mild NCD diagnosis.

Mom’s neighbor reports Mom driving - probably bought new key fob from dealer (‘cause we have the two original sets of car keys).

But since hospital, neurologist and psychologist didn’t complete mandated paperwork for the state, there’s no way to enforce her taking the driver eval/test via the scripts given her at discharge. State doesn’t know her new diagnosis.

I’m sick with how this is going . . . .
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dogparkmomma Feb 2020
Take the car. Let her fuss and even call the police on you. At least she won’t kill anyone and you can tell that to the judge.
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Elaine,
Fed up and still in shock. Because aren't we on the side of the elder, getting them the best care, for their benefit? And, they come against us. Hey Mom, I am on your side! Hey hubs, I am on your side. Just how does it get all twisted up, a legal liability, and a battle?

So sorry you are going through this.
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Katsmihur Feb 2020
That’s right . . . . Leave any type of physical situation.

My Mom took a step closer to me, backing me up to a door, after I suggested it may be time to speak to her doc about her legs. Through clenched teeth and tightened jaw, she told me I didn’t know anything. I said ok and left her house.

She’s never been violent, but I’ve never had to oppose her, either. She doesn’t like that, lol. And yes, I am on her side - but she doesn’t see it that way.
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Thank you sendhelp for your comments. Katsmihur, I’m so sorry you are going through this with your Mother.
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Rovana, yes I am calling the elder lawyer on Monday with all my questions. I just wrote down yours regarding abandonment. Perhaps she doesn’t want to live anymore. I know she is depressed and gets like this every winter because she can’t get out often because of the cold and snow here in New York. Thank goodness she doesn’t drive anymore. Her car died 3 years ago and I took it to the junk yard. She didn’t have any money to buy a new one and I told her I wasn’t co-signing for one. So luckily she has no car and isn’t getting another one so I don’t have to worry about her driving and killing someone out on the road.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
This is good, Elaine. You can put your mind at ease after speaking to the attorney. I have to say that laws can be confusing at times.

I never understood the laws concerning swimming pools. If someone jumps a fence and drowns in your pool the family can sue. That is insane to me. Aren’t they trespassing? I feel bad about their death but I don’t feel a family should be able to sue.

My neighbors have a cover with a lock on their pool. Now that’s smart!
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Elaine, this has to be so very difficult for you. But one thing you have to recognize is that Rovana's responses to you carry the short and not - so - sweet truth. The Social Worker and all others are not at fault. The system is what it is and the system makes the best decisions it can; it is anything but an exact science when the law can intervene and when it cannot.
You have two things here that will prevent intervention of the law and social services.
1. Mom is still not adjudged incompetent. She is in charge of her own decisions in life until that happens. Hoarding is yes, a mental illness, but no, not against the law.
2. The law cannot act to intervene in the life of a competent person. they are allowed to choose when and whether to shower, how much to clutter their homes with.
Now there are times when the law CAN intervene and that is when someone is living in a situation that represents a health danger to themselves or others. Animal feces, in fact would change this whole situation. Even human feces would as some hoarders will not even part with their own soiled diapers. So there must be a health hazard. Mold might even work. Floor boards falling in. That sort of thing. If I sound like someone who once watched Hoarders, I am.
But there has to be a direct and emergent (as in this is an emergency) threat to life or limb of self or others.
You may have to move "away from this mess" for your own sanity. You yourself know that this WILL at some point come to a head with some catastrophe. At that point I would caution you to watch what you wish for. Guardianship or POA over your Mom will be almost useless unless she is locked into memory care, and she is competent so that will not happen. If guardianship is needed I would advise that you let the state be the battleground, and let them take over; this mess could just kill you, and leave your Mom even more helpless and in the same condition. Hoping you will keep us posted. Wishing you every good luck and am so sorry for all you are going through.
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rovana Feb 2020
Thanks for your reply Alva.  You have me doing some further thinking....."Health Dept."  Sounds like there might be a health danger to self or better yet, community, to be found here if you think enough about it.  If mom has not kept up the house for a long time - any fire danger? Or is there any evidence of vermin?  I am concerned that Elaine is hoping to convince her mom to follow her own best interests, but this is proving to be an impossible task with mental illness in the picture.  Would NAMI be able to provide some kind of advice in handling a mentally ill parent?
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Elaine, You don't have to go no contact! Talking on the phone and getting e mail and snail mail are both contacts. But you don't want to be her grocery delivery person and you don't want to enter her house except to take photos on your phone. When I began talking with an attorney about my mthr, he had a hard time understanding how I would not want to be helping anymore. This is common among people who have good relationships with their parents. You need to stress that she is verbally abusing you and that she is like an alcoholic with her protective secrets and manipulating people's emotions. And like an alcoholic, there is no way to help her until she hits bottom. And that's what you want to do, to "allow her to live on her own," as the hospital says she has the right, but free of your interference, and if she fails, it's on her and not you. The question for the attorney is how do you legally accomplish that without liability for her failure?
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
This is so true! People who have not walked in our shoes simply don’t understand.
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Thank you Surprise and Alvadeer for your responses. I really appreciate your answers. My son and I went over to her house to shovel and she had a lot of snow in her driveway. There was a guy walking his dog and he told me to call the village to come home plow the end of her driveway. It was way too deep at the end. He gave me the number to call and said it is an emergency because my mother is 95 years old and an ambulance wouldn’t be able to get through at all. So my son and I shoveled most of the driveway and I called the village for the end. It’s Sunday and I’m still waiting to see if they transferred the message. These are things I need to tell the elder lawyer. She sleeps all day and is up all night. She can’t walk in the dining room to see if it needs to be plowed because of all the clutter. But if I don’t call someone to do the driveway and she needed help, they couldn’t get up the driveway. Would I be held liable if I didn’t get her driveway done? These are questions I am going to ask the lawyer. I’m calling tomorrow to set up an appointment. She called me last night at 11pm and said you don’t need to come over Sunday (today) because I have diarrhea and I will be sleeping. She sleeps a lot lately. So I didn’t go inside the house. We just shoveled the driveway except for the end.
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BBS2019 Feb 2020
No, you are not "liable" for what happens on her property. She is liable. But when an elderly person can't take care of their property and won't hire people to do that for them, they should be in an apartment or assisted living or living with a relative if that's possible. I don't have sympathy for these frail elderly people who expect their relatives to maintain their homes.
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Also, my Mother DOES NOT drive anymore. I took her 20 year old car to the junkyard 3 years ago. I just wanted to let everyone know she does not drive because some people have made comments about her driving. I’m so glad I never had that battle with her. The car died and I had to take it to the junk yard. She gambled all her money away so she couldn’t buy a new one. She never talks about driving anymore. Thank goodness!! She takes call a bus which is 3.00 each way to the bank and the grocery store.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
She’s probably afraid to drive which is a good thing! I didn’t have a battle with either of my parents about not driving. I am grateful too.
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Does anybody have suggestions to ask the elder lawyer? I’m compiling my questions and I don’t want to forget anything. I would welcome suggestions or questions to ask the lawyer. I’m calling to make an appointment. Hopefully I can get in this week. Thank you!!
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Rovana, no mice or rodents that I know of. She has running water and plumbing. She has heat. She has air conditioning in the summer. My mother last year got her home owners insurance to pay for a new garage door and a new roof. Her insurance paid for it all because she said it happened in a wind storm.
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Unfortunately ,that is the law, just went through all this in Pennsylvania. Two days before my sister-in-law passed away I was allowed to take over as POA, due to the fact she could no longer comprehend or communicate. So sorry, but they do have their rights . We are helpless.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Yep, and the law protects their rights and indeed leaves children helpless.
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Very simple. Refuse to remove her from the hospital. Call 911 and state that once again she has shortness of breath and this time add that she has chest pain. They will have to keep her for at least a day, when the hospital says she can go home refuse to take her due to the extreme danger to her health. Let the hospital place her. No one can make you take responsibility.
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cetude Feb 2020
Her mom can refuse placement and if she's still with it she will be discharged home. Most hospitals have a taxi service if family refuses to transport them
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Elaine1962, you’ve been given some very spot-on suggestions, esp from Lea, Rovana & NYDIL. But all the suggestions folks on AC and options that elder law atty your planning on seeing this week gives you, won’t matter unless YOU STOP ENABLING her.

That clearing snow for her, picking her up from the ER, shopping & running errands, whatever’s are all enabling her. STOP ENABLING!

How you describe her, well.... she’s an addict with mental health issues.
Gambling is an addiction.
Yeah it’s not like having kid on meth who is doing their dammdest Jesse Pinkman impersonation; or slumped over with a needle in their arm like in Trainspotting; or raging alcoholic like in Save the Tiger. Those are in your face addictions. Gambling is way more subtle. It’s the ostensibly sweet lil widow playing slots, but she is actually a honey badger.

Mom needs out of that house & into a regulated environment for her own health, safety & security. She’s 95, things are not gonna get better.
Shes one fall from a crisis and full out panic situation for you all. Although that might just be the best thing cause you do NOT pick her up and let discharge planner find her a facility & if need be she becomes a ward of the state.

I’d really highly suggest that you need to yourself go to a Gambling Anonymous family counseling. If your state has casinos, state has some sort of free resources for gambling addictions & these include family. The casinos have to put funds into the programs in order to be licensed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Yes, because they know that some people become addicted. There are regulars at casinos. Those people aren’t recreational gamblers.
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If she is competent I don't care what state she lives in she has the right to spend her money the way she wants, and live the way she wants...I say let her enjoy herself. If she enjoys gambling, let her gamble. If she spends it all, that's her business. You are lucky you still have your mom and she is still with it. My mom died of end-stage Alzheimer's (actually cancer got her, not the Alzheimer's) requiring a feeding tube and she could not longer talk or react to the environment at age 90..it was very hard work keeping her going.

If her house is dirty, you can encourage her to hiring a cleaning service or you can help her clean up. Alternatively you *CAN* move in with her, or have her live WITH you so you can keep an eye on her. Maybe she gambles because she is lonely. If I were her age and still with it I'd be causing all kinds of trouble and get away with it LOL
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calicokat Feb 2020
I'm sorry that you lost your mom, and it sounds like it was a very rough time as well ;(

I wanted to point out, Dirty and Hoarding are two vastly different things. Hiring a cleaning service would not make much difference. Hoarding has a mental illness component and unless/until that can be addressed, it won't stop. Doesn't sound like mom is ready for any help on that front, unfortunately.
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Texas isn't any better. My 87 year old father fell a few weeks ago and smacked his head on concrete, resulting in a concussion. He already has dementia but the fall has made it much worse. He refused to consider going to the doctor for 5 days, and when he did, it was just to go to a dermatology appt. Fortunately, at the appt, he was acting strangely and with the gash on his head, they sent him to the hospital for a couple of days and then to rehab, which was supposed to be for 2 weeks.

While he was in the hospital, I was advised that he should never be driving again, and would need someone with him 24/7 going forward. None of this advise was put in writing!

2 days into rehab, he decided that he wanted to go home, against doctor's orders. I was expected to drop everything and go there to pick him up at 9pm. I asked if they could give him a sedative since he was clearly agitated and was told that they couldn't make him take any medicine. If I didn't pick him up, he was going to be leaving and walking 4+ miles to get home.

Of course, I did go pick him up and took him home and any discussion about his driving or hiring some help was promptly ignored. He is still doing exactly what he wants to do and I am furious that the medical professionals did nothing to help, especially since they were the ones that told me there need to be some restrictions. I'm supposed to follow their advise but have no record of their advise to use to get his driver's license revoked or to take to a lawyer to work on making some arrangements.
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yankeetooter Feb 2020
I live in Maryland, so the law might be different, but here, if you report the person to the Motor Vehicle Administration that they shouldn't be driving, they will make the person take the driving test again.
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It's the same in PA My dad at age 99 lived in a dirty and cluttered apt with insects all over, food left out, the smell was terrible, he smelled pissy all the time and refused to take a bath. If I took him food shopping I had to put my head out the window to breathe and I had to air my car out. I called the State agency to report elder self-abuse; the came they saw and they said "I've seen worse", they saw no problem and they left. This was before he fell in his apt and was there for 2 days (several falls before this) things fell on top of him so rescue had to look for him. While he was in the hospital the family cleaned his place, he blamed me since I was the care giver so he pulled a knife (not the first time). It tough enough dealing with his constent demands and behavior of lies and manipulation which really took a toll on me, dealing with State agencies didn't help! I understand they want to provide some protection for the elderly but it seems that it's unreasonable sometimes. I just can't wrap my brain around the idea of a 99 year old with dementia calling all the shots and you have to help unless you have them ruled incompetent, a POA is meaningless. They can spend the money at will, buy cars or whatever while he's living in Hud housing. He'll buy a car but won't go for hearing aids that he really needs.
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guiltandanger Feb 2020
Maybe check out the process for having him examined and an assessment for mental incompetency. Then, once declared incompetent, they could commit him for further evaluation. If he is incompetent, then someone will need to be appointed to serve as his guardian. It's very depressing and time-consuming and frustrating to experience this situation. Good luck to all.
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Hi , I live in western New York as well. I'm going thru the same thing with my father who is 80 and is a alcoholic and falls all the time . They sent him home with a broken finger with no splint etc. I'm tired of the hospitals they do nothing to help you or help the patient. Dont believe them if she falls. They still wont do anything. They say as long as they have capacity and can choose they cant force them.. nys has to have worst elder care laws I've ever heard of.
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my2cents Feb 2020
I think it is pretty much the same everywhere when you are dealing with a person who is competent enough to know what they are doing is not good, but choose to live that way.
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