I got thrust into caregiving 5 years ago by the convalescent hospital staff. I was scared to care for my husband post stroke; however, the hospital staff assured me they would train me. They missed teaching me everything. I felt worthless and scared. I cry a lot. I got diagnosed as having situational depression. 5 years later, I'm angry, resentful, and lonely as H*LL. It is inappropriate to talk to my kids and my friends all have well spouses so they don't understand. Does anyone relate? I feel so alone!
I can say that this month was jackpot for us. I found a hair salon that does more than ethnic hair and trendy hair styles and a fabulous young hair stylist to take care of her hair and a manicurist whose own mother has dementia. She was so patient with wife and did an excellent job on wife's hands. It was just a relief for me. Almost like a day off.
Sure beats the other type of workers that have very little patients with her. Which causes more work for me and leaves both of us worn out.
Yes I am lonely with only the people on here and my brother 1800 miles away to talk or listen to.
This site is almost like "Me" time. I can relax a bit when I am here.
thecaregiverspace.org
I just found this one through a Google search — you can click on for example “ All Caregivers” and then join the group. I think I’ll join it myself also.
I hope it it turns out to be a good site. Looks like there are other, more specific, chat rooms through this site too.
Take care,
Sheila
How does one join the conversation thread Pepsee set-up? Big hugs and good wishes
Good luck to you. My caregiving situation has ended and I'm back to a self-focused life and that's good for me. I found this site to be so helpful when I needed to connect to others for support, or just vent my heart out.
Please know that you are not alone.
Caregivers can become invisible.
Shame on the hospital staff that put you in this situation. I hope it's not too late to get help from a visiting nurse service. What exactly do you feel you need to be trained to do for your husband?
i understand. Does your husband have family near? Give Him to them for a day. Find out if there are any adult day cares you can use. Ask one of his friends to take him to a ball game. (I don’t know the level of care he needs but if the staff gave him to you to take care of with no help I’m sure they can manage a few hours.
I was blessed that my husband had four friends who kept visiting him after his stroke. We had 3 children, 13, 11, 8 He was physically fairly well off but had dementia. Enough said. You know.
** Caregivers Coffee Break**
Come and hang out when you feel lonely! ❤️
Thanks for your response and you are right that kids should not be a "therapist or counselor" to a parent, grandparent or any other adult.
And at 16 I bet it drives you nuts how "immature" some kids your own age are. Just know that you will take the lessons you are learning now and be a better person because of them
Hang in there.
I spent years caring for my mother at home and now in a nursing home, although I always considered her a good friend losing her to dementia can not compare to the heartache you must feel having lost your spouse, helpmate, other half. No, outsiders can never understand how completely your days and thoughts are bound up with the needs of someone else, only those who have been there can understand. Welcome to AgingCare, we are a group of individuals from around the world and from many walks of life but we are all caregivers willing to listen, support and befriend those like you who reach out.
I too, learned at 12 how to put a meal on the table. I'm only sixteen now, so I understand how much of a struggle it is.
I didn't mean not to keep the children informed, of course they should know what's going on, how they're father is, and how they can help if old enough. What I meant is don't let the children be a counselor.
I agree, that depending on their age they should help. Whether its cooking, or running an errands if old enough. Even if they just stay home with dad for a while so that CrazyMamaBear is able to get out.
I didn't mean for them to not be in the know, for them to just be clueless about the scenario. Just that, they shouldn't be their mother or father's counselor.
Sorry for any confusion,
Ana
I have to disagree with not talking to the kids.
I have mentioned here several times my Mom died when I was pretty young, 11 years old. NEVER did the family have a discussion as to what was wrong, cancer, how serious it was, very, and what would happen. As an 11 year old (my sister is 2 years younger than I am) I have a very vivid recollection seeing my Mom walk out of the house for the last time..She had a towel over her face and she was vomiting. We went to school that day and she went into the hospital. We could not go see her, children were not allowed in the hospital "way back when". We could stand at a certain point in the parking lot and we could almost see her waving from some window way up high. Was it her?..I will never know...
My Dad got sick a few years later and again never discussed it or what would happen to the two of us. He died 4 years after my Mom.
Very confusing times for my sister and me.
Would things have been easier if things were discussed? Probably.
After my Mom died we did have Grandma living with us but she also was ill. We, Dad, my sister and I took care of her. At least we did the best we could as kids but we learned a lot watching my Dad care for her. We learned compassion, caring for family, we learned a strength that I do not think we would have developed if it were not for the circumstances in our lives during this time.
I learned as a 12 year old how to put a meal on the table between the time I got home and playing out side for a bit.
I learned how to fold a fitted sheet of any size by myself. (You would not believe how many caregivers I had to teach that little skill)
So I stand by the advice to talk to the kids. No matter their age. But yes be aware of the age and what they can handle. They know something is going on. Knowledge is better by far than what we may fear.
Just like a talk about sex ...tell them what they need to know and tell them what they need to know when they need the information.
And if the "kids" are older they should be kept informed.
First off, how are YOU today? Did you take care of yourself today? I hope so.
I am also a fellow caregiver, I take care of my dad. I understand well and fair how lonely it can be. I understand stressful and worrisome.
What the hospital did to you, was not right at all. However, some hospital offer classes. If you still want them, also a quick online search.
Another thing is, I agree with you it is inappropriate to talk to your children, especially since you are taking care of their dad. As someone, who was a parent's counselor - it isn't a good situation for a child to be in. So, please don't do that. However, you should consult in your friends or seek a local support group.
Have you talked to your doctor about your situational depression - see what more they can do fore you.
I hope you are well, please take care of yourself.
Ana
i kept most everything to myself but I do remember being frustrated and my eldest son wanting to be 18 so he could put his father in a home.
Second suggestion: force yourself to take up a craft that you can do at home, and that has an active craft group locally. Ask for advice on how to get started, books to teach you at home, what gear you need, choices that are easy (my personal advice is don’t start on painting, it’s too hard). If you can make the contact, many craft groups have people who are not so house-bound. They may have one or two members who will visit you occasionally to see what you have been doing, and show you their own work. It will be more enjoyable for them and for you than being focussed on the (very real) difficulties you have all the time.
And yes, have something ready if someone says “if there’s anything I can do just let me know”! Best of luck.