I got thrust into caregiving 5 years ago by the convalescent hospital staff. I was scared to care for my husband post stroke; however, the hospital staff assured me they would train me. They missed teaching me everything. I felt worthless and scared. I cry a lot. I got diagnosed as having situational depression. 5 years later, I'm angry, resentful, and lonely as H*LL. It is inappropriate to talk to my kids and my friends all have well spouses so they don't understand. Does anyone relate? I feel so alone!
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Even young children are tuned into emotions, stress, anger, fear. If these are not explained they can be confusing. If the kids are older they should also be included in conversations about what is going on. And you can ask the kids for help even young ones.
You need to find a support group.
Another call you should make is to your husbands doctor and ask for a physical therapist to make a home visit to assess what you can do, what you're doing properly and what needs more instruction.
A few questions for you..
Is your Husband a Vet? The VA may be able to provide support as well.
Does you husband have other medical conditions? Is it possible that he would be eligible for Hospice? You would get support from a CNA as well as a Nurse, social worker and if you need a volunteer that would come in on a regular basis so you can get out for a bit of time by yourself. It is worth a phone call...
If you have EVER had anyone say.."if there is anything I can do let me know"....you need to say something.
People want to help but they don't know what to do unless you tell them,
Next time someone utters those words say..
Ya know I really need a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs next time you are at the store.
I really need someone to talk to would you mind stopping for a cup of coffee Wednesday morning, I have time around 11:00, I need to catch up with whats going on.
I have a Doctors appointment on Thursday at 3, could you sit with Bob for a bit, he loves watching Jeopardy I should be home by the time the News comes on. (Tell people that they would not have to do any direct care, just talk, read the paper, watch TV...)
And if you don't have a Caregiver it is time to hire one. Delegate some of the work. You might only need someone for 2 hours 3 days a week or you might need more but even 2 hours is an immense help.
Another doctor call to make is to your doctor. Make sure your doctor is aware of what is going on, your emotional state and how you are feeling. If you need or even if you don't think you need it as if seeing a Therapist might be helpful. Always good to get the opinion of someone else. No harm or shame in getting a little pharmaceutical help if it is needed. (antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications can help even if the unopened bottle is there "in case you need it" ...{I can tell you I took 2 pills from the bottle and just knowing it was there helped} )
It's me again. I just realized why you feel it is inappropriate to talk to your kids about how you're feeling. You're caring for their Dad and I'm sure they don't want to hear you gripe or complain.
I get it. My youngest son will be 20 on Friday, he absolutely catches an attitude with me if I even make a face or show any signs of impatience with my Mom. He and I can talk about anything openly, from sex to the stars in the sky. But don't say one negative word about his Meema. Lol.
Hang in there!! 💜
My friends don't understand therefore they leave me out of invites because I can not attend them.
What I do to keep my spirits up is get into a hobby. Work out on my Pilates machine because you have to be strong in the mind and body to take care of love ones. I pamper myself by purchasing things like an adjustable bed, one for mother and one for me. Read magazines, take soaking baths. Eat healthier foods by adding more fruit and veggies to my daily meals.
Find your joy...no one can do that for you. If taking care of a love one is the situation you are in at the moment remember...its only for a moment. It may seem like a life time so change your thinking. Stay positive. Wake up and feel good about your day. We all have choices, make yours a good one.
I cared for him here. The others were in facilities.
Although I am no longer caregiving as my mother died from Alzheimer's here at home, I completely relate to what you are going through. There is no cure but there can be momentary relief. These include going to whatever appropriate support groups you can find and with which you can relate. All the ones I know of meet monthly but on different days. Become a regular at a coffee shop and talk to other people. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and get a social worker you can talk to. They do have some mental health services for younger people and this is your mental health on the line.
I have no idea how old you are, but I'm guessing you are young because you say it is not appropriate to talk to your children. If they are adults, I don't understand that because after all they are family, but if they are still children, that could make things seem even more isolating.
And of course you can spend time here and get a lot of support.
Good luck.
by Kari Jobe
When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
Oh, and I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own
You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own
You're my strength
I am recently going through the same issue of feeling lonely which causes severe bouts of depression accompanied with caregiver burn out which often turns into reoccuring episodes of extreme isolation and existential crisis. (interestingly enough, I recently posted a question revolving around this topic.) Generally the way I would normally cope involves tons of smoking American Spirits menthols and listening to hours and hours of music. being outside at night in the dark helps me to sink into something else in a way, something positive and deep. This also influences my creative insight and causes me to start my drawings, write, and read into my books harder. I am also currently looking for an option for school as I am 22 and want the chance to further myself in my life.
Mamabear...I am right there with you. When my honey first had his strokes I had to keep hold of his jacket when we were out or he would have stepped out in front of a car ...like a three year old. After 13 years he is at about age 16-18 (he is 66). At first I grieved the loss (where he could not see or hear it) of the man I fell in love with but steeled myself for the long haul. All went along pretty well even with his heart issues until last November. I began to feel lonely as we could not talk even as we had after his strokes. Everything set him off. By February (after his surgery to replace his defibulator with a combined pacemaker/defibulator) he had become verbally abusive and downright mean. (not physically). I have never felt so alone though he is here at home now. I do not want to be around him as after he threatened me physically while he was rehab it made me wary and not as open. I have learned to put a barrier up though he is not verbally abusive any more...just snarky occasionally. It is hard to battle the loneliness. Coming here to this forum has been my life saver. Today he told me not to make any appointments for his care without his say so... he said he has a say in it. Yes he does, so next time his providers call to make an appointment I am going to hand the phone to him and let him deal with it. Don't think that will work out well with him doing it but oh well...._____ happens. We have no family close and I hesitate to talk to my daughter who has more on her plate than she can handle. When things were at its worst I did clue my honey's brother and SIL (they are like a brother and sister to me too) to what was going on. They try to come up once a month now. But cannot talk to them with honey around as though he swears he has hearing issues, he can hear every word I say even if I am on the other end of the house. Ugh.
Pepsee...great idea on the discussion thread about any and everything. Please let me know when it is started (and I will watch for it).... sounds fun!
*Caregivers Coffee Break*❤️
You may feel lonely, but you're not alone. We have each other!
Let's start a discussion thread about any and everything. We can talk about what we are thinking, feeling and doing. Any random stuff that drops in our heads. Big stuff, little stuff, links to good videos, funny ones, informative ones, silly ones, funny animals, or whatever. Random thoughts, questions about anything, like how to get rid of an opossum in my yard? Grrr......Cooking, hobbies, movies, jokes etc....
I think it will be fun!
* Caregivers Coffee Break*
can they offer some support for you and give you a little time off? have you checked your local aging and adult services to see if they can offer you any help/services?
hopefully you will get more responses keep checking back.
I feel that I am alone, even with her in the house with me. No one to talk with. Neighbors only wave now. Haven't heard from any former co-workers in nearly eight years.
The only person I can talk with is my younger brother 2K miles away and he really isn't much help. Three nephews that I never hear from and a niece I don't want to hear from.
Other than a few videos of Teepa Snow, no training. Always get good grades wishes from the DRs. and nurses, every three to six months.
Just wondering if you may have tried to locate any support groups in your area? Many are or can be very helpful.
Have you ever hired anyone to tend to your LO while you take a day off? Or looked for volunteers in your area that might be available.
This is a rough and usually a thankless job.
I wish you the best .