I don't have children but even after years of caring for an elderly parent, I still find it hard to make all these decisions for care for another person, like chosing the right doctors, dentists, making medicial choices, when to push for certain behaviors and when to let it go etc. I get anxiety and stressed, wondering if I am doing the right thing. I wonder if caregiving comes easier for certain personality types or those with a certain attitude or the reality is that caring for elderly on your own is a really hard job. Do those of you who had children and now care for parents find it the same or harder dealing with the basics?
i do believe though, that if more young people had to caregive for the elderly, we might have less of a population problem!
Raising my son was stressful, but watching my Mom move backwards is harder. I find it strange how we are born not knowing how to take care of ourselves, we grow up and do take care of ourselves, then as we get older, we lose that ability again. There have been times when taking care of my Mom is like taking care of a toddler again, it is heartbreaking
Blessings,
Bridget
I consider myself a born caregiver in life...with my mom this is the hardest thing i have ever done.
One reason that has not been mentioned is caregiver age. I'm a senior now and I get tired more easily. When I was taking care of my son I was much younger and had more energy. Trying to schlep my 92 year old deaf mother around is extremely tiring.
I hope that by my example in caring for my dad, my children will treat me with respect if and when the time comes.
I know that my grandchildren are more compassionate with older folks because of their exposure to their great grandpa. Perhaps one or two of them will take a career path that will lead them to this area and make a difference in the lives of many.
Elderly are just young kids in old bodies. They don't like their situation either. They have dreams still too. I keep a picture of my dad when he was young on display so that i can remember that.
"Getting old isn't for sissies" was told to me by a gentleman with Parkinsons several years ago.
I am glad my dad raised me the way he did and I can be here for him now....even though it is VERY hard. Hang in there!
So, if you are considering having children, I certainly think the joys are greater than caring for an elderly parents. There is no greater joy than caring for your own child.
I hope this helps from a mom with 3 kids in their twenties and a mom who is 84 with Alzheimers and on a feeding tube.
I must say that raising children is a cakewalk compared to caring for elderly parents (I may change that opinion when my children reach the dreaded teenage years, though). Children are a blank slate, you are forming your experiences with them as you go, and they look up to you. For the most part, they do what you say, they argue, of course, but eventually they comply. With your parents, you have years of experience with them already, and there is so much anger, frustration and resentment on both sides. It's very difficult to experience role reversal - your parents still think they know what's best, and they often don't listen. They're dealing with their loss of independence, and you're dealing with it as well. Being a young adult watching my parents deteriorate when they were so recently vital and independent has been difficult. I cannot imagine what they are going through. And I try to keep that in mind when dealing with them - if I'm having a hard time with it, they are having a harder time.
Like others said, it is much harder and more stressful on your health. Children become more and more independent as they grow older. With parents, it's the exact opposite. Not only is it harder physically, buy emotionally as well. Many of us got to watch our children grow into healthy adults, knowing full well they have a long life ahead of them. With our parents, we have to watch as their health deteriorates and deal with knowing they will not be with us forever. It is a horrible feeling to see those who raised and cared for you in such a weak and fragile state.
I know this is an old question so this answer may not mean much anymore, but caring for a parent is tougher.
My twin boys spent their childhood trying to kill each other, so it wasn't that difficult being a father. Michelle, their mother, died when they were 8. They had to learn to become less dependent on me -- self-reliant -- at an early age. Raising them was a labor of love and teamwork I didn't want to escape.
I've always looked at life as a cycle with 4 parts. I took care of my children during the 1st quarter (from birth until they got their Master's at age 25). I cared for my mother for 3 years, during the 3rd cycle (age 50-75). She's spending the 4th in a senior citizens home connected to medical and other services.
When elderly parents become frail and helpless, I assume it's like when babies keep crying in the middle of the night and you have to get up. And when you're the sole caregiver it's even more stressful and exhausting. A good night's sleep becomes a dream.
Some people assume that having raised children prepares you to care for elderly parents. Others assume having cared for parents gives you a head start for when you have children of your own. Well, it does and it doesn't.
Neither children nor elderly parents come with a manual. Both are sort of on-the-job training; you learn as you go. You take what you want from what's out there to get what you need; tweak it, refine it, and make it your own. Our experiences as caregivers might be similar, but I wouldn't want to fill anyone else's shoes in this forum.
As our children grow, we're supposed to grow with them. If we embrace the journey, no matter how difficult, we become wiser and stronger. Of course our love for them makes us do the silliest or hare-brained things, but that's another story. Caring for our parents, on the other hand, tests our love, devotion, and sanity.
Some caregivers are more resilient than others. It's easy to wear masks during caregiving. But whether we wear a teflon mask or a happy face to pretend it's all under control, it's often heartbreaking labor. Particularly when you know the end is near.
Though as my mother always wanted me to know she never wanted to be a burden and I never once had a child in order to have someone to take care of me when I am old (that is not fair nor is it guaranteed for one thing), I do know the love and devotion I had to care for my mother and father gives me hope that someday it will be there for me too just as she was there for her mother and father.
I will say that when I took care of my mother there were times when those in the medical community did not show me respect because I did not have children. I was asked several times either why my husband and I did not have children or why we did not want children. This was asked in our home as we cared for my mother which I felt to be totally rude and a breech of our privacy - we had little privacy to begin with and here people were coming in and out every day and could not respect our privacy as a married couple to decide what was best for our family. Of course, being adults in our early thirties (looking like we were in our early twenties) probably did not help either.
I think both caring for children and parents have their rewards which in my experience have always outweighed the difficulties. I cherish the time I had with my mother and the special time I have had being a mother to my daughter. I was the last person my mother was looking in the eyes as she took her last breath and I was the first person my daughter looked at when she was born and took her first breathes. These were the most precious moments of my life.
Caring for a child brings you joy, most often and a tremendous sense of pride and accomplishment. You share your life with a child in meaningful and positive ways that are not possible with a frail, often demanding aging parent who has a strong personal agenda that you are expected to follow and provide for. Often, you are required to abandon, rather than share your own dreams or interests with an elderly parent, in order to meet their physical and practical demands.
While the reward in knowing that your mother or father are able to carry out their final and frail years under your loving protection is indeed so meaningful, it often comes with a self-sacrifice that feels at times more bittersweet than the sense of accomplishment that comes from nurturing your childs well being and fostering his or her development, independence and future.
It helps if you can hire someone to take over at least one day per week so you can relax, at least one day.
Thankfully, this only happened once and I got the monitor right away and, yes, it takes some getting used to. She coughs and I jump! She gets up to pee and I hear it :-( But she sleeps downstairs and we are upstairs - it is a safety issue.
I agree with Esther123458 - it is hard watching someone come to the end of the road. Nearly impossible to cheer them up :-(