Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elder parent?

Wow, so many people going through and feeling the same things as I am.
My mother is 97 and I am her only child. Only other family in town is her elderly sister.
My mom absolutely refuses to consider any outside help, even though I know for a fact she has the funds for it. I know what's in her accounts, but heaven forbid she part with any of it now. She often says, "When I'm gone, you're going to be rich" or "One day you'll get it all".
After she had a fall, a social worker suggested someone to visit once a week; my mom's answer was, "My daughter will do it".
I am in my 60's and work part-time, so I have the time to do it. But I don't feel I have a life.
Additionally she has some memory issues which means being asked the same question 3 times in the space of 30 minutes.
Add, she's hard of hearing. She has hearing aids, but they haven't been checked or adjusted for a long time. She constantly has to say, "What?", then gets angry when I raise my voice. "I don't need to spend money on hearing aids"

Do I resent her? Yes, often.
I don't have an answer but it's nice to be able to vent without being judged. Other people remember my mother as she was and don't know, because she won't go anywhere, just how frustrating it is to deal with her.
Friends ask how she's doing and I just say, "Oh, she's hanging in there".
If I told the truth and said, "Well, she's a demanding, frustrating, sometimes nasty old lady", I would be seen as a terrible child to those who haven't been through it.

I believe as adult children we should help our parents anyway we can if we are available. We all are only on this earth for a short time and causing arguments between husband and wife over caretaking is sad. I am also in your situation. My husbands mother died a few years ago and she had no one but my husband, myself and our daughter. He did everything he could to help. When her dementia got worse he moved her closer to us. My dear father now has dementia. It is heart breaking to see my mother go through losing her love of her life and best friend. My brother who lives closer helps the majority of the time (everyday) and since I have two chronic illness I am more of a ear to listen and offer help in making phones calls, visiting and being there when I can. I believe we all should help our parents when we can. Once my parents pass away I want to believe and know I did everything I could to help. If you can live with yourself and not help than that is up to you. Someday we all will be in their situation and need help from others. It is always nice to get your families help instead of help from people who only care about making money and have NO compassion.

Janet, are you asking a legal or a moral question? Legally, I am quite sure it is not the responsibility of the children to take care of their elderly parents (unless of course they have POA, and as part, have a financial obligation to do so. However, I think you're asking a moral question. Morally, I would say yes, we do. We are family, and family should look after the young and the old. How we share that responsibility between family members is something we each must decide. However, in my humble opinion, I do believe we need to all share in taking care of our parents, after all, they took care of us, didn't they?

The big sticking point is usually in different interpretations of the words "care" and "help". All too often, the parent's idea of help is far broader than the child's. Help can mean the child shopping for the parent's groceries from a list provided by the parent. Or it can mean taking the parent to four stores to shop as the parent once did. It can mean providing support such as transportation to appointments or it can mean doing whatever (including moving in as the poster's brother in law has) is necessary for the parent to still be at home.

Our generation is being faced with some new dynamics. Grandparents are raising grandchildren, while still working fulltime jobs and providing support for elderly parents. Parents are living into their 90's, being helped by aging kids. We're juggling multiple elderly parents and dealing with our own health issues.

Our parents are basing their expectations of care and help on the past generations, without realizing that what was asked of them by their own parents was vastly different than what is being asked of us today. And so, we are bound to have problems no matter what we do - we run ourselves ragged trying to take care of everyone, or we find ourselves in a stalemate where the parent won't accept outside care and we can't do it all ourselves.

But I must say it makes me a bit nuts to hear this "they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them" with the implied "whatever it takes".

Many thanks to all who have shared their experiences here. I was only able to get my mom to move into assisted living (which she now loves!) with the support of FOUR doctors, several therapists, and rehab staff telling her that she couldn't live by herself anymore. It took four months to convince her, and I spent those four months with her through four hospitalizations and two rehabs. I live in Ohio and she's in Kansas; I work full-time. It was NOT easy to work out. But she finally listened to the doctors and is glad that she did. Those who noted that if we enable many parents and sibs will take advantage of us are absolutely right.

I agree that you should make every effort to end the argument with your husband. I did not mean to imply that fighting with him was a good think, just that I understood that it is a very emotional time for you and your family. You and your husband must get on the same page before sitting down with the rest of the family.

One positive point about your husband's caregiving is that it shows a generous, loving heart. However, do speak to him about setting limits. He has no idea how very very long this can go on. I began caregiving for my mother 18 years ago and it has taken a tremendous toll on my life. It sneaks up on you. You do a little more. The parents needs grow. You have a crisis and come out of it with a little less left of yourself and more demands. I retired early losing income and also needed to buy expensive health insurance. I missed vacations, invitations from friends, meals at home, time with my husband, skipped my own doctors appointments and on and on. Eventually, I realized my marriage was fading, my health was failing and still it was "more, more, more!" When I finally insisted my mother move to assisted living, I got no thanks for the years I allowed her to live as she wished at my expense. I still do a lot for her but am so grateful to have her daily needs provided. I notice the care aids are all 19 to 30 year-old. No one over 40 except an adult child of a needy parent would do this job. By the way, my mother never did a lick of elder care for her folks.

JessieBelle. I never thought of putting a percentage on it as you have. I just did the math and I have been taking care of my mother for 30% of my life and counting. Sad.

I think you are responsible for making sure he is safe and cared for, but that doesn't mean it has to be you. No matter how great the relationship was. Do you expect your children to care for you as you age? Hope not. Give him a choice- accepts outside care in house and pays for it or when he ends up in the hospital he will be discharged to assisted living.

I guess I am in the minority. Yes, it is. When our father and then our mother needed in home support, as a family we covered the time. Granted my parents had 5 children and there were also 4 grown grandchildren in the area. All of us have spouses. Thank goodness that all of them were very supportive. Even our spouses would sometimes come to their house to help out with things that had to be done. It is what my parents wanted. They did not want strangers in their home or taking care of their personal needs. We honored that and all of us are grateful for that time we had with our parents.

No, it's not, it's a choice. There are a lot of factors to consider. Caregiving is a difficult job. Family, time and money are all involved and they are 3 of the most difficult to mix.

Also, your husband and all the other caregivers need to be paid. That includes the brother living there as well. He'd be paying for help if they weren't there, but he has the best employees possible. He has trustworthy, loving and caring people he's already interviewed.

I don't frequent this community much anymore. I posted a rant of sorts regarding my caregiving situation expecting support. Well, just like you, I got blasted by a bunch of condescending, self-righteous, judgmental, angry, bible-banging b!!ches!! No thanks, I've got enough to worry about. They can take their narcissistic guilt trips elsewhere.

None of this is easy. It's a lot of bad stuff when people get sick and die. There's also so much unknown about what to expect, etc., in every facet.

Good luck and best wishes, sweetheart. I hope you can all work together to come to a better situation and soon.

My mother used to say - "It takes seven children to take care of one mother, but only one mother to take care of 7 children" - do what is in your heart which doesn't sound too charitable, because it is only a day here or there and that is what family is about -

This is a very timely thread, as we will be going thru the same situation shortly with ailing in-laws.

"I resent my husband because I don't think it's his responsibility to be his father's caretaker and he does." You sound very selfish. You resent your husband from being a good son and helping out his father now. Do you have any children? I have an extremely selfish brother who does absolutely ZERO to help his parents, spent 2 and a half years making serious false allegations behind my back to Social Services, lawyers etc, and still has not even thanked me for making sure HIS parents are safe and living in an assisted living apartment. My brother hasn't bothered to live in his home country for over 30 years, but he "cares" about his little mommy..... He lives in the USA too, and is deeply disturbed and paranoid.

What do you expect your husband to do? Think "F**k my Dad, tell me when he's dead". His parents looked after him, now he feels he should look after his Dad. You're lucky your husband hasn't told you to "F**k off". He needs your support, not your resentment. It makes me wonder, with your attitude, whether you have other siblings who are running around doing all the hard work whilst you do nothing (and still expect your inheritance).

Spangle, I fail to see how blasting the OP, who came here for advice, accomplishes anything. There's probably more to this story than we know.

OMG!!! This question so hits home with me in SO many ways. I can't tell you how ticked off I get when I tell people that I don't have children and don't plan on having them, and they respond "...but, who's going to take care of you when you get old?"

GRRR! Whomever I decide to PAY... That's who!!! No, it is NOT a child's responsibility to take care of elderly parents, and doing it out of "obligation" only leads to resentment.

As so many others have said here, our parents certainly didn't do it. My grandmother lived until 81 and was still mowing her own lawn until the day she died. Yet, my Dad somehow "expects" me to give up everything and take care of him. Sadly, some of his ailments are due to his own poor health decisions (COPD).

I, too, have had the roller coaster of emotions regarding placing him in a facility. I knew early on that I wasn't cut out for caregiving. I still struggle with setting boundaries and run myself ragged trying to soothe my own guilt.

I SO wish I hadn't started the every weekend thing, as now Dad comes to expect it which means that between visiting him every weekend and working a second job to help cover his AL expenses (he too wants to save his money for our "inheritance"), I haven't had a weekend to myself in over two years...

Sorry about the tangent... It's NOT our responsibility to take care of our parents when they get older, and it's not fair for them to expect it. If there's money available to pay someone to do it, GO FOR IT!!!!

You deserve a life of your own, free of "elder guilt".

There's has to be more to the story i can hardly believe she resents him for spending a couple weekends (sibs should rotate to lighten the load) and taking supper over if i am wrong and she.doesnt want to share.hubby at all holy sh*t she has no clue what will be in store. My husband did not discuss moving gma in he was all too willing to assume I would happily take on the task smh HOWEVER i love this man the father of my beautiful girls and provider for my family he wasn't there for me as he should have been when my father passed (maybe I'm making excuses for him lol) but he was never taught how to comfort others or to truly give of himself for unselfish reasons but he knows I was and his "Grammy" would b well taken care of. My point is yes sometimes I resent the sh*t out of him but this selfish nasty old lady stood by him and made sure he had a chance at life the one he strives to provide my girls and I so even though "this sh*t sucks" I do it I love him and he would give me the world if he could. And his own mother doesn't help btw

Is it me or do some people feel the need to UN-necessarily dump on others who ask a sincere questions. Either the question is in your bailiwick or not they are here asking for help. It is easy to keyboard quarterback people but to fill the questions with UN-necessary language does not help people. If you dont like the subject then please dont answer unless it is constructive. And most of all, vulgar language is not necessary. As my mom used to say, "if you can't say anything nice then don't".

First of all, in my opinion, if your FIL can't take care of himself, he needs assisted living or live-in help. More than anything, it is a safety issue at least. It is undeniably selfish to expect your children to take care of you! Sounds like there are two sons. It's very nice that the one son has moved in to help....but now, being single, he needs to live his life..especially since he has a girlfriend. So, it's unfair to him to have to give up a future and STAY with this arrangement. It's also unfair to ask the other children to give up a weekend of their lives to accommodate saving an inheritance for his grandchildren. Bringing meals, visiting , maybe changing a bed when you are there or even doing the dishes is great...as long as it's done willingly.
Do you think that your FIL could be evaluated someway by a Social Worker who could say or tell you whether he is a harm to himself or could be a harm to himself?
Deep down inside, I would think that...since your husband is the son...that when push comes to shove, you may be the one winding up taking care of your FIL instead. I suppose that you also have elderly parents that will need some kind of assistance in the near future.
Please, take it from one who knows...don't get caught in that "saving it for the grandchildren" copout. He needs the help and should get it, and pay for it.

It seems like your husband, and his siblings. Are going the extra mile for their father. Because, They figured out a way where they are all involved in their father's caretaking, regardless of percentage of time.

Be thankful that they want to.

While I am 50yrs.-old, I live with my elderly mother for various reasons. But when it comes time for her to need more extensive care, physically, medically, and financially. My younger brother, SIL, and their two kids will have to move back to the region. Because I won't be able to do it all. In addition to my mother. There is my father, step-mother, and SIL's parents' also in the region. Except for my step-mother who is in her late-60's, they are all in their late-70's.  All three of my parents' have a hearing aid.  I won't be able to drive any of them to appointments, once they lose their drivers' license.  Only my brother n' SIL will be able to do that. I can't drive.

She didn't just come for advice, she was moaning how she's not getting enough attention from her husband. Her husband is obviously a nice person who is doing his best to help his father. And unless you're in a situation where the caregiving has been dropped on your shoulders by another sibling who does nothing to help (and refuses to even acknowledge this), you don't know what you're talking about. Her FIL wants to save the money for his grandchildren. He sounds like a thoughtful person too, but yes, that money could go towards his care. I wonder what caregiving this woman is giving to her own parents.... and if her husband would be more supportive towards her. I'm guessing he would.

Oi. JanetPH is perfectly entitled to feel sore and angry about a situation that she perceives as unfair, for whatever reason; and we're supposed at least to try to look at things from the forum member's point of view.

If you think she could do better, that's your right too - but you won't encourage her to try by being so bloody rude.

Really? She is resentful over someone who is doing their best to help their father, and he is lucky to have his children to help him. What is she doing to help her parents? I don't really care if you think I am being "bloody rude", as I am up to my neck in parental responsibilities and have a very selfish brother and SIL who do nothing to help. Where does it say we have to look at things from the poster's POV? Are you helping your elderly parents??? This is a forum regarding Elderly care and the issues that arise. Usually, it seems, that some people are doing whatever they can to help their parents, who helped them in the first place, and others who resent it and do nothing. I have seen posts on here suggesting people put secret cameras in their parents houses so they can spy on their siblings who are the caregivers (whilst doing nothing themselves - only in America!!!). If you want to post on a forum about how you resent your husband giving his time to help his father, why should you expect everyone to just agree with you? Unless you're doing nothing yourself and just don't get it.

Spangle, give it a rest. You made your point. 3x.

For God's sake.

Janet obviously came to this specific forum for a reason. Always more to the story than what outsiders know.
I would bet Janet is a very caring and loving person especially since she was seeking help here.

Please don't go away Janet, there are a lot of help for wise and loving people here to help you.

I just had to respond, for the 5th time on any site, to this question. I am one that has given up my lifestyle, job, family to move to another state and take care of my diminishing Mother. The quote implying that "ten children can't..." no, they WON'T! Yes, it is expected, implied, inferred however you want to look upon it, that if they took care of us we are responsible in making every attempt to aid them in their transition. I made a promise to my dying Father 26 years ago that I would make sure that my mother stayed home. I just didn't imagine that my 3 siblings would be "Visitors" in their family home! We do for others and we want God to do for us. When they leave this life, you have to live with yourself. TIRED BUT GLAD/61

By the way, I WASNOT one of my mother's favorite; but that illustrates just how ironic that transition period is. You have to be careful how you treat your children and people, in general. Those who you have mistreated are the ones that you will need in those times.

If Dad has the money to pay for care he should, rather than expect family to do it. As to staying in his home, or continuing to live as he did before when his health is now declining - I don't think children have any obligation to enable that, as long as there are reasonable alternatives that would be safe and affordable. I think Janet is looking at the situation not so much as it is now, but as it is going to develop - "mission creep". And she is reasonable about wanting to plan for what will surely come as FIL ages.

Yes you should care for your parent or make sure they are cared for by someone else. If they need help you should be there for them
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