Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elder parent?

IRichard "By the way, I WAS NOT one of my mother's favorite; but that illustrates just how ironic that transition period is. You have to be careful how you treat your children and people, in general. Those who you have mistreated are the ones that you will need in those times." Very true. My mother was always terrible towards me, opened up her bank account to a "friend", who renaged on a legally binding large loan,but I'm still making sure my parents are living together, as independent as they can be at their age, with as much support as they can get. And it's STILL difficult to live your own life. I don't understand those people on here who say it's someone else's problem and being there for them is "BS". I find that incredibly hard hearted. I wonder what help they're expecting in the future. And just because you think your parents are getting "care", does not mean they are actually getting any "care"!! You need to keep an eye on everything, including their finances.

JanetPH,
Taking on the responsibility to care for a parent is difficult, and I personally feel a parent should not expect their children to do it, if they do not wish to. And, some adult children are simply not emotionally cut out to do it either, and may not have the patience to care for an aging parent.

If your husband wants to be involved in his Dad's care, then you may have to make a compromise to allow him to do so. However, his responsibility as a husband and father should be his first responsibility. I think it would be important for you and your husband to thoroughly discuss what would be involved, and how much time it will divert from your marriage, and your own family responsibilities.

Regarding the fact that your father-in-law doesn't want to pay anyone for care so he can provide more for the grandkids after he passes, isn't exactly fair. What I feel he's overlooking is the fact that long term care is essentially medical care, and if he (like most people) doesn't want to spend the money on it, that should not mean it's your responsibility to participate. Would he expect you to pay for his doctor bills? Probably not, so why should he expect you to provide care?

Some people will 'shame' an adult child if they choose to not become involved in caring for their parent, which I believe is wrong. Some people will also 'shame' the adult child should they think they should get paid for the care they provide to a parent. I struggled with that thought myself until my husband shared what his Mom's doctor stated, "Somebody is going to get paid for providing care!" so in other words if an adult child or other family member wasn't going to do it for free, someone else would be paid.

Hope some of those thoughts are helpful.

Janet - I think it's pretty clear that people have polarizing views on this topic. As you read the responses to your post, discard those that try to guilt and/or shame you into a situation for which you are not prepared. Not everyone has the constitution to be a caregiver. And that is alright. Part of being a wife is helping your husband understand the practicalities and realities of caring for his father. There are consequences to the choices he makes, which is why it is important to get it right. Making an uninformed decision or feeling forced into caregiving by people who are not part of your family or who will not be part of caring for your FIL can have dire consequences for all of you. Good luck.

I can't believe some of the ridiculous comments made. I get everyone has a right to thier opinion, but Good grief?!?! Just put the man in a NH? Someone will end up cleaning up urine?!? Omg, I can't believe the insensitive comments. This man is a older gentleman who now needs family help. We all may end up in a facility one day, but to do it over money, or social security benefits is just insanity. Caregiving is a full time job and not for faint hearted, but you do have to have a heart! I'm just surprised how people's first thought is money. Thier definitely needs to be more services and resources for the aging and sick as well as caregivers. The more help in a situation, the better off everyone is. I take care of my mom by myself. No siblings or other families help at all, and it's hard. But she is my sweet mom and gave me life. The least ICAN do is be here for her in the end and see her thru it. Family should pull together and make the sick feel loved and needed. They don't want tobe burdensome. The fact is, every single one of us will need someone to help us, one day. Some people better hope, in Thier time of need they don't get a huge dose of Thier own offerings. The golden rule will always stand!!! Treat others the way you want to be treated!! Period, plain & simp!E.

DianneKK - It's possible to disagree with someone without insulting them. People are more receptive to your point of view if you speak respectfully and choose your words carefully. Just sayin...

Good luck. Caregiving is an interesting "feeling". I don't think it's the child's responsibility and have set up precautions so my children don't have to. Husband doesn't want me to care for MIL but I feel like I need to. I'm not sure if it's love or obligation in my mind. Also, husband hasn't really taken steps to relieve me of the responsibility. There is a little $ there and the family has been relentless at trying to get their hands on it and I have been bullied into not touching it. (I'm POA) I have on the other hand have been introducing caregiving aids for when I have health issues to address. It's been a long process but I found 2 she really likes, so now the stress is off and I don't feel so "guilty". I think what I'm try to say is. Right or wrong feelings are feelings your husband may quietly resent you for voicing your opinion regarding his father. If you can suggest better ways of caring for the situation it could help you both. I suggest finding a caregiver support group in your area for you both to go to. They will know of all the resources in your area to help (there are really lot out there). Do you and your husband have children? Good luck

CarlaCB - do you have to be so patronising? Really? Why don't you read what she is saying.

Caregiving is a living nightmare especially when you have siblings who don't help and the responsibilities fall on you. but if you truly love the person, you do the best you can to make their final years as comfortable as possible despite the lack of support. It's funny medical science is bending over backward to make people live very long lives but the government is unable to cope with the huge numbers of them. you get no help from them.

Spangle - the advice I gave to DianneKK applies equally to you. Stop insulting people and maybe they will listen to that you have to say.

Back to the original question, which is, this young woman's husband feels that it is his obligation to provide hands on care for his dad when his family tells him that it's his turn to do so.

This is the norm in some cultures and some families. When you marry, one of the things that need checking into are what expectations exist within that structure and how your spouse feels about them. Don't expect that you will be able to change your spouse's attitude towards his/her family.

I don't personally subscribe to this idea. My mom got more and better care in a nursing home than we would have been able to give her.

I have a feeling that in the future people will be willing to go into senior facilities to live. This may be because the boomer generation was more mobile throughout their lives and also knows that senior facilities can be fun for older people. My ex was older than me, so we lived in a senior community in TX. There were always people to be with. Now I'm with my mother and all my neighbors are 20-30s with babies. Talk about boring and lonely for a senior citizen! I would give anything to be back where I had friends.

Things change and people need to change with them. Older people are often afraid of change. They've lived in a house for 60 years and want to die there. Usually the entire community around them has changed, so it's just the physical structure of the house. It can become like an isolated prison where older people live in loneliness. I have a feeling that the boomer generation and those following will downsize sooner and seek the company of people their own age. The only thing that will be a problem is the horrible prices they can charge as soon as someone says "senior" or "retirement."

For me, I want to be around people my own age. It's a lot more fun.

It is sad when there is resentment toward what a family believes in honoring their father by rallying together and taking turns in his care so that he may stay in his home. This is the best care giving scenario I have seen posted on this website. I do not advocate for the question itself, but if there is a way a family wants to come together to keep their elderly parents at home, they should be respected for what the are doing.

With regard to what Labs4me said, I'm inclined to agree that all the grown kids pitching in is an ideal scenario. However, Janet and her kids are also family members, and arguably their claim on his time takes priority over those of his family of origin. After all, Janet is the one he vowed to make a life with, not his siblings or his father. Janet is the one who is raising his children with him. Her sensibilities need to be taken into just as much or more than those of his siblings and father.

JanetPH raises a good point -- whether anyone likes it or not.

FIL has abundant financial resources and live-in care (no cost or low-cost) via adult son bunking with him. Not sure what adult son does for a living, but he certainly has low overhead expenses. One would hope that live-in son is socking away extra money, too.

Live-in son is advancing in a relationship with a woman. Which is totally befitting his age. But his living situation does not allow him adequate adult privacy with his gal. Yes, this is one dilemma.

Now, enter JanetPH's spin-off dilemma. Her hubby (another adult son) is being called upon to facilitate his brother's "booty calls." And hubby sounds quite willing.

Some would say "great." Some would say "not so much." Either way, it doesn't sound like hubby is willing/able to suggest an alternate way to handle this non-emergency.

Perhaps Janet PH is wondering how much less her husband will be available for his own household for future non-emergencies. And real emergencies. (They both often come in multiples.) And/or the VERY likely possibility that BIL is gearing up to spread his wings and move out.

Whose "first commitment" supersedes someone else's? Then what? How much will each of FIL's adult children willingly sacrifice to allow FIL to keep hoarding his $ for his grandchildrens' "legacy"?

And if the bro who currently lives with FIL has no children, perhaps he has grown weary of being the fall guy for a plan that couldn't possibly benefit his offspring -- because he doesn't have any.

I get the impression that Janet PH's hubby and in-laws have not challenged FIL's rigid thinking ....and perhaps are not acknowledging possible ripple effects.

And JanetPH is reviewing all the angles.

That's not treason, folks. That's rational thinking.

DianneKK and many others here:

It would be nice if you kept your nasty and judgmental attitudes to yourselves.

I'm really incredibly sick and tired of people getting blasted at this website. I know longer feel like asking questions around here because it happened to me as well. I still don't have another place to share things and ask questions but you better believe I hesitate if I ever think of coming here. That's what you do to people when you act like this! 

I honestly cannot afford to take care of my mother and go indefinitely with only a partial or no income at all. That ruins my Social Security which wasn't much to begin with, my other finances as well, and it's not so simple.

I wonder if you're the same type of people who have judgments or attitudes against somebody who goes into retirement with no money and needs assistance from the government. Because that's where I would be. Do you want me on the street or under the bridge? I bet you'd kick me when you walk by, and if not that you probably vote for people to not have help.

Why should a professional get paid and not I?

My sister, who has relieved me for eight days in the last year and a half so that I could visit my out-of-state boyfriend, said "it's your mother" but she still had eight days to go on an international trip and my brother went on several. And she doesn't put up with any of the h*ll that I face with my mother. I love my mother desperately, that's why I came here to begin with, but I would like to be a functioning human being as well.

I don't own my own house, I do not expect or hope for an inheritance at all. But I need to get paid to do the work that likely a stranger would be doing if I were not here.

Get and read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud.

I skip over Spangled and DianneKK posts because I am definitely ***not interested*** in what they have to say.

This must be such a difficult time for you all. Every family situation is unique and there is no blanket right or wrong answer. You just have to try to make the best of it, knowing that there will be a time when this difficult transition comes to an end.

When you marry a spouse, you marry his/her immediate family...the good and bad. You don't want your husband to resent you because it's clear he's made his decision. His siblings have made their decision and they may resent you too for trying to go against their father's wishes and their unified decision as siblings.

Can you have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about your concerns on the long-term effects of his caregiving commitment to your marriage? Remind him you are his partner in life and big decisions should be thoughtfully discussed between the both of you.

You've had this fight now for three years with no signs of negotiation for hiring help for your father-in-law? You may have to put your resentment aside for now because your feeling(s) are only affecting your health and not your husband's and his siblings. Obviously feel free to vent your here because we all understand. However, there may have to be a major medical emergency with either the father or one of the siblings for there to be a wake-up call to everyone to regroup and decide it's time to hire extra help for the father.

As for me: I'm an only child with no other relatives to help me with the care of my mother. My father expired years ago. I took care of him, too. My mother doesn't have Alzheimer Dementia; she knows who is everyone and knows where she's at, etc. She suffers from the long-term effects of Vascular Dementia; she's lost her motor skills so she can't verbalize what she needs but her needs are so basic that I know what she wants or what needs to be done. (She also suffers from a slew of other issues). She is fully aware of her decline and this is frightening to her. I can see it her eyes. This is the reason why I won't put her in a nursing home. I want her to know that I'm there for her. I work from home and I also have part-time help come in to give me relief. My solocaregiving is definitely hellish but I'm thankful I have the opportunity do it. I've become a better and stronger person for it. It's not always Mary Poppin's over here. I've had my moments of resentment, too. But it's human to feel all the bad and all the good as life happens.

This is only my third time posting but I'm having difficulty believing some of the responses.
"Yes, you should take care of your parent no matter what". "How dare you not take care of someone who took care of you?", etc.
No.
No one can say what is right for anyone else.
Everyone's circumstances are different and it would be nice if everyone could see that and be supportive.
I would happily take care of someone who is appreciative. But my mother is judgmental (always has been), negative and selfish.
Years ago, before any of the current issues even started, at a family reunion a cousin asked my aunt, "What the h*ll is wrong with (mom's name)?"
Please, everyone, try to be respectful to others on the forum.
Yes, I have come to vent. But as my user-name says, I'm the "only child carer". If you have other family to help with your parent , consider yourself lucky.

I don't think there was enough information in the original post to really decide if the poster was wrong to ask her husband to pull back on care giving. I thought it was great that each child took a turn bringing meals. If my husband needed to spend one night a week over there bringing a meal I would be ok with that. However if it was several times a week I would have a problem.

How many siblings are there? Again if my husband needed to devote one weekend every 5 weeks to his parent I would be ok with that. Now if he needed to be there every other weekend...heck no! Are the poster and husband retired or working full time jobs? If they are both retired then I don't see an issue with devoting some time during the week to the parent. If both work that changes everything.

Every situation is different. I was very upset to see others harshly criticizing the poster for her feelings. Not all of us can be martyrs and give up our life in the care for a parent. Because then we are not prepared to deal with our own decline and will need OUR kids to do the same. I would appreciate some assistance from my kids but I do not want they involved in managing my day to day life. When I am at that point I should hope I will willing go to assisted living. I am certainly in no position to give up my job to care for my father.

The final point is that the elderly person in question does have the means to pay for care but chooses not to. That is the only selfish person I see in the post.

Let me clarify my statement when I stated: I won't put my mother in a nursing home. It's because she's still fully there mentally and isn't combative one bit and is very quiet, actually, until she needs something, like she's hungry or her diaper needs to be changed. However, she's still total 24/7 care because of her slew of other health issues. I can manage it with the assistance of part-time help for now but there may be a time where it gets out way out of control so for the safety of both us - she will go into "the home". Frankly, I'm just hoping she dies before this happens.

Taking care of aging loved one is a very personal and emotional decision. Sometimes there's a lot of background info not revealed by poster as to why he/she will or will not take care of the aging parent/relative. The poster isn't intentionally hiding this information, it's just many of us post here - at our worst, darkest moment - because we're in the thick of it and we just want a place to blow off steam - now - so we go about our day.

I was just thinking of some of the typical things an adult child hears. When they are not providing hands-on care, it is, "A good daughter would keep her parents at home and not one of those dreadful places."

When a person is caregiving in the home, but vents something bad about her parent, it is, "You need to be more respectful of your parent. Honor thy father and thy mother."

Then if the parent is abusing the caregiving child, it is, "It is just they don't feel good. They're old and you need to learn about caregiving older people."

Then finally you get sick and it is, "I don't know why you didn't put them in a nursing home."

This is all written halfway as a joke, but we do hear these things A LOT. I've really come to believe that you can't please anyone but yourself. When it comes to caregiving, almost no one is going to be hapyy with you. None of the above statements really bother me. I still do choke on the "You owe them because they changed your diaper" statement. That is the dumbest statement on record.

Well said Jessiebelle! There's also a difference in taking care of cooperative and/or docile parents vs combative and /or arguing ones. I was around when my folks cared for my grandma who was unable to live alone but she was cooperative and non- combative. ( She still had her mental facilities in tact) When the ill elders are not able to be reasoned with because of their mental issues, it's beyond what a lot of people are capable of dealing with. The " they took care of you" and "honor thy mother and father" doesn't mean you are responsible for hands on care at the expense of your health and life in my opinion. Plus, when we were infants-toddlers, there was joy in watching us develop skills and become more and more independent and we could understand that our parents loved us and were looking out for us on some level. NONE of that is there when you watch your folks lose a little more independence and ability to communicate each day no matter how hard you work to make their lives " better". So for people who continually care for their folks and it works out for all parties, kudos to you. For those of us who endure a daily H*ll, please don't compare apples to oranges. Every situation is unique and everyone's family situation and support system is different.

Most parents really have no earthly idea what stress is caused to their child who is caring for them. If I wasn't in this position, I wouldn't know how hard it is. And probably most parents never cared for their parents because people died earlier back in the day. I know my dad has no idea what this is like for me...I'm sure I make it look easy to him. There are days I'd like to tell him...this is hard!! I'm really stresssed here! He just fell and broke his pelvis and is now in rehab for weeks to come. I'm tired thinking of it. I don't know what the answer is for you and your husband. But this needs to be talked out with a third objective party. There are legitimate feelings on both sides. 
I am saddened that on what should be a support group...some take to shaming, blaming and guilting other people who post here.

Harpcat is on to something here. My mother's parents moved down to Florida when we were kids. My grandmother died suddenly at 81, and my grandfather called my mother to come down to Florida and take care of him. She was retired, divorced, and planning to move to Florida anyway, but to the opposite coast. She said she couldn't move in with him because he had no furniture, only a couch for her to sleep on. (They owned a home and had money, so an extra bedroom set could surely have been arranged without a problem). She said she planned to travel back and forth on weekends between her new home on the Atlantic coast and his home on the gulf coast to clean his house, make his meals, etc. She then said she planned to "arrange" care for him, but not do it personally. End result: he died before she had even started to do any of it. She said she would have taken care of her mother "gladly" because her mother "was wonderful." Maybe she was trying to lead me into the same line of thinking about her. But the bottom line is, she never lifted a finger for either of her parents and she really has no idea what it's about.

Janet: I wish you all the luck in this situation because you are placing yourself in a situation you do not want to be in....you can help and assist your parent and then one day they turn on you....so remember no matter what you do for them...you will pay the ultimate price...it is not worth it...
He has the money he can provide for himself..that is what you should do...this is the best solution for all...let him take the money and spend it on his care...and the two of you continue to live your life...

Janet,by now you have a lot of input to sort through. Although your spouse feels an obligation to care for his parent, maybe he can go to some support groups and or read books about Alzheimer's and what hands on care really means. He can then see that there are many ways to care for ill and aging parents that can still fulfill what a child feels is his obligation. Your family is fortunate in one way because you've stated your father in law has money to pay for care. Your spouse can offer to be the coordinator of either your extended family's assistance or if hired caregivers that come into the home. Your spouse doesn't need his dad to live with you 24/7 but can your hubby can still be an active participant without taking away oodles of time from you and your immediate family. I would meet with all the grandkids, your family, your FIL and your hubby to brainstorm possible scenarios and then you and your hubby pick which would be something that was more of a compromise for your personal situation.

Sorry about the typos. Apparently my phone inserted random words. Ughhh!

lkdrymom, excellent post. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I do believe we have a moral obligation to see that our parents have help if they are destitute. But, not necessarily hands on. Not enabling them to keep their preferred lifestyle. Just basic care (assuming it is possible for us - there are situations where people cannot meet even basic needs of parents through no fault of their own.) So there is NO obligation to keep parents in their home, to provide financially when the parents have financial means to care for themselves. Nobody is anybody else's lawful prey. After all, parents have obligations too - no abusing children whatever their age. And for married people, their families come first, period. So more info is needed here, but I suspect that Janet is concerned where this is going. I don't know the husband or his family, but I have seen families that are very tight, almost as though a spouse marrying a sibling, becomes a sort of "sibling" too. When that occurs the "new family unit" gets sort of subsumed in the family of origin. This can be a wonderful thing, but it sure is not for everyone.

Sooo, "grandpa" wants to leave inheritance to grandkids. That was the EXCUSE my dad used for years!
Family land (in his name), and our little piece connected to his property is in our name...family land was promised years ago to end up in our kids names. It will probably be getting seized by Medicaid since he didn't report that he had property when he first signed up, he did this intentionally.   His beloved Indian arrowhead collection which was huge, is now in the hands of a con artist who bought it at a very cheap price, that too was promised to our kids.  Oh well, just stuff.
 My husband and I have enabled him to keep living however he wanted and sat back and watched and now we are paying for it in many ways.   Now he wants to give his truck away to his help at home "woman" and all of his expensive tools to a "friend".

 I made the decision this week to let it go.

 I love him but I don't like him.

 I have helped him the best I could.

I have reached out to a social worker from the hospital and he is in their hands now. I am emotionally and physically drained but I have also made sure that he will be cared for....it will be just by someone else.
My dad did not plan for his future, he never carried any insurance of any kind, no savings no plans nothing and is still spending what Social Security he does have on outside people that are mooching off of him.  We have been paying for all the extras that he has needed, I'm done.

 
Done cleaning up his messes from years and years of bad choices Pre-stroke!

 Everyone story is different! My husband and I refuse to put our children through this!  
 
I'm sure some people in our little town will think I'm terrible...don't care about that worry anymore either!
More than happy to take off my shoes and let them wear 'em!!!

CarlaCB- Lucky for you, I don't need your advice! But, you may want to take the sweet ladies advice, and actually read what I wrote!!! I didn't insult anyone or call anyone out by name!!!! (Unlike you)
I stand by what I wrote. People worried over cleaning up urine and just throwing people in NH just because, is disgusting. You must not be a true caregiver, to have so much time on your hands to call people out Out for thier opinions. It's a free country! We all have the right to speak our mind. I dont have to be nice or sugarcoat nothing, to get my point across...............Just saying!!😂