Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elder parent?

Since I see my name called out so much, Iwill glady leave this site. I thought we all had a right to our own opinion. I read insensitive comments but I didn't blast anyone's name out. Someone has to be voice for the sick, weak, people who can't care for themselves. I don't pass judgement, just my opinion. We all are caregivers. In different boats, yet on the same journey. If I can't speak my mind without being called vicious or judgemental then thier is no point. Good luck on your journeys. Personally, I'm going through pure hell with a dying mother. With NO support, or this site anymore.

The best way for me to answer this question is to imagine myself in a situation where I no longer could fend for myself and through no choice of my own required help. I hope that if that happens that the people in my life who love me would like to assist in any way that they could. But not out of just a sense of obligation or because "it's the right thing to do" But cause they want to because they love me and I need help.

I think it's when people have this "okay if I have to" attitude that the lines get skewed between need vs. obligation vs. love. I'd hate to feel like I am a burden on anyone and if the person caring for me was gritting their teeth every day and feeling resentful then I can honestly say "don't do me any favors" I'd rather pay someone to do it.

I'm not saying that you should whistle happily while you clean your loved ones nether regions. Obviously not................but try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are helping. If you never liked them, let alone loved them then don't do it. Don't be a martyr. Just my opinion.

Gershun, I think you hit on the answer. A family builds the relationship throughout their lives. Some parents seem to pull their children close to them. When a parent gets old, the children are naturally going to want to take care of them. Other families don't have such close bonds and become estranged. Caregiving can be strained in these families and cause a lot of resentment.

I think a close family will be able to work through caregiving decisions with little trouble. Actually, JanetPh's in-laws may be doing just that -- hard to know without knowing them. If a family is not close, however, it is too late by the time a parent is elderly to try to assemble a close family. That train left the station when the children were young.

I guess we can say that the children are responsible if they want to be, and if the family is close all of the children will want to be there if possible.

Thx Jessie. That's one thing that mystified me about my family. I don't want to sound like a broken record talking about how wonderful my Mom was. But in my eyes, she was truly a saint. She had to sacrifice so much when my Father died and I assumed everyone in the family felt the same way I did about her. We decided as a family to stop buying Christmas presents for each other when we all got older but we all still continued to buy Mom presents. Everyone would always discuss how great she was and what a wonderful Mother she was. But then when she started to decline and push came to shove, where were they all? It wasn't just a betrayal of my Mom but I felt like it was a betrayal of me.

So, you would assume that if someone loves their parents that they would want to take care of them when they need it but we all know what assuming does. I'll never be able to wrap my head around this one. And I certainly won't assume that when I might need them that they will be there for me cause they certainly proved that theory wrong.

I think best case scenario, make your own arrangements, just on the offhand chance that the people who profess to love you decide it's too much to handle when the time comes.

DianeKK you've got my full support. Plenty of a******s on here should be on a NON caregiving site. I hope you stay. Sending love to you and your mother.

Ps. If you want to message me, I'd be more than happy to talk. 

Gershun,
You are absolutely in the right with your answer. Too bad that everyone was not raised this way.
My wife has had als for eight years and I took care of her for the first 5 years but then I had to have help and we as a family decided that we would do it at home. All four of our children pitch in and help out with her care. We have always been a close family and they are all proving it now, and it is out of love and caring not an obligation to them. Some of the grandchildren are also very involved as well. I might add that we are both 85 years old. Thank God for our family.

Thank you itfuzz, it's sad that families don't band together when it's most important. It's been almost 2 and a half years now since Mom died and I still am not over my disappointment in my siblings. My opinion of them is permanently changed, to be honest. I will never count on them for anything ever again. I'm glad I could be there for my Mom when she needed me and I most likely will do the same for my siblings but sadly, I doubt they would do the same for me.

You are right, Gershun. If someone doesn't help with a parent, then we can be sure they won't help with a sibling unless they have a sudden change of heart.

Sad but true JessieBelle..............one can hope!!

I can relate to your concern. I'm going through the same issue with my grandmother.

But you owe it to your husband that he wants to take care of his father. You married for better or worse. When the time comes he passes, you'll want him to take charge then because there may be the possibility of some money due to you both.
I tell my dad and mom both that I'll have to be making these choices for them someday. If you have kids, remember you'll be expecting them to take care of you someday.

This is really a loaded question, with no good answer.

Let's keep in mind that not everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Many of us were born into dysfunctional, abusive families. Caring for the parents who caused you misery, pain and severe emotional/physical trauma for most of your life may not be high on the list for some of us. I cared for my parents in their final years because it needed to be done, and because I had compassion for them as human beings - not because I wanted to do it.

And on the topic of expecting my kids to take care of me someday -- that's not going to happen. I am setting a plan in place that will take care of my needs, up to and including placement in a nursing home when the time comes. But it won't be my kids in charge of the arrangements. My children will not be my caregivers.

Dear Susan,

Thank you for your perspective. I have been thinking about this more and more since my father passed. And now with my mom, I wonder what path my siblings and I will take. I still help where I can but like you said the past does make a difference.

As for myself, I'm like you and I am making plans and hopefully that will alleviate any burden to my family.

The simple answer to this "simple" question: no. No child is responsible for their parents. We are responsible only for ourselves, thus we have a duty to ourselves, our families, and society to plan ahead. I would never tell my family they're responsible for me and so I'm planning ahead for me.

I acknowledge there are cultural differences and national traditions for children for parental/elderly care. When there aren't those cultural norms in place, for a parent to just flick a hand and state, "my kids will care for me" without a consideration for the kids' lives and their needs and personal situation is bluntly lazy, selfish, and domineering.

That said, many of us choose to put our lives on hold to care for our parents. Our reasons for doing so are varied: duty, caring, compassion, and love. However, there are many children who care for their parents because there's just no choice such as lack of resources or the mental abuse by the parents that compels the adult child to submit.

lkdrymom, you were the first to hit the nail on the head. It is the FIL who is being selfish here, not anyone else. One only wants to leave an "inheritance" to the grandchildren for selfish reasons, so that they think well of him. Those of you who have brought up boundaries are also right on target. The FIL continues to demand his way because he has been allowed to do so. That is tyranny.

Teri4077, So well said!

I think that if you want to take care of your elderly parents, then that is nice; but I do not think grown children owe their parents anything, much less providing care for them. Children, do not ask to be born. It is the women and sometimes men that decide to produce offspring and should be aware when they do this, that their children are not obligated to help them; when they get sick and can no longer take care of themselves. In China, children are obligated for emotional and physical care of their elderly parents and I think that is messed up.

In China, with the one child per couple rule they had for almost 40 years, now they are realizing what a mistake that has been. There are multi-million more single men than single women [girls were aborted], so millions of men never get a chance to get married and have their own children [the one child rule has been changed if the couple had a baby girl, they could try for a second child, hopefully a son... or if the parent is an only child, the couple can have two children].

There were cases where the only child had died as a young adult, thus his/her parents were left without family care. No one had siblings to help out. Even the parents didn't have siblings except maybe one cousin.

freqflyer: Wow, that is shocking and something I did not know. Thank you for sharing.

Adding to what freqflyer said is the minimal/nonexistent status of pensions or SS equivalents for most people in China. Children were expected to provide this support, as part of the filial piety custom. So the only child was tasked with saving enough money during her/his working life to support the parents in old age, and then (or at the same time) providing the physical care for the aging parents. Whole life a sacrifice. With only the hope that someone would be around to do the same for you.

Thank you, CarlaCB.

Thank goodness we are not China. I think children should make sure their parents are safe and cared for, whether they do the caregiving or find them care is individual

For a vivid example of the East-West culture clash, check out the documentary Daughter of Danang from 2002. It follows a woman who was fathered by an American GI in Vietnam and later given up for adoption and raised in the U.S. In her 30's she decides to return to Viet Nam to seek out her birth mother and extended family. Happily, they all welcome her with open arms. Unhappily, they seem to view her as the rich American relative who will lift them out of poverty.
Her half-brother sits her down and says "You've been away all these years; it is now your turn to assume the filial responsibility for the support of our mother." She was offered the option of taking the mother back to America to live with her or sending money every month for support. She left Viet Nam heartbroken, and eventually cut off all connection with her Vietnamese relatives because all the letters contained requests for money.

As many have stated, it is one thing when the elderly person has a good mind and is cooperative and appreciative. It is quite another when he or she can barely get up and down or is downright MEAN and combative. My mom cared for my grandmother for several years and things were pretty good, but then my grandmother had a series of falls and injuries. For 2 years my mom and dad took turns spending nights on my grandmother's couch so she would not have to move out of her trailer. She would moan and scream ALL NIGHT, constantly wanting to get up to pee, then go sit in her chair, then go back to bed. The loop was almost hourly. I've told my parents as long as they are able to walk with a walker and get themselves up and down and are not combative, my sisters and I will be able to help them. If they develop bad dementia, or become invalids, none of us has the ability to leave our spouses and move into their (hoarding junk filled home) and do any pulling and lifting. We all have BAD BACKS.

It will be AL or SNF at that point. As of this writing, both my parents are still able to walk and still have all their marbles. My dad, however, thinks he is getting mild dementia as he has trouble remembering names.

Before you judge everyone who puts a parent into AL or a SNF-

Someone else commented here about "cleaning up a little urine." Yes, that is easy enough. But do a search on this website and you will read MANY horror stories about dementia patients and their obsession with feces, pulling it out of their diapers, smearing it all over themselves and the house, using the furniture as a toilet, etc. Now imagine dealing with that multiple times EVERY DAY.

Or imagine the father who has severe dementia, but still is able to get around just fine and is pretty strong. Imagine him sun-downing every evening and punching and kicking anyone who tries to stop him from leaving the house.

I read a comment on this website from a social worker who went to check on an elderly woman and rang the doorbell multiple times. Finally a very slow moving, 80-ish, stooped woman using a walker answered the door and said, "Sorry it took me so long to get to the door. I was giving Mother a bath!"

CarlaCB, I'm going to check into that documentary you mention.

Xenajada: "I read a comment on this website from a social worker who went to check on an elderly woman and rang the doorbell multiple times. Finally a very slow moving, 80-ish, stooped woman using a walker answered the door and said, 'Sorry it took me so long to get to the door. I was giving Mother a bath!'"

W O W. This whole scenario is just going to get worse and worse, as everyone is iiving longer and longer.

"W O W. This whole scenario is just going to get worse and worse, as everyone is iiving longer and longer. "

Yes it is. On the flip side, I do know of people who have an elderly relative living with them and it is working fine. I know some folks who have an elderly mother (70-ish) living in their lovely basement apartment overlooking a pond. The mother is still a decent driver and is frequently out with her friends doing charity work. She is widowed and did not want to live alone and continue maintaining their large house.

I know another couple who have an elderly mother living with them and they are doing fine. The mother is able to get around with a walker and her mind is still good. She is a pleasant person. I think she helps do things like food prep and folding laundry.

It’s obvious that many of you are more interested in money and selfishness than your older parent. They took care of you so why can’t you care for them. Where are the Christians. Maybe you need to read the Bible on this subject ☹️

I "liked" your answer by accident. Sorry!

People here are talking about impossible conditions, such as parents who have always been abusive -- who never did take care of the children. Or, people have their own health issues, and are simply not physically capable of providing total care for a loved one. Just a couple of examples of what people must contend with.

Janet, I feel for you so much. I ended up in a situation where I became a caretaker for both of my parents and also did not want that responsibility. My father became ill first, and it was a very tough time being his caregiver, because we had a very troubled past. He had been abusive to both my mother and I, and at first I refused to help. But seeing my dad in that fragile state and my poor mom trying to take care of him (she has Parkinson's), gave me compassion for them.  My mom was able to stay in her home for a year and a half after his passing, and I was caretaker for her during that time.  I came over every day and took her to the store, managed her meds, cleaned, cooked, etc.  Then her dementia and Parkinson's became so bad that she moved to memory care.

I still feel resentful in some ways. Years have gone by since I've had a vacation. I feel like life has been on pause for the past six years. I've had to quit my job, pay for their expenses out of pocket, and my own personal life and health has suffered greatly.

So I see both sides to your post.  Believe me, what I would give to have a single family member (it's not that they don't care, I just don't have any!) to have helped me through all of the doctor's appointments, meals, cleaning, toenail clipping, etc. It falling on one person is just too much, really. But your husband might have great compassion and love for his father. I would have never guessed that my father, who I felt actually hated me, would turn into a gentle (yet grumpy) giant who needed help like a child would. In my heart, I felt I should help him. And even with the setbacks it caused in my own life, I am glad I did it. I held his hand when he passed. I have no regrets about helping him. So if your husband is adamant about helping his father and actually really wants to, maybe you could compromise with him? Also, if he has supplemental insurance for medicare or medicare replacement plans, they sometimes will offer an aide to come in for free or a nominal fee. I was never able to use that feature because my dad and mom also refused help. Janet, I feel for you. You are not alone. Please keep us updated.

PattyWatson - the thing is that all of us are God's children and no one, no one at all, is anyone else's lawful prey to be abused. As a Christian I believe we do have moral responsibility to care for our parents BUT this is not the same as allowing ourselves or anyone else to be abused. Yes to seeing parent is fed, housed and has basic medical care. In other words, if they are destitute, you must help if you possibly can, or get public assistance. But, keeping them in their homes because they prefer it? NO. Basic needs, but not preferences. If they cannot stay in their homes without help, then they pay for help, or move to independent or assisted living. No reason why children should wreck their health/sanity trying to cater to preferences. In other words, parents do not have the right to abuse their children and they do not suddenly acquire it by being old. Love is about mutuality, mutual respect and caring. In each case, make decisions about what will work best for all involved parties. Parent is not "emperor of the world." That attitude is not Christian.

PattyWatson forgets that not everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Many of us were abused, neglected, abandoned by our parents - and still returned to care for them because we had human compassion for them. It wasn't done out of love, but out of a sense of duty and compassion for another human being, regardless of how they treated us.

Patty - my father sexually abused me and my siblings from birth onwards, until I told my mother what was happening when I was 10 years old. My mother made us stay together as a family and pretend nothing ever happened, which was like being abused all over again. We were forced to act like we had the perfect American family pretty much until the day he died. I moved in to become my mother's 24/7 caregiver just before he passed away. I was her caregiver until she died a few years later.

Please stop and think before you post. Your words are hurtful and unnecessarily harsh towards those who have sacrificed a LOT to care for the parents who caused them pain and suffering - something many people would never even consider doing.