Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elder parent?

For a vivid example of the East-West culture clash, check out the documentary Daughter of Danang from 2002. It follows a woman who was fathered by an American GI in Vietnam and later given up for adoption and raised in the U.S. In her 30's she decides to return to Viet Nam to seek out her birth mother and extended family. Happily, they all welcome her with open arms. Unhappily, they seem to view her as the rich American relative who will lift them out of poverty.
Her half-brother sits her down and says "You've been away all these years; it is now your turn to assume the filial responsibility for the support of our mother." She was offered the option of taking the mother back to America to live with her or sending money every month for support. She left Viet Nam heartbroken, and eventually cut off all connection with her Vietnamese relatives because all the letters contained requests for money.

Thank goodness we are not China. I think children should make sure their parents are safe and cared for, whether they do the caregiving or find them care is individual

Thank you, CarlaCB.

Adding to what freqflyer said is the minimal/nonexistent status of pensions or SS equivalents for most people in China. Children were expected to provide this support, as part of the filial piety custom. So the only child was tasked with saving enough money during her/his working life to support the parents in old age, and then (or at the same time) providing the physical care for the aging parents. Whole life a sacrifice. With only the hope that someone would be around to do the same for you.

freqflyer: Wow, that is shocking and something I did not know. Thank you for sharing.

In China, with the one child per couple rule they had for almost 40 years, now they are realizing what a mistake that has been. There are multi-million more single men than single women [girls were aborted], so millions of men never get a chance to get married and have their own children [the one child rule has been changed if the couple had a baby girl, they could try for a second child, hopefully a son... or if the parent is an only child, the couple can have two children].

There were cases where the only child had died as a young adult, thus his/her parents were left without family care. No one had siblings to help out. Even the parents didn't have siblings except maybe one cousin.

I think that if you want to take care of your elderly parents, then that is nice; but I do not think grown children owe their parents anything, much less providing care for them. Children, do not ask to be born. It is the women and sometimes men that decide to produce offspring and should be aware when they do this, that their children are not obligated to help them; when they get sick and can no longer take care of themselves. In China, children are obligated for emotional and physical care of their elderly parents and I think that is messed up.

Teri4077, So well said!

lkdrymom, you were the first to hit the nail on the head. It is the FIL who is being selfish here, not anyone else. One only wants to leave an "inheritance" to the grandchildren for selfish reasons, so that they think well of him. Those of you who have brought up boundaries are also right on target. The FIL continues to demand his way because he has been allowed to do so. That is tyranny.

The simple answer to this "simple" question: no. No child is responsible for their parents. We are responsible only for ourselves, thus we have a duty to ourselves, our families, and society to plan ahead. I would never tell my family they're responsible for me and so I'm planning ahead for me.

I acknowledge there are cultural differences and national traditions for children for parental/elderly care. When there aren't those cultural norms in place, for a parent to just flick a hand and state, "my kids will care for me" without a consideration for the kids' lives and their needs and personal situation is bluntly lazy, selfish, and domineering.

That said, many of us choose to put our lives on hold to care for our parents. Our reasons for doing so are varied: duty, caring, compassion, and love. However, there are many children who care for their parents because there's just no choice such as lack of resources or the mental abuse by the parents that compels the adult child to submit.

Dear Susan,

Thank you for your perspective. I have been thinking about this more and more since my father passed. And now with my mom, I wonder what path my siblings and I will take. I still help where I can but like you said the past does make a difference.

As for myself, I'm like you and I am making plans and hopefully that will alleviate any burden to my family.

This is really a loaded question, with no good answer.

Let's keep in mind that not everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Many of us were born into dysfunctional, abusive families. Caring for the parents who caused you misery, pain and severe emotional/physical trauma for most of your life may not be high on the list for some of us. I cared for my parents in their final years because it needed to be done, and because I had compassion for them as human beings - not because I wanted to do it.

And on the topic of expecting my kids to take care of me someday -- that's not going to happen. I am setting a plan in place that will take care of my needs, up to and including placement in a nursing home when the time comes. But it won't be my kids in charge of the arrangements. My children will not be my caregivers.

I can relate to your concern. I'm going through the same issue with my grandmother.

But you owe it to your husband that he wants to take care of his father. You married for better or worse. When the time comes he passes, you'll want him to take charge then because there may be the possibility of some money due to you both.
I tell my dad and mom both that I'll have to be making these choices for them someday. If you have kids, remember you'll be expecting them to take care of you someday.

Sad but true JessieBelle..............one can hope!!

You are right, Gershun. If someone doesn't help with a parent, then we can be sure they won't help with a sibling unless they have a sudden change of heart.

Thank you itfuzz, it's sad that families don't band together when it's most important. It's been almost 2 and a half years now since Mom died and I still am not over my disappointment in my siblings. My opinion of them is permanently changed, to be honest. I will never count on them for anything ever again. I'm glad I could be there for my Mom when she needed me and I most likely will do the same for my siblings but sadly, I doubt they would do the same for me.

Gershun,
You are absolutely in the right with your answer. Too bad that everyone was not raised this way.
My wife has had als for eight years and I took care of her for the first 5 years but then I had to have help and we as a family decided that we would do it at home. All four of our children pitch in and help out with her care. We have always been a close family and they are all proving it now, and it is out of love and caring not an obligation to them. Some of the grandchildren are also very involved as well. I might add that we are both 85 years old. Thank God for our family.

DianeKK you've got my full support. Plenty of a******s on here should be on a NON caregiving site. I hope you stay. Sending love to you and your mother.

Ps. If you want to message me, I'd be more than happy to talk. 

Thx Jessie. That's one thing that mystified me about my family. I don't want to sound like a broken record talking about how wonderful my Mom was. But in my eyes, she was truly a saint. She had to sacrifice so much when my Father died and I assumed everyone in the family felt the same way I did about her. We decided as a family to stop buying Christmas presents for each other when we all got older but we all still continued to buy Mom presents. Everyone would always discuss how great she was and what a wonderful Mother she was. But then when she started to decline and push came to shove, where were they all? It wasn't just a betrayal of my Mom but I felt like it was a betrayal of me.

So, you would assume that if someone loves their parents that they would want to take care of them when they need it but we all know what assuming does. I'll never be able to wrap my head around this one. And I certainly won't assume that when I might need them that they will be there for me cause they certainly proved that theory wrong.

I think best case scenario, make your own arrangements, just on the offhand chance that the people who profess to love you decide it's too much to handle when the time comes.

Gershun, I think you hit on the answer. A family builds the relationship throughout their lives. Some parents seem to pull their children close to them. When a parent gets old, the children are naturally going to want to take care of them. Other families don't have such close bonds and become estranged. Caregiving can be strained in these families and cause a lot of resentment.

I think a close family will be able to work through caregiving decisions with little trouble. Actually, JanetPh's in-laws may be doing just that -- hard to know without knowing them. If a family is not close, however, it is too late by the time a parent is elderly to try to assemble a close family. That train left the station when the children were young.

I guess we can say that the children are responsible if they want to be, and if the family is close all of the children will want to be there if possible.

The best way for me to answer this question is to imagine myself in a situation where I no longer could fend for myself and through no choice of my own required help. I hope that if that happens that the people in my life who love me would like to assist in any way that they could. But not out of just a sense of obligation or because "it's the right thing to do" But cause they want to because they love me and I need help.

I think it's when people have this "okay if I have to" attitude that the lines get skewed between need vs. obligation vs. love. I'd hate to feel like I am a burden on anyone and if the person caring for me was gritting their teeth every day and feeling resentful then I can honestly say "don't do me any favors" I'd rather pay someone to do it.

I'm not saying that you should whistle happily while you clean your loved ones nether regions. Obviously not................but try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are helping. If you never liked them, let alone loved them then don't do it. Don't be a martyr. Just my opinion.

Since I see my name called out so much, Iwill glady leave this site. I thought we all had a right to our own opinion. I read insensitive comments but I didn't blast anyone's name out. Someone has to be voice for the sick, weak, people who can't care for themselves. I don't pass judgement, just my opinion. We all are caregivers. In different boats, yet on the same journey. If I can't speak my mind without being called vicious or judgemental then thier is no point. Good luck on your journeys. Personally, I'm going through pure hell with a dying mother. With NO support, or this site anymore.

CarlaCB- Lucky for you, I don't need your advice! But, you may want to take the sweet ladies advice, and actually read what I wrote!!! I didn't insult anyone or call anyone out by name!!!! (Unlike you)
I stand by what I wrote. People worried over cleaning up urine and just throwing people in NH just because, is disgusting. You must not be a true caregiver, to have so much time on your hands to call people out Out for thier opinions. It's a free country! We all have the right to speak our mind. I dont have to be nice or sugarcoat nothing, to get my point across...............Just saying!!😂

Sooo, "grandpa" wants to leave inheritance to grandkids. That was the EXCUSE my dad used for years!
Family land (in his name), and our little piece connected to his property is in our name...family land was promised years ago to end up in our kids names. It will probably be getting seized by Medicaid since he didn't report that he had property when he first signed up, he did this intentionally.   His beloved Indian arrowhead collection which was huge, is now in the hands of a con artist who bought it at a very cheap price, that too was promised to our kids.  Oh well, just stuff.
 My husband and I have enabled him to keep living however he wanted and sat back and watched and now we are paying for it in many ways.   Now he wants to give his truck away to his help at home "woman" and all of his expensive tools to a "friend".

 I made the decision this week to let it go.

 I love him but I don't like him.

 I have helped him the best I could.

I have reached out to a social worker from the hospital and he is in their hands now. I am emotionally and physically drained but I have also made sure that he will be cared for....it will be just by someone else.
My dad did not plan for his future, he never carried any insurance of any kind, no savings no plans nothing and is still spending what Social Security he does have on outside people that are mooching off of him.  We have been paying for all the extras that he has needed, I'm done.

 
Done cleaning up his messes from years and years of bad choices Pre-stroke!

 Everyone story is different! My husband and I refuse to put our children through this!  
 
I'm sure some people in our little town will think I'm terrible...don't care about that worry anymore either!
More than happy to take off my shoes and let them wear 'em!!!

lkdrymom, excellent post. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I do believe we have a moral obligation to see that our parents have help if they are destitute. But, not necessarily hands on. Not enabling them to keep their preferred lifestyle. Just basic care (assuming it is possible for us - there are situations where people cannot meet even basic needs of parents through no fault of their own.) So there is NO obligation to keep parents in their home, to provide financially when the parents have financial means to care for themselves. Nobody is anybody else's lawful prey. After all, parents have obligations too - no abusing children whatever their age. And for married people, their families come first, period. So more info is needed here, but I suspect that Janet is concerned where this is going. I don't know the husband or his family, but I have seen families that are very tight, almost as though a spouse marrying a sibling, becomes a sort of "sibling" too. When that occurs the "new family unit" gets sort of subsumed in the family of origin. This can be a wonderful thing, but it sure is not for everyone.

Sorry about the typos. Apparently my phone inserted random words. Ughhh!

Janet,by now you have a lot of input to sort through. Although your spouse feels an obligation to care for his parent, maybe he can go to some support groups and or read books about Alzheimer's and what hands on care really means. He can then see that there are many ways to care for ill and aging parents that can still fulfill what a child feels is his obligation. Your family is fortunate in one way because you've stated your father in law has money to pay for care. Your spouse can offer to be the coordinator of either your extended family's assistance or if hired caregivers that come into the home. Your spouse doesn't need his dad to live with you 24/7 but can your hubby can still be an active participant without taking away oodles of time from you and your immediate family. I would meet with all the grandkids, your family, your FIL and your hubby to brainstorm possible scenarios and then you and your hubby pick which would be something that was more of a compromise for your personal situation.

Janet: I wish you all the luck in this situation because you are placing yourself in a situation you do not want to be in....you can help and assist your parent and then one day they turn on you....so remember no matter what you do for them...you will pay the ultimate price...it is not worth it...
He has the money he can provide for himself..that is what you should do...this is the best solution for all...let him take the money and spend it on his care...and the two of you continue to live your life...

Harpcat is on to something here. My mother's parents moved down to Florida when we were kids. My grandmother died suddenly at 81, and my grandfather called my mother to come down to Florida and take care of him. She was retired, divorced, and planning to move to Florida anyway, but to the opposite coast. She said she couldn't move in with him because he had no furniture, only a couch for her to sleep on. (They owned a home and had money, so an extra bedroom set could surely have been arranged without a problem). She said she planned to travel back and forth on weekends between her new home on the Atlantic coast and his home on the gulf coast to clean his house, make his meals, etc. She then said she planned to "arrange" care for him, but not do it personally. End result: he died before she had even started to do any of it. She said she would have taken care of her mother "gladly" because her mother "was wonderful." Maybe she was trying to lead me into the same line of thinking about her. But the bottom line is, she never lifted a finger for either of her parents and she really has no idea what it's about.

Most parents really have no earthly idea what stress is caused to their child who is caring for them. If I wasn't in this position, I wouldn't know how hard it is. And probably most parents never cared for their parents because people died earlier back in the day. I know my dad has no idea what this is like for me...I'm sure I make it look easy to him. There are days I'd like to tell him...this is hard!! I'm really stresssed here! He just fell and broke his pelvis and is now in rehab for weeks to come. I'm tired thinking of it. I don't know what the answer is for you and your husband. But this needs to be talked out with a third objective party. There are legitimate feelings on both sides. 
I am saddened that on what should be a support group...some take to shaming, blaming and guilting other people who post here.