Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elder parent?

Oi. JanetPH is perfectly entitled to feel sore and angry about a situation that she perceives as unfair, for whatever reason; and we're supposed at least to try to look at things from the forum member's point of view.

If you think she could do better, that's your right too - but you won't encourage her to try by being so bloody rude.

She didn't just come for advice, she was moaning how she's not getting enough attention from her husband. Her husband is obviously a nice person who is doing his best to help his father. And unless you're in a situation where the caregiving has been dropped on your shoulders by another sibling who does nothing to help (and refuses to even acknowledge this), you don't know what you're talking about. Her FIL wants to save the money for his grandchildren. He sounds like a thoughtful person too, but yes, that money could go towards his care. I wonder what caregiving this woman is giving to her own parents.... and if her husband would be more supportive towards her. I'm guessing he would.

It seems like your husband, and his siblings. Are going the extra mile for their father. Because, They figured out a way where they are all involved in their father's caretaking, regardless of percentage of time.

Be thankful that they want to.

While I am 50yrs.-old, I live with my elderly mother for various reasons. But when it comes time for her to need more extensive care, physically, medically, and financially. My younger brother, SIL, and their two kids will have to move back to the region. Because I won't be able to do it all. In addition to my mother. There is my father, step-mother, and SIL's parents' also in the region. Except for my step-mother who is in her late-60's, they are all in their late-70's.  All three of my parents' have a hearing aid.  I won't be able to drive any of them to appointments, once they lose their drivers' license.  Only my brother n' SIL will be able to do that. I can't drive.

First of all, in my opinion, if your FIL can't take care of himself, he needs assisted living or live-in help. More than anything, it is a safety issue at least. It is undeniably selfish to expect your children to take care of you! Sounds like there are two sons. It's very nice that the one son has moved in to help....but now, being single, he needs to live his life..especially since he has a girlfriend. So, it's unfair to him to have to give up a future and STAY with this arrangement. It's also unfair to ask the other children to give up a weekend of their lives to accommodate saving an inheritance for his grandchildren. Bringing meals, visiting , maybe changing a bed when you are there or even doing the dishes is great...as long as it's done willingly.
Do you think that your FIL could be evaluated someway by a Social Worker who could say or tell you whether he is a harm to himself or could be a harm to himself?
Deep down inside, I would think that...since your husband is the son...that when push comes to shove, you may be the one winding up taking care of your FIL instead. I suppose that you also have elderly parents that will need some kind of assistance in the near future.
Please, take it from one who knows...don't get caught in that "saving it for the grandchildren" copout. He needs the help and should get it, and pay for it.

Is it me or do some people feel the need to UN-necessarily dump on others who ask a sincere questions. Either the question is in your bailiwick or not they are here asking for help. It is easy to keyboard quarterback people but to fill the questions with UN-necessary language does not help people. If you dont like the subject then please dont answer unless it is constructive. And most of all, vulgar language is not necessary. As my mom used to say, "if you can't say anything nice then don't".

There's has to be more to the story i can hardly believe she resents him for spending a couple weekends (sibs should rotate to lighten the load) and taking supper over if i am wrong and she.doesnt want to share.hubby at all holy sh*t she has no clue what will be in store. My husband did not discuss moving gma in he was all too willing to assume I would happily take on the task smh HOWEVER i love this man the father of my beautiful girls and provider for my family he wasn't there for me as he should have been when my father passed (maybe I'm making excuses for him lol) but he was never taught how to comfort others or to truly give of himself for unselfish reasons but he knows I was and his "Grammy" would b well taken care of. My point is yes sometimes I resent the sh*t out of him but this selfish nasty old lady stood by him and made sure he had a chance at life the one he strives to provide my girls and I so even though "this sh*t sucks" I do it I love him and he would give me the world if he could. And his own mother doesn't help btw

OMG!!! This question so hits home with me in SO many ways. I can't tell you how ticked off I get when I tell people that I don't have children and don't plan on having them, and they respond "...but, who's going to take care of you when you get old?"

GRRR! Whomever I decide to PAY... That's who!!! No, it is NOT a child's responsibility to take care of elderly parents, and doing it out of "obligation" only leads to resentment.

As so many others have said here, our parents certainly didn't do it. My grandmother lived until 81 and was still mowing her own lawn until the day she died. Yet, my Dad somehow "expects" me to give up everything and take care of him. Sadly, some of his ailments are due to his own poor health decisions (COPD).

I, too, have had the roller coaster of emotions regarding placing him in a facility. I knew early on that I wasn't cut out for caregiving. I still struggle with setting boundaries and run myself ragged trying to soothe my own guilt.

I SO wish I hadn't started the every weekend thing, as now Dad comes to expect it which means that between visiting him every weekend and working a second job to help cover his AL expenses (he too wants to save his money for our "inheritance"), I haven't had a weekend to myself in over two years...

Sorry about the tangent... It's NOT our responsibility to take care of our parents when they get older, and it's not fair for them to expect it. If there's money available to pay someone to do it, GO FOR IT!!!!

You deserve a life of your own, free of "elder guilt".

Spangle, I fail to see how blasting the OP, who came here for advice, accomplishes anything. There's probably more to this story than we know.

"I resent my husband because I don't think it's his responsibility to be his father's caretaker and he does." You sound very selfish. You resent your husband from being a good son and helping out his father now. Do you have any children? I have an extremely selfish brother who does absolutely ZERO to help his parents, spent 2 and a half years making serious false allegations behind my back to Social Services, lawyers etc, and still has not even thanked me for making sure HIS parents are safe and living in an assisted living apartment. My brother hasn't bothered to live in his home country for over 30 years, but he "cares" about his little mommy..... He lives in the USA too, and is deeply disturbed and paranoid.

What do you expect your husband to do? Think "F**k my Dad, tell me when he's dead". His parents looked after him, now he feels he should look after his Dad. You're lucky your husband hasn't told you to "F**k off". He needs your support, not your resentment. It makes me wonder, with your attitude, whether you have other siblings who are running around doing all the hard work whilst you do nothing (and still expect your inheritance).

This is a very timely thread, as we will be going thru the same situation shortly with ailing in-laws.

My mother used to say - "It takes seven children to take care of one mother, but only one mother to take care of 7 children" - do what is in your heart which doesn't sound too charitable, because it is only a day here or there and that is what family is about -

No, it's not, it's a choice. There are a lot of factors to consider. Caregiving is a difficult job. Family, time and money are all involved and they are 3 of the most difficult to mix.

Also, your husband and all the other caregivers need to be paid. That includes the brother living there as well. He'd be paying for help if they weren't there, but he has the best employees possible. He has trustworthy, loving and caring people he's already interviewed.

I don't frequent this community much anymore. I posted a rant of sorts regarding my caregiving situation expecting support. Well, just like you, I got blasted by a bunch of condescending, self-righteous, judgmental, angry, bible-banging b!!ches!! No thanks, I've got enough to worry about. They can take their narcissistic guilt trips elsewhere.

None of this is easy. It's a lot of bad stuff when people get sick and die. There's also so much unknown about what to expect, etc., in every facet.

Good luck and best wishes, sweetheart. I hope you can all work together to come to a better situation and soon.

I guess I am in the minority. Yes, it is. When our father and then our mother needed in home support, as a family we covered the time. Granted my parents had 5 children and there were also 4 grown grandchildren in the area. All of us have spouses. Thank goodness that all of them were very supportive. Even our spouses would sometimes come to their house to help out with things that had to be done. It is what my parents wanted. They did not want strangers in their home or taking care of their personal needs. We honored that and all of us are grateful for that time we had with our parents.

I think you are responsible for making sure he is safe and cared for, but that doesn't mean it has to be you. No matter how great the relationship was. Do you expect your children to care for you as you age? Hope not. Give him a choice- accepts outside care in house and pays for it or when he ends up in the hospital he will be discharged to assisted living.

JessieBelle. I never thought of putting a percentage on it as you have. I just did the math and I have been taking care of my mother for 30% of my life and counting. Sad.

One positive point about your husband's caregiving is that it shows a generous, loving heart. However, do speak to him about setting limits. He has no idea how very very long this can go on. I began caregiving for my mother 18 years ago and it has taken a tremendous toll on my life. It sneaks up on you. You do a little more. The parents needs grow. You have a crisis and come out of it with a little less left of yourself and more demands. I retired early losing income and also needed to buy expensive health insurance. I missed vacations, invitations from friends, meals at home, time with my husband, skipped my own doctors appointments and on and on. Eventually, I realized my marriage was fading, my health was failing and still it was "more, more, more!" When I finally insisted my mother move to assisted living, I got no thanks for the years I allowed her to live as she wished at my expense. I still do a lot for her but am so grateful to have her daily needs provided. I notice the care aids are all 19 to 30 year-old. No one over 40 except an adult child of a needy parent would do this job. By the way, my mother never did a lick of elder care for her folks.

I agree that you should make every effort to end the argument with your husband. I did not mean to imply that fighting with him was a good think, just that I understood that it is a very emotional time for you and your family. You and your husband must get on the same page before sitting down with the rest of the family.

Many thanks to all who have shared their experiences here. I was only able to get my mom to move into assisted living (which she now loves!) with the support of FOUR doctors, several therapists, and rehab staff telling her that she couldn't live by herself anymore. It took four months to convince her, and I spent those four months with her through four hospitalizations and two rehabs. I live in Ohio and she's in Kansas; I work full-time. It was NOT easy to work out. But she finally listened to the doctors and is glad that she did. Those who noted that if we enable many parents and sibs will take advantage of us are absolutely right.

The big sticking point is usually in different interpretations of the words "care" and "help". All too often, the parent's idea of help is far broader than the child's. Help can mean the child shopping for the parent's groceries from a list provided by the parent. Or it can mean taking the parent to four stores to shop as the parent once did. It can mean providing support such as transportation to appointments or it can mean doing whatever (including moving in as the poster's brother in law has) is necessary for the parent to still be at home.

Our generation is being faced with some new dynamics. Grandparents are raising grandchildren, while still working fulltime jobs and providing support for elderly parents. Parents are living into their 90's, being helped by aging kids. We're juggling multiple elderly parents and dealing with our own health issues.

Our parents are basing their expectations of care and help on the past generations, without realizing that what was asked of them by their own parents was vastly different than what is being asked of us today. And so, we are bound to have problems no matter what we do - we run ourselves ragged trying to take care of everyone, or we find ourselves in a stalemate where the parent won't accept outside care and we can't do it all ourselves.

But I must say it makes me a bit nuts to hear this "they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them" with the implied "whatever it takes".

Janet, are you asking a legal or a moral question? Legally, I am quite sure it is not the responsibility of the children to take care of their elderly parents (unless of course they have POA, and as part, have a financial obligation to do so. However, I think you're asking a moral question. Morally, I would say yes, we do. We are family, and family should look after the young and the old. How we share that responsibility between family members is something we each must decide. However, in my humble opinion, I do believe we need to all share in taking care of our parents, after all, they took care of us, didn't they?

I believe as adult children we should help our parents anyway we can if we are available. We all are only on this earth for a short time and causing arguments between husband and wife over caretaking is sad. I am also in your situation. My husbands mother died a few years ago and she had no one but my husband, myself and our daughter. He did everything he could to help. When her dementia got worse he moved her closer to us. My dear father now has dementia. It is heart breaking to see my mother go through losing her love of her life and best friend. My brother who lives closer helps the majority of the time (everyday) and since I have two chronic illness I am more of a ear to listen and offer help in making phones calls, visiting and being there when I can. I believe we all should help our parents when we can. Once my parents pass away I want to believe and know I did everything I could to help. If you can live with yourself and not help than that is up to you. Someday we all will be in their situation and need help from others. It is always nice to get your families help instead of help from people who only care about making money and have NO compassion.

Wow, so many people going through and feeling the same things as I am.
My mother is 97 and I am her only child. Only other family in town is her elderly sister.
My mom absolutely refuses to consider any outside help, even though I know for a fact she has the funds for it. I know what's in her accounts, but heaven forbid she part with any of it now. She often says, "When I'm gone, you're going to be rich" or "One day you'll get it all".
After she had a fall, a social worker suggested someone to visit once a week; my mom's answer was, "My daughter will do it".
I am in my 60's and work part-time, so I have the time to do it. But I don't feel I have a life.
Additionally she has some memory issues which means being asked the same question 3 times in the space of 30 minutes.
Add, she's hard of hearing. She has hearing aids, but they haven't been checked or adjusted for a long time. She constantly has to say, "What?", then gets angry when I raise my voice. "I don't need to spend money on hearing aids"

Do I resent her? Yes, often.
I don't have an answer but it's nice to be able to vent without being judged. Other people remember my mother as she was and don't know, because she won't go anywhere, just how frustrating it is to deal with her.
Friends ask how she's doing and I just say, "Oh, she's hanging in there".
If I told the truth and said, "Well, she's a demanding, frustrating, sometimes nasty old lady", I would be seen as a terrible child to those who haven't been through it.

Dear Janet,

There are so many x factors with your question. But I feel that taking on the care of an elderly parent can lead to a lot a of anger and resentment. It is something that needs to be discussed openly.

My situation was different. My father was older when he had kids. My mother had divorced him and my siblings went on with their own lives, jobs, families, traveling. As the oldest of my sibling group, I did feel responsible for him. I was also the quiet one and never pursued having my own family. I'm not saying it was easy to manage, it wasn't. I also had my issues with my siblings but I did try. I tried to keep in mind the "Golden rule" but even in that I failed towards the end. Try to keep an open mind and make sure the whole family has all their options.

A three-year argument with your husband on the matter of parent elder care CANNOT continue! It has already caused you undue stress, I can only imagine. It is not your responsibility to care for your parents. My husband (him 66) and I (70) have already put in place plans to care for ourselves and NEVER put that strain on our daughter. If you and your husband keep fighting one or both of you may fall ill from stress. The problem will  be solved if you both drop over because YOU will be the ones requiring care. That is "old school" thinking of grandpa leaving money to his grandkids. They have careers and have made their own money. Good  grief!

It feels like there's some information missing - if this has been a struggle between them for 3 years, what else is DH being called on to do besides providing dinner once a week? I think one thing that the sibs need to address is how long does everyone expect the live in son to put his life on hold.

Wagon wheel...you a way nicer daughter than I am...if my mother treated me like that I wouldn't be calling her every day. How dare she be angry with you but then it sounds like she's a miserable person to begin with. So sad!
Ok...on the question at hand...your FIL has learned that if he refuses to hire care that his children will do what he wants. So then why should he hire care? As Ann Landers used to say "wake up and smell the coffee". Until the children of his decide to force him to hire care and cut back on their free services, it will not change. Can you resent your hubby being gone? Sure...but you should examine why. Is it a power struggle between the two of you? Or something else? I think counseling to get an objective person's perspective and advice would be worthwhile before this harms your marriage. If your husband won't go with you, which would be best, then go without him.

I don't think it's the children's responsibility to care for their elder parents, especially if it's full time. If your father in law has money that money should be used to take care of his needs. I understand him wanting to leave his money to the grandchildren but in the meantime if he isn't using his money for his care it creates problems for family members.
I am in a similar situation, my father in law died suddenly 14 months ago and my husband and his sister take care of their mother who has Alzheimer's. My husband lives with his mother 4 days a week and my sister in law stays with her 3 days. I resent my husband for basically leaving me and his 2 children while he takes care of his mother who has money to provide care. I almost see us getting a divorce over it because he just don't get it. Our family needs to come first. Good luck with your situation, it's definitely not an easy situation or fix.

Is it the Children's responsibility, well if you are kind and decent human being, then yes it is your responsibility, to see that they are in a Safe environment, well cared for, treated with respect, everything else is the gravy on top, but your husband seems to have come from a very nice family who does see it as a responsibility and a privilege, as they Love him, and work together to try and respect his wishes, and since there seems to be enough of them to handle the majority of the workload for now anyways, to meet his basic needs, without putting the burden only onto one, you should consider yourself lucky, as most of the time, it is only the one child who is doing Everything, while the rest of their siblings bail out on the parent for one reason or another.

I've been on both sides of the coin, having come from a family of six kids, where we all honored and enjoyed caring for both our parents until the end of their lives, and neither of them ever ended up in a nursing home.

On the flip side, my husband's Mom died, and his Dad came to live with us, while neither of his 2 siblings ever helped nor visited, nor ever showed any appreciation for their little brother at that.

It often boils down to how close and healthy the family is or how Dysfunctional they are, and then it quickly  becomes clear cut, how things are going to play out.

We had my FIL in our home for 13 years before it flat out became too much for us physically and mentally, and was beginning to affect our marriage adversely, so he was move to Assisted living.

Unfortunately that only lasted 9 weeks before he fell extremely ill with Pneumonia and Sepsis, and then a Cancerous Mass was found in his other lung, with mets to his chest wall and ribs, and Hospice was the only choice, as he is too old, too frail and weak to ever contemplate treatment, and he didn't wish to anyways, so he is now back in our home, On Hospice, bedbound, and waiting to die.

These are sometimes the difficult hand you are dealt, and it's up to you to decide how much you are willing to give, to support your own good conscious and values. We could send him to  Nursing home to die, but that's not in our make up to do so, so we will forward our best by him, as we have always done.

A lot depends on how much help you can put together with the family, hire in, or mange on your own, but in a family where so many are willing to chip in, I would consider myself Lucky, if you have ever read some of the struggles others have gone through on this site, you would see how fortunate you are! 

That doesn't mean that at some point there may come a time when it is too much even with all of the family working together,  as it is a very difficult job, but be honest with him in advance,  and he should understand,  and if not, you still will have done your best. But please be supportive of your husband,  as it is not easy being pulled in many different directions!  

I applaud your husband's sense of duty and love for his father. Perhaps it isn't his "responsibility" in the literal sense but certainly it should be in the loving/caring sense. I care for my husband who has LBD (form of dementia) and receive no help from his children. I do this because I love him and want only the best for him. It would absolutely make him feel loved and appreciated for all he did for them if his daughters would find time to spend with him and show respect and caring. His father obviously is important to him if he's willing to stand his ground on this issue and your support would show love and respect for your husband (maybe even offer to help too). Your attitude upsets me greatly.

Taking care of a child is nothing like caring for an aging, frail, sick parent or elder loved one. Under normal circumstances, children grow up, become independent, and take care of themselves. Our society today no longer knows what it's like to live in an extended family where parents, siblings, aunts or uncles, and/or grandparents lived under one roof. Life expectancy was much, much shorter. "Chronic care" was not a thing. Drugs did not keep people going for years and years. Those who fall back on these outdated stereotypes of family are misguided.

What you owe your parents and in-laws is honesty and respect. They also owe you that! However, many people are afraid of standing up to their parents. And there comes a point when parents, who start making bad decisions (financial, life), need to be helped for their own good.

My in-laws nearly ruined themselves financially until my husband stepped in, got durable power of attorney, and got them moved into an independent living building. He still takes care of his father but does not provide hands on care. He makes sure that his father has what he needs, and then some!

And shame on anyone who puts guilt on you for "fighting" with your husband about something this difficult. If you didn't fight about it, it would mean you didn't care. But you do care - about your husband and his father.

It is not easy to have these conversations with old people. It is infuriating how obtuse they can be. My in-laws lied to my face to get their way. It took many, many times of broaching the subject with them to get anywhere. Caregiving must work for everybody involved, and not just the elder.