Is it ever ok to say no to caregiving?

Ubsueg, I remember some time ago I chatted with my parents about "what if they needed to hire a caregiver". I asked them would it be ok if the caregiver was 65 years old? If the caregiver was never trained in caregiving? If the caregiver hated to drive"? If the caregiver couldn't lift one of them if one fell? yada, yada, yada.

My parents said "no" to the above questions and then some. Then I said, well that caregiver would have been me. It was an interesting eye opener for them. And my Dad remember that when later down the line he asked if there were places where he could hire a caregiver :)

It is rarely a good idea for a senior to be a caregiver to older seniors. I remember going to my parent's doctor appointment, there the 3 of us were, all using canes. Dad and I couldn't get Mom to use a taxi, so I white knuckled it to all their appointments.

Thank you all for your insight.
In my heart I knew the answer.
BUT you opened my mind to something I never thought of.
My sister has her POA she is the decision maker. As the older wiser sister I can voice my opinion.
BUT in the end she makes the decision good or bad. I am ok with that as long as she realizes that it's her decision and that I am DONE!
Why didn't I think of that!
Thank you all!
Update...mom is back in the hospital now 5 days with pneumonia and UTI. Again case worker came up to me about discharge plans. I referred her to my sister the POA. Felt good.
Thank you again everyone

Others on the thread have said it's always okay to say no. It always is. You are done caregiving. It's time for your mother to go into managed care. If your sister chooses to be a martyr on Caregiver Hill, that's her business. You don't have to.
There comes a time when a person has to say no. I was a caregiver for 25 years as my employment. I was also the go-to person for any family and in-law family who needed baby-sitting and hands-on care for the old people they didn't want to deal with. I took it on for my mother a few years ago and it has not been a good experience and I am leaving.
I am so very done with caregiving for elderly people that I need a new word for done. I'm now in the homecare business.
No more caregiving for you. At 68 you had a good career and now it's time for you to be retired. Enough is enough. She needs more care than visiting home aides can provide. Unless your sister is willing to have live-in caregivers, your mother should be put into managed care. You can advocate for her now and make sure she gets good care.

I have to agree with Emma, sister heard yes. Remind her that you told her you would not be the backup plan. That you thought Mom needed LTC.

Yes its OK to say no. Sounds like sister is passive-aggressive. Place Mom in a nice LTC.

When you say no, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
(Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)

when my sister was resistant to moving my dad to memory care, but he could no longer be alone, i told her that if she did not agree then she would have to be the one to sleep there every night. I told her that if she would not agree to look for a place then i would stop taking turns with her. it worked.

Ub, well done.

A few useful phrases and thoughts:

"I can't possibly do that".

"That doesn't fit in with my plans".

Consider that you yourself are a senior. Adult children in their 40s caring for elders in their 60s sometimes worked a generation ago. Today, folks in their 60s and 70s caring for the super-annuated--it's just absurd. Not good for anyone.

In elder care, there are few "good" solutions. There are only the "least bad" ones.

Yes! If you can't, you can't. You are probably right that she needs to be in AL and/or memory care. You've done so much for so many, and you don't need to take on further responsibilities. With caregiver fatigue, you aren't able to give your best in this situation anyway. Let your sister muddle about until she reaches the conclusion that mom needs to be in a place where professionals care for her. You're done.

The whole aging-care industry along with entering this stage of family life sucks. All of us who’ve been there (and in my case are still there) know this. Everyone can tell you to take care of yourself, which obviously is paramount, but it’s not that simple. Taking care of elderly family members is fraught with double binds. It’s better to age in place but it’s costly and it’s stressful for family members because there are numerous tasks -the same as managing a business. There is hiring firing and managing staff, finances, infrastructure to build and manage, and yes… direct care responsibilities when caregivers don’t show up. On the other hand, most facilities are extremely stressful to deal with, and you have to be willing to see loved ones suffer in ways they don’t when in your care. It’s a trade off. To top it all off the entire industry exploits seniors’ wealth, or lack there of. The prices should be regulated. Instead of getting support for aging in place which takes the burden off the system, every third party needed to accomplish it gets their hooks into your money. You feel you can’t say no because someone will walk out on you - a family member, an agency, a caregiver, a health care worker, a doctor, an insurance company, etc. and then where will you be? - another double bind.
it’s the worst one. You feel trapped. There’s no direction to take that isn’t going to have serious negative consequences. I don’t have an answer for this. I’m still searching for one myself. I’ve been doing this 9 years - alone - no family support. I’m not a martyr. I’m not a control freak. I’m not a dummy. I’m simply aware that the only way out is through. Meanwhile, I protect my health by staying engaged in my meaningful professional work and my relationship with my spouse & friends. I don’t have nearly enough time for them and practically none for myself. But I’m making sure this is temporary. Sorry not more helpful.

Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaa! “I agreed to try” was a dangerous thing to say. Your sister heard this as a “Yes.” The rest of that sentence, “butifitdoesntworkoutthenblahblahblah…” went right into one ear and out the other. There must never be a “but.” Just..NO. That famous, under-used complete sentence.

I retyped my answer as I think there area few issues.

1. Sister ignored your No.
We all agreed on that!
Hold firm.

As I said, I lived this. Nowadays, if I don't agree, I just don't do. I make it simple.
"I don't agree with X. Therefore I won't be helping with X". On repeat if required. Sometimes people seem to be a little.. let's say.. 'deaf'.

2. Views can differ.
You both may have Mom's best interests in mind. But you are looking through different eyes.
- I want Mom to be happy in her home.
- I want Mom to have reliable care.
You may both agree you want Mom to be safe - that may help find common ground...

So what is SAFE for her situation?

3. Functional Level.
I pointed out to my loy lot the difference between Semi-Independent & Full Dependence.

Semi: The person was mostly independent, could use the help of an aide, but could manage without (if a cancellation). Could self-manage food, meds, dressing, toileting, hygiene.

Dependant: the person left alone is unable to self-manage taking meds correctly, eat, drink, toilet.

A grey area may be inbetween. Able to make a snack, reheat food, take meds ok but stay unwashed, undressed. This is the level my LO is at. LO says they will just 'make do' if no aide. Not ideal - but not instantly dangerous. So ok (just).

So if Mom is NOT ok without an aide, she is Dependant.
This makes her more vulnerable home alone.
This can be the start of a new discussion. Not on Home vs Care. But what is reasonable in terms of safety?

4. Backup Plan.
If Home with aides is plan A, & into Care becomes plan C - is it possible to implement a middle step? A plan B for backup aides? (Not you) A 2nd agency??