68 years old. Retired RN. Took care of multiple close family members till their deaths. Now 91 year old mother living alone fell Fx right humerus. Went to rehab. Got Covid in rehab. Could not put much effort into rehab. My opinion is needs assisted living/ memory care due to intermittent confusion. Sister wanted home care 24/7 aides set up by her through her job (RN)
I agreed to try..but if aides not working or showing up….I will not be the back up plan…I am done. Severe Caregiver fatigue..Have my own responsibilities at home.
Came home yesterday. Very bad condition. Cannot walk. Hallucinating. Went there this am. Aide did not show up. Reminded my sister that I would not be back up plan. Argued that she does everything…I do nothing…not true she has martyr syndrome.
Lots more to story…but bottom line is it ok to say no to a situation you thought was wrong but agreed to let her try with stipulations by me (older sister.)
My parents said "no" to the above questions and then some. Then I said, well that caregiver would have been me. It was an interesting eye opener for them. And my Dad remember that when later down the line he asked if there were places where he could hire a caregiver :)
It is rarely a good idea for a senior to be a caregiver to older seniors. I remember going to my parent's doctor appointment, there the 3 of us were, all using canes. Dad and I couldn't get Mom to use a taxi, so I white knuckled it to all their appointments.
In my heart I knew the answer.
BUT you opened my mind to something I never thought of.
My sister has her POA she is the decision maker. As the older wiser sister I can voice my opinion.
BUT in the end she makes the decision good or bad. I am ok with that as long as she realizes that it's her decision and that I am DONE!
Why didn't I think of that!
Thank you all!
Update...mom is back in the hospital now 5 days with pneumonia and UTI. Again case worker came up to me about discharge plans. I referred her to my sister the POA. Felt good.
Thank you again everyone
There comes a time when a person has to say no. I was a caregiver for 25 years as my employment. I was also the go-to person for any family and in-law family who needed baby-sitting and hands-on care for the old people they didn't want to deal with. I took it on for my mother a few years ago and it has not been a good experience and I am leaving.
I am so very done with caregiving for elderly people that I need a new word for done. I'm now in the homecare business.
No more caregiving for you. At 68 you had a good career and now it's time for you to be retired. Enough is enough. She needs more care than visiting home aides can provide. Unless your sister is willing to have live-in caregivers, your mother should be put into managed care. You can advocate for her now and make sure she gets good care.
Yes its OK to say no. Sounds like sister is passive-aggressive. Place Mom in a nice LTC.
When you say no, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
(Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)
A few useful phrases and thoughts:
"I can't possibly do that".
"That doesn't fit in with my plans".
Consider that you yourself are a senior. Adult children in their 40s caring for elders in their 60s sometimes worked a generation ago. Today, folks in their 60s and 70s caring for the super-annuated--it's just absurd. Not good for anyone.
In elder care, there are few "good" solutions. There are only the "least bad" ones.
it’s the worst one. You feel trapped. There’s no direction to take that isn’t going to have serious negative consequences. I don’t have an answer for this. I’m still searching for one myself. I’ve been doing this 9 years - alone - no family support. I’m not a martyr. I’m not a control freak. I’m not a dummy. I’m simply aware that the only way out is through. Meanwhile, I protect my health by staying engaged in my meaningful professional work and my relationship with my spouse & friends. I don’t have nearly enough time for them and practically none for myself. But I’m making sure this is temporary. Sorry not more helpful.
Limit being: NOT providing 24/7 on-call backup service, as stated.
1. Sister ignored your No.
We all agreed on that!
Hold firm.
As I said, I lived this. Nowadays, if I don't agree, I just don't do. I make it simple.
"I don't agree with X. Therefore I won't be helping with X". On repeat if required. Sometimes people seem to be a little.. let's say.. 'deaf'.
2. Views can differ.
You both may have Mom's best interests in mind. But you are looking through different eyes.
- I want Mom to be happy in her home.
- I want Mom to have reliable care.
You may both agree you want Mom to be safe - that may help find common ground...
So what is SAFE for her situation?
3. Functional Level.
I pointed out to my loy lot the difference between Semi-Independent & Full Dependence.
Semi: The person was mostly independent, could use the help of an aide, but could manage without (if a cancellation). Could self-manage food, meds, dressing, toileting, hygiene.
Dependant: the person left alone is unable to self-manage taking meds correctly, eat, drink, toilet.
A grey area may be inbetween. Able to make a snack, reheat food, take meds ok but stay unwashed, undressed. This is the level my LO is at. LO says they will just 'make do' if no aide. Not ideal - but not instantly dangerous. So ok (just).
So if Mom is NOT ok without an aide, she is Dependant.
This makes her more vulnerable home alone.
This can be the start of a new discussion. Not on Home vs Care. But what is reasonable in terms of safety?
4. Backup Plan.
If Home with aides is plan A, & into Care becomes plan C - is it possible to implement a middle step? A plan B for backup aides? (Not you) A 2nd agency??
Thank you for you answer. Mom is totally dependent and not in good medical condition.