Is it me having a pity party or has anyone else experienced this?

Your husband very likely has a different "emotional style" and would deal with grief differently. For example, some people process their grief by "staying busy" to distract them from the pain. You already mentioned that he is "too busy with work" to help you much and that he deals with things in a "businesslike manner." That is likely how he deals with life's unpleasantries - by staying very busy. I bet if you look at his behavior over the decades, you will see that's his usual "M.O."

Given all of the above, I'm suspect that he had no intention of hurting you. Also, he may not really be capable of interacting in any other way.

So, what EXACTLY were you expecting from your husband? Did you verbalize to him what you were expecting during all of this grief? If you did not do so, then you were expecting him to be a mind-reader. He could not have possibly known what you "needed" unless you told him up front.

You have the right to be upset. You have carried a awfully heavy load and for so many. You deserve better from your husband. But I have to ask - was he fully on board while you were carrying this load? Did you talk about all the time you spent dealing with them instead of with him? Is he maybe tired of it? Is he afraid your time may not be replaceable? If he is getting ALZ, is he afraid of what is to come? Or maybe afraid of losing you and having to face the potential care giver role alone?
Sorry guys, but some men are just blind/deaf/dumb when emotions need to be shared. Maybe it's time for the two of you to have a really honest talk? Just something to think about.

Polarbear’s response really got me thinking! I mean really made me question my thoughts on men in general, not making excuses but just that some men are not capable of responding as emotionally as women.

I hate to say it but some men are like that because of the way their mother raised them. They babied them. A man was considered to be ‘the king of the castle’ and the female is supposed to be the ‘nurturer.’

My FIL was always a spoiled man because his mom babied him so much.

My MIL had three sons and she swore she would never raise her sons to be helpless and unwilling to participate like my FIL was with her. She expected them to be thoughtful, caring and responsible for their behavior.

My MIL raised her sons to help with washing dishes, doing laundry, learning basic cooking, plus outside yard work and putting out the trash. She taught them to be considerate of others in every way.

Whenever my MIL got sick her husband did nothing! When I felt under the weather, my husband wasn’t helpless. He took over completely.

My mom raised my brothers to put out the trash and yard work with no chores inside the house. That was my job as the only daughter in our home.

She treated my dad like a king. But oddly enough my dad started helping her on his own and she did not object to it, but she calls me lazy if she sees my husband helping me. That is crazy!

Same with parenting. A man is not ‘babysitting’ his kids. He is the other parent. My husband changed diapers from day 1. Okay, so he couldn’t nurse them but he went to get our crying babies out of the crib for me in the middle of the night.

I loved him for being so thoughtful to do that. I used to thank my MIL all the time for raising a thoughtful, considerate husband.

I swear he has never left the toilet seat up, left clothes all over the floor, etc. Is he perfect, absolutely not! Nor am I. But lessons we learn as children go a long way! So to all mothers who raise their sons like my MIL did, I say thank you!

My mom did not raise my brothers like my MIL did and all of my brothers got divorced! Their wives flew the coop! Well, my older brother is on wife number 4!

Yes, I do agree with polarbear that a man may be more ‘practical’ rather than ‘emotional’ but I also feel it depends on how they were raised by their parents. I do agree it is not a bad thing to be practical. It can add balance to a relationship. But for me, I feel our parents leave an imprint on us and if it can be positive like the imprint that my MIL left or negative like my mom left. Fathers have a responsibility to set an example for their sons. I don’t have sons but my husband set a good example to my daughters as to how a man should treat a woman.

My husband works with a guy that his wife does all of his clothes shopping for him and lays out his clothes every morning before work! He laughed about it. That would drive my husband nuts if I did that.

My husband was never a ‘momma’s boy. He is an independent man. That’s the man I fell in love with and still love 41 years later. We share everything. We give each other space when we need time alone. We have never smothered each other. We have never been jealous in our relationship.

I have a friend who said she caused her own divorce because she was so jealous.

I asked if her husband ever gave her a reason to be jealous. She told me no. She said she has always been the jealous type and her husband got sick of it and left her.

She told me she got him fired from his job from causing a scene at his work for him conversing with his secretary. Relationships can get crazy!

Yes, we can pamper our spouses if we choose to but it should always be a two way street.

I will give a couple of funny examples of certain situations, concerning life lessons from my MIL. She also taught us to laugh at ourselves. A sense of humor goes a very long way indeed.

We hadn’t been married very long, still in the ‘newlywed’ stage. I was madly in love and wanted to surprise my husband with a special breakfast. We both worked full time Monday through Friday with weekends off. So, normally we would sleep in on Saturday mornings.

Well, one Saturday morning I decided to wake up early and surprise my husband with a ‘special’ breakfast. I decided to make French toast for him. It looked just like my mom’s French toast and I was so proud of my accomplishment and couldn’t wait for him to eat it instead of our usual cold cereal after sleeping in.

He woke up and I was so happy about telling him that I made a delicious breakfast for him as a treat. He sat down excitedly, looked down at his plate and quietly said, “Honey, what is this?” I about died! I said to him, “Can’t you see that it is homemade French toast?”

His response was so disturbing to me as a newlywed. He replied, “Well, it doesn’t look like my mother’s French toast.” He did eat it and said, “Thanks, it’s good but it isn’t really French toast.” I said, “Yes, it is!” Hahaha, our first fight was about French toast!

I tried so hard to serve him a ‘special’ breakfast and felt like I flopped. Not to mention, that my feelings were hurt so when he left the room I cried. Silly now...but back then it was important to me as a newly married woman.

I have always wanted to be a great cook like my mom was and have everyone enjoy my cooking, especially my husband so I decided I had to know how his mom cooked French toast and called her to find out. I asked for the recipe and she gave it to me.

She heard in my voice that I was upset and as soon as I told her that he said that mine wasn’t as good as hers she asked to speak with him.

I put him on the phone. She told him, “Son, you never tell a new bride that she doesn’t cook like your mother. That is a huge faux pas!” He never said it to me again.

Hahaha, when I messed up dinner afterwards and made mistakes cooking, baking a turkey with the stuff wrapped in paper inside! LOL and other dinners that neither of us could eat! He would say, “Honey, would you like to go out for dinner or order a pizza?”

The food looked good but some things while I was learning certainly didn’t taste good. Was horrible! I eventually learned how to cook very well.

I adored his mom for telling him about his faux pas!

She once told me that I was the daughter that she never had and I told her that she was my second mom. I truly was blessed with a loving MIL.

Another time, I was in a rush to do laundry and I threw in his red robe with his white underwear. We were newlyweds and like most young couples we didn’t have much money to spare so he wore pink underwear without complaining.

We were taught us not to waste money so he definitely wore the loveliest shade of pink underwear until they wore out! We still laugh about those things today.

Oh, and who does makes the best French toast? Well, he and my oldest daughter says without a doubt he does with his mom’s recipe, my youngest daughter and my mom are the diplomats and say we both make good French toast and I say that mine is best! Hahaha.

He has not worn pink underwear since my faux pas in the laundry room! Fabrics are color fast today. That’s my excuse and I am sticking to it! LOL. I did learn not to wash colors with the whites.

My DH stated the other day he only has 2 emotions: anger & normal.

And sometimes if he eats something the anger goes away.

He wasn't even kidding.

I had no idea a person could have ZERO emotional intelligence but looking back at a lot of our arguments, it makes sense. He really has NO idea about complex emotional concepts of 'feelings'.

There is a saying, which is generally good advice: "when you're going through Hell - keep going!"

But it sounds to me, just on the face of it, as though your husband is trying to set the pace a little too high for your comfort.

Your aims are the same: doing the right thing to the best of your abilities, taking good care of the people you love. Perhaps you would feel less hurt by his trying to skim over the emotional impacts if you give more weight to his primary intention, and perhaps he could give more weight to the reality of what is happening *now* and stop thinking that it's possible just to hurry on and leave it behind.

You need to start living your own life now. If you are not retirement, you need to start working at a regular job, and start living. I'm caring for my mom suffering end-stage Alzheimer's disease. When she passes that's going to be it.

Has your husband always been like this, or is this a change in attitude? Could your caregiving for others be putting your own marriage under stress, or stressing him out? Could he be feeling neglected as you care for everyone - and perhaps feeling you are not tending to your own needs or those of your marriage? Everything you do and feel affects him as well. He may feel he has been waiting forever to enjoy life and your marriage as you take on one after another relative. Perhaps some marriage counseling and communication is in order? What you have done is admirable - you must be an incredibly caring person with more strength then most of us would have. It is also hard to live with a saint ... putting off your own needs, and fearing upsetting someone who is already doing way too much, who is so invested emotionally. I know when I or my husband are going through a heck of a lot less then you two, I bear the worries just as much as he does.

I can see how hurtful his words are, but it also sounds like he may be trying to help by trying to help you get things in order so you can get on with your life...and just as the goal seems close, someone else needs you, and you valiantly respond. It also sounds like you have assigned yourself the role of caregiver, as you are anticipating caring for him. That he is minimally involved in caring for you when you need him seems like a red flag - how was he in helping with all the caregiving you did for others - was he supportive? (Sometimes, just staying out of it and letting you do things can be supportive.) Many men are also uncomfortable with emotions or things they can't "fix" - and frustrated, because how can you "fix" someone's sorrow over a loss? I have seen plenty of marriages break up over such things, or when a child is diagnosed with a serious illness and the wife focusses on the child and the husband can't tolerate it over the long haul. Seems like your husband has been nearly as saintly as you, deferring his own desire to enjoy your companionship and good times, because of your back to back long term commitments, in time and emotion.

I think you are both too close to things and have too many emotional things going on to handle by yourselves without marriage counseling. I say this because it's obvious he is going to say things in a way that are going to hurt you because of your own emotions, and his comments may be coming from similar emotions that he can't express except in his own "cut to the chase" "get it done, fixed, and over with and get on with life" "business" way of dealing with things which you are bound to perceive as uncaring and that will feel like cutting uncaring critical comments. If you don't get help dealing with this, you are bound to resent, for a very long time, the way he is handling the discussions, when in truth, it may be the only way he knows how and I suspect it is intended to try to help you, but will not be perceived that way.

I've been a caregiver for three family members. This last one, my father, was a diagnosed Malignant Narcissist. Everyone wants to make excuses for a man's lack of empathy, or that they feel neglected, or whatever but there are no excuses for these behaviors. I'm not saying that all men are malignant narcissists, of course not, but that they should be held to the same standards of caring and behavior as women. Many, many good men have demonstrated that they are capable of being loving, caring, empathetic husbands. Your husband is clearly not one of them. Based on what you've described, you should not feel one bit guilty for not wanting to be his caregiver. His treatment of you is abusive. Period. You are not his ''rock'', you are not neglectful, and there is nothing wrong with your emotional responses. He is the problem. He is the abuser. This is what Malignant Narcissists do. I know this from experience and any therapist who understands this will tell you the same. You cannot change them. You cannot reason with them. They will emotionally and mentally abuse you until their literal dying breath. Once you come to terms with this reality you can protect your own mental and emotional health, knowing that you are not the ''problem''. Don't fall into the trap of thinking ''men are just like that'', or ''he just doesn't know how to express himself under stress'' or any of the other things women will say to excuse a mans' terrible behavior. Please don't listen to this nonsense because it will do nothing to help you heal from the horrible treatment you've experienced from this man. There are no excuses. Don't take this abuse. When the time comes, put him in a nursing home and go live your life without guilt. Malignant Narcissists use guilt as a form of control, by the way. Don't give him any more power. If you do some research into this you will understand exactly what he has really been doing to you. When you accept the fact that you deserve better that this you will begin to heal and the guilt will disappear. Believe me, I know. God bless you.

Hi CaringRN,

I do not blame you at all for worrying about having to care for your husband in the future.

I was married to a cantankerous man and I know first hand he is a terrible patient: moaning and groaning, then getting mean if I asked what’s wrong.

It takes patience and love to be a caretaker and your husband has exceeded his quota of mean and unfeeling acts toward you.

Sorry to be forward, but that’s how I feel about it, since you’re asking...

charlotte

I can understand your pain, as my husband has "cold emotions". He was a bit grumpy I'll say a few yrs back when my mom had 3 surgeries over a year (2 hips and 1 knee replaced). I was the one going twice a day to do lovenox shots. So, short time later he had accident and knee surgery. I was "nurse kratched" with him (however you spell it) - I had no sympathy and I pushed harder than he liked with the movement daily. I made him get up to go pee and threw the pee jug away. My mom walked thru 3 rooms to get to her bathroom...he could walk too. I was within bounds and dr orders, but I didnt let him see sympathy. You're an emotionally cold person, you get it back.
We lost my dad this year after caring for him 12+ yrs. He supported me by being at the hospital with me and backed me on staying with my dads wishes. Made me go get tombstone day after burial. I snapped one time at him for wanting to clean up my dads place and after 3 months of dads passing, I broke and cried for a month but never let him see me cry. After my snap, he built me shelf as a shrine to put keepsakes on and we cleaned up at my place. I was so tired of hearing "whatever you want, I'm here to serve you". Guess I made my point that day I snapped.
My advice is if you want a little payback, be the cold person when hes laid up so he sees how it feels - if you can sleep with that. It's not a pity party. Everyone deals with things differently. I understand what your husband was trying to do and his heart was in the right place, but his eyes were not open nor his heart to consider your emotions before acting.
My brother told my mom "boy, it didnt take her long to get his bed out of her house". I told my oldest son I needed it out soon the night I came home from hospital and my son moved it next morning when I wasnt home. Walking in and seeing it gone stopped my heart for a second. I wasnt expecting it that fast, but I was grateful he took the opportunity while knowing I would be away long enough. Surprisingly, my mom defended me to my brother. I just knew if it was here after funeral I would've crawled up in it and never left it. I would've fell straight into depression hard. Oh and when my boss and her husband came over to our house, she and I hugged and cried. I whispered something to her in reference to feeling I should've done more or this or that and she told me no.... only time my husband saw me cry and that's because later he said "you women get to emotional" .
We are all just human beings and whether it be our own personality or our upbringing, we handle things differently. Some may see a pity party, others will see a strong individual who has been hurt and just needs a hug and some time to heal at her pace. Keep your chin up, you've got this and whatever else life throws at you.

I have said it before and will say it again. No matter what the relationships were that you once had, when this dementia hits, these people are gone gone gone and are no longer the same person. I don't care why they do what they do - they are doing it and their words and behaviors can literally destroy someone. Face the fact that not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. We can't all face this and let it roll off us like water. Do what we can but there comes a point when we are being very negatively impacted and destroyed, then we must be strong and stop it once and for all. Often that means placement. Do not allow anyone, regardless of why, do this to you. You do NOT deserve it. We must find a way and it can be done to protect yourself. No if's, and's, or but's.

I am so impressed by the responses to your question and to your plight. What a wealth of compassion and helpful information there is on this forum. I hope finding so much support has given you some comfort and ease some of of your hurt and fear and guilt.

Caring RN, of course, you can vent. Isn't that what we are here for. Sweetie, you are feeling overwhelmed & need a break before you burn out. I understand how you feel about your husband. My husband will say a lot of hurtful things, believe the liars & can't stop lying himself. We are on a very slippery slope. Be sure you take time for yourself!!

This is a difficult time for everyone. You are dealing with the loss of your mother and selling her home. Emotionally that can be all consuming. Added to that stress you & your husband are building a home. At the best of times that can ruin a marriage.  In times of stress we sometimes don’t think before we speak. I don’t think your husband is making statements to be mean to you but just stating facts. Yes your mother was 94 and sooner or later you knew her time would come, that doesn’t lessen your feeling of loss. I also had to deal with loosing Mom and selling our family home at the same time I was recovering from surgery. It was a struggle but with my husband’s help we got it done. On the flip side my Aunt died 20 years ago and my cousin kept the house because she couldn’t deal with cleaning it out and letting go. Now she is struggling to go through things, sell or give away what she can’t keep and sell the house. 

Several years ago we also built a new home.  We were dealing with his mother’s declining health and a brother that was a paraplegic due to an accident a few years earlier. Before we were finished both had passed within a few months of each other. Hubby put all his focus and energy into the construction doing as much as he could himself and working a full schedule. That left me in an apartment we rented after selling our other house and keeping our son on track with his school work. It was a long tense 18 months. Hubby stressed over things he had no control of and worried that we’d never finish. We managed to get to the other side and once the house was done enough we moved in and worked to finish the interior while living there, yet another stressful time.

Just take a breath and do your best.  Things will get better.

If his words, attitude and actions have made his future care plan clear, you can care for him with the same swift, business like decisions and not feel any guilt.

You have gone way above and beyond in caregiving. Please note that so many times caretakers are abused, maligned, looked down upon. And if there are other family members around when someone is a caretaker, they too suffer the consequences of taking these people into their homes. It affects them too, not just the caretaker. People who are physically and mentally do some horrible things and no matter why they do it, it must be stopped at once and never allowed - or they simply cannot remain with the family - no matter who they are. I can understand your husband's built up anger and resentment. Anyone would most likely feel as he does, even if you feel a need to be the caretaker.
Is there a question in your mind as to who is more important to you - your aunt or your husband. The answer to that will simplify what you must do. If you want to keep your husband and have a peaceful life, you most likely will have to place your aunt somewhere other than with you. If you don't do that, I fear what will happen to your relationship with your husband. You cannot have them both under the same roof. And as to vows of sickness and health, that is all very fine BUT if one or the other becomes a totally different person with streaks of mean cruelty, abusiveness, manipulation (and the list goes on), I would say first try all you can to stop it at once but under no circumstances do you allow it to occur and if need be, you must take drastic steps and remove them so YOUR life is not destroyed and you have no life and no future. YOU must think of yourself first as no one else will do that for you. I don't care if he is getting dementia - it is unacceptable. A second must is that everyone, no matter who they are, healthy or sick, MUST, MUST, MUST take responsibility at once and seek out options and information regarding their possible future needs and make plans accordingly. No matter how hard that is, every person must have their affairs in perfect order at every stage of their lives and they must plan ahead - this cannot ever be ignored until later. Now you must determine what it is you truly want and then plan how you will achieve that goal. You cannot wait - once you have done that, the pieces will start to fall into place. Since I was 20 years old, I always made sure all of my affairs were l00% up to date and correct (and I will be 86 - and all is in perfect order as of a review two weeks ago). I have thought and researched and planned and am facing the fact, I am on my own and I must take care of myself completely - and that is exactly what I am doing.