I have been the caregiver for 5 loved ones (including my MIL & FIL). Currently caring with part-time help for my 93 year old Aunt who suffered a stroke 7 months after my Mother died in Feb 2018 @ age 94. I know I didn't have much time to grieve the loss of my Mother because there was so much business (funeral, selling my childhood home, then dealing with my Aunt's stroke) to tend to. On top of that, 2 years before my Mother started to decline intensely, my husband & I chose to build a home that would accommodate our later years. Unbeknownst to me & in hindsight, taking on such a big project was unwise. Right now, I feel like after 42 years of marriage, I'm seeing a side of my husband I don't like. I know he deals with everything in a "business like" manner, BUT- Ex; after my Mother's death, I feel he pushed me to get over it (his words "@ least you had her for 94 years. You should have known it was coming"), cleaning out my Mother's home & putting it on the market 2.5 months after she died (he said " I didn't want to see you sink into depression & delay the inevitable, I felt it was best for you"), making decisions regarding our new house. Honestly, after Mom died, I wasn't into it & emotionally shut down. 3 weeks ago, I fell & broke my ankle & nose. This is the first time I've been injured & needed care for myself. He is too busy with work so he helping me is minimal. Fortunately for me, I 've always been very resourceful & find a way to get things done.
Long story, short- Currently I am feeling that my Aunt will be the last of my caregiving. I pray that I die first before my husband because I am so hurt by his words, attitude,& actions, that I don't want to care for him when his time comes (please don't badger me of my marriage vows " in sickness & in health"). It has crossed my mind that he may be exhibiting early signs of ALZ. It does run in his family.
Have any of you generous caregivers felt this way about your spouse? I know I am feeling hurt & disappointment ( I have told him this). Thanks for letting me vent
Only you know what you can handle Do what works for you. No guilt
Hugs
Excuse my self-editing. Auto-correct sometimes gets the better of me.
RVA
Take a different approach to what's happening here, my friend. If you view his behavior as Fear based rather than Not Giving A Damn, I think you'll see things differently. That's not to say it's okay how he's acting or what he's saying..........it's not. It's just explaining WHY. It's up to you to make him understand, after 45 years of marriage, why you deserve to be treated better and in a much kinder way, regardless of his fear. He can be business like and emotionless all day long with his coworkers, but with YOU, he needs to soften up and give you what YOU need. Nobody deserves to be rushed through grief, or to have serious issues pooh-poohed away or swept under the rug. The negative effects WILL come out one day, and he REALLY won't like THAT outcome!!
Wishing you all the best of luck and lots of peace, dear woman.
Everyone grieves differently. Your husband is a realist. So is mine. This can be good and he thought he was helping.
My Mom was 89 with Dementia. I was there thru it all and was so relieved I didn't have to worry about her and all that went along with her care. I miss her at certain times, like the pew at Church.
If possible, find someone else to take over Aunts care. Take a little trip by yourself. You have a new home to enjoy and hopefully back on track with husband. This is your time.
We have not moved into our new home yet because it usually takes about a year to get permits, architecture, approvals completed before the lot is cleared & there were other set backs. Currently, my fractured ankle has set us back.
After my career military brother died of testicular cancer in 2015, I had a very hard time with PTSD. After 2 years of caring for him an through hospice, which I do not recommend for the uninitiated b/c you are still on the front line of caring the for dying loved one and it took up to 45 min for the nurse to show up while my brother was in screaming, intense pain that I could not control with the meds. Or abscesses bursting and excessive, uncontrolled bleeding. And that I gave him what was his last dose of medication and watched him stop breathing. I have to allow a for the days that are filled with grief and more emotionally intense.
Then mom broke her hip in 2017 at age 87 and I became her caregiver. Surgery went good, rehab not so much. She has been bedridden since and my father is down to 128 lbs (6''1") skin and bones + 2 caregivers are not enough. Father has been diagnosed with leukemia. They will not discuss NH, AL and I had to hire the caregivers myself.
Really, there is only so much we can do. But to watch your family disintegrate requires the help of professionals and therapy. Please reach out for both.
[[hugs]] !
I get it. Grief is important. It’s not healthy not to go through the stages. You were counting on your husband for support and feel let down. You are entitled to feel as you do. Acknowledging your feelings is a good thing.
It’s really hard to go from one tough situation straight into another one without a breather.
I hope that things will ease up for you soon. You can vent anytime.
I think everyone has had disappointment at one time or another with a spouse. No one has a perfect spouse. Nor have we been the perfect mate.
I think it was absolutely fine to express your feelings to him. That’s better than bottling it up inside and then exploding later. You sound like you are reasonable, intelligent, thoughtful, yet you have had an overflowing plate for long enough. Things are bound to spill over from time to time.
As soon as you can, take some time for yourself to reflect and hopefully things will become more clear to you. Sometimes it is hard to see things clearly when you are right smack in the middle of it.
I wish you well. Take care. Hugs!
I would speak to your doctor, sometimes cognitive therapy and or medication short term can really help. Plus, if you can, and I know it’s very hard to, learn a new hobby or take up an old one, where you meet others without your husband about. Something that has nothing to do with caregiving.
A change can be as good as a rest, and a change in people you meet may do wonders for your esteem. Be kind to yourself - treats don’t have to cost money. I love sitting watching the sun set over the water....
i shall be thinking of you
What did your husband say when you let him know how you felt? Did he blow off what you said? Mine tends to do that with me. I wonder whether he believes me when I’m hurt by something he says. I have to say it’s rare that he does it. But sometimes I wonder who I married, and whom does he think HE married?
I don't hear self-pity in your tone at all. Is there someone else in real life you can talk confidentially to?
He has even told me that he doesn't think he'll even cry when his parents die. Not a pillar of strength by any means.
So Caringrn I totally understand where you are coming from.
When I cry I go off by myself.
He’s never done anything to help me or take care of me when I’ve been sick or after surgeries. When I had a gall bladder attack, I was in such pain I crawled into the bedroom on my hands and knees and practically begged him to take me to the hospital. I mentioned the only relief I got was when I was lying down. He told me to “go lay down then” and went back to sleep. I had to call an ambulance. I almost died from the infection.
Instead of stewing in your own juices, either talk to your husband when you feel you can be calm and non-accusatory, or if that’s not possible, go talk to someone else, like a therapist. Your husband, like mine, acts this way because he always has and you’ve been so busy care-taking and perhaps, like me, he feels he’s had to handle all this on his own because you’ve been preoccupied. He’s gotten away with it and believes it’s ok. He needs to know it’s not. Know what you want to say and even practice in the car by yourself before you speak to him. Don’t engage in arguments. Walk away if one starts. Good luck. Like I said, I understand.
You have been through a lot. Your post is extremely thought provoking. It really is.
You’re a living saint. I mean that. You’re stronger than a lot of people to have stuck it out this long. I’m not judging you in any way. I don’t have any right to judge anyone.
You know, people do judge easily and I don’t think they realize that things can happen gradually which makes it harder to realize what is happening. Deceptive behavior can wreck havoc in a relationship.
I wish your husband had not treated you like he did. The line that truly jumped out at me was you being sick and calling your own ambulance. That’s hard to think about that happening to you. Your health was in danger. Geeeez.
I don’t know if you have forgiven him. Your actions show a forgiving person. I would never expect you to forget any of those things, all were awful. I just hope he is fully aware of the gem that you are by caring for him now. I don’t think anyone would blame you if you didn’t and divorced him years ago. Hugs!