Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Vstefans--I keep thinking I can be nice and meet her needs and give her the love she seems to need but it is slowly killing me. I have been remarkably, impossibly flexible. I am losing my friends over how flexible I have been in trying to meet her ever-changing needs. You are right,I have been misleading myself. So sad but I am ready to try and make some real change--I hope. It is the hardest thing I could ever face. I have tried before and failed miserably. I honestly do not know if I can do it. I keep thinking that maybe I can continue this craziness until she passes away but I honeslty think she will live into her 90s and I don't wish her dead; I just wish she was different, and I wish I WAS DIFFERENT! I know it is me who needs to change--no one else will. I asked my daughter tpo pray for me. Although I am Jewish, she is a devout Christian! Her prayers have been helping, I am so blessed with so much. Two beautiful children and two beautiful step-daughters, 5 grandkids. I have to change--I just have to!
You can change! It will be the hardest thing you have ever worked for, but you can get there. Try to keep focused on the joy of your own life that lays before you so that you can despise the pain that you'll go through to get there. In the process, remember to not despise yourself for not dealing with this sooner, but congratulate yourself that you have seen the light and are seeking to move forward.
I love that. That's what dialectical behaviroal therapy do for some people that is now being used to help people beyond those it was made for. It helps people to use something called mindlessness when faced by triggers. I had a therapist who tried to teach me that, but I could never quite get it. She wanted me to think of one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I've ever seen or been to. She did not want me to think of any good looking girls though ha, ha, Once I had the place in mind, she suggested I go there in my head whenever stuff from others just got to be too much and threatened to trigger some of my underlying anger. She was doing that one on one. It probably works better in a group.
While you are trapped, realistically you are the only one who can change. You can stop dancing with your mother in that emotional dance that she taught you the steps to. You need your own dance that you dance your way to your own tune. This may well require stepping out of the mire to dance on a higher plane of life. There will probably be some mire dripping off of your legs and feet once you step up, but that will fall off along the way.
I wish you the best. Continue to be kind to yourself because no one will be as kind to you as you will. Take care and do something nice for yourself today.
I need you all to know that my mother does carry on about her dog and talks up a storm--she could talk all day--but much of this problem is ME and my seeming inability to let things go. At some level I do know that all of this is crap and she will be fine--angry and depressed maybe, but overall ok. I have to fix myself. Please know that I read these posts over and over again and it's keeping me hanging in there. I get four free visits from a shrink but I want to get my grandson back home and my husband over his biopsy and then I will go from there. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I truly do. I hate feeling trapped and like I have no backbone. I am pretty frustrated with myself, but kind enough to myself to try and make things better. That is it in a nutshell--I feel trapped and I can blame my mother all I want but she is not goinbg to change, so I had better get on it. Thanks for your pateince and kindness. Thank you for helping me see a viusion of sanity!
I am sorry to hear you are on a roller coaster. Have you been able to meet with the therapist. It also may be necessary to increase some of your meds to give you more emotional equalibrium while you work through this situational depression and your mom dumping or threatening to dump guilt on you.
Remember, she groomed you for this. It's like a software program that's actually a virus inside the computer of your mind. The program either needs to be isolated into an anti-virus vault, incapacitated, or removed from the hard drive. The first two are more likely. It's been in there for so long, I'm not sure you can just clean it off and reboot. Please excuse the rather concrete analogy, but I think you get my point.
Hang in there. It will at times likely feel that your fingernails and our support is about all the thread you have, but we are here.
And if she DOES happen to die while you are away and she is dogless, it is still NOT YOUR FAULT that she could not choose to find her own happiness without torturing you by trying to make you responsible for it instead.
IM BLOODY INSANE and I don't want to cook or clean and my 'dear' cousin has had the bloody nerve to ring me today to tell me SHE (with dementia) thinks I (Probably without dementia) need to buck my ideas up and care for Mum properly. Well OK she has dementia so we will play the game....what do you think I should do first. Well your Mum is obviously lonely since your Dad died - term yes I can see that she would be but what do you think I should do about it?
Well why don't you marry her? Erm because she is my mother? Well after a tirade of abuse she slammed the phone down but I think I am her focus which is not going to be good. Her sweet sweet husband rang not 5 minutes later to apologise....no need I said and he giggled he actually giggled like a kid - He had the balls to admit he couldn't speak for hiding an all laugh when she suggested I marry Mum.
Dontcha just hate dementia?
Judda--I love that you and your mom have found something that works for both of you. It is so great when that happens.
I am hanging in there. I am so thankful for this discussion. I hope you all have a good Sunday !
Our closets and furniture have downsized and we had so much fun cleaning out our old junk. Now we have two separate apartments. I thank God I don't have to go through what you are living.
Find a million ways to take care of yourself and find something that pleases you every single day; while you are caregiving. My admiration and sympathy for your struggle.
Jude, keep hanging in there. Your Mum could not live without you!
Question is, did *she* have anyone in mind? Hope you've got her good hat at the ready, too :)
I try to avoid additional pressure so I thought it would be a really sensible move to sell up and go to a flat(Apartment)!!!! Jings if only I had known the stress that would cause.
Well we sold our house, we have managed to find a beautiful apartment and it is stunning but now we need to downsize OBVIOUSLY.
I brought all Mums clothes down so that she could decide keep/ charity /dispose of. Easy peasy I thought. Oh heavens to Betsy - no it isn't. She got rid of 2 things the first time. Then constantly nagged and nagged until eventually I couldn't bear it any longer and in the second run she threw 4 things out. Well this has gone on for 4 weeks now - luckily moves in the UK take forever it seems.
The last attempt was 2 days ago and I got her to throw about 50% of her stuff - the charity bags were being collected Friday and so it was spot on timing - YAY...............so so wrong Oh jings now it is worse than ever because she just wants to 'check' she made the right choices....erm too late they have gone to charity Mum
It is 8:34 am Mum has been awake for 2 hours and she has asked to check 13 times so far and I want to scream....a lot
Right now I am hiding because I swear if she say she wants to check one more time I will have to walk away for at least 2 hours to get my sanity back
Good news! Try not to hate yourself for how you have been is how you were groomed to be and you are not at fault for that. You now have self awareness and see what is going on which is great!!! That is much further than many people ever get. Yes, it will be an up and down experience with a few steps forward followed by some backward, but overall making some progress toward the goal.
Probably an anti-anxiety med possibly would help you while you work through these other things which take enough emotional energy. This is one valid use of such meds because not everyone struggling with anxiety has an anxiety diagnosis. Their anxiety is dependent upon the situation. That is something to consider and ask your therapist about once you meet with them. Your primary care doctor should be able to prescribe you a basic anti-anxiety med.
Take care and keep coming back so that we can support you and know how you are doing! KA which stands for Kick Ass!
A lot of people love my mom and find her great and humorous, etc., and tell me what a wonderful lady she is. I don't argue with it, but I know she's damaged from a rough childhood and some sort of mental illness. Heck, as a little kid she'd apparently talk about committing suicide and do things to draw attention -- even bad attention was good because it was attention. Just sadly she and I don't get along well anymore.
She's cut off contact with everyone over the years. Every family member, and every friend. No friendship of hers is older than 10 years, and the oldest friendships are the most frayed; the newest ones are the happiest and dearest. She simply gets tired of people and finds fault with them and dumps them. I sometimes worry that in six months she'll hate her neighbors and think they stole from or gossiped about her and then she'll call with a whole bunch of harsh words and accusations and I'll be expected to drive her around and hear endless talk of how I abandoned and betrayed her, even though in the last 5 years she's probably written or called me about 10 times and told me never to contact her again!
But if she makes other people happy and they make her happy, so be it. More power to them. Sometimes you just have to live in now.
Yes, how dare us to put our family--husbands, kids, grandkids, or ourself, before our mothers. I got so tired of hearing "well, I am your mother", I can't believe you would do that over your mother. It makes me angry to write it. Ha! I am so glad I am not hearing that anymore.
Making some changes is difficult, it took me 5 years--well actually over 40 years, but the last 5 years were pure h*ll. I am so thankful that I was able to finally make those changes for myself and my family. One day at a time is all we can do. Nijny: I am glad to see you are finally searching for those changes. Now that you have time to sit and contemplate things, you will make the right choices for you and your family. Your mom will be just fine. I learned that the hard way, but we do not want to end up like them. Our health--mind and body, is just as important as theirs if not more important.
I wish I could respond to everyone. There are many great ideas, stories, and thoughts. My mom hasn't been very nice to the caregivers at AL and the director has had to talk to her about it. I try to keep up with what is going on without her knowing. Nothing has changed with her except she doesn't have me to use as a punching bag. My aunt hasn't been to my mom's in over a month and my mom hasn't called her either. I am sure she is lying in her bed in a pity party and pouting at everyone. She did a lot of damage in the first month I didn't talk to her. She blamed everything on me, of course, and called the bank, the attorney and tried to tell everyone I was cheating her and taking from her. Well, so far nothing has come of that. The bank did send her a statement. So now she sees I only pay out for her rent. I wish I didn't have to do that, but I am working on that too. I NO LONGER get her medicine and I no longer worry about it. She is very capable of calling the pharmacy and the doctor and when she can't do it, they do it from the AL for her. Yay for good caregivers. Even if it uses up all her resources. I will tell you that she will out live her money.
I had a friend to lose her mom this morning and another friend's dad had a stroke and they are just keeping him comfortable and waiting. Then there is my mom sitting in misery and making everyone else's life miserable. Who knows the reasons, but I am thankful every day I do not have to talk to her and can handle her business from a distance.--2 miles down the road...Ha!!
Good evening and it was so good reading everyone's post. Take care. One thing that I heard the other day from Joel Osteen made me think: He said, "Some say good morning Lord, thank you for another day" and some of us say, "good Lord it's morning"... ((chuckle)) I now try to say "good morning, Lord" instead of "good Lord it's morning"...There is a rainbow in every storm. Love to all!!