Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I've been busy with a new job, which I love, but it keeps me super busy most weeks.
I've had very little contact with my mom. I visited her on Mother's Day, and she's made friends with a neighbor who is getting her to socialize more and get out a bit. She seemed happy. Happier than she is around me.
I have thought of calling and checking in but I haven't. I keep feeling torn between daughterly duty and not wanting to hear the usual criticisms and accusations. Maybe I'll send a card. I hate to say it, but I enjoy not getting phone calls and letters, or going there to hear the accusations and hostile comments.
How is everyone else?
I recently retired and am trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to balance my life and not spend quite so much time at my mother's. It is weird to not be a principal anymore and to suddenly realize that I have been so involved with work and family that I have misplaced many of my friends. I have to start over in a way and I had better do it fast because otherwise I will be at my mother's too much and lose what I am hoping to rediscover about myself.
Cher, I hope your husband is doing ok after his treatment. Good decision to save yourself the stress of dealing with your parents.
Jewel, you sound so much stronger. Hope your daughter wasn't hurt by not getting a birthday card or gift from your mom. She probably sees what's going on pretty clearly.
Judda, you're not aiming for sainthood are you? Personally, I've stopped aiming for any kind of recognition that's "bestowed" on me by others. If my husband thinks I'm a great wife, that's wonderful. If my boss thinks I'm a great employee; fantastic. But that's no longer my goal. I focus much more now on what makes me feel proud of myself and true to myself, and if the right people are in my life, then their opinions of me will align pretty nicely with how I personally choose to live. Those who have a problem with how I live aren't people I should be around. Pretty simple.
Jude and Jessie - I'm sorry your mothers are SO....ARGH!!!! Jessie, what you said about being "keepers of the family shame" is so true. Even now, there are times when I want to "out" my mother, but I don't for various reasons. But one of the main one is that I still carry a bit of the burden of hiding things. And of course, the lack of understanding and the kneejerk condemnation from people really angers me, and I hate feeling angry for too long. It really saps my strenghth :)
So....not much here to report, things are still pretty much the same. Some good news is that my husband and I are going out of town for an entire WEEK! First time I'll have a full week off of work in about 5 years! We'll be visiting Washington DC for a few days, which I've never been to before, so that's exciting. And then we'll stay with his sister and her family for a few days. His parents are coming down to join us too. I love my husband's parents, and his sister is super nice too.
I need to drive down once more this weekend to my mother's house, to put a lockbox on her front gate with a spare key, just in case. I don't want to be out of town without taking care of this (still kicking myself for not having thought about this ages ago). As usual, I have to sneak around to do it. I can't let her neighbor across the street see me, so will park down the street. And I have to hide the lockbox from view, so my mother doesn't see it and get all argumentative and obsessive over it.
Last but never least -- my dog, who was bitten a week or so ago by a neighbor's dog, is fine now, yay! I just have to compile copies of the emergency vet bills and give them to the neighbors whose dog bit ours. Even though they were really great about everything, I still dread having to do this, but will just get it done and move on.
Hope everyone here has a good rest of the week :)
I think some of us were born to be keepers of the family shame. We can only get healthy if we realize that it is not us, it is them. But if we say things to defend ourselves, people say something to the effect that we are not being nice to our Mamas. That we ought to love and respect them. IOW, we are to still remain the keepers of the family shame. Boy, if we were ever to tell all the stories, people would really be shocked. If they heard the stories, however, it would be us blamed for telling them. I guess that is the point of therapy. (Therapy never worked for me. It may be because I would never talk about the things going on. I was very effective at hiding the family shame.)
Got back in and she started. Why did my daughter not underestand she was joking (I am go to ban that phrase soon) When I tried to explain to her it then became MY fault that I had brought my daughter up so badly and then WHAM from nowhere she said perhaps shes got that money you stole from me.
At this point I suddenly realised where the £5 had gone I gave it as a tip to a man who had GIVEN us a really nice corner unit and had broken it down into pieces that would fit in my car so I could get it home. He helped me carry it to the car and followed me to my house to help me get it out of the car, so I think £5 was nothing in the scheme of things .....he wouldnt take more although I did offer more.
The unit is now MY unit - I have replaced the £5 purely because and I quote 'that's more than a months wages and you gave it as a tip you stupid girl ....you had better replace it now' - not sure what decade Mum is in but its not 2015 that is for sure.
The afternoon continued with her moaning that she is left alone all day - well am I surprised? Nope she has annoyed her friends, been rude to her grandaughter and despite me being with her at least 3 hours a day just to chat with its still not enough. now to cap it all the Doneprezil while being great for her memory of some things is a nightmare re her sleep now just about 4 hours a night although she will doze during the day. Sleep when she does said the nurse.....FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF no dont say it Judith - they have no idea. Im just tired and want to sleep and now of course she is moaning because I am grumpy.
Sorry guys rant over again ...wonder if I could train myself to care while sleepwalking?
As I have stated that my mom didn't send my daughter a card for her birthday, how she just expected her to come by and know that she had something for her. NEVER sent her anything for her bday. I found out today that my mom sent her niece a graduation card and money. I am far from jealous, it is just that she found a way to send out a card to someone she never talks to, but can't find a way to send her own grand daughter something for her birthday. Then she has the nerve to talk about us.
Also, she is still in denial about what is going on. Still blaming me and saying that I have cheated her. She got a statement in the mail and sees that I haven't written anything to myself, only for her needs and still found something to complain about. I hope I never have to see her or talk to her. I think this even makes it easier for me to move a few steps forward.
Thanks again for listening.
I would not expect you or anyone else to be able to be like Mother Theresa overnight. Even Mother T worked hard to achieve her state of mind.
A saint is a sinner who never gives up.
In fact, a counselor I knew asked me once, "Why do you expect her to be any different?" I found it is healthier for your peace of mind to NOT hope or expect any change in your mother. Hoping someone will change is part of the dis-ease of this codependent or just unbalanced relationship.
I strive to keep my peace. Eat up those smores and time with your hubby, and anything that gives you that feeling of Ah Ha! Now I get a taste of who I am!
Let the negativity of your own feelings come and then let them go. They are emotional clouds in front of the sunny state of your soul.
This is so easy to write about, but not so easy to do. I know. I am practicing every day. I am very aware that the hurt and anger, the resentment, the protectionism that I habitually have in my thoughts are ONLY hurting myself.
Just moved to a better environment to nurture all of the above! Inner peace and joy wishes to all of us!
So now you deal with her on your own terms. Guilt is only an appropriate internal response if there is something she objectively needs from you, and that you owe her, that you're not giving her. You're dead right about things like collecting her meds: that's a great example of something that does need doing, but doesn't need to be done by you, at disproportionate inconvenience to you, when she has perfectly good alternatives.
So I'm really hopeful. If you can get through this, in the future there will come a day when you will be happy to visit her and she will be glad to see you. She'll still be her! - God forbid that anyone should try to turn her into some kind of cardboard cut-out - but because she won't be able to hurt you any more you'll find it much easier to accept her as she is, and that will leave you mental space to see the parts of her that you love, too. This is all healthy, all good. It'll be well worth the hard work.
For me, that particular kind of guilt was a lot more complicated. Guilt is very simple, and this mess was not simple.
I had to accept the fact that *I* cannot rescue her anymore. I have done a lot of rescuing for her since dad died in the 80s. I had run out of rescue, plain & simple.
Mom had programmed me to feel bad about being an individual, about having my own space, my own thoughts, my own opinions. I was supposed to be an extension of herself, not my own person. I had MAKE myself be OK with knowing what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and what I will and won't do.
I had to MAKE myself learn to say no and stop being a people pleaser. Other peoples' emotions about me and what I do is THEIR problem, not mine. Even mom. Especially mom.
Then I felt guilty about feeling guilty because I let her win when I felt guilty. Isn't that crazy? But it's true. It is a really destructive and sick thinking cycle to get trapped in.
Look at it this way. You have the emotional equivalent of a broken back. You need time, space, and support to heal properly. People with broken backs don't go out and do gymnastics the next day. Working with a parent who has issues is the emotional equivalent of doing gymnastics.
Rest, recuperation, protection, and time will heal you. Go literally write yourself a pass to get out of emotional gymnastics with your mother. When you think you are going to attempt a flip, read your hall pass. Go back to R&R and stay there until you are completely healthy!
Today the doctor's office called and left a message that they would be in town and wanted to know if it would be okay to stop and see my mom. I didn't call them back, I have told them to call her already and I am really trying to back off more. I do not know if they stopped by today and fine if they didn't. My aunt also was so upset last night when she left, that she didn't get my mom's medicine at the pharmacy. Oh well... my mom paid someone at AL to do it last week, she can do the same this week. I am really trying here. The more I back off the more guilty I feel. Hopefully, counseling with help with that.
My mom stopped by on my birthday as I guess a semi-peace offering. I figure I won't fight it. Her neighbors brought her by and there was no squabbling because it wasn't just her and me.
So on Mother's Day I stopped by, dreading it, because if I'm alone with her she invariably starts the trash talk. I actually found an old Xanax and split it in half and took before going there, which probably helped tremendously. But it went well.
My husband stopped in briefly after work, and we had a bit of soup she'd made, then he left and I lingered a bit. Her neighbor came by a bit, too.
The neighbor kept saying, "your mom is a sweet lady, so smart. I wish my mom had been more like her, because all my mom did was talk badly about people and complain about the past." I didn't say anything but inside I was laughing, because that describes my mom to a T.
But she likes her neighbors and hopefully they'll stay friends -- she never seems to keep friendships longer than a year these days. When I left she actually hugged me and apologized for the last squabble. That was ... surprising. I figure, oh well, leave on good terms. I'll be civil as best I can but I don't want to hear the "I'll kill myself if you don't get me cigarettes by noon" or any of that, or the accusations or trash talk. We've gone through it all before. Oddly, I didn't really feel close to my mom, though. It's been bad for more than a decade, but since we had a couple good days, I'll take them for what they are.
My aunt came to get my mom yesterday to sign the papers to settle out my grandmother's estate.--if we remember, she didn't want me anywhere near this since she don't trust me. It is my understanding my mom acted like herself at the bank. She speaks to my aunt and my uncle but says her thoughts out loud--and I mean she talks out loud. The bank is downtown and in a weird place--not much parking, etc. So after they go in my mom starts complaining to my aunt but out loud--"I thought it was the law they had to have handicapped parking?" "It is a shame you have to walk to get to the front door" "I have never seen a place that doesn't have a handicapped ramp" blah blah blah. She became angry because they asked my aunt to sign papers since she was named executor since my mom was ill and my uncle didn't have time to help out. My mom also complained about her signing the papers. "Well, I didn't need to come, this was a waste of time" on and on. Then she complained at my aunt and accused her once again for being the favorite and cheating her out of money and my grandmother's things. It is really sad that she truly believes this. I wish I could say it is her mind, but this is the true her. She is so much herself and it is really hard to be around. It just all brings back memories of how it always was and how it will always be.
Life was difficult when she was more ill, but seeing her 70% back to herself is much more difficult. At least before I could blame it on her illness. Now, it is just her.--the same mother I have had for 47 years.
Sandwich--That is hilarious!!! The page may end with "It's all about me"
or "It's your duty, no thank you needed".
Lonely and miserable a very sad situation. I cannot imagine how sad they are. I just will not be dragged down with her anymore. My husband reminded me on Mother's Day that I have done everything I can and that I should know that if something did happen to my mom that I can rest at night knowing that I would have no regrets. this is so true. My only regret is that I didn't stand up for myself years ago.
I've been having my mother's mail forwarded for going on two years now, so how she's getting information to mail donations is a mystery. I do UPS her her magazines, and always remove the cards inside so she doesn't re subscribe, but maybe she sees ads for charities and does it that way? The charities that advertise are reputable, and the dollar amounts aren't too worrisome, but it's apparent that she is doing this willy nilly.
And I would LOVE to be able to remove her checks, but she gets obsessive about them. She's gone through brief periods of check-writing, and then stops. So I am hoping she stops again. If I say anything or she notices they're gone, then there's a good chance she'll have her caregiver take her to the bank, and that is the last thing I want.
VStefans, yes, they are very unhappy people, and I do feel sorry for them for that.
If I wrote a book about "Narcissist Thank You Notes in History", it would be a book with one blank page in it.
I've had that stomach ache you describe. You should maybe take the checkbook, postage stamps, and debit card with you when you leave so they aren't so handy for mom anymore.
Can you have her mail forwarded to your house instead? That was the first thing I did with my mom when things were going south. She couldn't remember if she had mail or not.
The "phases" depend on the specific type of dementia(s) the person has. It's really just guesstimation based on certain behavioral and cognitive abilities gathered in studies over time. Like being able to draw ten minutes to 11:00 on a clock face.Or being able to tell if one shape is bigger or smaller than the others next to it. Being able to explain dosing directions, balance a check book, and independently prepare oatmeal on the stove. There are other tests, but these are common tasks. Google "dementia cognitive evaluation" and you'll get lots of samples.
I don't have kids, and this was the first Mother's Day that I didn't do anything except send her flowers, which were scheduled to be delivered this past Thursday. I will assume they were delivered and were lovely, since per my mother's usual behavior, she did not acknowledge them. Last year, I called the florist to confirm they were delivered ok, but this year, I just don't care.
My mother is still able to call when she needs/wants something. She called on Wednesday last week, so I know this for sure. She wanted to give me the knews that her sister died several days previously. I said, "Yes, __ called me and let me know. I'm sorry. How are you doing?" She sounded ok, but annoyed that I was already told. She said, "Well....she had a long life." She seems to have a harder time with open ended questions, I'm noticing. I said, "That's true." Again, I sense irritation coming over the phone. I think it's that continuous simmering anger and dislike she has for me, that I always felt, all my life, but could never put my finger on it (or just admit it). Now it's so darn obvious. Sigh.... Well, I can't say it's not mutual.
Anyway, she is perfectly able to call when she wants attention, sympathy, a favor, whatever. But to say thank you for a gift? Nope!
I'm preparing to drive down to her place next week, and will check things out while her caregiver is taking her to her annual checkup. I'll be drafting an update letter for the doctor this week, and when I'm down there, I have a list of things to do while she's out of the house. I need to check all her clothes and see what needs replacing. I have to get her sizes, and will measure the length of her pants w/a tape measure, in case anything I order needs altering. I have to check socks, underwear, everything -- ugh. The idea of doing this gives me a stomach ache.
She's also started to write checks again, to various charities, for various amounts. So I have to go through her papers and see what is getting through, and get rid of whatever it is.
And I will get a large trash bag and empty out her freezer a bit. It must be about to explode.
I think that's about it. I'll only have an hour, and being in the house panics me so much that I'll be racing around like a lunatic getting everything done, leaving no trace, and getting outa there.
Her confusion and forgetfulness seem to be getting worse, but nothing else as far as daily living skills. I have no idea what "stage" she could possibly be in - how are they able to determine that anyway, when every person seems so different?
I think sometimes you just want to vomit (not literally, obviously) all these thoughts and feeling out.
At that time I didn't know anyone else going through what I was. All my friends had younger mothers (mine had me at 35 and has a lot of bad habits -- drinking heavily for years, chain smoking, probable mental illness) so everyone else had this normal mom who they'd shop with or go have brunch with or who they could talk to and I realized I never had much of that. Sure my mom did things with me, taking me camping when I was a kid, etc, but I also had to play mom to her when she drank too much. Hell, I had to get the money she stashed under a mattress at age 16, so I could bail her out when she got a DUI, and all I could think of was, why am I doing this, especially since I was still in high school. Therapy is a great place to let all that out, why don't we have a more "normal" relationship, etc.
I was thinking with Mother's Day coming up, I'm not sure what to do. It's a bit more of a tense day for me. My birthday is always around Mother's Day, and to be honest I have some issues. I don't care if I have a party or whatever. I'm fine to go see a movie or enjoy some pizza with my hubby, but for so many years my mom has tried to take over Mother's Day and/or my birthday. One year she treated me to dinner and got falling-down drunk and I had to keep an eye on her -- I kept thinking it's my birthday and what do I want: For my mom not to order yet another beer. In some ways many years ago she tried to make it a nice day and I appreciated that, but in other ways she clearly made it all about her, buying gifts for me that she'd wanted herself, or buying the flavor of cake she liked and so on. Then I'd be trying to figure out the right thing to get her, considering her tastes -- she'd love a white purse because it screams summer to her, etc.
Now I'm lucky enough to have a husband who listens to me, and man, what a luxury that is, to mention a book by an author I love and to get it for my birthday. Just being listened to, to be heard!
I also vividly remember being very protective of my parents when discussing them. I think the first things I mentioned were how I "knew they loved me", "they did the best they could" and so on. It wasn't until maybe a year later, that it spilled out, totally surprising me. I said something about how my parents' relationship was "actually pretty twisted" or words to that effect. And from that moment on, well, I started to face things in a way I hadn't up to that point. It did feel weird and somewhat disloyal, but by the time those words came out of my mouth, I was ready to say them.
You dont have to remain a POA you know - have a look at the POA it should (if it has been done properly) give you the details of how to resign as POA and just to empower you further - there's not a damned thing your Mum can do about it except leave all her assets to a dogs home to spite you! If you accept that then resign hun and be freed from the ties that bind
I went to see the counselor today. I know I rambled on and on. Then I couldn't keep the conversation to one topic...too much to tell. She asked me about mother's day coming up and what my plans were. I told her I thought about sending a card and that was it. At first she suggested some other things, then into the conversation, she realized what we were dealing with and changed her mind--a card is sufficient. I would not send anything if it were truly up to me, I just feel guilty more if I don't. Eventually, I hope to get passed this and have some peace. In case you are wondering, yes, I made a second appointment. I cannot tell you, though, how hard it was. I felt like once again, I was going against my mom.--hopefully this will pass too. One other thing I learned from therapy today--I have an angel for a husband. I never thought of it quiet like this, but I really do. He may do other things that annoy me, but he is a saint to put up with my mom and my desire to please her so much. One good thing so far that is coming out of this mess!
Babalou--I am ready for NO POWER!! Even though she has all the power, I am ready to relinquish so much with her. Not just her bank account, but all the emotions and anxiety that goes with the abuse she has dished out for years.
Have a great evening, I plan on it too!!