Is it normal she's so negative?

Sandwich42: I am an only child also. My aunt helps out as much as she can but she lives over an hour away. She is my rock, my go to when I need to vent. She is a great listener and reminds me I have done everything I can. I like your answer too about I get to decide everything. You are so right. I do get to decide and that is what makes my mom soooo mad! I took my daughter with me on Mother's Day and it didn't go well either. My husband, bless his heart, opens mouth and inserts foot way too many times for me to take him. Thank you and hugs back to all of you.

Sandwich42 I loved your answer!! I too stopped visiting my dad without another person present (pre-move and zoloft) as it was too difficult. I love how you say "you get to decide everything".

jeweltone - nothing but hugs and sympathy from me. I'm an only child, mom's sisters do not a thing to help, and mom is negative to her core. Now my mom is diagnosed with cluster B personality disorder, which is different than just being negative, but it doesn't make your experience any less. It's HARD.

Watching the primary grown up who supposedly had things all together during most of your life, turn into a petulant 3 year old is HARD.

Don't try to do more than you can. If you get over there once a month, fine. If you get over there more or less often, fine. You get to decide how this goes.
You get to decide everything - how long you stay, how much bad juju you get to put up with in a visit.

I never visit my mom without my husband. He's the good one and I'm the bad one. Wild horses and a million dollars couldn't get me to visit her alone. Maybe if you have a buddy you can take with you most of the time, it will help.

Sometimes my mom will be distracted if I bring her candy or a balloon. Sometimes she isn't distracted and could not care less. She's on a big fat dose of Prozac. One day at a time sweet Jesus, as they say.

My aunt called my mom today to try to visit and she told her she didn't want company. She told her it made her too nervous. ((shrug)). They have puzzles in the common area at the AL. My grandmother loved to do puzzles so now my mom wont do them because she said my grandmother did them. We literally have tried everything. this woman is hopeless. I am feeling better being able to write about it.

I so understand Jeweltone. The distractions do help. Maybe substitute phone calls instead sometimes. Another idea as a distraction is to work puzzles together if you think that she would. Take care..hugs

Jeweltone, what you said about doing her hair while visiting to "keep busy" -- yes, I need distractions when visiting my mother for the same reason. I could never do anything requiring touch/body contact though. Partly because I can't stand the idea myself, and partly because she can't stand being touched either, particularly if there's any gesture of tenderness or affection. Yeesh. Deep sigh...
It's a shame these things take so much strategizing just to get through. You're doing really well though, learning your way through this, and staying aware of your own needs. Hugs :)

Your grandfather sounds like my mom when she truly believes something. They become obsessed. I have thought about "why" I do the things I do for her. Two reasons?? Maybe you are right in that I want to be the "good girl" that my mom never acknowledge before and number two because I want to be "good" in God's eyes too--once again needing to do the "right" thing. Maybe if I don't do her hair I will not have a reason to go. It will be too hard to just go visit with her. The visits are not pleasant and when I do her hair it keeps me busy and the time passes much faster. Who knows the why.. wish I did. My mom has always had this sense of entitlement. She has always been the type of person that you owed her something. She will say that I have changed. Yes, I have because I have stopped taking her abuse. Even though I have told her I am not taking it anymore, she still just don't get it. I do understand why though--the dementia. I got up this morning and can still see that face from yesterday. I would really like to put it behind me and pretend it (she) doesn't exist.

Try letting them do it. Maybe she will end up preferring it, but you'll never know till you try. Doing her hair sounds like a other burden and way for her to manipulate you and for you to feel like you are being the "good girl". Try to figure out why you keep doing it even when she tells you she doesn't like it. "Let it go and let others" should be your new motto. Lol. It's wonderful you have a friend to listen to you. We all need that. But still she's not skilled in the ways a therapist is who can give you ways to handle this. Even one or two sessions can be most helpful. It helped me. A great book to read is by Henry Cloud, "Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to say No".

Take a week's break before visiting her again Jewel. Really, that sort of bad behaviour needs to be treated exactly as you would do with a toddler - timeout! if you know she's being cared for sufficiently, just don't visit. She'll be fine. My grandfather was okay this weekend in terms of his negativity but he became fixated on my safety getting home after the visit to the point of becoming upset/obsessed about it and giving me $50 to take a cab. I made the mistake of telling him that I was going to do some shopping after the visit and that's what set him off "But it'll be dark when you get back!" , "don't do it- just go straight home!" "all the terrible things that happen in this city nowadays - yes they do! I read about them in the paper!" etc.

Harpcat: Yes, they have a beauty shop. That is where I take her to do her hair. They open it for me so I can wash and style her hair. I tell her each week to let them do it, but she always says "who knows how they will do my hair". Ironic, Huh? She doesn't like how I do it, or so she says. I am ready to let them do her hair, take care of her accounts, and anything else she needs. She already thinks I am a terrible daughter. I have given her so much of myself and have tried everything I can think of to make things better. I am learning the hard way to stop taking it from her. I do think she is shocked that I call her out on her behavior and walk away instead of just taking it like I did all my life from her. I do have someone I can air things out and today I called her and she helps remind me nothing will change it and I am doing the right thing. My mom did start letting the girl that does nails cut her nails. They need it again and I offered today, but she said no. Yay me. I was glad. Now just for the hair. I think my mom thinks if she lets them do her hair I may not have a reason to come back. Maybe I feel guilty because maybe she is right.

I think you did fine dealing with her. No you do not have to take abuse. Guilt is not a reason for taking abuse. Dementia or not, it's not good. I understand your need to want to move away. Truly you need a therapist you can talk to about dealing with her and also someone to just air things with, is that possible? Once when my dad called me and begin complaining about how my sister and I were handling things, I very calmly said "did you call me to yell at me?" That sort of shocked him because one, I was calm, and second, I called him on his behavior. I decided I would not take that from him. I asked you one other time if the ALF has a beauty shop so that they can do her hair. You should let them do it. She'll be sweet as pie to them. You need to take care of your self and set boundaries. Guilt means boundaries aren't set. I hope you'll think about these suggestions. It's a hard road and you need support.

Oh my gosh, Bless your heart, do you have the same mother? She sounds identical to mine and I am just exhausted. She can only complain and talk about herself and how awful everything is. I have no answers for you but want you to know that you are not alone.

**Update** Today was NOT a good visit! I went to do my mom's hair as I do every week. Each week it is the same thing. She complains about the same stuff, don't like her hair, don't like anyone at the facility, don't like this, don't like that... I can deal with it, because it is the same thing. Today, I decided to take her some candy from a local candy shop, bought her new pillows (that she requested), took her drinks that she likes, etc. I thought today will be a good day because she is getting some goodies. Was I WRONG! She complained as normal but after we did her hair, she told me she was hungry. I asked her if there was something I could go get her. She yelled, I can't eat. I ignored it and said, let's think of something we might want to eat. She yelled (screamed) I CAN"T EAT!! I looked at her and said, "please don;t yell at me". She gave me a more evil eye and said, "why do you talk to ME that way?" I didn't talk to her in any manner but calm. Years ago I would have just taken it, but I am learning not to. Then out of the blue she said, "you don't want me at your house". I reminded her I didn't have room. She said, ïf you had a mansion as big as this building you wouldn't take me home with you. I told her that was her opinion and I would bring her home with me. I asked her if that is why she was so upset with me, because I can't move her in with me. She went on about how I wouldn't anyway. I told her it was time I go, and she told me to get out of here and to take my nasty candy with me. I left the candy and as I went out the door she was still yelling at me. Whew. I wanted to cry. It is hard when I know she feels like she thinks. She truly believes what she says. This is when I wish I lived in another state and would have the excuse not to be able to go visit. She knows I am right down the road. Literally 2 min away from her. I once again feel guilty because I left. I just cannot and will not take her rudeness anymore. Thanks for listening.

Mainemom: That is so true. I have even questioned my mom's diagnosis so many times because she seems so "normal" at times. Then I sit and think how her looks are not normal for her now, her ability to go out, get dressed, pick out her clothes, etc. is not normal. My mom doesn't call me anymore either. She called my daughter one day about three months ago (only because the number was beside the phone) and she couldn't remember my number and my daughter gave her my number. My daughter had to repeat it at least 5 times and my mom wrote it down. If I needed to call the number she wrote down, I would have not reached anyone. It was all over the page. Her writing is not legible now and when you can make out letters, the wording doesn't make sense. She can recall a movie though. How this works I really don't know. so many things aren't explainable and I think that's why anyone has a hard time believing it is true dementia. Looking back, my mom was in her early 60's as well.

When my mother was first diagnosed with dementia 5 years or so ago some people would argue and say that she was just going through normal aging. I knew it wasn't normal aging especially since she was only in her late 60's. Anyway the doctor explained that your brain was like a computer and stored things that you remember in your memory. If you forget something which we all do is normal and can usually be remembered with a simple prompt. The difference is that with dementia we forget how to do things that we have always done such as with driving forgetting to stop at a stop sign or red light and not even realizing it afterwards. Or forgetting how to dial a phone, using a remote etc. My mother has a hard time using a phone. One time she called me and was talking on the answering machine but she thought she was talking to me. Her phone had an echo and when she said hello she heard hello back and didn't know it was an echo. Also when I went to her house one time her phone was in the charger upside down! To me that is not normal aging.

juddabuddhaboo I agree, I have been trying to get back to my positive self and change the way I look at things. I have already told my children, 23 and 15, that if I get that way, I don't mean it. I am telling them now so hopefully they will remember I didn't want to be that way. I do pray everyday for a healthy mind and body. I love yoga! My mom would not be open to it and that is fine, I am learning to let her be. It sucks way to much of my energy to try anymore. I do what I feel I am supposed to and working on the rest. I started yoga about three years ago when I saw big changes and I needed a safe place to go. It was a great way for me to relax and be away from it for at least 45 min. I had been so busy I have lost touch with it and working my way back.
Jazmine1: Good for you. I have read that it is normal to lose our keys, misplace items, and forget what we were doing. It is abnormal not to remember it later. I have to remind myself of that too. On the Today show the other day they discussed what was typical/atypical. The doctor on the show stated are brain has glitches just like our phone or computers. All of this is normal as we age. I am 46 but see it happening more. Maybe because I am dealing with my mom I see it more because I know what to look for. I am not worried at this point. I am working toward getting my life back and being happy and peaceful!!
Thank you all for your input. I look forward to reading!!

The on set of all dementia's can be as long as 20 years with some. The expected growth is far to much. I do know that the WHO (World Health Organization) has pledged the most money so far to find a cure. I am in school for Human Services so I can be a part of the process due to my mother's condition. I hope to advocate for families, helping them deal, cope and learn how early organizing is so important. The anger, is coming from the confustion being tired, and frustrataion in not being able to convey as we do. I say Amen to all caregiver's, this is a road that is long, sad and can be lonely for some. I beleive that much of the problem is that some times, not all of the time early
diagnoses is missed. As this may make all of us worry the next time we lose our keys we too are ailing, I know I lose mine all the time, yet,I have to hide most things away from her or she will find it and hide anything. I wish all uf us a big hug, and peace when we can achieve it.

I've recently begun saying to myself in many situations, "It maybe possible, but is it LIKELY?" I'm usually thinking about the potential for personal change, or winning the lottery, lol ;)

I am paraphrasing him but Paramanhansa Yogananda said that human thought creates grooves in the brain, like the old records. If one has been a complainer all their life and self centered (mental illness or not) that groove is hard to change, but it's not impossible. For those who still have willpower, who might see they have a choice in what to think, and to be able to connect that people move away from them with their negative behavior, they CAN change. And there is a lot of natural means (this is my thinking now) that can influence the mind and pave the way to better health and positive thinking.

Jeweltone, yikes, 69 mother being so negative! That's young. Maybe young enough to see a Naturopath and try some nutrition helpers, yoga or Tai Chi, or things that induce a happier mind. But I know if she isn't open to it, nothing will help. My mother, has NEVER enjoyed relaxing! She refuses to be with her deeper self and often uses the statement, "I need distractions."

Interesting, isn't it?

The good news is that if we build a deep record track of positive thoughts now no matter what comes to us, it will not be as awful as our elders experience. Pray for their shift in consciousness.

Frances54, I like your ploys! My mom also turns every thought into a woe is me as well. I admire your efforts.

Amen, juddabuddhaboo!

It's so sad so many elderly get so negative, depressed, so depressing and angry that they drive people away. I don't know how people can work with them. What's the percentage of that behavior in that population? I can't believe that it is inevitable that humans cave in to such defeat and bitterness. It's a great lesson for us to take a vow of cheerfulness and to be different in the way we believe is a better way. To deal with the issues of what's death, and do I ever have to let go of my ego? To consider the unforgettable beauty of humility versus the vain pursuit of being right, making others miserable...etc.

I saw a 90 year old Indian mother of a friend of mine. She as visiting from India. She was so frail in ther white sari and held a bright red rose in her knarled hands.
She and I were with a group of devotees who were there to commemorate Paramahansa's visit to Newburyport in the 1920s. We each had a rose to toss in the ocean to remember this great master. The elderly woman turned to me and said softly, "Pray for peace. Peace for the world." That's the kind of elderly person I want to be.

That is what my mom was diagnosed with too, frontal lobe. That is where the reasoning skills are. My mom does not understand so many things. She gets obsessed with the thermostat. She wants to know why they make it so difficult, when really she just doesn't know how to use it. What is sad, my mom lived by herself and was VERY independent until 3 years ago. She went down hill very fast. She has plateaued now. We went through many changes in 3 years (actually looking back, it has been about 6 to 7 years) didn't notice what the changes were all about until now.

My mother doesn't live with me. She in an assisted living facility in our town, but she wants me to come over all the time. She has been diagnosed with frontal temporal dementia a few years ago. She is also very depressed. She gets very confused and in a fog a lot of the time. I feel bad for her that she has this and have a lot of anger. It is hard for all of us because you can't have a normal conversation with her and she doesn't understand a lot of things that you would expect her to know. It is really sad. Well, thanks for listening.

Ha ha..I think I am losing it too sometimes and my kids will laugh and say really? you are worrying me. My mom is not on antidepressants. They have tried everything. only xanax works some. The doctor told me that it is patchy when dealing with dementia and depression. She will tell me she is depressed. She
knows enough to know something isn't right. Being that she is 69, I know we can go through this a long time. I am slowly trying to back away. I am an only child it makes it hard, but it seems some have sisters that won't even help. I believe I would get a caregiver to come in and help out. If there is any money to do this with, absolutely do it. You need a break! It is hard to take a break, believe me, but getting away is very necessary. I cannot imagine living with my mom all the time. I thought about it, but doctors talked me out of it. Smart move. My mom also is paranoid that we are always talking about her. So, yes, once again I feel guilty talking about it on here. But I know she doesn't know.

Mine oh bother, I am losing it too.

I mean't to say your mother sounds a lot like yours.

Jewel tone : thank you for your response. My mother sounds a lot like mine. She is very self - centered now since she has had dementia. I know it's not her fault but I wish she would understand that I have a life too and it isn't all about her. It's always "poor me". I guess I just need to accept the way she is because it is not going to get any better.

I know what you mean about the negativity. My mother constantly complains about my father, the neighbors, the doctor, you name it. It has gotten to the point that I avoid being with her for any length of time. Once during a long car trip I told her that since I couldn't do anything to fix the problems and it was depressing to me to have to listen to the same rant again and again and that she cold say one more negative thing and after that each time I just changed the subject. I refused to engage with her and looked for something to distract her. I call it "Ooh, Shiney" to myself, like shaking a toy to distract a toddler. I don't even address the issue she is complaining about, I just bring up a new topic about her family, or her childhood, etc. She often manages to turn one of those topics into a complaint, but I shake another shiney object and move on. Hope this helps.

It's probably normal to be thinking about something that will be your own fate soon. A number of my grandfather's close friends/ acquaintances have died over recent years and when I am in that situation, I know I'd be thinking about it a lot too. I don't really see it as negativity though - just him trying to come to terms with things.

lisarusso - (((((hugs))))) sounds like your mum needs hired caregivers or to be placed in a facility as care giving is getting too much for you. Your mum sounds like many on this site in that there is nothing you can do to please her. You are not responsible for her happiness - or any one else's happiness except your own. If your doc is saying something must change for your health's sake, then something must change. Other have made commitments - thinking they could look after a parent till they passed and have not been able to keep that promise. Tell your sis that if she doesn't step up - and give her some very specific suggestions like X days a week, or evenings or whatever works for you, that you will be looking a placing your mum in a facility, as you can not continue as you are. If your mum has Alz or some other dementia (she sounds paranoid) she may need a facility in the future anyway. Who has POA -your dad or you? You could leave - just be sure to give your sis decent notice of when! Can your parents afford to bring in some caregivers to give you a break? Is your dad a vet. VA can help, also the local agency on aging and Social Services as well. You need some help soon! Good luck!