Is it normal she's so negative?

My mom constantly says she wants to die.,everything that comes out of her mouth is negative. My sisters and I have told her that it hurts us to hear her talk that way. I am the only one that lives with her so it's 24/7. When she talks to my sisters she puts on a show, but as soon as she hangs up she goes back to her old ways. I try so hard to make her happy by taking care of her and the house, nothing seems to make a difference. She is so cruel to me sometimes that I want to just get in the car and leave, go as far away as possible. My dr. Said something needs to give or I'm going to end up sick' I've tried taking her on outings, to get out of the house, she has no desire to do anything, she is on antidepressants but they don't seem to help. She swear like a sailor ( never did it before) and screams at my poor father,she told my dad that he likes me more than her. My dad and I can't even have a five minute talk without her thinking were conspiring against her. I agreed with my sisters that we would take care of our parents until the end, but I'm the only one thats doing it! I've tried to get my sisters to pick up the slack to no avail. My sister told me if,something happened to me she would step,up, so,what,do I have,to,do? Die? I'm losing it

My mom talks and thinks about dead people a lot..that was her family and friends and my dad..so she feels connected to them and her past life not her current life where she does not have friends and I am her only family. I think it is pretty normal, and not anything to worry about. I am new to the forum and everyone is super helpful. I understand so many of your feelings and I just wanted to say that counseling helped me tremendously. Especially with feeling guilty and understanding my boundaries. Wishing you all the best.

Yes, thank you. I am so glad too. I enjoyed the rest of the day with my dad, husband, inlaws and kids. She tried her best by even asking me if I could take her home with me. I was nervous but said no. She never asks that, but I know with it being father's day, she would try to manipulate it. I DID NOT let her..:-)
kazzaa--yes, unfortunately, it will probably get worse. I have said the same thing, I want to run away and yes, I feel guilty for thinking it--but one day, we will get peace. I do feel guilty for wanting to be able to enjoy my life, but I know that is what we are supposed to do. Life is way too short for all this misery. My mom doesn't understand why everyone around her isn't as miserable as she is. Today while doing her hair one of the ladies stopped by the salon and talked to us. Before she entered the door my mom said, "oh lord, here she comes". Dreaded for the nice lady to stop in (even though she tells me no one talks to her, not true). The lady is 84 a retired teacher and full of life--i just love to talk to her (we have teaching in common) her hands are crippled with arthritis and she still tries to paint. She talks with a shaky voice and sounds just like Audrey Hepburn--love it. She was sharing some stories and my mom tried to stay focused and seem interested (believe me, it was great to have someone else in the room). After she left, my mom said, "how does she walk and how does she get dressed with her hands like that?" How does she get up and going? My mom just doesn't understand why this lady doesn't just complain like she does. Grant it, this lady doesn't have dementia. She just doesn't want to live alone and loves the AL facility. Something my mom said today that has kind of disturbed me though. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe you can give me some insight. She started crying (as usual) and said, "all I have thought about is dead people". when I asked her what she meant/to explain it she just repeated herself, "I am thinking of dead people". Her mother died at 90 in October and I asked her if it was mamaw. She began to tell me of a lady she worked with years ago, and other people I hadn't heard of before. then she did say she keeps seeing my grandmother in the casket..grant it, a few weeks ago she couldn't remember going to the funeral and would cry that she didn't go. I am confused and have not heard of someone thinking of "dead"people.

jewel - glad you didn't feel any guilt. Your mum sounds narcissistic. ((((hugs))))

kazzaa - sadly, it will only get worse... (((((hugs)))) to you too

She said, "well, I just will be here alone".

MaineMom--my mom does the same thing. If I say, "i need to get home and fix dinner", she will say--"can't they fix something themselves"? Uugh! That makes me so mad. Even though I don't say anything, I want to so bad. I usually just say, well, maybe they can, but it is my job to do it for them. I did go today and do her hair and I told her I needed to leave because it was Father's Day. She didn't like it a bit. But honestly I was able to leave and not feel guilty for once.

Terrible isnt it that we feel guilty for wanting to be happy and have a life? My mum is getting more and more negative if thats possible and all i can think of is running away one day with my cat! You never appreciate life until its been put onhold and you feel trapped! One day we will be at peace thats what keeps me going kinda!

That's good that your mum said 'come tomorrow'. I think my grandfather is picking up a bit. I've had a terrible cough/cold this week and was dreading making the call that I wouldn't be able to visit on Sunday. I called him and needn't have worried. he wasn't agitated at all, could hear the 'thickness' of my voice and was happy when I said I will come next week. most importantly, he did not complain at all although he did say he didn't make it to his appointment because he felt too weak (but only when I asked so I don't count that as a moan). He sounded happy and had seen a cousin during the week who took his car.

My biggest question is about her meds. Have they added or changed since she went into the NH? Check that out FIRST. Some meds can cause personality changes. For example my aunt, who was usually cranky started biting people and stripping down in the hallways when she was put on Haldol to alleviate the crankiness.

Jazmine1-- My mom just moved in al in march. They don't have memory care yet, but it is in the works. The residents at AL will have first chance at the memory care facility. Her memory isn't so much the issue. She does get confused and tells things I know aren't true, it is mostly loss of reasoning skills and some short term. I do keep in touch with facility and trust their word. Tomorrow being father's day, she will want me to come because she will manipulate me from my dad and husband. My parents are divorced.

Jewel tone my mother is like that to my children to who are 15 and 18. She wants me to be with her all the time and doesn't take in account that I have to cook supper for my family and all the other things I do as a mother. She acts disgusted when I tell her I have to go to the boys baseball games or track meets like I shouldn't let them do so much.

I have been taking care of my mother for 6 years, and everytime I think it could
not get any worse it does. She is angry a lot, and has desire to have me have
any kind f life. I have found that at times she is aware of what she is saying, and when I leave the room when she gets too mean, she at times will come in
and apalogize. They will say thay have not eaten, been out etc... even though
they have. Your family needs to be taken care of, as well as you. JUST knowing
she is safe, eats, and is kept clean, is important, and also realize she will forget
when you have been there, try to keep in touch with one of the caregivers at the facility, to find out how she is really doing, most of the information has to be documented. Also, it may be time for a memory facility, rather than assisted living, if that is where she still is. They have better programs, and documentation than assisted living facilites.

This is funny you mentioned surgery. Two years ago when she started getting worse, I did have to have hernia surgery. It was a bittersweet break. I enjoyed not having to go to her home and grocery shop and clean and listen to her complain. I really thought when she moved to the AL it would be a big break for me. While it is a break from what I was doing, her negativity is still there. I called again today and asked if she was ready for me to come do her hair and she said no, come tomorrow. Well, ok. Great! I have another day at home away from the constant nagging. Harpcat, I think you are right. I have seen a huge personality change in my mom even though it has just intensified. My mom never complained about ailments like she does now either. She never was sick, never threw up, never had a headache, nothing--(no joke). She was always well, at least she never said anything. Now, everything is wrong...look at my hands, I can't walk (yes, she can), I cant eat (yes she can), I can't see (went to eye dr, yes she can- only readers at 69) I had a doctor tell me last summer that anything that may have bothered her before and she never spoke of it, will only be worse now and everything will be wrong. Everyone tells me these things, but when I talk to her, I feel like it is just my old mom being her nasty self. The difference I do see is she is no longer pristine, proper, driving, going where she wants, being social, none of the things she used to do. She quit driving on her own 2 years ago when she drove 1 hour to my house from her house and was a nervous wreck when she arrived. I had to drive her back home and she never drove again. Sometimes now she will say, I think I can drive. Well, now her license are expired. I just tell her the doctors won't let her. Harpcat, I am also in agreeance with you on being a better person myself. I have let a lot go and even my daughter, 23, will say you would have never let our house look like this, or about my 15 year old son--you would have not let me let my room get like his. A lot has to do with me being so busy with her these past 3 years and a lot of it is due to letting my mom not control how I think I am supposed to keep house, raise my children, and be toward others. I am living freely now to do what I wish and how I wish. Other than living in soul dread and guilt. Even though the guilt does not come from me thinking I am doing wrong, because I know I am and have done everything I can think of to take great care of my mom. Even other family members tell me they don't know they could do all I have done. I still have children at home--(in college and high school now). My mom thinks I should drop everything to do for her.--again can you say narcissistic?
It feels so good to write it, I just need to believe it. The filter is definitely gone...she didn't have much of one to start with, but now, shew she even says the most terrible things to my son. She says he is spoiled right to him, something she would have never done. If he is on his phone when we go visit, she always makes a comment about it. But doesn't say too much to my daughter, just him. I finally don't make them go anymore. My mom will say, my grandchildren never come anymore, I just say they are busy. I do not go in to detail about how she is mean to them. I am ready for the beach or somewhere far away for a while. My husband and I went away in the fall for our anniversary and she threw a fit. She didn't like it one bit. I heard about it for days.

Jeweltone..I think that was a good decision to not try to talk your mom into washing her hair. I applaud you for that and just let it go. Doesn't the AL facility have a beauty shop on site? Most do…and if so, I would get her scheduled with the stylist and have her go there. That way it's an outing and she can socialize. One less thing to deal with on your end.
My sister who is a geriatric nurse practitioner, said she learned in her education that a whatever trait a person had when younger will only intensify when they are older. Hence, so many negative parents become even more so and especially with dementia when the "filter" is gone. So if this experience with my dad has taught me nothing, it's taught me to take a good hard look at myself and how I interact with others and the world. I believe I learned some of his traits early when I was a child and I'm working hard on myself to feel gratitude rather than complaints. Research does show it helps in aging well. So I am actually grateful that he's moved here…I might not ever have noticed this in myself.

You need a break - Try telling your Mom you need surgery and will be gone for a few weeks and you will find someone else to come fix her hair while you're gone. This is a simple statement so maybe your Mom can grasp the concept easier than a big explanation. You both have some time away from each other. Who knows - maybe your Mom will be okay with this other person fixing her hair and can be something you can continue doing moving forward.

To I love mom:... Yes, being positive is difficult I know. My mom has been negative most of her life. She always saw the glass 1/2 empty. I believe to some extent this has attributed to her dementia. She is only 69 and had so much going for her. She was so talented...she was an excellent cook--(cant stand food now), she could knit, crochet anything just by looking at it. She was wise and very well put together. Always pristine in her looks and home. She always wanted everything perfect (but complained about it)...on and on. Now she can't do any of those things and I know it makes it hard because she knows enough to know something isn't right. Try really hard to think of things in a positive manner for yourself. I do in every aspect of my life except my mom. She has sucked the energy right out of me. I have my master's in guidance counseling and I teach. It is true that when we first look at a situation the first thing we do is judge either positive or negative. Then we take time to think about what we thought. Try to see the good in things before you end of ill yourself. Maine Mom: I am with you. My mom is always me me me, what about me, look at me, what if you were me? on and on. I pray everyday that I keep a healthy body and mind.

Yes I take her out to eat or go shopping and over to my house for dinner once a week but whatever I do it is not enough. If we go to a store it's "oh I wish we could stay longer" or If she comes to my house she wants my undivided attention which I can't always do or think I should have to. If one of the kids is watching tv she expects them to change it so she can watch what she wants to watch etc.. She also doesn't understand a lot of things so I try to explain it to her. It is like a parent child role reversal. She wants to eat sweets and candy all the time too and when I tell her it isn't good for her she gets defensive and says, " I can't do anything!! I can't live!!" then a little while later she will complain about her teeth and how awful they are and how she has trouble eating. I am like well maybe you should stop eating so much candy. She does not want to hear that and says I am picking on her.

Can you take your mom out? My mom is getting less mobile, but I tranported erh to the beauty sdalon, and had her hair done. It was sketchy, but got it done. Then took her lunch, she loved her milkshake....if you can get her out once in awhile that may help. I see mom once a wekk, and i don;t call. she is one mile away from me. sometimes i go more than once.

I can relate to all of these comments too. My mother is in a new assisted living home too and she has the same mindset: complaining, negative, self-centered, and no empathy. She has frontal-temporal dementia so her short term memory is very very short. It is very stressful to go over there to see her because nothing is ever good enough. She hates the food, complains that she never sees anyone, never goes anywhere, is lonely, doesn't have any money, can't do this cant't do that..... But the reality is that I take her out two or three times a week to do shopping and out to eat and call her all the time. She is in a really nice facility and everything is done for her. The staff and residents are all very supportive and nice but she is never happy. She tries to make you feel guilty although I don't that is her intent but I have told myself not to feel guilty because I am doing all I can do. I also work and have two active teenagers to take care of. She is negative and complains all the time. Everything is Me, Me, Me!!!! It is very depressing and stressful. She also says I am picking on her or arguing with her all the time when I am not. She'll ask me something and after I answer her she'll say "I know!!" defensively. Ugh! It makes me feel negative after I am around her and then I take it out on my family. I am trying to deal with it but it is hard.

People call me "Patty Pooper", they say i always bring down the mood.. One must make an effort to say something nice about anything or anyone,, Negatvivity is easier to throw out, especially when you get in that bad habbit. So, today I am going to say something positive to anything. Maybe the cat will be a good starting point....

To answer your question, Yes, it is "normal", for you to become the enemy. Dementia ....ah!....I also deal with the same issue with my husband & with clients. Negativity as well as Joy all are a part of it. I'm dancing the dance with you. I am a trained professional in the field-matters not .....it is a moment by moment thing. BE GOOD TO YOU....best advice I would give you....

I found the trick to getting my Aunt, whom also has dementia, to accept new things is to get her friends(peers) to talk positively about those things.

Thank you harpcat...the doctors have tried many different antidepressants with her. At this point nothing seems to work. The only thing that seems to keep her in a less anxiety state is xanax. Without that, she is really a mess. When she doesn't take it for a couple of days. she is worse than ever. She will say things that don't make sense and repeat herself over and over. It is weird how a little white pill can make a difference. The other medicines they had her on didn't really show any improvement. They also tried respirodone (not sure of spelling). That was terrible, it kept her up for 3 days straight. She paced the floor and got whelps after two days of not sleeping. She also tells me I am trying to kill her with the medicine I put in her pill box. she only takes xanax (generic to be exact), an acid reflux medicine and aleve. We try to get her to take the anti-anxiety at least two to three times a day, but she refuses. Morning is all she will take it. Before she went to AL and I was staying with her and had a caregiver helping while I worked, she took it minimum 2 times a day. Now at the AL they can't administer the medicine so I put it in a box. She only takes morning and leaves afternoon. They do come by for a reminder and encouragement, but she tells them she already took it. I so agree with you about wanting approval from our parents. It is hard to see when she is smiling with one of the girls from AL and I walk in and literally the frown comes out of no where for the rest of my visit. I called yesterday and she told me she didn't feel like washing her hair and for the first time I didn't try to talk her in to it. I said ok and we hung up. I am up early this morning knowing I need to call again to see if she feels like it, but I don't really want to. I am tired of the dread in my soul. Then the guilt sets in that I feel that way. Thanks again.

Jeweltone, I just read one of your replies and there is something in what you wrote that I want to comment on. You said " I know she is safe and content, it is just hard when she makes me feel like it is my fault she is so miserable. I try to bring up activities that I know are going on the following week at the center and she will ask, "how did you know about that?" she really don't want me to know. I realize I am not responsible for her happiness, I just wish I could make mine better by not feeling so guilty."
This is where I think counseling with someone might help you but she can TRY to make you "feel guilty", (that's called manipulation) but only you can feel guilt from yourself. You need to find a way to not absorb and take on what she wants to project on you. Guilt is unreasonable because you've done nothing to feel guilty for. You say you tell her about activities...stop. The staff has told you she is participating in things...let her do as she wants, you need to understand you are not dealing with a person who wants or cares for your advice. You hit the nail on the head when you said you're not responsible for her happiness. Bingo! Once you can let go of that need to mother her or control the situation to bring about an outcome that is impossible, you will feel a weight lifted. Have a mantra you say before seeing or calling her like "none of this is my fault or in my control. She is who she is" and then say the same mantra after your visit. We all would like a lovely life with our parents but sadly it just isn't always so and wanting our parent to like us is buried deep in our psyches. This is why even abused children still want the love and approval of the abusive parent. So parent yourself. See about getting her on an antidepressant and get yourself to a talk therapist for a better understanding. Your happiness is deserved. I can tell you are a lot like me and this is where I speak from. So much of what you write could have been written by me six months ago. Even now I have to step back and try not to control my dad's life and feel like I need to make him happier than he is. I realize this is long, but please know it's written from a "kindred heart". Take care of yourself by learning coping skills. Blessings

Yes your feelings are perfectly normal! No one wants to be with someone who is toxic or negative. They are energy vampires and it's very wearing. And add to it that she's your mother and you feel you should be in her life so there's that to contend with. My dad has early dementia and when we first moved him to a lovely place, he too complained all the time. Broke my heart. I hate to sound like a broken record because I mention this all the time, but getting him on an antidepressant made a world of difference. He is a different person now. Everyone notices it. Less self centered, more engaged and actually says nice things about his life and wear he lives. Not bathing can be the dementia and/ or a sign of depression too. I would suggest you get some ways to help you cope with her to protect your emotional stability by having a visit or two with a therapist. You have done what's right for her, don't let her try to manipulate you or guilt you. For her, you are an easy target as her child. God bless you.

The AL does change her bed sheets once a week, washes her towels/linen, and clean her apartment. They highly encourage her to change her clothes/well pajamas. After 1 1/2 weeks, they practically make her. I used to make her do it every week and wash off, but it became such an argument and unpleasant, I stopped. They take her around the building for a walk each day--even though she tells me she never gets out of her prison walls. The sad thing is my mom is only 69 and will probably live another 20 years in such a terrible state of mind. I am waiting for the moment she forgets everything and that way she won't realize how miserable she really is. Since it is frontal lobe, the doctor told me she may never totally lose her memory. Short term memory, reasoning skills, and ability to care for herself are the main issues with her right now. She went way down hill fast in the past 3 years but has now plateaued.

I agree with jeweltone. Just last night, my brother had called and I suspect he called to chew her out about one thing or another because she looked pretty dark after the call and was acting more scattered than she'd been, earlier in the day.

With a kind of pleasant and neutral look, I went over to talk to her about whether she felt up to setting the table for supper and she made some generally rude remarks. I continued to look as pleasant as possible and just re-asked it, basically. She eventually kind of snapped out of it and we had an ordinary conversation where she did focus on the conversation (not easy for her, every day).

Obviously my mom isn't as far along as others but I do still have to kind of have to do that. But, like jeweltone's Mom, my mom gets annoyed by my positive or sometimes just non-negative attitude. She does also take her frustrations out on me. I'm her caregiver, the representation of the loss of her independence, which she does resent a bit. Most days, she still knows enough to appreciate it. Other days, everything is my fault and I'm an awful person. As she progresses, I wonder if some day that every day will be a bad day where everything is my fault, but I'll have to wait and see how her condition progresses.

Yes, agree with ilovemom, although elder abuse is a very real phenomenon, you want to make sure that any accusations are also taken with a grain of salt with this type of personality if you can't see any physical evidence of decline or abuse. When I called my grandfather the other day he answered the phone in a sprightly enough manner but as soon as he heard my voice, it changed to a 'long-suffering' weak tone. He has also had himself admitted to hospital a few times before moving just to get my aunty to fly over at short notice . She was furious! Luckily we don't have a car at the moment so he hasn't tried that with me lately but when we did, I was called a few times in the middle of the night to go to the hospital immediately as they thought he wasn't going to make it .It was a real condition in one instance though- he tore a hole in his oesophagus with a cracker. The second time he was convinced it was pnuemonia and he was in there for a week but it turned out to be an anxiety attack (what every subsquent hospital admission has turned out to be). Not entirely convinced that he doesn't do it to get people running - but not sure because I know that it is a common phenomenon at that age too.

My mom and aunt are within a 2 mile radius so I can stop in when I need to. Mother's day, the one weekend I decided to leave town, I get a call, your mother won't wake up. I drove like a bat outohell 1-1/2 hours to get back to her. Hawaii will have to wait.....She was fine. she sleeps more soundly now.....

Yes, it's normal. Let her get adjusted, pop in once a week. Call caretakers and get updates from them. Tell your mom you love her. Are they cleaning and changing her clothes? If not, then you may need to look into a board and care/6 pack.... I don't know what state you live, but the ones here, I looked up on the internet, chose the ones near me, and stop in unnannouced.. Yes, stop in without notifiing anyone see how your mom is being treated......