Is it normal she's so negative?

I am having a very senior moment. Who is APS? i have an accuantance that is living in very bad conditions. She refuses any help. I was talking to someone close to her and she needs reporting to someone so maybe she will allow someone to come in to help her. Who would be the agency to report thih to?

What Golden said, Jewel. You can call her, and you can say "no" to what she asks you to do, too. Talk to your counselor.

You write her just as you did here. Doesn't matter that she is your mother. She is a person regarding whom you have had to draw very firm boundaries because of HER behaviours/problems, not yours. Yes, she is your biological mother but she has failed to be a nurturing mother showing you love, and affection. You do not owe her anything, no matter what she thinks. It is your right to accept that gift or not, to speak to her or not, and so forth. Remember she has not changed, you have - in a healthier direction. Keep going in that direction.

It doesn't stop here.... Today my mom called me and left a message. I could have thrown up. That scared little girl stopped in her tracks as she listened to the message. She said, "it's mommy, I need you to call me". Then she proceeded to give me her phone number. I cannot tell you how I feel about it. After talking to my aunt, I realize she may "need" me to do something for her. She got mad at my aunt on Monday and told her not to come that she would get a taxi to get to the bank. My aunt called her again on Tuesday and told her she could take her and my mom told her NO she wasn't going. She gets mad and her pride sits in the way. So now guess who she is calling??? Me! I really need some advice on what to do. I do NOT want to call her after all I have been through and trying to get away from. I would love to just write a note to her and let her know I received her card and the money, but I cannot except it and that I am not ready to talk to her. How in the world do I put that in words to "MY MOTHER".... remember...I have heard that all my life, Well, I am your mother. As the counselor said, "what does that mean?"... I realized today while talking to my aunt that means---in my mom's eyes that she is above me. She is higher than me. She will always rise above me and I am to remember that.

Thank you!!! The peace does come with a price, but it is so worth it!

During church today I also had another realization.--It is not me she needs to find peace with, it is not me that she needs to make it right.... I realize I do not need to make it right with her either, I have already made it right in the place I need it to be right--my higher being (my salvation in my Savior)

Jewel, I'm so glad you are finding peace.
It occurs to me that narcissistic parents are like little kids who've never grown up emotionally. Where emotionally mature parents raise their children to become more independent each day, and take pride in seeing their children cut the apron strings of emotional and financial dependence, narcissistic parents strangle their children with expectations of endless admiration, dependence and use money as a stand-in for love. It's very sad to see someone subjected to this. I'm so glad that you are starting to break free!

So proud of you Jewel. what price a clear conscience? You know;)

Something I have tried to remember along the way is we are important even if someone else has tried to make us think we are worthless. It may not have always been what they said, but how they have said it. Physical abuse or mental/emotional abuse--what ever the case, just know that YOU are worth something more than the abuser wants you to be. I do realize that some of you may have a parent you are caring for was so different before their illness struck them. Know that you can honestly say "this is not my parent". Just know that there are those of us whose parent has always been this way and we are struggling to differentiate the difference.--is this my mother or is this the illness. We cannot say, "oh my mom would have never said that"... the illness is giving my mom an excuse. Love and hugs to all who are struggling while caring for an ill parent.

Thank you Belle!! Yes, you are so right. Even when I started paying myself back for all the groceries, pajamas--that she just had to have because she needed them, and clothes because she had lost so much weight; she would say who is paying for this. Eventually, the cost of it all caught up with my budget and I had to start paying myself back. She was so mad. I had to stop feeling guiilty because my mom had/has the money. No money of hers is worth the repercussions that come with it, I promise. If I thought this bday "gift" of money came from her heart with no strings attached it would be different; but I can assure you that somewhere in there are huge chains ready to tie me down again. NO THANK YOU! I have found a peace in not have those obligations anymore. My mother only loves under certain conditions--no unconditional love there.
My mom used to talk so negative of her sister. She was always putting her down and was so jealous of her thinking that she was my grandmother's favorite.--my mother's issues, of course. Now, guess who helps her out?--you got it, that sister. Talking about a saint. I told her she can have my crown of jewels one day. She has truly been a life saver for me. As I have been reading over the past years, it is so hard to believe there are so many negative and thoughtless mothers/parents out there. Wonder if it is generational? I am sure glad we have evolved.

jewel, I don't take money or let my mother pay any of my expenses for just the reason. When she says that I owe her because she pays the bills, I can honestly say that she doesn't. Some people would say that it is self defeating for me not to let her pay everything. I know different. I have a feeling you are coming from that same place. Anything we receive comes with strings and feelings of obligation. If it is a little Christmas or birthday gift, it is one thing. If it is something that makes you feel obligated, it is entirely different. Your freedom from feeling guilty is a lot more valuable. Big hugs.

Thank you Golden... I have to remember that too...that a leopard doesn't change it's spots. I had a long talk with my aunt. She didn't have the answers either, but she did remind me that no matter what path I take with my mother it will be the wrong one --in my mother's eyes. At the conclusion of our conversation, I decided that I will not cash the check being it comes with repercussions.

jewel - good for you for staying away. You have been doing very well. The cheque does present a problem as gifts from narcissists can come with strings attached. You know, I doubt that your mother really thinks that you are a bad person, but she knows that saying so gets a rise out of you which feeds her narcissism. My experience with my family is that the leopard does not change its spots and I make my decisions in that light. Whatever you do make sure it is good for you. ((((((hugs)))))8

Hope everyone had a great Holiday! I enjoyed family and of course great food. The week of food and festivities is over and now I am faced with the reality that a check still sits in an envelope, encased in a card, on my kitchen table. It is hanging over my head like a dark cloud. I can vividly see her frowning face as she wonders if I got the card that holds a check. The images of her scowl will forever be burned in my thoughts. With it being a week, I am sure she has called the bank to see if the check has been cashed. You wonder where I get my worry--ha ha! I REALLY need the money with my husband being a dislocated worker right now, but along with cashing that check comes other guilt and thoughts running through my mind.

I love all your suggestions and hope I can make a decision soon. I was at peace knowing I had walked away from the torture. All the pain has now reoccurred with a price attached to it.

I live in an older neighborhood (one street) where we all have different sources of income. Some of the income is much higher than others. One of our neighbors is a very wealthy, very successful businessman. I sit this morning watching him tear down his mother-in-laws home (which he owned) He lives on the hill behind her home on 20 acres, and she lives diagonally to me ( in my quaint 1500 sq ft home).--well, now she lives in a nursing home because of her dementia. I wondered while I watched.... They are very wealthy have a 6 bedroom home, a home in different climates (3) actually.--They put her in the nursing home and don't think twice about it.--I know this because I will ask his wife from time to time "how is your mother doing"? Her response is usually something like "Crazier than ever"--with a huge laugh or "She is fed and well taken care of". They go on with their daily life and do what they love to do---travel, have parties, and make more money. I have to say though, he a humanitarian--he gives generously to our little sleepy town. I struggle to exist some days because of my guilt. I am not guilty that I never did anything for her because I did everything. The guilt comes from knowing she thinks I am a bad person. I can still hear "well, because I am your mother". It rings loud most days. I have to remind myself just because she is my mother doesn't mean I have to take what she dishes out--- She has shown me many times who she really is.

Have a great week!!

Wow~ How I have missed this group of people! This is a huge reminder to me why I started this a few years back and I need to keep following for YOU that have helped me get through it and for me to be reminded how far WE have come!! Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. My husband reminded me just as you have that my mom hasn;t changed that it may be a little guilt shining through. He told me the same thing that I deserve the money and if I felt I couldn't accept it, to split it with my children. Then here comes that little girl inside me ~ "she will know I cashed the check since she took back over her finances" "What will she say?" "once again, I am a bad girl". I was very satisfied with my decision to walk away even though from time to time, as a mother myself, I feel bad for her. The peace I have found is greater than the pain she has caused me. We have had a lot happen this past year....we have had a fire at our home, my husband lost his job, (still don't have a full time one yet), my daughter had unexpected knee surgery, on and on--these are not simple things. I have felt sometimes these things have happened because I am not being the "good " daughter, that I am being punished in some way. That is my guilt! I am having dinner tomorrow with my aunt--her sister and I am going to get her opinion too. Thank you Guest for reminding me that she has already shown me who she is and to each of you for your suggestions. I just don't want to be reminded of how "bad" I am, I know she will rehash later...asking me a million questions. I realize I am the only one who can make this decision. Thank you for listening and it's time to get my coat of armour back out!!

Hi Jeweltone! So happy to hear from you! Sounds like your mother has made, from her perspective, a sincere gesture. You have put up with so much from her, but here is my advice: 1. Accept the gift--you need it and deserve it without owing her anything. 2. Consider a phone call or a brief visit and see how it goes. Do not ask for an apology--just see if a fresh start (within reason considering your mother) is a possibility. If it is not, you can just leave once again,but at least you tried. It has been long enough that perhaps it is time to check things out. 3. No matter what you choose to do, remember you are your own person, she is being taken care of, and you will not accept emotional abuse from her or anyone else.

I am very grateful to my counselor who helped me, but I worked very hard. I still have to work, but my relationship with my mother has shifted since I don't put up with her nonsense anymore. We will never have the loving relationship,the child within me had been craving, but I now have the love inside me--for me--if that makes sense. I do not need, expect, nor want her as my loving mother. That ship has sailed. Please let us know what you decide to do. No matter what, walk in freedom. XXOO

Guest, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Jewel, only you can decide if you are the same person you were a year ago. Do you have the ability to walk in, say hello and chat and IF she starts complaining say "Mother, I love you and would love to visit with you, but if you are going to complain about things that neither of us has the ability to change, I'm going to leave. It's your choice what to talk about, but it's my choice whether to stay and listen". If she keeps complaining, smile and put your fingers in your ears and say "lalalalalalala". If she continues, smile, say your goodbyes and leave.

IF you think you can do that, then give it a shot. But I agree with GSA, I'd discuss with your therapist first. Perhaps you need to role play this a bit first.

By the way my no contact ended when I contacted my mother and confronted her appropriately about decades worth of actions. She apologized. Said the words I'm sorry. No qualifiers. Any time she backslid later into well I was not responsible, I reminded her that I had done the walk away once. We had a better relationship for 4+ years but I had to be ready. Are you ready? Hugs and take care of you and your family. Be happy in the space of healing you created. When you are ready, you will know. Narcs cannot help trying to reel you in and money is a great way.

Jewel, read your comments in October 2015 when your mother told you if someone hurt her she would not come around. That you were trying to take her money. That she manipulated others and your cousin was glad you that you didn't turn out like your mother. I followed this thread for 2 years to help reinforce my boundary efforts. If you can cash the check with no strings, IF IF IF, think about it. You felt so good when you stepped away and quit dancing. I've made the same choices. Please talk to your therapist before deciding. She has not changed. Please remember what Maya Angelou said "when people show you who they are, believe them." But whatever you decide I hope you stay free and believe in yourself. We do.

Hello there!!! It has been a while for me! I hope everyone is doing okay. I just realized it has been two (2) years since I started this thread. WOW! Where does time go? It's funny how in two years not much changes. I keep wishing for change and peace. I am sure it's around the corner somewhere. As I stated last time, I had gone no contact with my mom for various reasons. I had seen a counselor to help me with some very tough decisions.
**Today I go to the mailbox, I hadn't been in a few days, and OMG I see an envelope from my......mom. Oh, I cannot tell you the emotions running through my mind in a very short few seconds.--what is she wanting, what is she going to say, why is she sending me this, what, why, how---no, I am not opening it, but you need to know what she has to say...all the thoughts and pain came running back through me like a swollen river. I opened it!! It was a birthday card with a check. She didn't send me anything last year, but this year she decides to get out the pen. She went on to say how she missed me and I should call her or come and see her. She proceeded to tell me she was sorry IF she hurt me in anyway.---KEYWORD (IF). The counselor told me to beware of those type of words if she were to contact me. Those words truly mean that she isn't guilty of anything but she wants to put it out there to reel me in.---boy did she ever?!? For a short minute my heart filled up with sadness for her and wishing she meant what she said. Maybe she did when she first wrote it, maybe she feels guilty, maybe just maybe?? Okay, back to reality. I will tell you I am at a struggle what to do. I really do not want to cash the check--could I use the money?--ABSOLUTELY. I want to send it back and tell her I don't feel right taking it and that I am not ready to see her. I want to just tear up the check and pretend it didn't come. Not sure where to go from here. She has said she was sorry so many times and I always end back in the same situation with her. This time, I need to stand my ground. Is it right? Am in the wrong?--see what she starts doing to me? If I were to go back and read what I have written through these two years, it would probably answer my hard question--what to do? Usually the answers are right in front of us. Once again, thank you for your listening "ear"/eyes.. Hope each of you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Huh. A false checkbook. That's interesting. I actually do feel better that my mom is in that home. She looks better and the woman who runs it has just a few patients, so they all get a lot of attention, and she seems rather intuitive in how to calm down drama and that. I liked her the instant I met her, and have grown to like her even more. What bugs me is my mom has some roadblock about my husband. She thinks he turned me against her, but really she's just very needy and demanding in her ways. She had a rough childhood and can't help some of it, and part of it could be mental illness rolled in with the dementia, but she has that world view of everyone working against her or disappointing her, instead of seeing the good in people. And she probably tries to bully me into cowering to her and bending to her wishes. But if I did that she'd be alone in her apartment again chain smoking, with more burns on her nightgowns and bedding, with weeks-old food in her fridge. This is better. She doesn't understand it entirely, but after two months in a nursing home you look like you've been on a vacation, it's doing her well!

AmyGrace gave a good answer above, She could be writing about my Mother. Oh by the way Hi AmyGrace it is Cheryl and been thinking about you! Funny that when my Dad was alive we gave him a false checkbook. Very interesting!! He was messing up EVERYTHING.

Heidi, so sorry you are going through this. It is painful, but if your mother looks good and is eating, she is probably happier than she wants you to know. Your mother is a lot like mine was. No matter what, she was negative and complained about everything. (However, we found out she was just fine when we weren't there to complain to.) She, too talked about going back to her house right up until she was practically unconscious. The dementia makes them paranoid thinking people are stealing. Before we moved Mom to AL, she had accused the housekeepers in IL of stealing her ratty, stained, worn out clothes. Once she accused them of stealing her purse (which she hid every day) and AL had to call the police. It was embarrassing - that, among other behaviors was when we knew she couldn't be in IL. The worry about money seems to be universal for that "depression" generation I guess. Up until the last week of her life, my mother insisted on having her purse with her, and we had to give her a fake checkbook and she tried to pay for her meals in the NH.
It sounds like your mother is doing just fine, given her age and mental condition. Its wonderful you found somewhere that she can be safe and have other companions.

Hi all. I haven't posted in a bit. My mom got moved to a sort of group home around Thanksgiving. We brought her to visit our place around Christmas, hoping she'd be happy to see us, but she just wanted to go to her apartment, and threatened suicide, etc., so the woman who runs the home took her to emergency just in case, more out of precaution. In time they figured out that my mom threatens suicide to get her way. After a few threats, my mom stopped it when she realized she wasn't getting her way.
I try to visit Saturdays and take her shopping and to lunch. Some days have gone really well and it's kind of pleasant. Some weeks she's off and gets going with accusations of plotting against her, or that she's been sold into slavery. I get that it's hard to be moved out of your apartment and all, but she's really in no shape to be alone. She's a danger to herself and others if she's left to her devices. I have to say, though, it is kind of a relief to have her in the home. She's not always happy, but she looks healthier, and we don't have to worry about her falling or not eating. She even put on a bit of weight and likes some attention.
She has a few quirks, though. One is she wants to save money to take a cab to her old bank. I suspect she thinks she'll take a couple thousand dollars out and then take a cab out of state or something. Not sure about that. She doesn't have the sense always to understand that she's too helpless and confused to really live on her own. Maybe that's a blessing in itself, that she believes herself competent enough?

juddabuddha, what you wrote is so wise. I think we can get so caught up in wringing our hands and thinking of the tragedy of it all that we lose sight that it is all just part of life. Really, if we think about it, many of our elders feel very sorry for themselves that they lived such a long life. Seems like that is something they should be glad about, instead of cursing about. I love to hear people talk about every day being a gift, instead of being a curse. I hope I am one who sees each day as a gift. Maybe I should start having that attitude when I wake tomorrow. Sounds like a plan.

I have had all the above experiences with Mom. Our relationship goes up and down like a yoyo but actually it is bothering less and less. First I just became numb, apathetic, and only there in a minimal way. I laid down my boundaries in a nice but firm way and mostly I see she cares enough about keeping our relationship on a good note even though some of the time she does stupid things: like trying to make me look like an idiot in public when she can't understand a menu, or do something in the grocery store. I have gotten to the point where I just laugh and truly see her pathetic or absurd behavior. And then I realize she can't hurt me anymore. Past the hurt I can know have compassion for her fears and frailities. I see that I can feel good by choosing to be there for her or ...NOT. She has improved in her treatment of me, learning to tell me nice things and how much she appreciates me.

When I lose my patience with her, she only gets worse. If I stay in a good mood and keep smiling and joking around, she lightens up. Things have improved, but I know it can change at the drop of a hat too.

I think the UTI infections affected her behavior. She now takes probiotics every day and has greatly improved her attitude about preparing her own food, and makes healthy choices in eating.

Best wishes. Try to get to the point where NOTHING and no one can shake your inner peace and joy of mind. The struggle is worth the learning!! Your joy and peace improves your own health too.

Sorry, thought this was the whine thread, but is it normal for me to feel negative about the trouble Dh caused?

Credit card payment by phone did not go through the automated, but the account shows paid, so, calling a foreign country-not by choice, he asks, 'May I speak to your husband?' Who says, in a similar foreign accent, 'I have never used that card, who is this, and what card are you talking about?'

Well, Dh nor I will never use that card again. Can I quit now? Please? It is hard enough paying bills without the enemy undermining my efforts. Are there any friendlies out there? I cancelled the card. Still, a slow burn is building...

Hi there-Cmagnum always comes through with encouragement. I am so grateful! Phoenix--I feel for you, but I no longer want to wait to see what my mother's mood is to determine how my day will be. I have given up so much of my life for her--I have given up say SELF for her. DECADES! I am still resisting the response I always have--calling her to make things "better." I won't do it. I hate that I cannot just have a nice relationship with her but she is destroying me and I am the only one who can stop it. It scares me how angry or whatever she will be by tonight or tomorrow but I have to stop and save myself while there is still time. She has my phone number and an emergency button (I pay for) so she can be cared for if there is a problem. I am so shaky over this--it was an unexpected day today--having her be so ugly, but if I am to listen to the therapist and all of you, I have to learn to let go of my childhood hopes and dreams for a loving mother. I will be there when she needs me but not to be kicked in the teeth. It just doesn't feel like me. I try to be a really nice person and now I have to not be that person. Weird, challenging. Hopefully worth it. Thanks so much. You make a difference.

njny magnums right it is a dance isn't it? My mother is a royal pain in the rear unless she is unwell and while it sounds terrible I actually like it better when she feels unwell because then she is pleasant. Today has been an unwell day and she has been pleasant and not mean about everything and anything. God I love non negative days. Sadly it aint gonna last long since she is feeling better. how do I know? Give you two guesses!

I'm glad to hear that you are still improving and sorry that today has/is a challenge. Your mom's impact, training or grooming for this unhealthy dynamic goes a long ways back which is why it requires hard work to get out of it. She's hoovering you back in with her recent niceness as you pointed out. That's all part of the dance. She's not going to stop her dance, but you don't have to keep dancing with her. I would not blame you for walking away and say only contact me in a real emergency. You don't deserve this stress and your marriage does not need this stress. D@#n the emotional torpedoes and take care of yourself so that you can reach your goal with no prisoners!