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Is it normal to feel angry and frustrated? Yes ! It would be abnormal if you did not feel that way at times- but give yourself a break - what you are doing is difficult and it’s also hard to watch our parent or spouses become less than the person they were !
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Anger normal? Yes!! You have a right to your feelings. You didn’t expect to have to babysit a grown man who is refusing to do anything for himself. Something is not right and needs to be diagnosed. Has he been checked for dementia. I agree he could be depressed but you can’t give someone meds against their wishes. Get the doctor on board and have a private chat with him before he sees your dad.
Have you thought of leveling with your dad and have a face to face talk? Tell him this is extremely hard on you and you can’t go on like this much longer. He must do something about his apathy if he loves you. Otherwise he will have to move. Then see what he says. If he wants a cup of tea, tell him where the fixings are and if he wants it badly enough he will make it. So far, he’s got you going ahead and fixing it. You’re not his maid servant. It sounds like he’s quite capable. I assume you’re in the UK because you said "biscuits " for cookies. Can’t you take him to the NHS doctor? You deserve a life. Go with him and be blunt in front of your dad and the doctor and explain this is too much on you.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
I am pretty sure he hasn't got dementia as he's very alert. He is reluctant to move around because his mobility is getting worse. But it is chicken and egg - the less he does, the less he will be able to do.
I am in the UK but I actually live in Turkey with my husband. I have been here since the beginning of November to support him, but to be honest I think me being here makes him more and more dependent. And that is putting him in a downward spiral. I asked him this morning to try to make a list of three things every day that he can do (and do them).
The doc visited him a few weeks back and all his vital signs are normal, his blood is ok and he doesn't take any meds apart from a vitamin tablet!
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Are you able to get CBD oil where you live? If you aren’t familiar it is made from the hemp plant. It’s very good for anxiety. A drop under the tongue a couple of times a day is helpful. He might also notice an increased appetite and that he sleeps better.
Also check out the book “Being Mortal, Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande. You can google it and get an idea of what it’s about. You might find it helpful for this time in your and dad’s life.
One last thing is if he will eat an egg a day, it will help with frailty. It must be frustrating to be away from your home and husband. Try the cbd oil yourself before you give it to your dad so you can see how subtle the effect is and you will notice it helps relax you as well.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
Yes, I know about CBD and have a friend who produces it, but he won't take what he calls alternative stuff. I have been slipping Bach remedies in his tea though!
I have been having acupuncture and going to qigong classs to support myself which is helping a bit but it's so full on with Dad. It's probabl the isolation of being with him 24/7 that is starting to get to me.
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Diazepam is anti anxiety, not an antidepressant. It will not get him moving more, rather the opposite. It might be worth talking to his dr about an antidepressant.

If he doesn't want to take that, could you crush up a half dose and give it to him in apple sauce or pudding? A lower dose will lessen the side effects and may still help his mood. Then increase it once he is used to it. If he has another panic attack you might try that with the Diazepam.

Mother was canny, and knew right away by the effect on her when they were giving her meds, so she refused them. But it works for some people.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
The doc has prescribed Lorazepam which are only 1mg and he only takes half at night. I think that dosage is just working as a placebo.
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I am sure he is depressed but he would never admit to it. The doc gave him some Diazapam a few weeks ago as he had panic attacks but he's not used to meds so he didn't like the drowsy feeling he had with them.
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Bgul913 Feb 2019
Hi JulieKac. If he doesn't like the effect of drowsiness, then I woukd break up the dosage. Give him galf now and the other half 2-4 hours from now.
But, you didn't mention what mg the doctor ordered? If it is 5 mg, a very low dose, he won't feel anything at 2.5 mg.
I have been taking 10 mgs 2x a day for severe anxiety. And it works.
But, this drug must stay in his system. Don't skip doses and if he can't toleralate the 2.5 mg, than contact his doctor.
But I will say that in Florida (not to sure on other states), they are reducing the amount of mg's given in order to wean patients off them. It's part of the whole Opiod epidemic. Good luck.
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Oh, and BTW, yes it is normal to feel angry. You are probably doing some grieving seeing your dad decline. It is painful to watch and hard to adjust to the new realities.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
Yes, it is hard to see loved ones failing and not being able to do much about it. I am trying to do a few things for myself to ease the anger. Started going to a community acupuncture session which has really helped.
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Get him into a senior center program where he can make some friends and be encouraged to at least a little activity - even if it's just walking across the room to pick up his own coffee/tea.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
I have tried but he is SO antisocial and won't go!
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A checkup might be in line, just to make sure he's okay and see if he's depressed. Would he agree to any therapy for his legs?

I get why people who are 89 years old might say things about it being near the end. In a way they are right. Can you think of a few ways to put some spark or interest back into the day? I know it's hard, but, sometimes visits from children or long time friends help lift the spirits. Would he be up for a drive to the seashore or a lake? There is really only so much you can do.

I'm of the belief that seniors really have the right to just relax and do what they want as they turn into their 80's and 90's, as long as it's safe. Goodness knows they must be tired. For some people, getting out of bed, bathed and dressed for the day is a big deal. As long as he's content, I'd support his wishes. Maybe, he's content and just resting. I'd try to accept his choices and not impute upon him the way you think he should be behaving. Sometimes, kindness and support can be the best remedy.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
Yes, you are right. If he wants to just 'sit' he should be able to do. The thing that worries me is his inactivity is causing him to be weaker on his legs and he has had a couple of falls at home.
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I agree that trying an antidepressant is a good idea. He may be depressed and he may be declining and not feeling well, or both. We don't live forever.

A thorough medical check up could be a good thing to rule out any health issues.

Meanwhile, take it easy on yourself. This journey is not over and worse may lie ahead. You can only do what you can do -keep him as safe as possible, nourished, and with proper medical care. He will get frailer eventually no matter how much he does. It is a matter of his age. You need to look after yourself so you can care for him. Good luck!
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JulieKac Feb 2019
Thank you for the encouragement. He has had a check up but everything seems to be ok. And yes, I am doing my best to look after myself as his anxiousness and heavy feeling does impact me.
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You are a wonderful person for trying to care for this 89 year old man. Been in the business for 15 years. This age gets so they just don't see any point in living anymore. So they think if they just sit and do nothing, they will die. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way!
Now my Mother in Law is 97. She keep asking me WHY AM I ALIVE? So you go over, make sure they are up, dressed. Feed the dog, don't let him neglect the dog. The dog is being more mature than he is! If he sits there all day, he sits there all day. Make sure he is safe. Check for signs of nutrition. Like dirty dishes, or food gone. They play games with you. They say those things for reinforcement that they matter to someone. Turn into a detective. My Mother in Law eats, then gets rid of all the evidence. But I know where to look. Then go home and take care of yourself and your life. You have done your best.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
Thank you for your suggestions. The scenario you describe sounds like Dad.
He gets up - sits in his chair - gets dressed - sits in his chair. He does eat but less than usual; loves biscuits and cakes, not so good on protein and vegetables so eats like a kid. I let him eat what he wants as he's always eaten like this and has lived to this age on it.
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Take him to the doctor to see if he needs an antidepressant.
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JulieKac Feb 2019
The doc prescribed Diazepam but he doesn't want to take meds.
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