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I also, think ppl who hide are the very ones whom cannot handle the situation. u don't know until u tell her. I do say give her all the hugs, love and comfort as possible.
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first of all, I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry how we all think we know better and try to keep secrets. if u let go, and let God he will guide u all. In my opinion as u can see. I would have told her. unfortunately, she would not be able to visit him bc of the Cov but u can skype, use cell as face time. Don't let her miss talking and seeing him. u maybe surprise she may do just fine. nobody can tell u what to do you can pray and use ur own judgement. i think her son would even be happy to see his mom. u never know. either way its bothering her not seeing him vs seeing him, u be the judge.
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She knows something is not right. A mother always knows. I’d rather tell my mother out of respect and transparency. Her son was trying to spare her the pain, but you can’t in the long run. She’s probably thinking he’s either abandoned her or is ill or worse.
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In our family, we've always talked openly about illness and death in very practical terms, so I know what the right answer would be for us. But every family is different, and so many have made the point that if your uncle doesn't want to reveal this to his mother, then it is his decision. Could the rest of you encourage the uncle to write a letter to his mother so that at least he will have the chance to communicate a last message to her after he is gone. If he doesn't believe that he could deal with her grief while he is alive, at least he could send a note about his reasoning for keeping this information from her. It's just a thought. Good luck to your family.
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My mother was 88 when my brother sat down with her to break the news that he had been diagnosed with colon cancer. She was extremely upset but had a long chat with him about it. We met as a family to talk about it and she said to all of us that she trusted her children and did not want to be ignored, or have bad news kept from her as if she were a child. If we did this then the bond of trust would be broken. We had a huge celebration for her 90th birthday in June 2008 then sadly in November of that year my brother died in hospital. The following day Mum had a stroke, not severe and no lasting paralysis but we were all guilt ridden about the burden we thought we had given her. She spoke to us all saying that nothing could help the devastation she felt at his loss, but she had the right to experience it and deal with it in her way.. We felt after that we could have more frank discussions. My brother died in America and his widow offered to send some of his ashes to Mum. She accepted this offer and asked for them to be buried with her. Our local surgery asked us to complete a form regarding Mum's thoughts about resuscitation and although I was appalled to be asking her about it I did and she gave her answer. The reason for the form is that if the very elderly are resuscitated a great deal of damage, such as broken ribs, can be caused during the process. There were other such questions about whether she preferred to spend her final hours at home or in the hospital. She told me she was glad that she was able to make such decisions. I would never have chosen to tell her about my brother unless he had. However, she was adamant that she would have been very, very upset had she not known. I am now approaching my 80th year and sometimes I feel ignored or powerless and fully understand now what she felt about my brother's decision to tell her. She said just talk to me the way we always talked I am not a different person because I am elderly.
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Candyapple Sep 2021
i love this response. this is exactly what I'm talking about when its time for one to feel that exact pain. they don't realize it until its there turn. we always suppose to do our best. ppl are ppl. pain is pain whether we know it or not how we would handle the situation. I just believe when u tell someone bad news be there for them as long and as best as u can. those are my thoughts. I'm praying for u. I'm happy u and ur family were close.
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Her son doesn’t want her to know . A Mother seeing her terminally ill son could throw her over the edge . I think this is the sons decision not yours .
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Since it was HIS wish not to tell her … leave it alone. When he passes , if she has dementia she may not even be aware. If he passes and she does not have dementia then you can tell her he passed. Why pile that anxiety on her when she can’t see him now due to Covid anyway? Let her enjoy remembering him healthy and strong 💜
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if the mom is of sound mind. i would try convince the son to tell his mom.so she has a chance to say goodbye. if she has dementia/Alzheimers i would use white lies to distract and deflect when the topic of the son comes up.
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With all due respect, it’s your Uncle’s decision. His mind is intact, and the communication channel is open. After HE decides, perhaps you can ask him if he’d like you or someone else in the family to help deliver the sad message of the reality. But it’s up to him. Especially if he is still in touch with his own mother, via phone or FaceTime or Skype, etc. It’s his choice, imho. Prayers are up for your family, as this choice is not theirs, but his alone.
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Is she still in her right state of mind if she is tell her that he hasn't been feeling good and he won't be able to come and visit her then get a picture of him and set it close to her bed so she can still see him all the time. And when he does pass away tell her that he went to visit Jesus and he will see her when she comes to visit Jesus. That's what I tell my mom all the time and she smiles and tells me Thank you. I was told by the Dr you should never tell them straight out that someone died because it could get them very upset. You can talk to her Dr and ask them what they think you should do about it . I will keep you guys in my prayers.
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She is going to notice when he is no longer there to visit or communicate with. Unless she has severe dementia, please tell her. She has a right to know.
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She absolutely should be able to see him.

The shock of his illness would be less emotionally painful than being deprived of the opportunity to see him through deceit.

Many of us have lost family members to accidents and other sudden deaths. She will be able to cope.

I understand why he didn’t want to hurt and disappoint her with news that he was struggling to accept.

If, however, she is afforded the chance to see him, (if he is consciously aware) he will be comforted by her presence.
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Wow..this really is the ill persons news to tell. BUT In our family my brothers wife {65] got ill went in the hospital and my brother chose to not tell mom and I . He thought she would get better , go home and then he would tell us she had been sick..She DIED 6 days after being admitted! He endured her dying process alone. We were a close family and devastated.. we had no closure. They lived 800 miles away. As a family we then decided no more secrets. 86 is the number of years you have lived. It does not make you unable to handle grief or sadness. I think we do a disservice to assume a person can not handle bad news. This truth will come out in time. Sometimes there are things left to be said before a death.
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The trouble with this question is that the headline asks the wrong question. The right question is: is it right to disclose confidential medical information without the patient's consent?

The patient - i.e. the OP's uncle - has made it clear he does not want his mother to be told about his terminal illness and approaching end-of-life. The OP further explains that he has his reasons, which include not only that he does not want to think of his mother's reaction but also - and more importantly - that he doesn't want to have to deal with her grief while he is in the process of dying.

We may think he is wrong, and that it may be (it isn't necessarily) cruel to keep this information from her. But this isn't about her rights, it's about his rights, and he is the one who decides what happens with his information.

He can be encouraged to think again; and he can be encouraged and helped to make some kind of provision for when his mother does have to be told what has happened. But to disclose the information now, without his consent, would be totally unethical and would possibly, probably, make everything much worse and much more painful for both of them.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2021
Very good CM.
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She should have been told right at the beginning, you had no right to keep it from her , now it’s far worse and will probably destroy her , he told you all not to tell her , that was the wrong thing to do
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My brother, for reasons I don’t know, distanced himself from our parents for several years. After Dad's death he rarely visited Mom. She started to think he had died and we were hiding the fact from her. I would call him and leave messages but he seldom responded to me either.

Then he died in his sleep at age 62. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell Mom her favorite child was dead. She was 91 and I didn’t know how she would react. Mom surprised us all by being a rock and moving on. Maybe her decline into dementia was a blessing.

I don’t really have any advice here other than you, as a family, need to decide which will be the bigger shock: telling her he is dying and letting her be prepared and saying goodbye, or not telling her and dealing with the sudden shock when he does die and she finds out you have been hiding his illness from her.
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Candyapple Sep 2021
fantastic. great minds think alike. it will be a shock either way. the family is not thinking clearly. u never know it could help them both. who knows it could have possibly helped him live a little longer u know. ur right it could help her be stronger and live life for him. u just never know. if it were me i would say something facetime or what have u. i agree with ur response.
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What bothers me is the Uncles wishes are being overlooked. That to me is important. Mom is 86 years old with declining health. She suffers from anxiety and should not be traveling during a pandemic. You tell her now and the anxiety and panic attacks may get worse. Is that fair to her? She cannot do a thing where she is in another country. Its his decision to tell his Mom, no one elses.
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NancyInSc Sep 2021
I agree. It is the son's choice. I recently found out I am terminal. Have been settling my parents' estates. I spend a long 14 years as their caretaker. Instead of planning what I will do for the next 20-25 years, I have had to change my path to 2-3 years. I have chosen to not tell most of my relatives about my health, especially my sister. I do not want to deal will her and her drama. I may tell her when I go into hospice. My death, my choice.
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It is not for you or your siblings to tell her. Your brother who is sick has to be the one to do it if he wants her to know. It's his choice to tell her or have her come visit and see him. The rest of the family has to respect that. It's his choice and if he doesn't want her to know, don't tell her. As heart-breaking and tragic as your story is, it's not about your mother. It's about your brother and honoring what his wishes are.
If your brother passes away without your mom ever knowing about his illness, yourself and the family should tell her that none of you knew. I think at 86 it's okay for you and the rest of the family to lie to her. What good will come of her finding out all of you knew but didn't tell her? That will only cause fighting and hard feelings and strife in the family. That can be and should be avoided at your mom's time of life.
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Hopeforhelp22 Sep 2021
BurntCaregiver - wow, your response was so eloquent and thoughtful and compassionate and sensitive - and such valuable advise. I heartfully agree.
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I would let her see him that's her son and not seeing him might make things worse for the family. I think the family has to be strong and help with anything that might happen when she see him. Does she still have her mind working? if so then tell her the truth she is owed that about her child.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2021
Woman lives in another country and is 86 with health issues.
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Mom, grandma needs to be told and the sooner the better.
She is going to be devastated no matter when she is told but telling her as soon as possible will give her time to arrange a visit if that is possible but it will also help her begin the grief process.
I can imagine how angry, upset and blindsided she will feel if everyone in the family is aware of the illness and she is excluded from this information.
And there is always someone that can not keep a secret and will tell her.
Please find a time when she can be told. If possible by a family member that can do it in person.
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hug!

the mother should absolutely be told. and she absolutely has a right to mentally prepare; and to speak to him, say all she wants to say.

he should not suddenly die, and she never had a chance to say all the love/things she wanted to say.

telling her, means admitting many excuses were given to her as to why she can’t fly.

but it’s much better she knows/not more time passing.

hug!
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It's your uncle's decision, even though I believe it to be a wrong decision. If grandmother has her facilities, she has a right to know and prepare for his death. Try and see if uncle will change his mind and let your grandmother be told. How devastated will she be when one of the family has to tell her her son died of a disease he had for a couple of years? She has been given no opportunity to say good-bye to her son.
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His mother will be devastated if he dies and she had no idea and no contact. Please tell her the truth. Let her know that he is going to die soon. Arrange telephone meetings between your uncle and his mom so they can spend time together. Help make arrangements for her to visit in person - if that is what they both desire.
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I spoke to my ex today; his stage 4 prostate cancer is no longer in remission and his oncologists are now concentrating on extending his life expectancy 5 more years at the outside. He had to tell this devestating news to his wife, our three kids and his brothers.

He is insistent that no one tell his 91 year old mom who will just obsess about the health of her firstborn. He hopes to outlive her.

If your grandmother is suffering from mental health issues like depression and anxiety, please get her seen by a qualified psychiatrist who can treat these conditions. And yes, encourage your uncle to write his mom a final letter.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2021
Mom lives in another Country.
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There is another way to do it, and that is to tell her that ‘it was sudden’ after he dies. Perhaps he had ‘an accident’, or perhaps ‘it was just a week after he knew’ - giving time to write that final letter.

Deaths can indeed be sudden. Our next-door-but-one neighbor, much liked, was killed coming home from work a month ago. It’s a bad shock, but for mother it would cut out the anger of ‘why did they keep me in the dark’.
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This is a challenging situation. If she had dementia, I would say no do not tell her, but as she does not, it is important that she is told.

BUT, the proper supports have to be put in place before she is told. If she belongs to a Faith community, can you contact her Faith Leader and ask them to help prepare her for the news?

Is there a family member who can be with her when the news is shared? What about an old friend?

Can you contact her doctor and any other people on her medical team to ask for help?

She could have a physical and or mental breakdown when she gets the news, she may rage with anger at not having the opportunity to say good bye. You need to be prepared for any response and have supports in place.
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Ironic this thread is here in light of comedian Norm McDonald passing today from cancer which he had been battling for 9 years, and if I'm correct he kept secret.
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The best way to answer such a question is to ask it of yourself: would you want to know if your son was terminally ill and on hospice, getting ready to die within 6 months?

For me, I would be L I V I D if that information was withheld from me 'for my own good' by 'well meaning' family members who thought I was 'too fragile' to handle the information. Considering I gave birth to that child and raised him, is it not my right as a mother to be with him as he takes his last breath, as I was with him when he took his first? I certainly would not let the threat of a virus prevent me from visiting my son, either, especially if he was on hospice care! But that's me, telling you how I would feel, as a mother who has a son, and how I would feel/what I would do if faced with the situation (God forbid).

Let common sense guide you to 'do the right thing' for your grandmother and your uncle's mother. My condolences over the situation you're all facing with your loved one.
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notgoodenough Sep 2021
I agree, I would be livid too.

I think if I was the person who was terminally ill, and I decided to not tell people, I wouldn't tell anyone. That way, once I had passed, people could be angry at me, and it wouldn't potentially drive a wedge between the people I love, because of some people knowing and having to keep that information from the people I didn't want to know. That's not a fair burden to place on people.

My FIL tried that with me - I happened to be the first one to visit him in the hospital after he was told he was terminal. His words to me, after he told me what the doctor told him - "don't tell anyone." I told him in no uncertain terms I would NOT keep this information from my husband, and that while I understood my FIL's desire to not "upset" anyone, that is was patently unfair to ask me to keep a secret - especially a secret of that magnitude concerning HIS dad - from my husband.
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"since her health has deteriorated lately, but mainly pscyhologically, she is having so much anxiety, panic attacks and depression"

For the above reason, she should not be told. COVID is a good reason for her to still stay where she is. We are now battling a different strain.

I am with your Uncle. Since Mom stays with him for months, then he knows his Mom. No one ever has to tell her about the circumstances surrounding his passing. Just that he peacefully died from Liver cancer which was discovered late.
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Bottom line -- it's his decision. (It's the wrong decision in my opinion, but I don't get one.)

My concern is that Grandma is already suffering from anxiety and depression. Would someone be around to support her once she does receive this devastating news regardless of whether it's before or after his death?
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