Is it shameful to feel relieved when abusive parent dies?

Tiger55: You're very welcome.

TaylorUK: Thank you, but I had always known this great uncle existed but didn't know how kind a person he was because my husband's parents were the polar opposites of this man. My FIL was an alcoholic and my MIL was a mentally ill woman who placed food ontop her 6 childrens' heads if they didn't eat it. She also scrubbed one of her 4 daughters' face with a wire brush AND said to her "go in the other room so I don't have to see you." Also she threw the child's bike down a set of basement stairs after the child had saved up her OWN money to buy said bike. The great uncle story had absolutely NO BEARING on my husband's and my relationship. Thank you for understanding.

I have found this thread quite revealing. Having already supported OP in the fact she should be perfectly happy in the skin of feelings she has - and never feel guilt, I find that reading more and more people's situations has brought not only my feelings about my mother but also my father into my thoughts. As a young child I was a Daddy's girl like a lot of little girls, until he did something unreasonable in the way of punishment of my younger brother when I was about 10 which destroyed in one move any respect I had for him - and for me respect and love go together. He died about 10 years ago and my SIL tried to persuade me to go and visit although I had not seen him for 15 years, (she's very religious) kept telling me I would regret it one day if I didn't - well 10 years later I have no regrets, the man who was my father had been dead to me for so long I hardly noticed his mortal passing. So we come to my mother - who is unfortunately due to some total mental aberration of mine, living in annex on our house. I suppose it seemed logical at the time but in honesty I know it was a stupid idea. She I hate - and I mean hate - she was abusive from the time I was four, always rude, always put one down, criticised, had very erratic behaviour, and was the master of the guilt trip, always criticised weight to outsiders (even though she supplied diet lol) even examples of her trying to cause physical as well as mental harm, including on one occasion feeding me my father's anti psychotic medication instead if antibiotic I was meant to be on, and assisting me off cliffs at beach (only about 15 feet) into river which ran down to sea. Got more and more jealous as I became a teen. Can you think of any reason why I will ever forgive her or tolerate her in any way? Not only will I not be sorry when she dies, nor feel I have lost something and gained some safety and sanity, I will positively celebrate that she has gone. I don't need counselling have had that over the years until I came across a wonderful person who listened rather than spoke and "gave me permission" to choose whether to try and make something logical and understandable from it all - or just to accept things happened many of which I had blacked out, and I could just choose to accept there were things but I didn't want to know about them - the relief that woman (as it happens) gave was immeasurable, literally a weight lifted from my life - antidepressants in the bin, just from being given permission to make my own choice - so no matter what anyone thinks about guilt or feelings someone should have, I will always 100% support them in doing what they feel right and giving of most freedom to them, other's views and opinions are just that, the OP and anyone else in a similar position should listen to no-one bar their inner self and seek support only if and when they feel it would benefit them. Hugs to all who have been through bad times and still struggle - give yourself the permissions you need to manage and to deal with things. You all have my 100% support. xxxx

Not by any means. Simply because you have a complex relationship dynamic that enables you to both love and resent someone does not mean anything is wrong with you or that your feelings are shameful.

Parents are simply human beings who created and shaped you. There are many sayings and proverbs about this type of things, i.e. "the family you come from is seldom the family you end up with," etc.

It's very difficult to grapple with the concept that hey my parent was a total manipulator or he/she was actually pretty cruel, etc., simply because people who instill fear or shame or other negative self-esteem threatening emotions within us often exploit our vulnerability and as a built-in fail safe mechanism, we become afraid to speak out or deviate from the sense of identity we've developed as a result of those formative behaviours.

Tiger,

This is so common. I know many people in your shoes. My MIL had a hateful mother and MIL was an only child so she caught the entire brunt of it. Some people had a less than desirable mother. It’s unfortunate. She always told me that she would never treat me like she was treated. She kept her word. She was so lovely to me. She used to pray that she wouldn’t turn into her mom. She didn’t use that frame of reference. She broke the cycle!

After I married my husband I would help take care of the old ‘witch’ (I mean grandma, Hahaha, sorry for my brutal honesty and wicked sense of humor!) so MIL could have a break from her mother. She was horrible. I can empathize because I only had a taste of it from hubby’s grandma but you carried the brunt like my MIL did. Sorry that happened to you.

My MIL also had a rotten MIL too. My mother in law said to me one day, “Do you know how lucky you are to have your mom and me, your MIL love you?” She didn’t have that love from her family. I told her that I was grateful for their love. MIL has been dead for a long time now but she lives in my heart forever. I learned a lot from her love and wisdom.

Years later at her mom’s and her MIL’s funeral she was crying. I offered condolences. She replied to me something I will never forget, she said, “I am not crying because they are dead, I am crying for what could have been. It didn’t have to be like it was. They didn’t have to hate me. I only wanted to love them and be loved.” How sad. Her mother wrote hate mail from the hospital bed to all of us. Most people want to have peace before death. She kept hating.

So to answer your question, your feelings or emotions are completely normal! Hugs!

I have always loved reading your posts. You remind me of my sweet MIL. The damage didn’t destroy you. You turned it around and showed love and compassion to others.

I would bet my last dollar if I asked your children if they felt your love they would unanimously say yes! I so admire people who don’t pass on the hurt because it’s very easy for hurting people to hurt others. Take care, Tiger.

I can totally empathize on how you are feeling. My situation is . Our father is still alive and lately I have been wishing he would die. He's 83 and has slight dementia. ie his memory is very bad and he's doing and saying things that upset me. He is fundamentalist Catholic and constantly preaches to me and my sister. It drives us crazy. It's got worse since Mum died this year. I know he's grieving and my husband and I are the only ones that offer him support by visiting him.and doing stuff for him. My sister lives far away enough not to have to do anything. She harbours great resentment and rage towards him as she was constantly smacked by him as a kid and now she's got all this hate in her which she unloaded onto me recently as her own marriage is suffering.
I know I sound terrible saying all these things, but I can't bottle them up any longer.
Yes I have a very complex dynamic with my father in. that I love him but resent him also.

It's not shameful for feeling relieved.🦋 You're free from abuse. Hugs. 💙

🦋🦋To answer your question, your feelings or emotions are completely normal! Relief is not something you should feel shameful for experiencing. 🦋🦋
In a counseling session I would ask if it was okay to say "congratulations, for being free from the abuse ." 🧸😊 And here I would add that, "you're free from abuse that wasn't your fault no matter what you were told."

It's not your fault,
it was NEVER your fault.
repeat that
It's not your fault
It's not your fault

You were likely shamed for your entire life, which is a tactic manipulative psychological abusers love to implement. Guilt and shame. It was all about controlling you, through guilt and shame. Now that you're away from that abuse, you'll begin to realize more stuff about your mother's tactics. It's not your fault.

Although your mind has been trained to utilize the same shame tactics bestowed upon you by your abusive mum, you have permission from everyone here to feel relieved. You can, again exhale in relief. 💚

💚💚💚

You have my permission to feel relieved! It is normal and correct to feel relieved and safe from her abuse and the misunderstood guilt that you learned to feel from her. She may have been abused herself but it is never ok to abuse another.
I had a very angry and emotionally abusive father. I was so relieved when I heard he died because my fear was I would have to take care of him and I feared for my mental health. After he died, I sang all the way to the hospital, felt a huge weight off my shoulders, about cried for happiness that the pain would stop for him and for all of us in the family. I am happy for you and do let yourself dance and sing with joy. You are normal and wise. You recognized the abuse and are careful to not pass that on to your children. You broke the chain of abuse. You are to be commended!

I will never look back. Still caring for mom after 8 yrs and it has been very difficult. I can’t wait for relief. As I said - I will never look back - either negatively nor positively. I just want to move on.

I have had an experience similar to yours. I too was afraid of my mother - she was quite mean. It's been a year, and my life is fuller and I feel liberated. A good therapist helps to erase any guilt that may creep in. Enjoy your life.

This answer may be somewhat different than maybe your other answers. And I want to start by telling you that it is not shameful to feel relief from the passing of someone who represented abuse in your life. Every one of us have the right to peace in our lives. And all of that "not speaking ill o f the dead" is a little silly. If someone hurt you, because they are dead now? What they did doesn't matter and you have to "suck it up?" That's garbage. And you feel the way you feel. They are your feelings. And to get or be confused by someone else's opinion is BS. You know what kind of relationship you had, and no one else....especially here online. And them dying doesn't excuse what they did. Being dead doesn't make them NOT wrong. In other words, yes you have a right to the way you feel. Don't let anyone tell you how you feel. Just saying.

My mother was verbally abusive, I was the family scapegoat. I assumed what she told everyone about me was true and didn’t realize it was all her projecting her terrible qualities into me even though I did none of the things she said. It led to lifelong self doubt and self loathing. I still can not stand to look at myself in a mirror. At around 50 I began to somehow realize nothing I’d been told by her was true, from inconsequential things ,for example where she got a lipstick holder, to facts about me, my appearance and life. That was so shocking to me, to realize how I’d been lied to and about my whole life I felt physically ill when I thought about it. She’s still alive, 93. I’m her medical POA, hilarious when you think about because it shows she knows her other two children would do everything they could to hasten her death( as my sister said, they feel her medical care is cutting in to their inheritance) while me, the supposed lying dirt bag never would lol.
I have as little to do with her as possible. The few times I have been around her she still, even with dementia, gaslights and it just rips the bandaid off old wounds I’ve tried to deal with. Inheritance or not( I expect my sister will attempt to get me off the will), I’ll be glad when she’s gone. Honestly, too much water under that bridge and it’s not going change. Better for me to move on and be with people who actually DO love and appreciate me.

To me relief is normal and healthy when a toxic relationship ends - no matter how it ends. My borderline personality disordered mother passed just over a year ago. I still feel the relief. I have a whole new life ahead of me

You betcha!!! When my sister called with the news that our mother had died suddenly at age 65, my first thought was, “Ding, dong the witch is dead! At 43, I was finally free from her meanness and drama! Not proud of this but it is what it is.

No. My mom died 6 years ago this past October. I've not shed one tear for her. Her abuse was multifaceted.

I’m 44 and also feel the same relief and happiness, my father recently passed away. I feel so liberated to know I no longer have to live in fear of him nor experience his toxicity toward me.
He was a nasty aggressive, abusive narcissist who would manipulate situations to try and spread resentment and hate among people, whilst pretending to be nice.
After all these years I still have panic attacks if I have to read or speak in public. When I was 6 he beat me every couple of days with his belt if I couldn’t read the words from my school reading book. In the end I was so scared of reading I’d hide my school books or lie and say I wasn’t given one to avoid the beatings. He’d then brag to my aunt on how stupid and thick I was, and that I wouldn’t amount to anything. I have spent my whole life trying to avoid him and the verbal abuse.
I had never had anyone to fight my corner and was too ashamed to bring boyfriends home in the past, until I got married a few years back. My husband experienced his behaviour first hand and was shocked, but all came to a head a few months ago when my father was told had to have an operation. Unfortunately he became even more bitter and nasty on my last visit prior to surgery, to the point my husband had to step in.
I told him goodbye and explained to my mother I would not be seeing him ever again, this time he'd gone too far, but to keep me abreast of his progress.
My mother is a vacuous, immature, weak, personality who was easily influenced by my father, she behaved and treated me exactly the same way as he did. Her only saving grace is she is sensitive so would show some kindness at times toward me. But if my father was around she’d switch and treated me the same way as he did. That didn’t stop him from being verbally abusive toward her, she’d sometimes try to argue back but to no avail.
I feel sorry for her because it’s clear this is due to a lack of proper parenting, confidence, and self-worth, whereas I feel no sympathy for my dead father. Even as I type I’m scared he’s going to find out and hurt me, which is daft I know but that’s what trauma does to you.
For everyone who has suffered by the hands of these dysfunctional rotter’s, find solace in that there are many more people out there who feel/felt the same as you do, but are/were too scared to say it out aloud. Be brave, embrace your feelings and find peace. x

Your feelings are your feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. We can't control our feelings, we can only control how we outwardly react to the feelings we have towards a situation.

Do what you can to make your own life BETTER from here.

Good luck!

Why on earth would you be guilty or upset. Praise God it is over. It is like people who are in dangerous or bad situations, or jobs, or marriages, or housing, whatever. They want to "escape" but they are stuck but once they do succeed in moving on, they find peace. This is your blessing. You should be at peace - no guilt of any kind or remorse.

Your feelings are your own just as much as your experience (with an abusive mother) is your own experience. Nobody can tell you how your supposed to feel. Im sorry you were dealt a bad hand in life. You may have PTSD as a result of years of bad treatment. Counseling might help you make sense of feelings, come to terms with the fact that you were not a bad child, but that your mother was not capable of the motherly love you showed your own children. Maybe someday you can forgive her, and that is very liberating.🕊

My dear, what you feel is normal. You did NOT have a good relationship but you felt sorry for her suffering. That is normal but be glad you are free and she is gone. Now YOU won't have to suffer any more. If she wasn't loving and kind and there was no wonderful relationship, you are entitled to feel relief and should never have any guilt. She deserved to go if she had such a negative impact on you. No one deserves that treatment. Now - may peace be with you.

Caring for an aging parent, much less an abusive one is stressful. I rarely see my mother she remembers me but does not recognize me which is fine with me. She’s actually fairly polite now although talks about her “daughter”( me) and how awful she is ( part of her abusive personality) . Took me years but I know I’m not what she says I am. I miss having a relationship with my mother but the only one possible is me allowing her to be cruel to me so now I’m happier as the acquaintance “Wife” of the maintenance man/ taxi driver / neighbor Or who ever she thinks my husband , her SIL , is that day lol