My mother, who lives with my husband and me, wants to be cremated with no service after her death. She is in good health for 100 years old with a great appetite. She is able to toilet and dress herself but does wear disposable underwear 24/7. Since she has made her wishes clear with a sound mind, would it be advisable to make arrangements prior to her death with a local crematorium? My husband and I cared for his parents for several years in our home. His mother passed away in her sleep in her own bed. When we found her unresponsive, we called 911; and it was overwhelming with the fire truck, ambulance, and police cars racing to our home with sirens blaring. Is there a way to deal with a death at home with less fanfare and more dignity?
And yes, hospice is the way to go. You’ll have none of the 911 EMT craziness upon death. Plus your mom will get excellent care .
You will not be under pressure or stress.
As a matter of fact since she knows exactly what she wants you could even bring her to help make choices.
And the big plus..you can pay for it all now..at today's prices and if she dies 2 years from now you will not have to pay more. (other than what would be charged to open a plot or columbarium)
There are requirements that have to be followed. Talk to her doctor about what the requirements are. As a matter of fact talk to the Funeral director about what the requirement is. It may be possible that all you would have to do is contact them, they may have someone that can "legally" pronounce a death.
It is also possible that if you contact Hospice and place her on Palliative Care or other service the staff there can pronounce the death and that would eliminate the need to contact emergency services. (911)
My Husband was on Hospice and when he died I called Hospice, they had a nurse come out she filled out the paperwork and the nurse even called the Funeral Home for me. (I had arranged his funeral about a month before)
Have a family meeting specifically stating when this happens who is to be called etc. My mom is on hospice and the agency’s number is in full sight to call and I am next for the call. This scenario of course is different but same concept.
You know her wishes. That is all you need. What if a funeral home you contract with goes out of business?
Regardless of where or how death happens, you will be provided inconvenience, hardship, stress and possibly some tough memories.
Several people in my husband’s family prearranged for the passing and funeral care of an elderly, but otherwise alert and healthy family member (without her knowledge). I personally felt it was disturbing and motivated by greed. That act was worse than any level of inconvenience they would have had if taken by surprise. I think differently of them now.
If my kids, at any age, initiated the pre-arrangement of my services, I would feel like a burden to them.
When you preplan, you are being a grown up and accepting that death is inevitable for all, and especially someone your mom's age. It is not ghoulish. Our country is so odd about death anymore. The funeral home will be able to tell you how they handle it when she dies. I see no need to call 911. They will pick up the body to prepare it and get the necessary death certificates.
We preplanned my dad's a few years ago so that if he runs out of money, it would be paid for. He already had the plot next to my mom. Best decision ever.
My husband was on Hospice. It might be a service to check into for your mother. She might qualify based on age. If so her life transition can be handled much quieter than a full force emergent event.
I did pre arrange his cremation and went as far as writing his obituary. Even though his death was expected I knew that in the moment I wouldn't be thinking straight and I didn't want to forget anything that might seem important.
I think pre arrangement and following the wishes of your loved one is a wise choice.
Never too late to plan for funeral for yourself or loved ones. I agree with many posters that once in hospice, you do not need to call the police. The hospice staff will take care of certification that your loved one died from natural causes or an illness, not foul play. My dad died at home last year in his bed while in hospice care. No police, ambulance, firetrucks, drama, embarrassment ... (My sister made a huge drama about the funeral service though, but that’s another topic.)
If hospice is not in the care plan, the police needs to be contacted for them to certify there no homicide had occurred. It is the law, so you cannot get around that.
I am glad to hear you MIL is still mostly independent and lucid. I wish my husband is like that.
Several suggestions that made it easier for me when I was with my MIL and she passed at home.
Talk to her doctor as soon as it seems she is failing and get her on hospice at home. Once that is done, the visiting nurses will be checking on her and giving you meds to use if necessary.
Definitely get in touch with a funeral home. Prepay if possible as if for some reason she did end up in nursing care that is an allowable espense regarding the look back and medicaid (if that's a possibility) but not only for that reason - if you have an arrangement with them and with visiting nurses/her doctor, then when she passes the nurse comes out, declares and does the paperwork and calls the funeral home to come and do what they do. When MIL passed I called the VNA, and she came to do what she had to do to declare, then she called the non emergency number of the police and stated there was an attended death at home of a person on hospice. They had no need to come, no ambulance, etc. There was a bit of a wait for the nurse but it was 2 am. Mom passed around then and the funeral home came to pick her up at about 4:30. It's all about getting the ducks in a row. If you don't already have a funeral home on deck as it were, then there is a long wait, paperwork, money.... just set it up ahead of time...
My MIL had her wishes written in her will (cremation, alter flowers, hymns, charitable donations, etc.). The preplanning also meant no disagreements between siblings about her wishes and no guilt for doing her service "wrong."
The only hiccup we encountered was that, in Georgia, the majority of her children had to sign off on her cremation (2 of her 3 kids). That was only a problem because of the long drive to the funeral home/crematorium involved just to sign a piece of paper.
And, yes, the first statement to be initialed was that the children understand that cremation is not reversible.
One thing that would have also helped us was if we had a picture of her already chosen that she wanted in the program at her funeral.
I would have a plan and know who to call to get the ball rolling, when the time comes. Makes things less confusing in an already stressful moment.
Daddy passed at home after being on Hospice for several months. It was a quiet, family event that was actually very sweet and spiritual. We did not call the mortuary for a few hours, wanting to spend a few hours reminiscing, praying and being together as a family.
A day later, we kids went with mother to the cemetery where we gave them dad's clothing, the obituary and chose flowers. We were done and done in under 2 hrs. Mother was able to be calm and at peace.
My FIL died leaving NO instructions whatsoever and it was a hot nightmare from start to finish. I was the only sane one in the bunch and that's saying something.
GUILT overcame the 3 kids and they overspent by thousands and thousands of dollars on things that FIL wouldn't have wanted.
In the end, same result, we had a funeral and all--but my dad's was so peaceful and lovely and FIL's just makes me sad to think about to this day.
I'm pre planned for everything. DH won't do it, assuming he'll go first. Grrrr….
That being said I think you certainly could look into a place to handle her remains. Just know that no matter how much you plan death arrives on it's own agenda. I hope you find the peace you need to proceed.
They pulled his file, as we knew it would be within weeks. He died in hospital, but if he had died at home, they would have come get him with an unmarked van. No need to call 911.
After he died we met with the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. We had a memorial service at his and Mum's church. I attended all the meetings with Mum. He even had a file with his contract with the hymns he wanted sung at the service.
Comparing this to when my mil's brother died. His death was unexpected and it took hours to go through all the forms at the funeral home. And this was just for a cremation, no service.
Far better to plan and pay ahead of time.
We have pre-paid our Mom's wake and funeral and made all the arrangements and are resting much easier after the fact. There is nothing to feel guilty about. This is something that you would have to do down the line anyway. Do it now and save yourself later, when you were surely be aggrieved.
Personally, having experienced an unexpected death, an expected death with arrangements prepaid and an expected death without expenses prepaid, i say YES if possible, take care of the funeral home/cremation fees before hand (where I live, the funeral home has a crematorium and they handle the cremation). You will have one less thing to stress over and worry about when the time comes. If you don’t have the money or access to your moms money, you’ll have a financial burden on your hands. My in-laws both went on hospice with a predicted few months to live. My MIL had the mortuary come out & she picked out what she wanted and & even bought her plot. All her kids had to do was go to the mortuary to schedule the services. My FIL did not make his arrangements or instruct his children to do it, he just said he wanted to be cremated so when he died, his children had to pick a mortuary to come get him and then go down there and deal with all the arrangements & the sales pitches and pay for it out of their own pockets because they could not access his bank account.