Except her husband who drives the dad to doctors appts and occasionally go to lunch. She does not have someone there with them. The mom will not leave the house except to get her opioids refilled by the doctor. The mom hasn't bathed in 2 years, just sponge baths, and she says she sponge bathes, but the stench is bad. My SIL has told me all this and it makes me upset and want to verbalize how I feel but she will get very defensive if I do and it will start a fight! I feel this is pure neglect on their part and the dad also is in the beginning stages of dementia or alzheimers. I forgot which one, we do not talk anymore! Does this sound right to anyone???
If you are worried about this couple's welfare or safety you can request a wellness check with Adult Protective Services. Better would be if you visited yourself (if you are family) instead of getting hearsay reporting from your SIL.
Do you wish to take on the care of this couple now? Have they a DPOA or POA now acting for them?
Have you spoken directly to the Sister who lives near and apparently, with her husband, help the couple with appointments and etc?
You have said that you believe that this is "pure neglect" on "her" part (the daughter). Are you also a daughter? If not, where do you fit in on the family tree? IF you are family I think you do have a right to your own feelings, and to volunteer what care you can give. If you aren't family I think this is the business of the family unless you witness neglect in which case it is the business of the state.
Perhaps it is time for you to visit and help the sister, BIL, and SIL come to some conclusions of what help is needed and what help can be afforded and who wishes to be directly responsible as POA IF such is needed and if this couple wishes to appoint someone at this time.
If you, or other family, do not care to be directly responsible for the care of the couple, and the couple is IN NEED of care, then perhaps a court appointed guardian is the route to take.
There is a couple who is the parent of a SIL and also of a daughter is the one watching over the couple. And who, the perception is, does little other than have her hubby drive them to appointments, and etc. Basically the OP is getting the story from the SIL?
Cali is trying to straighten me out here but I am finding myself more confused than ever. I plead my age!
In short, just let the family settle this out. Tell the Sister in Law you are sorry for her pain. Hope things get better for them. I suspect she is just wanting a sounding board for her pain and confusion. The OP isn't even there and cannot see the truth of any side in this one. Voicing an opinion on it all will just cause further dissention. Wishing them all good luck.
addressed. And, most specifically, you refer to them as "her husband", the "dad", etc.
Are you a part of this family?
Her father is taken to medical appointments by her husband (your brother?) and occasionally out for lunch. (Does the mother go to these too?)
The thing is, the situation doesn't sound good but that is a very long way from concluding that the parents are being neglected by your SIL. Getting people to accept help with personal care is not at all easy, and especially not if there are underlying health conditions or difficulties that caused the self-neglect in the first place.
Why are you not speaking to your SIL, if it isn't because you've said too much about her parents and upset her? If all your information about her parents so far has come from her, you just don't have enough to go on - she may have been venting to you, expressing frustration and hoping for sympathy; things could be better or worse than they sound, you just don't know. If you're concerned about the parents, then you'll have to talk to her - but start with an open mind!
Or, if her husband is your brother, could you ask him about it in an "is everything okay" way rather than a "what is SIL doing about her parents" way.
The one thing I learnedcasca caregiver is not to Judge anymore. I used to think it was awful that family didn't take family in to care for them. But things have changed in the last 50 yrs. Seniors are being asked to care for their elderly parents. And some with their own health problems. Some of the elderly are being cared by grands that they raised. There are those who are and need to hold down jobs. There are those, for whatever reason, weren't able to save for the future. Is it fair that their children need to foot the bill for a parent that drank and gambled their money.
We all have different finances. Finding caregivers is expensive and not easy. Not all can be relied on. Some have taken advantage. ALs are private pay, NHs expensive unless Medicaid elligible. Then there are the parents that won't except help and there is nothing u can do about it if they are considered competent. No, that woman who hasn't washed in 2 yrs is competent but her family has to prove that to get help. Then they need POA or guardianship which is very expensive.
My suggestion would be for SIL is to get Adult Protection Services involved. They can go in and evaluate the situation. She can say they are vulnerable and won't allow her to help.
Caregiving really comes down to money. The parents don't have it but is it fair to ask the children to sacrifice their future retirement to pay for parents care? Most of us doing the caring are middle to lower class.
Do they have the funds to pay for care?
Who has Power of Attorney?
These situations are rarely clear cut. As other posters have said, ask SIL what kind of help she needs. Then tell your DH that his sister has requested help. The 4 of you can come up with a plan, I'm sure.
Sunshine you came to right place for help. I was in your shoes myself and that is exactly how I found this forum. And the wonderful people here helped me immensely and because of them, I realized that first, I needed to communicate with my husband because it was HIS mother and rather than telling others what I thought they should be doing, I should be asking how I could help. And by help, it doesn’t mean hands up help, it doesn’t mean giving baths, changing soiled bedding and depends. There lots of ways we can help our elders and those who are tasked with taking care of them without being entirely hands on. I realized that the entire burden of my MILs care was placed on her boyfriend and that he was doing the best he could all things considered. I know now that the only real valid complaint I had back then was his refusal to let us all help more. I wish I knew this back then but what we should have done was ASK him point blank what needed to be done. We all just kind of said “hey if you need anything just let us know” and that was it. I always made it a point to remind him that I was available for respite during the day. What I realize now is that when I was direct and asked what needed to be done, he was receptive. He wouldn’t tell us unless we asked.
Can you tell us why you thibk your in-laws need caregivers? And does your MIL have dementia? If she’s not bathing, dementia comes to mind.
Talk to your husband about the situation and see what he says. From there, you both talk to SIL and discuss what needs to be done. Don’t tell her what you think she needs to do or what she is doing wrong, I think doing that is why she gets upset and defensive with you. Instead, say “ok this is what needs to be done so how can we do it?”. And as far as getting involved in their care, you can do little things like pick up some groceries, fold a little laundry, tidy up the kitchen. Wipe down sinks. Just little things. Take out the trash. Whatever YOU are comfortable with. You can help arrange for caregivers if that’s what is decided.
Good luck, again I have been here myself and I know it is awful to see people you care about not being taken care of properly. There is only so much we can do as “in-laws” but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing we can do :)
Once again, great posting. I would like to point out one thing you said in reaching out to the OP just now that jumped off the page to me that shows you have shown kindness, growth and insight. “MIL’s care was placed in her boyfriend’s care. Ask what needs to be done.”
I want to thank you for this insightful message. It certainly rings true. I was like your MIL’s boyfriend who was the hands on caregiver and let me tell you it isn’t an easy job by any means. I would not try to do it all ever again.
I took mom in after she lost her home in Katrina and the whole situation escalated from there. I should have allowed her to stay for a temporary amount of time then placed her somewhere. It was an emotional experience and I made errors in judgment.
What I would have given to have heard offers from others. Let me tell you why? It was extremely hard for me to ask for help.
Not hearing offers caused me to feel alone. It placed the burden on me to reach out and after many years as primary caregiver I was too wounded to do so and I felt like a failure if I asked for help so I thought I had to be ‘super woman’ and do it all. I became blinded by it all and eventually burned out. It is not a ‘one person’ job! Burnout is real. People on this forum tried to tell me that. I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Too much pride on my part, perhaps. Maybe I was too proud to ask for help. All of my paying jobs I gave my all to because I learned a strong work ethic from my dad. I was insecure about not being perfect because of my perfectionist mother. It gets complicated.
If people say something like, ‘Call if you need me.’ It does place the burden on the caregiver to ask for help. When we are asked, ‘What can I do to help or something like, ‘Hey, what night may I bring dinner over so you can take a break from cooking?’ Or even better, ‘I will stay with mom for you and hubby to have a dinner out!’ Anything like that would have meant the world to me.
Most people know by now that my caregiving job recently ended because my brothers who did nothing criticized me so freakin much that I ended up telling them if they felt they could do better then by God, have at it.
I told my mom to go with them. Was not a happy ending but therapy is helping me to let go of the idea that not everyone has a ‘fairytale’ ending in life.
Mom will stay with my older brother and SIL until they place her somewhere. We have not been in contact with each other. I am learning to be at peace knowing that I did more than my share for nearly 15 years in my home and many years before that going back and forth to her house for both mom and dad. Sorry for the long rant.
Hindsight is 20/20 for most of us, right? Hopefully we all grow, gain insight and wisdom.
All we can do is learn by our errors in judgment, both by not listening to others and thinking we know best and utilize this information by hoping that we can help others.
Take care, Cali. I have always enjoyed your contribution to this forum.
Sunshine, Cali pretty much took the words out of my mouth. Read her words carefully. There is sound wisdom in her answer. Make contact with your family if you are truly concerned and I would suggest that you reach out with support and love.
We are here to listen to you vent. You owe it to yourself to listen to other’s views. The end decision will always be yours. We have free will. I believe you are looking for answers or you wouldn’t be reaching out to the forum. Read all answers carefully and I hope you are able to find resolution to your particular situation.
It’s fine to discuss situations but perhaps it’s time to take action by offering love and support. Isn’t that how you would want to be treated?
My other comment to the writer is this on a more personal level for her: stay out of this family fight. Your husband should address with his sister... I do wish you luck, but take it from those who are fighting this battle... I would not do it again.