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I was going down this road with my brother until I realized that I could not force him to help or even agree to what type of care was needed. I would have appreciated his input and support, but it wasn't going to happen. Not because he is a bad person, but because he had other priorities and didn't want to provide care. Especially as it would have meant moving, which was not an option.
Do you dislike your siblings or just dislike their actions towards caring. If it is the latter, remember you made the decision to move and provide the majority of the care. If they don't want to help, they don't have to. If it is too much for you, step back.
It sounds like they have resources, so they do have other options. You don't need to be the one to provide hands on care. There are many options for their care and if your siblings don't want to help, look for a solution that will work for you and them.
True… BUT then the siblings better not be waiting like vultures for the MONEY.
Regardless of whether OP helps hands on, or from a distance, organizing, advocating, solving problems:
The siblings should tell OP and the elderly LO, “No thanks. We don’t want any inheritance. Give it all to OP. She deserves that and SO MUCH MORE. She can never get back the time she gave. Money is replaceable. Time is not. Nor is health. OP for sure will have worse health from the stress of helping out.”
I am sorry that you are suffering. I understand how you feel because I was in your shoes for many years. I took care of my parents. Mom had Parkinson’s disease, seizures and dementia. Dad had numerous issues throughout his life, including cancer, heart disease and a stroke.
Eventually, I came to see that I was wasting my time and energy on being concerned about my siblings.
I had to learn tough lessons the hard way and I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone. I pushed myself past my limits because I was confused about what was expected of me.
I was my own worst enemy and I placed the highest expectations on myself.
I had resentment towards my siblings and I regret that. I’m not saying that it is easy to accept being the primary caregiver. It certainly isn’t.
What I am saying is that I was so focused on my own pain during my struggles with caregiving that I must have felt a need to blame others (my siblings) for not coming to my rescue to help.
It hurt my mother tremendously to see us bickering. I live with regrets about hurting my mother and the wasted years of having hard feelings towards my brothers. They had their own struggles and had their own lives to live.
Anyway, mom’s dementia was worsening. I didn’t recognize this and I thought that she was being contrary, when in reality she was struggling to understand what was going on.
I remember telling my mother in anger that when she died, I would never have a relationship with my brothers again. This upset my mother horribly.
Mom ended up playing my brothers and I against each other. She was confused. We were all confused and sadly we hurt each other.
I ended up telling my mom that I had enough and that she could go live with my brother because I was tired of being ganged up on and didn’t want to hear any more criticism from anyone.
I was doing my absolute best for my mother before and after my dad died. Plus, I took care of my father after his stroke and heart issues.
So, mom went to live with my brother and my SIL. She went on hospice and eventually went to an ‘end of life’ hospice care home.
I called my mother and my brother answered. He said, “I was hoping that you would call. I didn’t want to call you and take a chance of you not answering the phone and having to leave a voicemail about mom. Mom is in a hospice care home. I am so sorry that I didn’t understand what you were going through.”
My brother and I cried together and of course, I didn’t hold any grudges against him for mistreating me. Mom lived with me for 14 years and with my brother for a little over a year. I did call and visit mom while she was living at his house.
When all of us went to see mom, she was so happy to see us getting along. Mom apologized to me for being a burden for so long. She said that she had been praying for a way out of being a burden to her children and that she was relieved to be in a care home to die. She missed my dad and said that she wanted to join him in heaven.
So, you see, sometimes we may have the best intentions in the world to help our parents but we aren’t helping them in the ways that are most needed.
I was so very screwed up after hurricane Katrina. I was in shock like the rest of the people in New Orleans.
Seeing my mom’s house totally destroyed (my childhood home) devastated our family, especially mom.
All I wanted to do was to comfort her and show her my love. I guess I went too far by holding on for too long because I didn’t realize that I was causing so much harm to myself by sacrificing my life for her care.
I am so grateful that mom died peacefully in her hospice care home.
I am very grateful to this forum, my therapist, my husband and children and a couple of good friends who saw me through.
I am also happy to say that I have a wonderful relationship with my brothers. I love them dearly.
I realize every family has their own story and dynamics. I wish you the very best in your life.
Your siblings have no actually "responsibility" in this situation. Your parents need to be responsible for themselves and take actions for their future care. Having 8 children is not a retirement plan. You chose to move back to NJ to help but you don't get to choose how much your siblings get involved.
One problem that can arise is the parent(s) do not have the wherewithal to make good decisions regarding their care. That's why there are POA's.
Personally I did everything I could possible to help my father. This however did not meet the approval of my brother who felt like everything was dumped on him (he had the POA for several years prior). I was limited in many thing I could do to help and when I offered help it was met with derision.
Caregiving ruined me and my brother's great relationship forever. On a positive note I got to know his real character.
Is it dislike or is it disappointment? I have two older sisters, who live about two hours away. Mom lived with me prior to having to go into a NH a year ago. While I didn't expect them to help, per se, I certainly never expected them to completely detach, with a million excuses why. Our relationship has always been tense because of the difference in our ages (10 years and 15 years), but I did think they would at least try to keep in contact with me regarding Mom's care. The last couple of times we texted (never a phone call), I was chastised for my "tone", like I was one of their children. I have finally had enough. I love my sisters, but I won't be treated like this when they can't even be bothered to call Mom and talk to her. And don't get me started on their children, none of whom have shown the slightest interest in their grandmother, the last one they have living. So, do I dislike my siblings? No, of course not. Am I disappointed? Yes, to the point that I plan to cut ties completely after Mom's gone. Maybe I should be the bigger person, but I've done that my whole life and I'm done.
I feel for you, Unapologetic. You are between a rock and a hard place.
You do not indicate the "why's" you should dislike your siblings but... Each person is different and to some degree you have to respect their opinions, you may not like them, may not agree with them but that is their opinion. You have yours, they have theirs. Some opinions may be changed with further education/information. You present your "side" and LISTEN to the other "side". Somewhere in the middle of the sides there may be compromise. If you are a caregiver, or they are in my opinion the person doing the caregiving should have "more skin in the game" when it comes to what to do, next steps and care plan. If you do not agree with the caregiver(s) if it is not to late you can ask that POA be given to you. But in most cases the person is not able to change POA due to cognitive decline. And if you wish to take over as POA that means a court room and obtaining Guardianship. And you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it. If the person is getting the care they need, are safe, the POA is not taking advantage financially, not causing harm physically, mentally, emotionally it may be better to keep things the way they are.
For charitable care you can research resources like Area Agency on Aging, your local Senior Services Center. If the person is a Veteran or the Spouse of a Veteran the VA may have resources. (best way to get that information is to contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission or your State's Veteran Service Officer or the VFW and American Legion do amazing jobs at helping. NONE of the ones I listed will charge for their services.
First of all, you didn't have to move there to take care of your parents. You chose to do it. Now you're apparently questioning if that was the best thing to do, and you should question it. You went into the situation with the best of intentions, and it's taken away much of your life. You didn't expect it to be like it is.
Your parents own a home, but has it not occurred to them or their children that the home should be sold to pay for 24/7 professional care in a place where they can be taken care of according to their needs? I don't see their owning a home as a minus but a plus. Their resources of care are THEIR home and THEIR assets. They didn't plan for this, apparently. But perhaps they still could, mom's dementia nothwithstanding.
If you're looking for charitable care, you're looking for someone else to shoulder the financial burden of their sicknesses and dying. That's probably the taxpayer. I'm a taxpayer, and I have enough on my plate without supporting their care too. I saved all my life to take care of myself in old age, and I'm now caring for my husband. Enough already.
As for the siblings, they probably won't be helping, ever. Your parents aren't your responsibility, nor are they your siblings'. That choice you made to move to take care of mom and dad? You also have choices now. One is to move again, as far away as you can go. Then mom and dad will be mom and dad's problem as they always should have been in the first place.
I too live in NJ in the Southwest part. I have 2 brothers, one lives 7 hrs away, the other 30 min. And neither of them did much for Mom. Not even a weekly call even before her Dementia andcshe was a good Mom. I am the one who stayed in the same town, the oldest and a girl. I also was DPOA and would not have had Mom living with me without it.
"They offer no help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, finances, etc" If your parents can afford it hire a Homemaker aide. That person can do all of the above and other things like bathing and dressing. Call your County Office of Aging to evaluate your parents. There maybe resources they can use. Maybe an aide can be supplied if parents are low income. 8 There is also Medicaid for "in home" care. You may want to check that out. If Mom has Dementia, there will be a time when she can no longer be at home. Medicaid can help there too. When that happens, you may want to consult with an elder lawyer. Medicaid allows for splitting of assets so the Community Spouse is not left impoverished.
I don't know about it being wrong for you to not want to deal with your siblings if they are being difficult, but you still have to deal with your siblings unless you completely walk away from the entire situation with your parents. I am one of 4 and the situation with my parents' care has broken the family. Everyone is contributing what they can, but it is the behaviors of some that have made the entire situation more difficult. We still communicate because we have to. When my parents are gone - which could be years - I will no longer be communicating with 2 of my siblings. That is ok with me. I wouldn't wish their behavior on anyone.
Yes, it is wrong. Because at the end of the day it is solely upon ourselves to prepare for old age. It is completely unfair to hijack another person's life to play independent. That's what your parents and you want from your siblings.
If your folks need more help then the 2 of you can provide, they need a village and that means hired care or help or a facility.
Disliking someone because they won't do what you think they should is manipulative, imo.
By the way, I am the one that stepped up while the golden child lived his life. He was free to make that choice, just like I was free to decide what level of help I would give.
Even if it is just apathy it just means you have different priorities and expectations than they do. Maybe you we able to see the decline more clearly because you come from away, maybe you're just a take charge or a get your ducks in a row kind of person. I have no doubt my sister cared about my parents but she is the kind of person who thinks about doing something but never follows through, I don't know what would have become of my mom if I hadn't been around but I'm 100% sure she would have been in a nursing home 5 years sooner. But I don't hate my sis, I just accepted that my choices were not hers. But then she didn't try to interfere either, so there's that.
How long since you relocated to become the caregiver? If you relocated because you were the only sibling willing to take it on, what made you think your siblings would participate once you came on the scene?
As Hothouseflower wrote, is it not apathy on the part of your siblings, but rather that they think your parents need facility care? Were you the one who said no to that?
Who has POA/HCPOA? The house needs to be sold to finance their care.
You cannot choose your family like you can choose friends.
Don't have expectations. Expectations are premeditated disappointment.
You aren't responsible for other peoples' happiness, including your parents'.
That being said, I fully agree with what Hothouseflower posted to you in a reply:
"I have a feeling it is not just apathy. Maybe your siblings think your parents shouldn’t be living at home anymore and they refuse to enable them to live ‘independently’.
I would suggest working with an eldercare lawyer to determine what options there may be for them to be eligible for resources they are going to need."
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate this situation.
Unapologetic, you can't assume people into the caregiving role, including family members. If your parents aren't legally prepared, are failing cognitively and physically, don't have robust financial means and aren't cooperative (or any one of those issues), everyone trying to help them (including you) will burn out because it is an unsustainable arrangement. It doesn't matter how loving and well-intentioned you are. Burnout is a real thing that wrecks adult children. Please read some of the posts about Burnout on this forum. Also, getting that many siblings on the same page will be exhausting all by itself. [Geaton777]
My parents are in need of care and support as they navigate the challenges of aging, and it deeply disappoints me to witness the lack of involvement from certain members of our family. My dad is on dialysis and has other health issues and my mom is suffering from dementia. I had to relocate back to NJ where all my7 siblings lives because they refuse to share in the responsibility of care. We've had meetings regarding the matter however most of them are not stepping up. My brother helps out a little and says he can do more but he's busy. The other siblings contribute very little help if any at all. Finding resources has been difficult because my parents own a home. So yes, I'm a caregiver, that's trying to work and care for both parents, The days I don't work remote, my brother is at their home working remote, so they're not alone. They offer no help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, finances, etc. I'm the primary caregiver. Needless to say, I despise being around the majority of my siblings.
“Am I wrong for not wanting to deal with my siblings?”
I don’t understand such questions. Do you want someone to say:
Yes it’s wrong, you should deal with them.
Same with this question: I really don’t understand why you ask this: “Is it wrong for me to dislike my siblings?”
Do you want someone to say: Yes it’s wrong, you must not dislike your siblings. You’re obliged to like them very much, all the time. Go ahead and start liking them right away.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do you dislike your siblings or just dislike their actions towards caring. If it is the latter, remember you made the decision to move and provide the majority of the care. If they don't want to help, they don't have to. If it is too much for you, step back.
It sounds like they have resources, so they do have other options. You don't need to be the one to provide hands on care. There are many options for their care and if your siblings don't want to help, look for a solution that will work for you and them.
BUT then the siblings better not be waiting like vultures for the MONEY.
Regardless of whether OP helps hands on, or from a distance, organizing, advocating, solving problems:
The siblings should tell OP and the elderly LO, “No thanks. We don’t want any inheritance. Give it all to OP. She deserves that and SO MUCH MORE. She can never get back the time she gave. Money is replaceable. Time is not. Nor is health. OP for sure will have worse health from the stress of helping out.”
Eventually, I came to see that I was wasting my time and energy on being concerned about my siblings.
I had to learn tough lessons the hard way and I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone. I pushed myself past my limits because I was confused about what was expected of me.
I was my own worst enemy and I placed the highest expectations on myself.
I had resentment towards my siblings and I regret that. I’m not saying that it is easy to accept being the primary caregiver. It certainly isn’t.
What I am saying is that I was so focused on my own pain during my struggles with caregiving that I must have felt a need to blame others (my siblings) for not coming to my rescue to help.
It hurt my mother tremendously to see us bickering. I live with regrets about hurting my mother and the wasted years of having hard feelings towards my brothers. They had their own struggles and had their own lives to live.
Anyway, mom’s dementia was worsening. I didn’t recognize this and I thought that she was being contrary, when in reality she was struggling to understand what was going on.
I remember telling my mother in anger that when she died, I would never have a relationship with my brothers again. This upset my mother horribly.
Mom ended up playing my brothers and I against each other. She was confused. We were all confused and sadly we hurt each other.
I ended up telling my mom that I had enough and that she could go live with my brother because I was tired of being ganged up on and didn’t want to hear any more criticism from anyone.
I was doing my absolute best for my mother before and after my dad died. Plus, I took care of my father after his stroke and heart issues.
So, mom went to live with my brother and my SIL. She went on hospice and eventually went to an ‘end of life’ hospice care home.
I called my mother and my brother answered. He said, “I was hoping that you would call. I didn’t want to call you and take a chance of you not answering the phone and having to leave a voicemail about mom. Mom is in a hospice care home. I am so sorry that I didn’t understand what you were going through.”
My brother and I cried together and of course, I didn’t hold any grudges against him for mistreating me. Mom lived with me for 14 years and with my brother for a little over a year. I did call and visit mom while she was living at his house.
When all of us went to see mom, she was so happy to see us getting along. Mom apologized to me for being a burden for so long. She said that she had been praying for a way out of being a burden to her children and that she was relieved to be in a care home to die. She missed my dad and said that she wanted to join him in heaven.
So, you see, sometimes we may have the best intentions in the world to help our parents but we aren’t helping them in the ways that are most needed.
I was so very screwed up after hurricane Katrina. I was in shock like the rest of the people in New Orleans.
Seeing my mom’s house totally destroyed (my childhood home) devastated our family, especially mom.
All I wanted to do was to comfort her and show her my love. I guess I went too far by holding on for too long because I didn’t realize that I was causing so much harm to myself by sacrificing my life for her care.
I am so grateful that mom died peacefully in her hospice care home.
I am very grateful to this forum, my therapist, my husband and children and a couple of good friends who saw me through.
I am also happy to say that I have a wonderful relationship with my brothers. I love them dearly.
I realize every family has their own story and dynamics. I wish you the very best in your life.
Personally I did everything I could possible to help my father. This however did not meet the approval of my brother who felt like everything was dumped on him (he had the POA for several years prior). I was limited in many thing I could do to help and when I offered help it was met with derision.
Caregiving ruined me and my brother's great relationship forever. On a positive note I got to know his real character.
I feel for you, Unapologetic. You are between a rock and a hard place.
Even a minute of you feeling disappointed, angry, sad, because of their behavior IS a minute you’re not happy.
Whenever possible, cut bad people out of your life.
Each person is different and to some degree you have to respect their opinions, you may not like them, may not agree with them but that is their opinion. You have yours, they have theirs.
Some opinions may be changed with further education/information. You present your "side" and LISTEN to the other "side". Somewhere in the middle of the sides there may be compromise.
If you are a caregiver, or they are in my opinion the person doing the caregiving should have "more skin in the game" when it comes to what to do, next steps and care plan.
If you do not agree with the caregiver(s) if it is not to late you can ask that POA be given to you. But in most cases the person is not able to change POA due to cognitive decline. And if you wish to take over as POA that means a court room and obtaining Guardianship. And you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it. If the person is getting the care they need, are safe, the POA is not taking advantage financially, not causing harm physically, mentally, emotionally it may be better to keep things the way they are.
For charitable care you can research resources like Area Agency on Aging, your local Senior Services Center. If the person is a Veteran or the Spouse of a Veteran the VA may have resources. (best way to get that information is to contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission or your State's Veteran Service Officer or the VFW and American Legion do amazing jobs at helping. NONE of the ones I listed will charge for their services.
Your parents own a home, but has it not occurred to them or their children that the home should be sold to pay for 24/7 professional care in a place where they can be taken care of according to their needs? I don't see their owning a home as a minus but a plus. Their resources of care are THEIR home and THEIR assets. They didn't plan for this, apparently. But perhaps they still could, mom's dementia nothwithstanding.
If you're looking for charitable care, you're looking for someone else to shoulder the financial burden of their sicknesses and dying. That's probably the taxpayer. I'm a taxpayer, and I have enough on my plate without supporting their care too. I saved all my life to take care of myself in old age, and I'm now caring for my husband. Enough already.
As for the siblings, they probably won't be helping, ever. Your parents aren't your responsibility, nor are they your siblings'. That choice you made to move to take care of mom and dad? You also have choices now. One is to move again, as far away as you can go. Then mom and dad will be mom and dad's problem as they always should have been in the first place.
"They offer no help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, finances, etc" If your parents can afford it hire a Homemaker aide. That person can do all of the above and other things like bathing and dressing.
Call your County Office of Aging to evaluate your parents. There maybe resources they can use. Maybe an aide can be supplied if parents are low income.
8
There is also Medicaid for "in home" care. You may want to check that out. If Mom has Dementia, there will be a time when she can no longer be at home. Medicaid can help there too. When that happens, you may want to consult with an elder lawyer. Medicaid allows for splitting of assets so the Community Spouse is not left impoverished.
If your folks need more help then the 2 of you can provide, they need a village and that means hired care or help or a facility.
Disliking someone because they won't do what you think they should is manipulative, imo.
By the way, I am the one that stepped up while the golden child lived his life. He was free to make that choice, just like I was free to decide what level of help I would give.
I have no doubt my sister cared about my parents but she is the kind of person who thinks about doing something but never follows through, I don't know what would have become of my mom if I hadn't been around but I'm 100% sure she would have been in a nursing home 5 years sooner. But I don't hate my sis, I just accepted that my choices were not hers. But then she didn't try to interfere either, so there's that.
Snap.
Mine said it all depends how you think about things. What are clear signs & symptoms of decline to one (me) appear invisable to another (sib).
As Hothouseflower wrote, is it not apathy on the part of your siblings, but rather that they think your parents need facility care? Were you the one who said no to that?
Who has POA/HCPOA? The house needs to be sold to finance their care.
Don't have expectations. Expectations are premeditated disappointment.
You aren't responsible for other peoples' happiness, including your parents'.
That being said, I fully agree with what Hothouseflower posted to you in a reply:
"I have a feeling it is not just apathy. Maybe your siblings think your parents shouldn’t be living at home anymore and they refuse to enable them to live ‘independently’.
I would suggest working with an eldercare lawyer to determine what options there may be for them to be eligible for resources they are going to need."
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate this situation.
The thing I don’t understand, is why you ask whether it’s wrong to despise or dislike them.
I could understand if your question is, what to do about the situation.
You don't like your siblings as people? Or are you annoyed, resentful or angry at their behaviour & how that is effecting you or other people?
Are you a caregiver in need of more people in your caregiving team?
My brother helps out a little and says he can do more but he's busy. The other siblings contribute very little help if any at all.
Finding resources has been difficult because my parents own a home.
So yes, I'm a caregiver, that's trying to work and care for both parents, The days I don't work remote, my brother is at their home working remote, so they're not alone. They offer no help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, finances, etc. I'm the primary caregiver.
Needless to say, I despise being around the majority of my siblings.
I don’t understand such questions. Do you want someone to say:
Yes it’s wrong, you should deal with them.
Same with this question: I really don’t understand why you ask this:
“Is it wrong for me to dislike my siblings?”
Do you want someone to say:
Yes it’s wrong, you must not dislike your siblings. You’re obliged to like them very much, all the time. Go ahead and start liking them right away.