Just the sight of my father irritates me. I
interact with him as little as possible. Thank God he doesn’t need 24/7 care. Any conversation I have had with him is either about himself, or his religious obsession. He brings prayer books to the dinner table when he knows it irritates both my husband and me, and furthermore tries to get me interested in them WHICH I AM NOT.
Unfortunately we can’t put him into care as we now have no money.
I’m not in the best of health at the moment and have to go to hospital to
have thyroid surgery. I’ve put on so much weight since he’s been in our home. I’m cranky I’m tired and I want it all to end. I know I sound horrible and unfeeling, but it’s what I’ve become. Furthermore, I hate my brother who insisted that we care for him and has made sure we can’t do anything about it by dipping into our inheritance. Oh yes, there’s been empty promises to sit down and have a conference about his care but it never happens. We are still stuck with him for god knows how many more years
Do you want to be Dad's caregiver?
Yes? But with more support? With an alternative longer term plan being made..?
No? You want him to move out?
What do you want?
Your brother cannot appoint HIMSELF POA for your father.
If dad wants to eat the dinner you cooked, there will be NO PRAYER BOOKS OR TALK OF RELIGION at the table or he can eat alone. You are allowing this behavior from him, which is what perpetuates it. We have a rule in my house, no cell phones at the dinner table. Structure Prevents Chaos.
Put your foot down hard now. Hire an elder care attorney to sift thru the bs your brother has brainwashed you with, to see what your options are.
Best of luck.
Think you or maybe better your husband needs to stand up to brother. Tell him other arrangements need to be made for Dad. Your health is such that you can no longer care for him. If he refuses then get Adult protection services involved. Tell them u need to place Dad and brother refuses to use Dads money.
Its not an inheritance until Dad dies. Till then its his money to be used for his care. Thats why brother wants u to care for Dad. All you do is when Dad passes is contest the Will saying brother has spent his part of his inheritance. He will need to prove where Dads money went.
Your thyroid problem probably contributed to ur weight gain.
"Hyperthyroidism is an overactive thyroid (when it produces too much thyroid hormone). Hypothyroidism is an underactive thyroid (when it does not produce enough thyroid hormone)"
Hypothyroidism you gain weight, Hyperthyroidism you lose.
Actually, it has shown on scans that I was born without a thyroid gland, and there are two benign tumours on my parathyroid glands which are separate from the thyroid gland. I’m on daily medication for hypothyroidism but this latest problem, my weight has gone through the roof. It’s very upsetting. I feel sick all the time. Thank goodness for my husband as he will be helping me financially with hospital bills. I have no job, no money and my brother hates me.
If you resent your father it’s high time that you forgo being his caregiver. You seem to have different outlooks on life but I don’t think that is the underlying reason why you are tiring for caring for your father.
You’re exhausted and that is enough reason to want to stop caregiving.
How much money does dad have left? Enough to pay for care in a facility? If not speak with a Medicaid specialist to determine what is needed so that he can be placed in a facility.
Best wishes to you and your family and I hope your upcoming surgery goes well.
If Dad has money then he can go into care on HIS money. No child should pay for their parent's care unless that child is independently wealthy, or that child will not have money for his own old age.
So Dad goes into care. If he has any money it is no longer YOUR inheritance; it is HIS money for his care. IF brother has taken his money from him and he is penniless and in need of care you will need an attorney to help him apply for Medicaid, which will be complicated by his "gifting" and the Medicaid lookback.
Sadly your situation is also complicated by your having taken your Father into your own home. Once you did that he is your tenant whether he is a paying tenant of not If you intend to evict him this will ALSO require an attorney.
Unfortunately you have painted yourself into a bit of a bad corner here. It happens. It can be repaired but you will need an attorney to help you, or at the minimum a Licensed Social Worker. Your sad note to us serves as a lesson for others contemplating bringing bothersome elders into their living space.
Seems like you have an issue standing up for yourself, since you folded to your brothers bullying. Your brother cannot spend your fathers money on himself, so I do not understand the inheritance thing.
Simple way to fix this situation, tell your brother that your father has to leave, either go to the brother's house or a facility.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
You do understand that he can live a long, long time, my mother is 98 and still hanging in there.
In order to change this situation, you need to realize that he won't/can't change.
Unless you reframe the situation and change your thinking and your actions, the situation won't change.
YOU don't pay for his facility care.
He does.
If you no longer want him living in your home, you are entitled to say so and make that happen.
What has brother got to do with it?
My Dad had a weekender, brother made him sell that, and my father had initially bought it for us to use when he passed away, but my brother didn’t like that idea. He wanted the money. This is what hurts though, my father has never really trusted my brother( adopted) always doubting his integrity over money matters. I’ve always defended my brother to my Dad, saying that he’s not like that, he’s honest etc etc. but now it looks like my Dad was right. Even my brother in law who is an attorney, is doubtful of my brothers ethics. At the moment I don’t know what we are going to do. Before now my brother and my relationship was good.