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My mother, while not officially dxed with dementia, acts like she has it--she can't string a whole thought together.
Sometimes I kind of correct her, mostly I let it slide. I can't follow her train of thinking at all.
I just agree with her, unless it's something of real importance. I mean, does it MATTER that she is obsessed with my nephews twins and ignore the other 27 greatgrands? Nope.
I did correct her a couple weeks ago when I had to tell her I have cancer. Her response "Oh, your daddy will be so happy to see you!" (Daddy died 15 years ago). I replied, 'Mother, LISTEN to me. I am not going to die. I'm just going to go through chemo for 4 months". She shook her head, "Oh no, you're going to die."
This kind of negativity, whether she's aware of it or not, I do not need in my life, so I am taking a timeout until I am done with chemo.
It DID hurt that the thought of my dying elicited zero 'sadness' in her.
But that's the price you pay for a brain that no longer 'works'.
With my mother and her dementia, combined with huge narcissistic personality traits, it's impossible to discern the "dementia" from the sheer meanness she's always exhibited. Can't sort the bull from the chit, I like to say. I feel irritated with her 95% of the time due to her foul mouth, which was there long before the dementia dx, by the way, so visits and phone calls are cut down to the bare minimum these days. The dementia has managed to take away what little filter she'd had on her mouth to begin with, making her almost unbearable to deal with. I'd like to say that mother's brain NEVER worked right, only now it's even more broken.
Here is the list I was looking for regarding Living With Dementia:
1. Agree, never argue 2. Divert, never reason 3. Distract, never shame 4. Reassure, never lecture 5. Reminisce, never say "remember" 6. Repeat, never say "I told you" 7. Do what they can do, never say "you can't" 8. Ask, never demand 9. Encourage, never condescend 10. Reinforce, never force
WillyB I don't mean to be mean here but your loved ones brain is dying. It is frustrating and heart breaking and an insidious disease.
If you can, check out Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She talks a great deal about how we as caregivers have to change our approach because our loved ones can't with very practical advice.
Hang in there, good luck and always know there are people here to help.
No. The dementia brain cannot be taught by any exercise. You are only frustrating the person. The white matter is not there. You will cause anxiety and that indeed will make the dementia worse. You really need to read up on the subject before you attempt to think in this manner. It is like asking someone with a severed spinal cord to walk, because, you know, "use it or lose it". Sadly, it is already lost. There are some marvelous studies out there including the most famous, the "Nuns Study" that shows that we may perhaps help in prevention, tho even that is uncertain. Suggests that keeping a healthy brain adapting to new and different tasks is great for it. For instance, if you do Sudoku, perhaps do a few crosswords as well. Or vice versa. Good luck. It is a FASCINATING subject, though one that is sad for many of us. There is a huge difference in how different dementias manifest, and that is stuff even new to the experts. Oliver Sacks, before his death, wrote amazingly fascinating essays about our brains, including our brains with dementia. Good luck, and wishing you well.
Here is a link to a good article about what not to do with Alzheimer's/dementia patients: https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-not-to-do-to-people-with-alzheimers-disease-97967
Thank you for the input. All very helpful. I need tp pray for more patience & acceptance. Our doctor never told me what expect neither the private home care company
The Dr should have explained some of the symptoms to you and gave you some fact sheets. Although there are different types of dementia and Alzheimer's is different on its own there are some common symptoms.
This forum has some great and knowledgeable people on here and there are articles that can help you to understand some of the disease, unfortunately, you will have to learn by walking down the path as we all are or have done.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. Don't be to hard on yourself because as Oprah has said, "when we know better then we do better." You are doing the best you can with what you have and that is all that matters.
It's not so much a matter of if it's "wrong" to try to coax the correct answer out of someone with dementia. At some point, a person with dementia is unable to answer certain questions or to convey what they are thinking because of the dementia. The person with dementia isn't trying to be difficult, they just don't have the capabilities for thinking they way they once did. It's not stubbornness, it's the disease.
Allowing the person with dementia to think what they want is not "giving in" to them. It's keeping them at peace because having dementia is terrifying and debilitating. When people with dementia are corrected they can become agitated and depending upon how advanced their dementia is that agitation can last for hours. It borders on cruel.
We can't expect our loved ones who have dementia to participate in our world. They're incapable of that. We have to go to them in their world and be with them there. That means we accept them as they are, we respect them and their feelings, and we show love and compassion regardless of how capable or incapable they may be.
A person with dementia has a broken brain! So, think of it and your theory this way; if a person has a broken leg that person can't exercise it until the bone is healed. Once the bone is healed then the person can learn to walk on it again.
The brain of a person with dementia will "Never" heal! It is dying! This may seem mean and I believe your heart is in the right spot, but that person we knew; the one who we called mom, dad, hubby, wife, or whomever they were is leaving our world and going into a world of their own and we can not save them. We can not ask them to not go and we can not follow! All we can do is love them; treat them as we wish to be treated; make sure they are fed and safe until the day we say goodbye!
Please, we can not make them do something that they just simply can not do!
But I do see where you are coming from "if only" it was that simple!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sometimes I kind of correct her, mostly I let it slide. I can't follow her train of thinking at all.
I just agree with her, unless it's something of real importance. I mean, does it MATTER that she is obsessed with my nephews twins and ignore the other 27 greatgrands? Nope.
I did correct her a couple weeks ago when I had to tell her I have cancer. Her response "Oh, your daddy will be so happy to see you!" (Daddy died 15 years ago). I replied, 'Mother, LISTEN to me. I am not going to die. I'm just going to go through chemo for 4 months". She shook her head, "Oh no, you're going to die."
This kind of negativity, whether she's aware of it or not, I do not need in my life, so I am taking a timeout until I am done with chemo.
It DID hurt that the thought of my dying elicited zero 'sadness' in her.
But that's the price you pay for a brain that no longer 'works'.
1. Agree, never argue
2. Divert, never reason
3. Distract, never shame
4. Reassure, never lecture
5. Reminisce, never say "remember"
6. Repeat, never say "I told you"
7. Do what they can do, never say "you can't"
8. Ask, never demand
9. Encourage, never condescend
10. Reinforce, never force
If you can, check out Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She talks a great deal about how we as caregivers have to change our approach because our loved ones can't with very practical advice.
Hang in there, good luck and always know there are people here to help.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/5/alzheimers-dementia/articles
For other information, go to the blue/green bar near the top of the page and click on CARE TOPICS.
Best of luck!
This forum has some great and knowledgeable people on here and there are articles that can help you to understand some of the disease, unfortunately, you will have to learn by walking down the path as we all are or have done.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. Don't be to hard on yourself because as Oprah has said, "when we know better then we do better." You are doing the best you can with what you have and that is all that matters.
Hugs!!
Allowing the person with dementia to think what they want is not "giving in" to them. It's keeping them at peace because having dementia is terrifying and debilitating. When people with dementia are corrected they can become agitated and depending upon how advanced their dementia is that agitation can last for hours. It borders on cruel.
We can't expect our loved ones who have dementia to participate in our world. They're incapable of that. We have to go to them in their world and be with them there. That means we accept them as they are, we respect them and their feelings, and we show love and compassion regardless of how capable or incapable they may be.
The brain of a person with dementia will "Never" heal! It is dying! This may seem mean and I believe your heart is in the right spot, but that person we knew; the one who we called mom, dad, hubby, wife, or whomever they were is leaving our world and going into a world of their own and we can not save them. We can not ask them to not go and we can not follow! All we can do is love them; treat them as we wish to be treated; make sure they are fed and safe until the day we say goodbye!
Please, we can not make them do something that they just simply can not do!
But I do see where you are coming from "if only" it was that simple!