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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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Mother in law has lived with us for 9 yrs and has advance dementia takes alot of care. She has money but my husband refuses to spend it for her care in a memory care unit. It has taken a toll on our marriage
Mollydog1, please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. Not very good odds. Let hubby know about that.
Ask him if something happens to you, then what? Let him know he will be on his own to care for his mother. It would be interesting to see what he says.
I think this is a marriage problem as much as a MIL problem. I was a nurse my entire career, and I LOVED it, but it DID let me know early on that I could never have cared for family in-home and 24/7. Not EVER. And that is with a family I love dearly and with all my heart--the best folks ever. I cannot know what your agreement was with your husband early on in taking in an elder, whether his or yours. I cannot know what it has been ongoing and who assumes most of the work. But in ANY circumstances and no matter the answers to those questions, when one person can no longer go on caregiving, then it is over. I would sit with your husband and tell him that you cannot go on. That your reasons are your own and not open to any argument. That you will now have to make decisions going forward. I think that I would first make certain that your assets cannot be frozen by your husband, as I would be saying that if Mom cannot now enter care, you will be leaving the household. That you will get a legal seperation. That you will go on with your own life, caring for him, and even trying to support him if his decision is to continue in caregiving his mother. This isn't about right and wrong. This is about limitations and you are up against yours right now. You might ask him to attend a few sessions of counseling with a licensed Social Worker in private practice in counseling first. I think it is important you get your OWN thoughts, feelings and intentions clear in your mind. Then proceed to sit gently down with your husband and tell him where you are at. I fully understand that there is nothing easy about this. Your husband has made his decision but he has not made YOUR decision. That is for you to make now. Be sure to take whatever time with it that you need and consider counseling on your own should your hubby not wish to go. I surely do wish you the very best.
Molly, it is not wrong to want to change jobs. Or to retire from one, is it?
Only when one is a slave or indentured servant are those choices taken away from you.
What your husband wants is immaterial. If your caregiving is what enables him not to get his mother caregivers in the home or facility care, then it seems pretty clear to me that one solution is to take a vacation. Visit relatives. Take a cruise. Absent yourself from home and see if it changes his mind.
I am not one to advocate divorce, but knowledge is power. Consider consulting a divorce attorney to see what your rights/responsibilities are and what prudent financial moves you should be making.
Exactly Mikurotoro! It’s very hard (impossible?) to find the right man, while you’re busy locked up somewhere, helping all the time. There’s no chance to meet anyone. And anyway, you don’t just want to meet anyone - you want to meet the man of your dreams.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Ask him if something happens to you, then what? Let him know he will be on his own to care for his mother. It would be interesting to see what he says.
I cannot know what your agreement was with your husband early on in taking in an elder, whether his or yours. I cannot know what it has been ongoing and who assumes most of the work. But in ANY circumstances and no matter the answers to those questions, when one person can no longer go on caregiving, then it is over.
I would sit with your husband and tell him that you cannot go on. That your reasons are your own and not open to any argument. That you will now have to make decisions going forward. I think that I would first make certain that your assets cannot be frozen by your husband, as I would be saying that if Mom cannot now enter care, you will be leaving the household. That you will get a legal seperation. That you will go on with your own life, caring for him, and even trying to support him if his decision is to continue in caregiving his mother.
This isn't about right and wrong.
This is about limitations and you are up against yours right now.
You might ask him to attend a few sessions of counseling with a licensed Social Worker in private practice in counseling first.
I think it is important you get your OWN thoughts, feelings and intentions clear in your mind. Then proceed to sit gently down with your husband and tell him where you are at.
I fully understand that there is nothing easy about this. Your husband has made his decision but he has not made YOUR decision. That is for you to make now. Be sure to take whatever time with it that you need and consider counseling on your own should your hubby not wish to go. I surely do wish you the very best.
Why doesn't H want to spend his mother's money for her care? Is he in the will to get everything when she dies? Is he an only child?
It's just that most of her workers are unreliable so everything falls on me and my brother
We just need to find a way to allieviate the stress and burden
I had to hire/fire many caregivers. Our experience:
Agencies were unreliable! (I’m referring to not showing up).
Private caregivers ALWAYS reliable.
We had theft problems with both systems, agency and private. Right now I found fantastic private caregivers.
Only when one is a slave or indentured servant are those choices taken away from you.
What your husband wants is immaterial. If your caregiving is what enables him not to get his mother caregivers in the home or facility care, then it seems pretty clear to me that one solution is to take a vacation. Visit relatives. Take a cruise. Absent yourself from home and see if it changes his mind.
I am not one to advocate divorce, but knowledge is power. Consider consulting a divorce attorney to see what your rights/responsibilities are and what prudent financial moves you should be making.
This is what is KEEPING me from finding love so I need to decides which is more important