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Hi, I'm having difficulty dealing with my mother, to the point where I feel like leaving her behind.


Most conversations are "normal" with her. But at times, I can see non-verbal cues that she is agitated, while her voice increases. During these moments, she tends to become reactive, opiniated, or full blown confrontational. Yet the subject of the conversation is unrelated to an actual issue. But she'll tend to make it one.


Moreover, she is having more outbursts over time for minor things. For example, I added midgrade (octane) fuel instead of regular fuel in the car the other day. She panicked and told me not to do that, because of the incredibly high prices and that the engine would probably get damaged. She came outside the car, pointing at me, and loosing her sh*t.


Her outburts and childish behavior tend to be about a decision I took, or a preference I have. Sometimes she'll defend her position for the smallest thing, as if her reputation was on the line.


Sometimes her behavior will be a bit strange. When she's by herself, I can hear some strange sounds, a bit like repetitive, low-level sounds she makes with her mouth. When I ask her what's up with that, she says she's singing.


When an argument arises from her behavior, sometime she'll just say "stop, stop, stop", as if we could just pause everything and continue as if nothing happened.


Her memory is pretty incredible, yet she'll keep telling me the same story many times in the course of a few weeks. Otherwise, I don't notice any issues with motor skills, routine tasks, even driving. So I doubt it's dementia. What's going on?


What makes this difficult for me is that her IQ appear normal. We have many intelligent conversations. I did notice anxiety when I try to explain complex concepts, but my assessment is very subjective.


I don't know what to do and will soon start moving away and reduce our communication to a minimum. Any help welcome.

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I sure wish you'd get her to a doctor to find out what's going on rather than blaming her for something she clearly can't help and pulling away. If you can't handle her declining, then OK, but I implore you not to leave her on her own because she's becoming annoying to you.
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If this isn't "normal" behavior for her I think she needs to be seen by her doctor. There are other non-dementia illnesses that can cause some of her symptoms (such as: tumor, thyroid, high blood pressure, diabetes) and maybe she is having a mental health issue but a neurologist would probably need to check her for organic problems to discount anything else.

You of course are not under any obligation to become her manager or caregiver, but if you have had a decent relationship with her, and there is no one else willing/able, it would be merciful to help her through to a diagnosis because whatever is impacting her behavior seems to be making her less able to find her way through it. My cousin was just diagnosed with ALZ at 68 and it's progressing really fast but she was on thyroid meds and that had to be sorted out first.

I hope you receive answers and much peace in your heart as you both work through what's going on.
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I wouldn't be thinking that it's not dementia. Some of the things seem like it - being defensive, telling you the same story, anxious over complex topics.

Does she have any mental health issues?

Does she regularly see her PCP? If so, you could get a confidential note to them to ask for an eval about these issues. My mom was behaving oddly and still could do a home memory test just fine, so I don't put a lot of stock in those tests. They unfortunately don't look at enough issues. My mom could not plan, figure out anything beyond the simplest things, repeated so much I thought I'd lose my mind, etc.

I'm assuming these behaviors are new for her and not just part of her personality. I'd assume she's got something medically or mentally going on (dementia and depression often have some similar symptoms) and cut her some slack and help her get evaluated.
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AnotherDay1 Jan 2022
Hi againx100,

Thank you for your reply. I don't think she sees her doctor more than once a year. I guess there's nothing wrong exploring what you mentioned. An MD could find out that there is something going on, or not. Knowing she's ok would be nice too. I'm sure I'm part of the problem, but I don't know how much.
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I think you came up with your own answer. It sounds like moving away is a good idea, and that less communication would be a good thing. This would take the pressure off you, and would allow you to find more pleasurable outlets for your time. It sounds to me as though argument has become somewhat a habit with you both, and for you both, and that your Mother may be just as unhappy were we to ask for her "side of things". She might write a post quite similar to your own. You do not notice any alarming changes, in my humble opinion. I sometimes just chalk things up to Covid, to too much social media, to a general increase in anger and argument I see of late in the world, then pick up my puzzle book and relax a while. Wishing you both the best.
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AnotherDay1 Jan 2022
Hi AlvaDeer,

Thank you for your reply. Absolutely. There's no doubt I'm being judgmental in my assessment. Whatever the outcome, I think it's time for me to move away. She might be happier after this.
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