My husband & I unfortunately live in different countries for now and he is a caregiver for his parents who's health are rapidly declining especially this year. He has no siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles who can help out, so he is fully on his own. He's incredibly burnt-out & I said some things I feel terrible about last night.
Last night we had our first argument ever in 3 years because every time he's supposed to come visit, there's always something that pops up the day before with his parents. The first few times this happened I thought ok, this is just bad luck and a coincidence, but now I've caught onto the pattern. Things will be smooth sailings for a while, then all of a sudden things go south right before he's about to leave.. I think they're afraid to let him leave for a week or two and they act up (usually I'd cave & go alright I'll just come to you then, don't worry about it). He was supposed to be here a week ago but there was "scheduling issues" with the nurses coming to the home legit the day before leaving (I'm 99% sure his dad called them and messed with the schedule). Now there's "emergency appointments" all of a sudden (which aren't really emergencies) so he can't be here for another few days. This has happened before & it ends up the whole trip is cancelled cuz things keep popping up and we don't get to see each other.
I got really upset last night over video call & told him I'm starting to resent his parents for not letting him leave, the way they treat him, & for the incredible amount of debt they just discovered they're in (meaning finding proper care for them isn't an option). I also said this isn't how I expected our marriage to go & that I'm worried rarely being able to see each other is going to drive us apart, and that I don't want to stay at his parents' house anymore if I don't have to. I also told him I'm angry that he hasn't taken matters into his own hands when it comes to scheduling nurses early enough before a planned trip instead of leaving it up to his parents. I told him too that they have had over 50 years of marriage, now it's our turn to have a chance at that.. we should be building a life together, not have our lives evolve around his parents..
My poor husband is so burnt out, just exhausted and depressed. He's got so much on his plate so I feel horrible for what I said. On the other hand I've been supporting, patient, and helping out whenever I'm there. He's very hurt by what I said last night, I understand why and I should've handled it differently. He thinks our marriage isn't as strong as he thought it was before last night.
I don't know what to do to make his life easier anymore. I'd never leave him, ever, but it feels like it's starting to be too much for both of us & I'm starting to get fed up. He's trying to please everyone which is impossible, and his own well-being is on the back burner which is very sad.
Any advice on how to handle this? How can I help my husband balance his life more? How can I talk to him about how I feel without being selfish? How to talk to his parents about letting him leave once in a while despite their fears (his dad is a classic aging narcissist and his mom is very passive, making them difficult to reason with)? What kind of additional support can be set up for them to make sure they feel comfortable him being gone sometimes?
Best of luck to you.
Granted, old people pull the fake "emergencies", the "staged" falls, and the fabricated "crises" all the time as a tool to control and manipulate the people in their lives. It's also a common practice to get attention.
There does come a time when even the people who love them the most say enough already.
The fact that your husband isn't telling his parents enough already and returning to his rightful place with you his wife, is what I'd be worried about.
His parents can be put into a care home. Such places do exist all over the world. You say they've got nurses coming and they have a house so I'm going to assume that they're not living in the third-world.
My friend, I don't want to be the one to tell you what I think you probably already know and if you don't then you probably have some suspicions.
Your husband is using his parents and the 24/7 caregiving he has to do for them as an excuse not to return home.
My guess would be he probably has another woman in the country he's living in.
I think it's time for you to take a little trip and see for yourself just how bad off your in-laws are and how much caregiving they actually need. Make it a surprise visit.
Then talk to a divorce lawyer.
I told him we need a "break", explained why, and he did not take it well. He is still convinced he is the good guy & I'm the bad guy. He's made his choice & it's heartbreaking.
All my friends say that if they were him they'd make the trip over even just for a few days esp when the marriage is clearly about to fall apart. He however isn't budging, his parents have him wrapped around their fingers.
Oh well. Sad situation, but I'm already feeling better honestly..
Thank u all for ur support 💖
Wishing you continued happiness.
The baby bird grows and leaves the nest.
If the baby bird DOESN'T leave the nest when it is grown, then that baby bird is not ready to raise it's own family.
You don't have an inlaw problem.
You have a husband problem.
We cannot change others. We can only change our own choices. I think you will be very unhappy if you persist in unrealistic expectations of this man. It is said of broken marriages that the couple ALREADY KNEW what would break the marriage on the day they married. I have found this to be true, personally.
I wish you luck in your own choices. You already know things; you have choices to make that none of us can really assist you in.
Sorry, but I think it's time for an ultimatum.
I don't know how to help him put up solid boundaries with them & explain to him in a kind way that our life together should be priority.
Do a 180. You KNOW by now that nagging, recriminating, railing, accusing (all quite justified!) is just…NOT working on this guy. And he has had the GALL to begin to question the marriage? Oh, sheesh! YOU are the one who ought to be questioning it.
But back to the 180. Do a turnaround. Be calm and neutral on the phone, don’t argue…just basically say, “mmm-hmmm, yes,I see…” and get off the line after a few polite sentences. Distance yourself emotionally. Let him SEE that you are just…over all the quibbling about it. Don’t call him, and maybe don’t answer his calls for a day or two. When he does get in touch, just say, “oh, I assumed you were busy with them.”
If he wants you two to stay married, he will sense your distancing, and make an effort to get his priorities straight. If not, well…call a lawyer. This would be a deal-breaker for me, frankly.
Good luck!
If he values his marriage he needs to figure something out. If he can't or won't do that, then he's chosen his path. File for divorce.
If he knew he had this level of responsibility towards his parents, he really had no business getting married and subjecting a wife to this treatment. You as his wife should come first. Shame on him.
I think your husband just never learned how to say "no' to anyone. Except you.
Here's the thing. To marry, one must be a free agent and able to commit to be starting a new family unit.
HE has to make a choice, to commit to being married to you, and helping his parents ARRANGE care for themselves (no, Dad, I can't come take care of you.).
If he can't do that, he isn't living up to his part of the marriage contract.
It's just that simple. This is not a temporary problem, like a brief, acute illness or accident. This is an on-going "rest of their lives" scenario.
You would do well to seek an annulment or divorce now
You said you and he have never actually lived together (other than occasional short visits). That makes him a part-time friend, not a loving spouse that you can rely upon.
You also said that you would never divorce him. Why not? You don’t have a husband, you have a part-time selfish leech. You need to re-think never divorcing, because even in religions it is firmly said that a husband is supposed to cleave to his wife, not his parents. Your part-time leech obviously doesn’t believe in cleaving to you. He remains firmly cleaved to his selfish parents.
If I were you, I would open my eyes to this painful situation, make a list of exact dates he ever visited YOUR HOUSE from the date you married, the exact dates he on short notice or zero notice canceled his travel plans to visit you, etc….
Then go visit a savvy experienced lawyer about getting an annulment because your part-time leech married you under false pretense. If the lawyer says that an annulment is not possible, protect all your money, home ownership, MAKE A WILL specifically mentioning that he is not to inherit from you, etc…and then file immediately for divorce.
If you stay married too long, or you don’t take his name off your bank accounts and so on, you can find yourself in a world of trouble.
I know you have been given a lot of excellent advice, most of which has probably stung you badly and shocked you, but a shock is what you need in order to get your rear in gear and fix this unsavable marriage and mess.
I agree wholeheartedly with what Bounce wrote:
“…I can tell it's going to be heartbreaking for you to accept that the way it's been for three years just isn't right.... But it's better to realize and accept that now instead of wasting any more of your good years hoping it's going to be different with this man!
I feel like God has the right person out there for all of us and this includes you Ellamo. Someone who wants to be with you every day, live in the same house as you AND build his life with you! The longer you stay in your current marriage, it's keeping you from finding the one who can truly make you happy. I wish you all the best.” - end quote from Bounce -
We all want you to have a loving, mature full marriage with a man who is your everything, not a marriage with a part-time selfish leech which is what you are enduring right now.
Get on it! We are pulling for you!
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edited to add: please do not have any children with this man. That condition would tie him to you and your house and citizenship forever. Do not rely upon condoms…sneaky people since the dawn of condom-use have arranged for condoms to fail. If he thinks you really plan to leave him, he could conceivably (double-entendre) woo you full court press with romantic intimate relations, and purposely impregnate you so you will never leave. Make sure your gyno puts you on close to foolproof contraception, keep your contraceptive actions secret from him, then assuming you normally use condoms, let him continue to use a condom, and if he sneakily pricks his condom to try impregnate you, you should still be shielded and okay via your own secret contraception. You cannot be too careful!
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