Is there a way to break through the passivity/indifference of my mom?

My 38 yo daughter told me the other day in a random conversation that she started wearing 'period panties' 24/7 and how wonderful they are. She has a bleeding issue which needs surgical attention, but she simply can't take a week out of her incredibly busy life to deal with it. I asked her about them and she said "well, they are no thicker than regular undies and I know if I have an 'episode' I'm going to be fine". She also pees when she laughs hard or sneezes (thanks to 10 lb grandbabies!) She's a fanatic about being 'fresh' and used to change her undies 3xs a day when she was a kid, so I believe her assessment of this. She embraced the change and the 'fix'.

These would be efficient for mild incontinence, she said, and are actually sold as such, but she loves them.

For the OP--accepting that your mom is aging and will likely have much worse to come---I'm sorry for that. Been there with my mom & MIL and there isn't much you can do but accept and adapt.

You might not be mentally ready for her to be in “diapers” but she obviously is physically and mentally ready.
You need to change your way of thinking.
Things will not get better or easier. Hate to be a downer on this.
Your mom will start needing help with all ADL’s .

I can usually sympathize with most posters here, but to say YOU aren't ready mentally for her to wear adult diapers, maybe start there. What is best for HER?

wearynow: Imho, it is quite likely that your mother has lost her olfactory sense.

Get her overnight pull-up Depends or similar garment. Put overnight pad into them as well. Since she is oblivious to her problem, you probably will have to change her pads and Depends. This way it may be less frequently. Also consider escorting her to the bathroom every 2-3 hours while she is awake to try to use the facilities. My husband currently uses the Depends + overnight pads combo while he is in bladder training post cancer surgery. It works well for about 8 hours - if he avoids caffeine in the evening.

You might also get her an appointment to see the doctor. She could have a UTI or urogynecological problem where she can not hold her urine. Those problems could be resolved. She also could have some brain injury - stroke - that may be the reason for this new problem.

Perhaps a warning about ending up in hospital with a UTI on a drip if she sits in wee all day might encourage a discussion.

I think if you thought this out again, you could say "I'm not mentally ready to have her sit in pee all day and stink". You are frustrating yourself much more by refusing the diaper. Let the diaper do its' job...soak up the pee. You might start with incontinence pads - like the oversized ones labeled as 'overnight'. They work well for some leakage as you try to make your way to the potty. If that's not enough then go for the pull up or adult diaper....if you think she can diaper herself.

Save the furniture, her clothes and your mind...give in to the adult world of a padded butt!

I'm sorry but this is not really about if you are ready to put her in diapers. She obviously needs to wear pullups - my mom wears Always and they work well for her leakage. I'm not sure if they can handle the emptying of her bladder?

What conditions does your mom have? To be willing to sit in wet pee clothes, I'd guess she either has dementia or is very depressed. Either seems like it could keep her from caring about or doing anything about her wetness.

It doesn't appear she is interested in doing this on her own. Hire someone to come in and change her. To put her on the toilet every X hours.

Hi Weary,
The change in abilities is so suprising and frustrating, isn't it? My mom was always had everything 'just so', and the loss of her ability to take care of her herself was so hard for me to understand--how was she ok with the saturated pads and wet pants? Why was she not changing out of them when they were wet? I just didn't understand at first that the losses include being able to initiate and do multi-step tasks.
After she made the switch to the incontinence briefs, she kept looking for her undies until I removed all of them from her dresser. The briefs are a bit bulky, but not too bad. If you're undressing her out of undies then this will be the same. Do you belong to something like a Costco, or Sam's Club, or BJ's? You can get the briefs there for a bit less, and in a bigger amount. We use the BJ's house brand and they're similar to Depends.

You didn't mention if your mother has dementia. My mother was unable to deal with her own incontinence when she had early stages of dementia. If there is dementia, don't expect her to learn and remember anything new. You'll find it much easier to handle if she wears the disposable incontinence panties. There are also disposable pads that you can put on her chair and under her when she sleeps.

Hi, my dad was very similar. When I first went home to take care of my mom (she broke her hip and was my dad’s caretaker) I had this issue with my dad. He would pee on himself and not tell anyone. He would insist he wasn’t wet even though his clothes were soaked.
It had been going on for awhile (I live 400 miles away and hadn’t been home for a year due to Covid).
His skin was red and tough from sitting in urine for hours on end. You don’t want to get to that stage with your mom. We had to go above and beyond with keeping his skin clean and dry because it was so irritated.

I had to make it part of the daily routine to check him every few hours and make him wear depends. He would complain because it required him moving more often but that was actually good for him to get in that exercise.

We also started using washable chair pads for him to sleep on and similar ones for his bed. Clean up is much easier if/when the depends leak.

I felt overwhelmed at first but after a few weeks it became easier. Sending you support and love.

Putting her in adult incontinence product is not cruel. There are some really pretty ones out there.

Get your mind around your mom needing to be in diapers or pull-ups now. If she's peeing herself her clothes won't be the only things that get affected.
Your furniture will be getting peed on. So will your rugs if you have any. Then the whole house stinks of piss and there's nothing you can do about it except tear up the carpeting and throw away the furniture.
Take some precautions now. Put your mother in pull-ups. Get protective covers for the furniture so it doesn't get ruined. Furniture is expensive. If your money is tight can you afford to spend a fortune on new furniture and carpets?
No one wants to see their parents or anyone they love go into diapers. You love your mom, so bite the bullet and do what must be done. It will be better for her too because if she's sitting in piss soaked clothes, she's going to get a UTI. Wearing a pull-up is better than getting a UTI. Good luck.

It is part of this stage in life. As others have advised, it’s time to switch to disposable pull ups. Today, they are made very attractive so that’s a bonus. Don’t wear yourself out trying to change clothes several times a day and spend hours washing wet clothes.

Weary has been on this forum for a while just posting now and then. She had to bring her Mom from India because there was no one to care for her there. She was able to get her Mom residency but her Mom is not entitled to any benefits like Medicaid for 5 years. Her Mom has no SS or Medicare and will never have them because she never worked in the States. Weary is totalling supporting her Mom. Paying for her health insurance monthly. This is all new to her so please, have a little patience. People come here for help, not to be criticized. We all learn as we go.

I think the original poster was perhaps unaware that Depends and the like are available in pull-up form. There are literal adult diapers, used in facilities for people who are less mobile, which work like baby diapers and must be changed lying down. This, I can understand, the OP didn't wish to deal with. Pull-ups are great and the person, if physically capable, can change them herself - but will need reminding. Nevertheless, the problem with incontinence will mount up and there are several great responses about getting this mom a good evaluation, physically for UTI, etc,. and cognitively, and doing something as soon as possible to assure she doesn't sit in urine all day (bad for skin and for socialization, for obvious reasons; bad for furnishings and home environment). If a facility is not desired or affordable, a home care aide might be a good idea, even for part of the day - say in the AM to help mom change and bathe for the day. Important to have good skin care with barrier cream to maintain skin integrity. Good luck!

Yes, POA as soon as possible. And geriatric psychiatrist as soon as feasible. You are not going to reason with someone who is mentally ill any more than you can talk them out of pneumonia.

Urine will cause skin breakdown that will be far more difficult to handle than diapers. Depends pull-ups, in my experience - not very absorbent. Definitely augment with pads.

Adult incontinence is very, very hard to handle. There is also the massive laundry you incur. There is endless changinng of bed linen. It will ruin anything with upholstery.

I have found Unique Wellness Absorbent Underwear (pull-on) with Nasa Technology to be good for 8 to 12 (overnight) hours.

I am 74 years old and do not wear diapers. I wear INCONTINENCE apparel. I greatly take offense at your attitude. If she were bleeding, would you let her bleed and not put on a bandage? I am so angry at how you expressed your disdain, disgust, and hatred at your mom's natural aging process. Have you tried to take her to a Urologist to see why she can't make it to the bathroom? How about finding out if she has Diabetes? Now, I find even with the incontinence underwear, that is not enough to hold all the urine. So, I also use incontinence PADS on top of the underwear, plus that wasn't enough, so I cut up old clothing and made rags which I roll with socks in the middle like burritos. Please get some psych or social worker help for not just your mom, but also for yourself to help you adjust to the fact your mother is no longer young.

When you put her in Depends, also, buy the Poise pads for women. My husband is in diapers and wears Maxium Guards for men. I simply change the guards during the day. It is a lot to take his shoes and clothes off to get to the diaper. The pads are easy to do. Hope this helps.....

Tell her you can’t visit when the smell is that bad my mum has heating on all day and night even in summer I’m going through the menopause and jut told her that I can’t come round as it’s too hot she turns it down now it’s hard when they get older isn’t it as they are so stubborn

Sounds like she needs a different type of care. A facility would have ways to get her changed. Eventually her skin will breakdown and from my experience healing sores is very difficult. I was a member of the skin team while working long term care. I would discuss with her that she is getting ready for nursing home care due to her lack of good judgement. That might shock her and get her interested in helping herself. Sitting in wet Depends will also damage her skin. Her problem is apathy and a loss of good judgement in my opinion.

Time for Depends pull ups. Not diapers!

Sorry, time for pull ups. Hopefully at this point she won't know the difference. People with Dementia lose the ability to smell very early on. One of the first signs of Dementia is loss of smell.

You simply have to accept that this is the new norm for mom and roll with it.

If she is unaware she peeing her clothes, then you have to treat her as you would a baby. Changing a soaked diaper/pad will just be part of the daily work. We're just beginning this with mother. She had her catheter removed and now has to wear incontinence briefs full time. It takes her 15 minutes to change--and she can do it herself. It's just annoying. BUT--saturated her bed and recliner everyday was completely unacceptable. The recliner got shampooed every day and didn't ever really dry. I think she really needs a new one!

Realizing our parents have come to this point in life is hard. If they fight you, it's even worse. But it's unsanitary and smells awful---and is absolutely not dignified, truth be told.

Mom is fighting us on the incontinence panties and pads, but nobody will take her in their cars if she is simply non-stop peeing, which is what she does now.

This isn't about you--it's all about mom. And yes, it's sad to see this kind of decline.

Thank you all - your feedback is valuable in telling me where I'm going wrong. I will try to get the Depends.

You're 'not ready' to face the fact your mother has dementia, is incontinent and requires adult briefs now??

It makes no sense to me that you'd rather clean up a body and clothing that's saturated with urine than to face reality and get your mother properly clothed in adult incontinence products. It's part of what you signed up for when taking her into your home to live with you. It's not pleasant, but it's easier to change Depends than it is to change soaking wet clothing! Not to mention, it's healthier and more hygienic for her and your entire household. Nobody should be sitting in wet clothing on furniture all day long.

"Telling your mom" anything is not going to register with her. Dementia robs a person of their reasoning skills and no matter how many times you tell them something, it doesn't get thru. I got my 80th call this morning from the memory care AL where my mother lives. She was 'getting up to go to work' this morning and fell out of bed, yet again, b/c she doesn't remember that she can't walk. So she's fallen 80x already and soon, I'll be getting the 81st call on the same matter. She hasn't gotten hurt yet, which is a miracle in and of itself, but it's only a matter of time before that changes, too. At almost 95 years old, sooner or later, she's going to break a bone in one of these falls.

Stop trying to use logic with dementia, and stop trying to ward off the inevitable with your mother. Learn all you can about dementia so you know what you're dealing with. Knowledge is power.

She’s not indifferent, she’s unable to process the steps to fixing her situation on her own. I’m sorry this is going on but she’s not going to change except to worsen, it’s the sad reality of dementia. Make peace with adult incontinence products and decide if you need more help to sustain her care

Respectfully, the one who needs changing is you. You seem to be in denial that your mom is no longer capable of reason and logic, and possibly even memory issues, therefore "telling" her anything won't work and will only serve to drive you crazy and make yourself exhausted because you're using the wrong strategies to help her (and you).

Has she ever had a cognitive/memory test by her doctor? If not I think this is the second step you need to take (and also to discount that she's having a different problem, like UTI, thyroid, over- or under-medicating, diabetes, etc).

The first thing I'd do is to find out if she has an assigned DPoA to take care of her medical and financial affairs when she is no longer able. If she doesn't have this, I strongly recommend you try to encourage her (not force her) to do this, and you'll need to help her get it done. You can read up on what this entails on other topics on this forum, and why it's important for her to give this legal authority for someone.

The reason why the diagnosis comes second is because if a PoA is created after someone is diagnosed, it can be contested (and mostly by contentious siblings or other family members). But an actual diagnosis will give you better guidance as to how to help her, like if she can benefit from certain meds, etc.

I'm so sorry you are coming to the realization that your mom is now less able to help herself and you are working and maybe even have a family as well. FYI you and your family are a priority over your mom -- if you don't get this order correct you will burn out and then everyone will suffer in some way. Please take care of yourself. For a while you'll feel like you're drinking from a firehose. Teepa Snow has some very good videos on YouTube so that you can learn about dementia and ways to make working with your mom easier through understanding the disease and how it impacts her abilities, and what behaviors it causes her to have. Her brain is broken and she can't help it. If you step up for her please do it being as fully informed as possible. This forum is a wealth of info so search for your questions to get lots of helpful answers.

You can remove all her cloth undies and replace them with adult incontinence ones so she doesn't have a choice but to wear those (if she even realizes she needs a fresh one).

I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help your mom!

Reminding her to wear and change incontinence underwear is infinitely easier than cleaning up urine soaked clothes and furniture, I can't understand your reluctance. If your mom had a brain injury caused by a traumatic fall or accident would you still expect her to be able to manage her own care? Alzheimer's and other dementias are brain diseases, they gradually, inexorably destroy brain tissue and no amount of "willpower" is going to change that.