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My father is living with us, and he does and says things that are extremely irritating. Usually, I let it go and say nothing, but the last week, he is totally setting my teeth on edge and I’ve drawn his attention to things he’s done or said (BIG mistake) we’ve had two arguments this week. Just little things. He’s a gaslight extraordinaire! I feel like I’m the monster.



My husband tolerates him for my sake, but he doesn’t like to see me upset. My siblings don’t care if it doesn’t interfere with them getting their inheritance, so I tell them nothing. I did something I haven’t done in ages last night, I just burst into tears. I could feel my chest getting tight and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I know my dad has dementia but I’m afraid I don’t take that into account as much as I ought to.



Thanks for listening.

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My grandmother has alzheimer's and dementia and when my mom talks about it with others, she tells them to just roll with it and not argue.
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Favegirl1 Oct 2022
I see. does the grandmother live with your mother and /or you?
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Hi all, just an update on my situation.
my sister has just told me in the last couple of days that she has been diagnosed with possible Hashimoto disease and that all the depression that she has had to deal with in the last forty odd years of her life has been caused by our father’s treatment of her. Yes my father was brutal and he was physically abusive at times. But now he has dementia and can’t remember anything anymore. and if anything we should have dealt with it at the time.
But then she went on to play the blame game with me. How when we moved Dad in with us, he wanted to get rid of all his furniture and valuables. He nagged and nagged us. I asked my brother to help us but he was too busy playing golf every weekend. So when my husband and I did get rid of it, we were the monsters in a big conspiracy against my siblings. She bought that up and went on to say that i shouldn’t have had him live with us. Yes we shouldn’t have and it was a mistake but my siblings offered no help, no other options than what we did. To top of this melodrama, she then told me that all she cares about is the money and she doesn’t want to sacrifice any of it by putting him into care. So it’s my fault for trying to do the right thing was the message I got. That my feelings and life with my husband and father means absolutely nothing to her. Nothing has been resolved. I feel like shit.
it’s all about her and always has been.
i got off the phone and was enraged . I just can’t talk to her. I’ve silenced her calls and messages on do not disturb.
the way I feel now and shall from now on, I just can’t feel any joy at the prospect of inheriting anything now. Thank Heavens my husband is financially secure. So as far as I’m concerned is that she and my brother are welcome to all my Dad’s money when he’s passed. I haven’t and won’t mention this to my Dad as there is no point upsetting him. My reward will be having no future contact with them.
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sp19690 Oct 2022
So what if your dad has dementia and can't remember the terrible things he did to his children? These things still happened. Although your sisters thyroid issue is not because of this abuse.

I get you dont want any of dad's money but technically by not getting him out of your house and moving him into a facility you are just dealing with all of your dad's carp and preserving his money for your brother and sister.

Still not sure why you are torturing yourself by insisting on letting a demented old man who is still abusive (albeit in a different way now) live with you.

Eventually his dementia and behavior will be bad enough that you will have no choice but to place him in care.

And all the years of stress and mental and physical illness that comes from this stress of having him live with you will be your legacy from him. With the end result being the same had you placed him sooner rather than later.
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My Mom has always been a narcissist to some degree (large at times). Now that she is in her 80’s and knows (somewhat) that she has alienated several family members and burned some bridges along the way, she tends to want to hang up the phone when I (and siblings) bring her unacceptable choice of words to her attention. She rarely listens when I talk to her, therefore, she doesn’t remember what I do say. She will regularly ask me the same questions over and over. I then remind her that I told her that yesterday. She will say I don’t remember what you said. When I tell her that I am concerned about her memory, she gets very angry. She will say that she has a better memory than mine. It’s hard to tell if it’s narcissism or if her memory is really failing. She’s been on pain management for a long time. It could be affecting some part of her memory. I’m not sure if I could ever live with her. She’s a gas lighter too. I do love her very much. However, sometimes I don’t like her. I’m guessing that your Dad may have been narcissistic before his dementia. I can only imagine how difficult the situation must be for you now. It can be hurtful. Try approaching him like he’s your patient instead of your Father. When he gets cranky, try to remember that his brain cells are dying and he probably feels like he’s losing control because he can’t remember. His frustration is understandable, but so is yours. I would say only what I have to-to him. Try writing things down and posting them in the house where he can see them so that he is constantly reminded of normal things without you having to say it all the time. Or, just do what you would do to help him (fixing meals, cleaning him up, etc.) without always asking what he wants-because he probably doesn’t know. Maybe you could get an Aid part time to help with some things-laundry, bathing, cleaning, etc. Listening to music, favorite tv shows, or a preacher daily that he likes might be helpful too. This year, I lost my Step-Father to Alzheimer’s in March and my Dad to Alzheimer’s last week. Additionally, I lost my Godmother to Parkinson’s Alzheimer’s at the end of March. The Lady I helped take care of for 8 years passed in June, and my former Mother In Law passed last week. It’s been a very emotionally challenging year. I do miss them, but feel relieved that they are no longer suffering. My spiritual faith keeps me grounded most of the time. Thank God!
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Sad that OP is going to continue in this madness. Why?
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Favegirl1 Oct 2022
Because it’s fun.
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To all of you who
have contributed kind meaningful and sound advice, I thank you sincerely. I
will hoped to have resolved this situation asap but I shall tune out of this forum for a while now until the issue has been discussed. It may be a long while . God Bless all of you and your equally, if not more difficult roles as caregivers.
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Llamalover47 Sep 2022
Favegirl1: Thank you for your post.
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I suggest, here, that you are feeling overwhelmed. May I further suggest that you need to find ways to give yourself some needed relief from your caregiving. You would not want to endanger your marriage either. Somewhere down the road, using your acquired wisdom, you will have to place your father in a facility. Some resist placement in a facility, but with the passing of days and growing familiarity with the professional staff they feel comfortable.
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My wish for you is that you dont wait until Christmas for that talk with sister who is POA because you know she is just going to delay it until after New Years and beyond. Please tell sister that she has 30 days to find a place to move dad to. After that date you will do an ER dump and wash your hands of all of them.
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Favegirl1 Oct 2022
Hi there
just letting you know that my brother is POA. My sister is Power of Narcissism.
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Favegirl1: Before you actually do have a medical event such as a heart attack because your father has pushed your buttons one too many times and you are on your last nerve due to his irritating comments, place him in a managed care facility. Unless your siblings want to take over the care, tell them the inheritance means zilch to you as your health is paramount. Best of luck and do not become the PATIENT.
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Favegirl1,

I've just read through the thread and I honestly hope that you take the necessary steps to get your father into care as soon as possible. The caregiver role is hard enough with advancing dementia, without the added history of 'psychological smothering and over-protectiveness' that are but one aspect of the toxicity meted out by even mildly narcissistic parents (if there is such a thing as mild narcissism).

You'll never know how much of his behavior is disease-related and how much of it's intentional gaslighting and I doubt that he knows, but you need to have him placed in care to save your own health and sanity. This cannot continue and no amount of correcting or redirecting will change anything. You need your home back; our home is our refuge and right now, you have no refuge. I feel for you, I truly do because I came too close to placing myself in the same position.

It seems that your siblings have failed to realize that his estate is just that: His. Estate. It's not for their futures and it seems as though they don't care enough to take him in while expecting you to preserve his estate for their future enjoyment. His estate monies are for his care and to be used accordingly.

You mentioned that your brother is POA, does this include Medical POA? I only ask because you need to have medical evaluation of your father's cognition and behaviors and then use that medical documentation to have him placed in care. I would not wait until Christmas, I too see that as a stalling tactic being used by your sister.

I'm it for my Mom, I'm her sole solace and while she's still able to, she has someone call me to aid her out of the confusion and hopelessness that she finds herself in. We talk daily and I visit her weekly, as much as possible. I have to take time for myself, my grandkids, estate maters, etc. and I try to not feel guilty when it's never enough.

When my Dad passed suddenly from CoVid, I wanted to bring her home; mainly out of guilt over all that my folks did for me and mine throughout their 42 year marriage. Once in a MC unit, I fairly quickly realized that despite our solid relationship and my being a retired RN, I could not possible care for Mom 24/7. And now that all has advanced, I'm grateful that she is where she needs to be. I've been trying to have her moved closer to us, but most places have long wait lists due to critical staffing shortages. That is something you may wish to consider: getting him on the list for the facility you feel will best meet his needs.

I've seen others post about having to film their parent in their unfiltered behaviors in order to convince others of cognitive issues, cruelty, or whatever the case may be with family members and others in denial. Do your siblings care about you, your health and sanity? In my dysfunctional family system, I was the Scapegoat and perhaps some lingering family dynamics are in play here. You need to stand up for your own needs; it appears that your siblings won't.

If you can find an Elder Care specialist or care team nearby, bring your father in for eval., start looking at places for him, seek some type of Respite care in the interim, and stand your ground on your father moving elsewhere, with a sibling or in care. If you reach the point of believing that your brother is failing to properly administer estate funds and they all continue to be overly content to leave you holding the bag, then reach out to state aging services and explore your options.

You don't have to remain trapped and you cannot go on like this. The father you've loved and the complex relationship you've struggled with has reached a different place and he is perhaps now more cognitively impaired than he is the father you've always known.

If it's any comfort to know, it's possible that once dementia reaches later stages, you may again have glimpses of the loving dad you knew; the gaslighting and all the rest of it fades and they can become more kind and loving. One can hope.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
This is splendid advice also. Now I just need to grow a backbone to stand up to my selfish greedy siblings. Yes my sister is stalling the process. I get the condescending platitudes from her, and get off the phone after talking with her, feeling enraged. But to tell you the truth she has always been selfish as long as i remember. So now they are causing me more anxiety than my father does. I hope to God that they will be prepared when I have a heart attack or nervous breakdown. Clearly they don’t care about my health or married life. They’re getting free care for Dad. Insanely this week I thought up crazy ideas in my head in letting them have all the money including my share but cutting off all contact with them after my fathers passes and his estate is settled. They make me sick.
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Please understand that dementia is a disease, and your father cannot control his behavior, neither can you. Do yourself and others a favor to save yourself. Place him in a facility and get yourself a professional to work through your problems, in including guilt and gaslighting. You won't do anyone any good if you wind up sick, even dead from the stress. Thanks for reaching out to our forum. I want to know your updated decision, and all the best to you, your family and friends.
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A daughter who is the parent's caregiver is not as effective as a male speaking to them. The daughter's are usually the ones who get the abuse too. That's how it is with us women.
Your husband is the one who should be having a word with your father.
He can speak plainly to him and say that either he stops with the innappropriate comments, guilt-tripping, and disrespect towards you or he will no longer be welcome to live in your house.
Then you and husband should approach your siblings and both of you speak very plainly to them. Either they step up and start helping with your father (and by helping I mean they take turns taking him to their homes on weekends), that you will be placing him in a care facility. Then they won't have to worry about their inheritance because there won't be any.
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bundleofjoy Sep 2022
“A daughter who is the parent's caregiver is not as effective as a male speaking to them. The daughters are usually the ones who get the abuse too. That's how it is with us women.”

i feel you’re very right.
:(
:(
:(
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I doubt he will learn to think differently. He might learn to stop the comments when you say I have to leave the room now, in surprise, if nothing else. You might regain calm more quickly if you separate for awhile.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
Unfortunately I’m a hothead. I’m cranky all the time. My hubby, the dogs cop my frustrations. Separate for a while! I’d love to separate permanently from my father. I can no longer stand him in our house.
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Favegirl1, you are doing a wonderful thing. Don’t be concerned about breaking down once in a while. It really IS a depressing thing to see your loved one going through this. I try to change the subject whenever possible. I learned long ago to abide by the stuff I’ve read re memory loss. You just can’t argue with it! Hang in there.
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LoopyLoo Sep 2022
Taking abuse and gaslighting are not a wonderful thing. At all.
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Sounds like the solution is separation with love = placement. Call "A Place for Mom" and/or the care advisor on this site. A meeting with a Social Worker to get him accessed and a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can prescribe medications should help immensely.
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Hi Favegirl! My mom with mild/moderate dementia lives with me and hubby so I totally feel your pain! My mom and I used to get into arguments before her issues progressed to dementia. We'd not talk for a week! I didn't really mind cuz our conversations barely qualify as such. I also felt like a monster for being mad at an elderly woman with issues! It's so hard.

My hubby is a saint. He helps out and will make dinner for them when I am babysitting our grandkids until 8 or 9 PM. He chats with her like I am unable to do. They're both storytellers where I am more of a conversationalist - back and forth interaction is what I much prefer. And I never get it with mom. Just stories I've heard 100+ times before.

I KNOW so many things that I shouldn't do, shouldn't think, etc. BUT it's virtually impossible for me to do so. Sometimes I try to correct her and catch myself thinking "what are you doing??? Just let it go." I keep working on it. Ignoring the weird and annoying things. Hard for me.

Sorry that your siblings are hung up on the inheritance. It's not theirs to have. It's for the person that earned it. So, talk to your siblings and tell them that you are DONE. Tell them that if they'd like to be involved in the process, that'd be great. But within 30 days you need an answer to which path is going to be taken. Or you will make the decision yourself.

Good luck
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
That’s extremely tempting advice. Thankyou
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if inappropriate things around the family is a problem, then maybe speak to a pastor to see how you can deal with this! it's difficult to hear these things from a parent esp your father. my dad use to think i was his wife and say let's cuddle - things like that. i felt very awkward and somewhat 'dirty'. Since you believe your dad has dementia, that's another problem bc you said you don't think of that as much! Yeah, I get the sibling thing, they don't have to deal with this and God bless your husband. I would def speak to someone like a pastor, priest, therapist who deals with behavioral issues. Good luck
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
Yuck. Thank God I don’t have to endure covert incest. Although I will say my father has always suffocated me psychologically and overprotected me which has made me withdraw from him totally. I hate being smothered.
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I have a sort of mantra I repeat to myself quietly, “Where there is no memory there is no learning.” It’s possibly the saddest thing about Dementia. There is rarely if ever a course reversal. A child learns from mistakes, a patient does not. It helps to sort through various strategies to understand what will and won’t work. I feel for children caring for parents; when my father was failing he would say horrible things and they would cut like a knife because they always did. Now I am caring for my husband and I have learned to keep a sense of perspective. I rarely (not never) take his insults personally.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
I would love be able to switch off. But like I mentioned before I’m a hothead. I take things way too personally.. My husband switches off easily. God love him. If it wasn’t for him I’d go crazy. What is making me really angry at the moment is my siblings’ selfishness. I know they made their choice but it’s the fact they don’t care about my DH and me.
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Just know that this is going to happen. I was the worst daughter in the world, is what my Daddy would say to complete strangers. I had to just let him talk and I would look at the strangers and mouth ALZ. Then you could see the caring in their eyes and how they would just sit and listen to the rambling. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel believe me. Before my Daddy died he did say I was the best. I hope you can just swallow and walk away. If you have kids or little ears try and explain to them that he is sick and sometimes when someone is sick they say bad things. This is how I explained it to my Daddys great-grandchildren.
Prayers for you and yours.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
No I don’t have children but I do have step grandchildren but thankfully they don’t visit often to be subjected to his nonsense. He goes in to his room and hides when ever they come over only because it’s not about him. Thanks for your prayers. Hopefully one day I will find God again.
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Let me share.
The endless lies, fabrications, and flat out fantasies never stopped. Once in a restaurant, my mom quite loudly LOUDLY told me she was having sex with her fiancee. No problem except she was not engaged, the supposed fiance did not exist, and he was invisible. Her endless stories were nonstop. There was no more conversation possible - the man next store was an ex-priest, the man across the street sends her coded messages with his car dash lights every morning, and the woman on the other side was beaten by her husband.

I know what the experts say - smile and nod, say 'really', go gray rock, but I could not handle it. All we ever talked about was endless fantasy about her. She began to lie about her age. AND the lies were never enough, she demanded that we agree with each lie. [was she a controlling woman in real life? YOU BETCHA] Once, in utter despair, I brought up the US Census online for the year she was born to show her age, her name, and her entry. She said the US Census was wrong.

This I could not do anymore, I accept an objective reality, as in gravity works, for example. I was simply not the person for her. I could not do it . Frankly, I did not want to do it. I was either furious or bored. For example, she let my brother die in her house and did nothing to get him help. The coroner told me he had been dead for days.

She told others that actually he moved and is in a rock band in Utah!!!

Looking at what I have written, I can see the psychology in her stories - keep her safe, keep her loved, keep her from guilt - I get that. I just could not handle it.

My psychology could not participate and I guess I did not love her enough to even want to try. Of course, I visited less and less. I talked less and less. Took medication before each visit. Left as soon as I could.

To you I offer - it will only get worse. See your doctor and get chemical help. If you have religious faith, use it. MOVE your father into a facility, if possible. You have a right to sanity. Just because his brain is gone doesn't mean you have to be damaged too.

Everyone here will be very helpful and give you tips. Just know that some of us could not manage the tips, and were near utter despair by the constant assault on reality. You are not alone.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
That’s quite humiliating for you. My Dad isn’t that bad but when we go to
the medical center or in public he does comment on how people look. One woman had a lot of rings on her her fingers. He didn’t like that and said how ridiculous she looked. I told him loudly that he was ridiculous. The woman gave him a filthy look. Then another woman was unattractive. “Fancy having to live with that” I told him to shut up” So now I take him nowhere.
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When someone has dementia, they lose their sense of manners and appropriateness, and arguing or trying to reason with them doesn't help. Sometimes they are not interpreting things correctly. My mother was in a class and heard the teacher say "get out of here." She thought the teacher was telling one of the students to leave the class. Get therapy (maybe even grief therapy) for yourself, if you are not able to step back and accept him for what he is. My father, who was also quite deaf, would say whatever he thought very loudly in public. It could be embarrassing. Sometimes I'd just walk away. Try to accept your father day by day as he is. Try to see the humor in what he does and says. Try to be positive and helpful with him. I was able to do this better when I kept lowering the bar of my expectations of my mother and just tried to be happy, loving and helpful when I was with her. It's very sad to see a loved one decline mentally and physically, and not to be able to do much about it. I also sometimes went to a private place when leaving my mother after a visit and just cried. Have a plan, in case his care gets to be too much for you. Connect with a local social worker and elder care services to find out what his (and your) options are. The two basic choices are in-home caregivers and moving him to a memory care facility. If you have caregivers coming into your home, lock up your valuables and personal papers.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
I’m sick of accepting him for how he is.
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You are reaching your saturation point but try to look at this problem from another angle. Your Dad has dementia, his mind isn't "normal" and he has no lasting control over it. When you get upset, so does everyone around you. If this were your friend's Dad you would have a much better understanding and be more tolerant - possibly amused! Next time, try to think of it like that. With humor, gently re-direct the conversation to a more neutral topic. Try practicing this approach and see if it helps to alleviate the tension and anxiety you're feeling around Dad.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
I don’t want to think of him as my friends father. I know he has dementia. You sound just like my sister with her empty platitudes. Sorry your advice is not solving my problem. As burnt caregiver advised, redirecting and changing the subject have exceeded their use by date.
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It is so hard to get to the point where you laugh off what they say or let it roll off of your back, but you will get there. No point in correcting or arguing with them. Just change the subject and move on. I am not making light of how frustrating it is or painful sometimes depending on the topic, but just know that they are demented and there is no making sense of anything going on in their head. Divert, divert divert the conversation.

Asking my mom an unrelated question usually throws her off of topic. Try it, you might be surprised.
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Don’t correct or point out anything he says that wrong or inappropriate. His “gaslighting” is the dementia. It messes with your mind in every way. The things he says he believes, at least the split second he says them, then they are forgotten or scrambled inside his mind. He’ll just claim he never said it or that it’s true, because he thinks it is true. As you’ve said, it just leads to arguments.

You have to do your best to ignore. Hopefully others who hear him can be educated in the fact that lying is a common dementia behavior. The dementia patient doesn’t see it as lying, that’s why it just leads to arguments to correct.

Your response of crying is totally normal. The tears shed over this dementia would be enough to drown the planet 1000 times over. If you can take a break to compose yourself in the moment. Just go in another room, go outside, just breathe. Join a support group online, in person or both. I had to start antidepressants.

You are doing fine. It’s hard to stay focused on the dementia when hateful things are being said to you and about you.
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Put him in respite care now…..see how he does and how you do.
As far as correcting? That is an interesting point. When I was caring for mom and living together, I was overwhelmed with her thoughts that were derogatory and totally false. I corrected her a great deal because the imprint was so negative and it would make her even more upset with the ugly thoughts and words that she said. I tried to ignore and not respond to her specific statement and tell her what I knew which was positive and uplifting. She wore me down!

She went to respite for 3 months so I could have some time to see my husbands family and our grands. She loved it!!!! I didn’t put a lot of personal items in her home but enough to make her comfortable and got an alexa show so I could drop in and talk to her face to face. I also got Blink camera so I could see how she was doing or to run down the situations she described to me (which were all in her mind). She was content that I “ran” down each complaint and that she was safe and I was glad she told me. (By seeing what was actually going on with the camera, I was able to make up a conversation that I had with the staff and all was okay now.). Prior to the camera, I was concerned about calling the facility as much as mom dictated because it was false!
Respite him now and at Christmas, go see him with your sister and let her see how he is doing. If your sister wants to take him, then she can do it whenever is convenient to you and you will not be waiting on her or hearing about why it is delayed ;)
Btw, you teach people how to treat you!
FYI, If he is in MC, there are more staff for care. My mom is in AL and not quite ready for MC. I got her a aide to help her with showers and 2 meals a day; escorting her to events, walking, socializing, and drinking fluids. I paid good money for the AL extra care and it was worthless! Mom would refuse or delay and it wasn’t done and they still took the money BUT they didn’t tell me that mom was declining. The aide I got was cheaper than paying for their services and that person communicates with me. I have the aide text me at the end of the shift every day she works with a brief overview. Example: “shower day, mouth care, ate good at both meals, walked and drank 2 bottle of Propel, she was in good spirits”.
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Oh the triggers. That's been an issue for me as well.

I think that we get into trouble when we expect that we can re-orient our parent and then they'll realize the error of their ways and correct, or behave. When they can't or won't and it drives us crazy.

No one can push our buttons like a parent because they're the ones who installed them.

My mother will deny deny deny and always has so why stop now?
All of my life she has dismissed me and my feelings so why stop now?

She spits bits of food onto the floor instead of putting it into a napkin. I used to fuss at her but now I say nothing and clean it up. She likes grapes and she will spit out the skin onto the table or she'll wipe it under the table like a child would do. I just clean it up.

She's been living with me for 5 years and it's taken awhile not to get triggered by everything she does.
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againx100 Sep 2022
Wow this must take a lot of determination to deal with her spitting food on the floor! Yikes. My mom has some yucky habits and does not keep her hands clean, licks her fingers at the dinner table all the time and it makes me CRINGE! I've given up on reminding her that she has a NAPKIN right next to her plate that would be useful instead of licking.
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“Yes but unfortunately they have already let me know that they refuse to do this. So I’m trapped.”

Your siblings need to be told that they step up and help and maybe work something out so each one takes him for a few months at a time, or you will place Dad and that’s that. To hell with what they want at this point. Your life matters too.
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Favegirl1 Sep 2022
Thanks for your kind words. ❤️❤️
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Favegirl1:

You are not trapped. Decision must be made today to place your father into a facility. Inheritance happens after someone dies. Unfortunately, his money pays for his care until he dies. Sorry, if his money gets spent down to Medicaid level, nothing is left for inheritance, and in most cases is not. Also, you and your family should not be personally or financially burdened, nor yourself be manipulated. That's what a facility is for: to care for anyone no longer able to care for themselves.
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Thankyou to those who have given helpful advice.
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dear OP,

you mention you’re trapped. i think some people really are in very difficult situations, and are indeed pretty much trapped.

i have a friend who was in a very similar situation: mother with dementia, saying awful things to her two sweet, helping daughters.

my friend told me some of the cruel things her mother says. she tries to tell herself, “it’s the disease, it’s not my mother”, but even so, the cruel comments hurt.

she (my friend) didn’t want to put her mother in a facility. but it got to a breaking point. it was all too much. last week, she put her mother in a facility. (after years and years of living with her).

the facilities where my friend lives, are awful. she knows that. but there really was no choice. it was too much.

i’m not at all saying your father should be in a facility. i’m saying some people really are in tough situations, and they’re indeed pretty much trapped. or at least, currently trapped. i understand you.

i hope you find a good way forward.

words do hurt (dementia or not), and often the mean parent was mean before too.

i hope not, but you probably notice the effect of all the stress on your body, your face. your mind.

no matter how tough you are, hurtful words will affect you. not just hurtful words, but being treated badly in general.

hug!

bundle of joy
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bundleofjoy Sep 2022
ah, as for your initial point: is there any point in correcting the bad comments from elderly LOs?

i do think it makes sense to correct it. hurtful comments are like brainwashing. if you don’t counter them, you might start believing some of them.

at the same time, sometimes ignoring the comments is useful too.

whatever you do (let the comments slide by you versus correct/counter them), all these bad comments will affect you.

it’s like psychological warfare against you.

i wish you, all of us in difficult situations, peace.
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OP doesn’t give any details about Dad’s dementia, just his increasing narcissism. It was BlueEyedGirl who has dementia diagnosis issues. Gaslighting and manipulation may not be related to dementia. Geaton’s rules for coping with dementia are not really the point.

OP has just said ‘I’m a gutless wonder. I could never stand up to the sodding bully’. Spot on, probably. OP needs encouragement to see that she can refuse to live with Dad, whatever her siblings say.
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