My dad is 84 with Parkinson’s and stage 3 kidney failure. My mom is 81 and has severe arthritis. They are the two of the most stubborn people in the world, they always have been. From advice here, I see they always will be. Somehow, they've gone from 24/7 in home care to 5 nights a week, 12-hour care. They cite money as a reason (but they have over 300k in savings plus their home). They are so much luckier than many people to have those types of savings. Yet, they are constantly saying money is their reason for not having 24/7 care. Last night, their nightly caregiver arrived, and my dad was covered in blood because. He'd fallen while my mom was at the store (I've tried to have food delivered for years, but she doesn't "believe" in online shopping). The caregiver had to twist their arms to go to the ER because my dad needed stitches under his eye (and a cat scan). The caregiver called me and said he really thinks my parents need more care. This is very true, and I've been telling them this for years. They will not move into assisted living, because they want "freedom" which is odd considering that my dad lives on one floor and my mom rarely leaves the house, except to go grocery shopping. I've called APS. No help. I've made my parents diagrams explaining their options. I've stopped seeing them so much because it's just too tense. So, I guess my question is this, I'm not going there today to check on them. I'll go tomorrow maybe. Is there anything left to do? Am I just waiting for the next hospital/SNF circuit? I told them today that if that happens again (which it will at this rate), I won't be visiting as much as I did last year.
it's really hard to help our elderly LOs.
1 technique a friend of mine (Patty) used on her mother was to say:
"mom, don't you want me to sleep? i'm exhausted every day, and i have to get up early and work. i worry about you every day and every night. please! accept 24-hour in-home care!"
finally, the mother accepted.
Patty explained to me that many elderly people just don't want someone else in the house; it's THEIR house; they like the - freedom - of it being their house (their rules, their home), and also not having someone there, even if that person is actually there to help them.
Patty also explained to me that generally, elderly men are more open to help. elderly women are more stubborn - want to prove they're independent.
(sometimes maybe it's even because most caregivers are FEMALE, and the wife is worried because female caregivers will be helping their husband).
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it helps of course, if one has the good luck to find a kind, caring, competent caregiver -- someone your parents would actually love to have around. then they probably wouldn't mention the money-excuse at all.
Patty told me after a while, her mother loved her caregiver.
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what more can you do, OP?
it's of course totally up to you, how much of your time you want to give - for example, looking for new, even kinder 24-hour caregivers (private, not agency? i had much better luck with private), or whatever. sometimes a caregiver really clicks with the elderly LO, and the elderly LO really wants to keep them - could never imagine firing them.
it's totally up to you, how much more you want to help, and which way forward is best.
1 thing to keep in mind is THE FOLLOWING:
if you do continue to care about the well-being of your parents (i say this, because some people throw their hands in the air, and abandon completely - sometimes for totally justified reasons)...
then, whatever you do/don't do now, will have CONSEQUENCES on you later.
for that reason, i eliminated as mannnnny of my LOs' problems as i could, some weeks ago. this way those problems don't land on me later.
if/when there is a medical emergency (or non-health problem), and you care, you WILL be stressed out. in that case, whatever possible must be done to avoid that now. not all can be prevented. but as much as possible.
Next time one of them falls, 911 should be called so that they are taken by ambulance and not requiring a fight to get them into the car to go the ER. Once at the hospital you can make sure the staff knows they are an "unsafe discharge". After a fall they will spend a few days in the hospital and then be transferred to rehab (per Medicare). This will buy time to arrrange for a permanent placement. BUT if you are not their PoA or the PoA is not active, then there will be more challenges since they could technically check themselves out, As long as no one goes to retrieve them, they may then be forced to stay in the rehab or facility.
For your own sanity do not disagree or argue with them: you won't convince them of anything. They most likely have the onset of dementia (as stubbornness, irrationality, memory loss and inability to have empathy with anyone else's burdens) are often first symptoms. Use therapeutic fibs to keep them peaceful and protected while you try to help them get into a better care situation.
If your parents are refusing help, and refusing to 'see the light'...and are of sound mind, then there is NOTHING you can do but wait for the inevitable fall that causes a broken hip or something that will propel them into a different kind of care. Whether that's 24/7 at home or in a Nh type facility will be determined when this happens.
Most assuredly many people do live very independently alone or with a spouse into their 90's and do so with grace and dignity. My next door neighbor is 94 and cares for his wife, also 94, with some help from relatives. (He had a grandson taking down his outside Christmas lights, thank goodness!) But he cares for his home, it is always immaculate and even though his wife's Macular degeneration is pretty severe, he keeps the house looking spic and span because that's what SHE wants. They are both amazing and adorable and I love to spend time with them--mostly so he can get something done and she has someone 'new' to talk to.
Everyone should be so 'lucky'. Everyone is NOT.
Yes, unless your folks will decide on their own to either hire more care or move to a place that has a better level of care, you are looking at falls and more falls and dramas they can't handle.
I'm sure you've talked yourself blue in the face, just trying to get them to reinstate FT care, and maybe you'll want to keep doing that--up to you. Letting them know that you love them and want them to spend their money on themselves may help. A lot of parents want to leave a sizeable estate....and the kids don't want or need it. They want their folks to use that money for themselves.
Good Luck with this, you sure aren't alone in this struggle.