My bf and I are so happy to have found each other Altho late in life (mid 60s). We are loving & respectful and have a simple, fun and healthy lifestyle. We are each other's best friend and companion and are having the best relationship of our lives.
After 30 years, he and his wife agreed it was over and they separated. We had already met and after he moved out we jumped into this. Perhaps it was unrealistic to ignore but he put off filing for divorce. We have been together 18 months.
Now she has been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s at 64 and bc she is not close to her siblings, and they are still married, he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what
I fear he will be the martyr and throw away the best years he has left. I’m trying to help by gathering info and reading and listening. Since I’m his happy place, he can only talk so much. I get it.
How can I understand and know if we dont talk deeply about this? Why doesn’t he get home care? He actually slept there all week bc she had a tooth infection and she wasn’t doing well with taking her meds for it and her Alzheimer meds.( I only just found a pill Dispensers with alarms on line). He’s worried what his kids would think if he left her alone and overdosed. I think he is exaggerating and not giving credit to his kids who would understand this is not entirely his responsibility. And would not expect him to be sleeping there since he has a relationship and a home elsewhere. And I think his adult daughter should take on more than every other Saturday… she cld sleep there some nights… she has no kids and lives in the same town They have money, he should have someone in there.
I think he is lacking boundaries and going to confuse her as well as overburden himself.
I wish there was some guidance for people wanting to help their estranged or ex spouse. Even if they were divorce I would expect and support him helping her bc he is a kind person and she is the mother of his kids. I would do the same. But I think he’s not proceeding in a healthy way considering they did not have any kind of intimate or even affectionate relationship for over 5 years before I met him. She didn’t want anything to do with him.
I think it’s very possible to help her while respecting our relationship. But this does not seem like a good start.
I am so worried for him and us. HELP:(
There is no cure for her condition. It's only going to get worse; her needs are only going to increase. Your boyfriend can buy her all the pill organizers in the world and there will come a time when she has absolutely no idea what purpose they serve.
They are married and their finances remain entangled so here is some blunt guidance for you to consider when you talk to him:
1. Is the house in both of their names? Or, if they rent is the lease in both names?
2. He can't just divorce a woman diagnosed with dementia and expect to walk away without having to pay alimony.
3. Is the car that she shouldn't be driving in both of their names?
4. What's going to happen if she causes an accident and their insurance company finds out she has dementia and her husband knowingly let her drive?
5. Confusion can come on suddenly. Who are the neighbors going to call if they find her wandering around lost, confused and in her nightgown? Probably the police who will call....yep, your boyfriend because he's her husband.
It doesn't matter what he said about his marriage being over. Things changed when she got diagnosed with dementia. Good luck.
Also, legally, ‘of sound mind’ means the person still has reasoning powers and capable of making important decisions. This does not go out the window once the short term memory starts to decline. Nor does cognitive function. They will all definitely get worse but not all at the same time.
About her possibly causing an accident and them not being covered by insurance bc he was aware…. Excellent point. I will pass that along
I found out years ago to use patience in a relationship. Never push the other person. Give them time to figure out things for themselves. Do not ignore those gut feelings though. Know when to step back. If a relationship is going to die, it will die a natural death.
DH and I were just telling our daughter how he proposed. He didn't. I said "Well are we getting married". He said "Yes I guess so, I am kind of curious". 42 years later we r still together. Yes, sort of lost my patience but he is a shy man.😁
That is how I was proceeding …
what’s the point in pushing?
That could end in resentment and doubt. One hopes the realization of one coincides with the needs of the other. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I think I let it go too long and now that I know him so well - (he is someone that’s always ‘late to the party’) I realize I should have spelt it out for him, so that he could have some clarity about what we were each assuming.
This wife is apparently not far advanced. She will get farther advanced. And whether he sees himself as "husband" or not, he may be so involved in her care, he and his children, that you become a poor second.
YOU CAN'T be his GUIDE in this.
His decisions are his own, and so far he has made them for his wife and his family, not for you.
I would say this. You aren't a young thing any more yourself, nor is he.
If you can be happy being a good and supportive friend, then do so.
If you really want to be a WIFE?
That's not happening.
And your trying to guide how he should treat the woman WHO IS HIS WIFE is going to lead you BOTH to grief.
Don't give advice. It isn't your place. He is a grownup with a wife and children and capable of making his own choices and decisions.
No one can guess at his reasoning, and he may not be fully aware of it himself, but for whatever reason he has
NEVER DIVORCED THIS WOMAN. Not when she was well. Not now that she is descending into dementia.
It is unlikely he ever will.
It is on you what you can live with, but not to change him, because doing so will lead to dreadful resentment from his children and from himself.
It isn't for children to come back in to care for his spouse. It is for him to do so. As long as he is married to her. As you have said, you are of another culture, and I assume one where the children step in. In the United States, for the most part, the children STEP OUT. Sorry, that's my experience of it. They are busy with their own lives, their own jobs and children and vacations. They will be sure to be there when the will is read, bless them, but.........................
YOUR saying they should be there for the wife means ZERO.
HIS saying they should be there for their mother means ZERO.
It is unlikely to happen.
What is likely to happen is what you see happening before your eyes. His feelings of history, guilt, shared lives together may drive him back to attempt care of his wife.
You then have your own decision about/for your own life.
Thank you. and ... YOUR = You're.
I read Alva's in detail and agree with her overall.
While it does NO good in present time to consider your [past] decisions, and those of your lover, when he decided NOT to divorce 'back then' (and marry you or be legally untangled with his wife / perhaps available to marry you), it should have given you pause ...
Why didn't he want to divorce?
Why did he want a lover? (you)
There are reasons why he chose to do what he did.
If I were you, I would have a sit down heart-to-heart talk with him to find out what he wants to do (with you) and how he sees this situation moving forward with his wife's cognition/brain chemistry changing.
If he cannot be clear on where his alliance lays and he maintains the 'status quo' of the relationship he has with you now, there is your answer.
It depends on what you want - from him. You sound like a very kind/empathic caring person. That is admirable although, too, it is time that you put yourself first and decide what quality / kind of future you want (with him and / or without him). If you are okay being 'second' / not the primary person / partner in his life, then you may decide to stay - however he may or may not change his mind.
"If" he knows that you will leave him if he doesn't either divorce, which sounds unlikely, or doesn't make some changes (perhaps legally), and put YOU first, then you make your decisions based on that information.
As someone said below, if you can be 'his friend,' (and perhaps hers), then you accept the situation as it is (you are not his primary life partner; you are his emotional support / rock / intimacy partner - his lover.
Take care of yourself.
Be very direct and honest with him.
Tell him what YOU want and see what he says.
Be clear on what you want before having this conversation.
It might not be time for an ultimatum type conversation although everything depends on how you feel about being involved in this relationship as it is now, and how it will proceed knowing she will continue to decline. As well, so will both of you, if not cognitively/dementia, decline all the same . . .
and then what?
Will he be there for you?
Will you be there for him?
Will he still be legally married?
Will he continue to feel either obligated / guilt motivated to put his wife first?
As I often suggest, get into therapy to sort this out.
Perhaps with him or certainly alone if he isn't interested in joining you.
He may want / need individual therapy too - as I believe / think / feel that he is very emotionally torn and perhaps doesn't know what to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
"he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what"
Probably both. Upon reflection, he may be rethinking what the real cause of the disconnect between himself and his wife. Could it have been changes due to undiagnosed Alzheimer's? If so, then it appears it changes the calculus for him. He MAY indeed feel guilty and embarassed to not help her now that he realizes she was ill. He may fear being thought of as that guy that bailed on his sick wife. If he knew then what he knows now, he may not have entered the relationship with you. However, he did not know she was changing because of disease and you two fell in love.
I know you came to this forum for advice about his boundaries and how he should be helping her. Did he ask for your help or opinion? If not, I think it is in your best interest to not advise him.
I can imagine a scenario where you two can continue on with your relationship, but it is likely going to look very different than what you imagined. And, that could bring you happiness as well. I wish all involved clear sight and wisdom in your choices.
He is committed to taking care of his wife. It sounds like you are the mistress. If he was interested he would have gotten divorced and put a ring on it (married you.)
His wife is young at age 64 and probably in good physical shape. She could live another 20 years.
I would date other men that are truly available and legally divorced. It sounds like you are a nice person.
Move on. Date other men casually before getting into a relationship. Avoid dating men that are not divorced. They are not emotionally available.
Let’s assume that you are living in America. Legally, their marriage is what is considered binding. In the courtroom, they are still married and are responsible for each other. Your strong relationship with him is not legal binding. On personal level, a 30-yr marriage is a long marriage, so you have to accept that there is still some connection between them. I would not get in the middle or you will end up on the losing side. Show him this post of yours on this forum and move forward with your life independently. No ultimatum; it never worked.
Now on to SoWorried’s question. I would urge you to stay away from what you think their grown daughter and children should or shouldn’t do, there may be all kinds of reasons their daughter is doing what she can do and it really isn’t for any of us to judge her anymore than it is for us to judge your BF for not getting divorced yet. What does seem in order to me is your BF, their children and maybe his estranged wife to have a sit down and figure out how to handle her diagnosis and needs. If there is money for it either home help or IL that steps up to AL and memory care sounds like a good option now since it gives her time to settle in before she progresses further and it’s harder to adapt. I would tend to agree that him moving in and and out just seems more confusing for her and taxing her with the constant need to adapt. It’s going to become even harder as she slips into different time periods and thinks he is still her partner or boyfriend, harder for her to understand and it could become extremely awkward for him. Helping from a bit more of a distance is likely to cause her (the patient) less confusion and trauma. Just my opinion but his place in making decisions or being the lead in her care seems less appropriate, taking up a supportive, very supportive role seems far better for everyone. He can be her supportive friend, he can support their children in caring for their mom and he can take on at least some of the financial burden since their finances are likely still entwined but being the primary dish and bottle washer only makes things harder for everyone as far as I can see. I am assuming here that his children are well aware that their parents marriage relationship is and has been over and that everyone is clear that it has been for some time. How long have they actually been separated? Is it a legal separation? This may all have some bearing on where he stands legally and that is something he really should talk to a lawyer about so there aren’t any surprises. Hard as it is, knowing all the facts rather than not knowing but having a general idea, will make all o this less sticky for everyone. Remember while all of this does of course affect you it isn’t about you so resist trying to make it about you. Be his friend and give him guidance not ultamatives as you already know he is a caring upstanding guy and he isn’t going to abandon his “wife” or children, that’s one of the reasons you love him and my guess is he won’t abandon you either if you don’t back him into a corner he can’t escape from, even if it feels that way at times. Be his rock, his back up working behind the scenes, do research on facilities, help make appointments and get things in place if he or his children want and most of all continue being his sounding board. Hard situation, I’m sorry for all of you.
Avoidance is an action. It has consequences. He now has to deal with those. You also have to accept that he chose not to divorce his wife, for whatever reasons, and possibly cannot now.
You have no say in anything regarding his family. You can be supportive of his situation or bow out. You can love him, or leave him. What you can't do is change the reality of the situation.
I have chosen to help my husband's former wife on multiple occasions when she has needed it. Their kids are my step-kids, and sometimes they ask me for advice. If they don't, I have to keep my mouth shut. This is reality. Best of luck!
I have no sympathy whatsoever for OP. She gets what she deserves.
Are both of the adulterers guilty? You betcha but, he knew that he was married before she hit her back. It was all on him to honor his wife, he is now living his best life with.
Hope he catches something that makes an "it" out of him. ;-/
I am curious as to why you would be attracted to a married man. I would have seen this man as a dead end road right from the get go.
Start looking at what caused you to get involved with him in the first place?
If a marriage is over the only fair thing to do for everyone is to get divorced. A man doesn’t love a woman he is having an affair with if he isn’t willing to divorce his wife.
Consider yourself as being used instead of being his “happy place” which I have no idea what that means. Nothing about this situation is “happy!”
Someone eventually told Sandy that he still saw his wife, and she said she knew that and that it was okay, since wife was in an institution and she didn't blame the husband for putting her there. Sandy had no idea that her boyfriend saw his wife at least once a week for dinner, hung out at the assisted living for social hour with his wife, took wife out to lunch twice a week and talked with her every day. To the very end, Sandy insisted that she didn't date married men, even though she freely admitted that he WAS married (maybe it doesn't count if wife has Alzheimers). Sandy was sure it was the greatest love of all time. It ended when he died.
This kind of situation is all over the place. Nothing new.