Is this a narcissist? Yes, I believe so!

Lizbitty, your response is so accurate.! I was just thinking about this last night. My older sister is one of two narcissists in my family. The other is my younger brother.

I used to try so hard to be liked by them. Taking everything they said and did to me as if I somehow deserved it or needed to put up with it to be "liked".

I think what's changed with me in the last few years is I don't have this need to be liked by them anymore. In fact I care more about how I feel about them now. Do I like them is the question now.

When you care about yourself and think of yourself as your best friend you won't let anyone treat you badly.

We can introduce your mom to my FIL and they can live "miserably ever after" LOL. No all kidding aside. While some people have a tendency to get more self-focused as they age - there is definitely a big difference between that and dealing with a true narcissist and I think you hit the nail on the head. A big part of it is whether the types of behavior you described are new or have always been there.

My FIL is an abusive narcissist, who is truly miserable because of his own actions - and inactions in his own life. Many of which have led him to be over 300 pounds and immobile - that may sound terrible of me but 5 years ago he was independent and like any true narcissist he seized upon his daughter's moment of weakness (needing a roof over their heads during a hard time) and used it to his advantage. The one good thing that I have ever seen him do is offer them a place to live but looking back I can't even say for 100% certainty that it was altruistic. Because almost as soon as they moved in he just stopped doing anything at all for himself and when his doctor asked him why he said "Why would I do it for myself when they can do it for me?" His doctor told him he should always do things for himself or he would lose his ability to do it. He of course knew better and here we are 5 years later - he is nearly completely immobile and very bitter about it.

So what have we learned about ourselves during this journey? His son and daughter were physically, emotionally and verbally abused by him growing up and certainly still emotionally and verbally abused even today. HE is clearly not going to change. It is clear from talking to his own sister that his mother and sisters coddled HIM as a child and his belief system started early. So he is never going to change.

What can change is how we deal with him. He had years to "groom" DH and his sister, to get in their heads and ensure that they were compelled to respond in a way that he wanted. Now that is broken. His circle of influence has shrunk. The narcissistic supply is gone. We're all he has left. He has alienated EVERYONE else in his life basically. His grandchildren will not talk to him. The relationship with his own children is such that they are just 'doing their duty' literally until other arrangements can be made for his care.

I don't think that therapy can benefit a narcissist. They want to game the system. They would spend the entire time trying to FIX the therapist and show them they are wrong. Better money would be spent on therapy for a narc's victims. On healing you. There is no fixing a narc. But you can help yourself. And the other part of it is that a narcissist will tell other people all kinds of good things about themselves and all kinds of bad things about you - I don't understand the why there - for some reason they think the only way they look good is to make you look bad. That seems counterproductive to most people - but to a narcissist it is the only way they can shine - and that is critical. So we have had to get used to not caring what other people he talks to think about us. To quote Dr. Seuss, the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.

Do you remember the movie, “Sleepless in Seattle”? After reading your post (there are so many like it, it’s mind-boggling), a scene from “Sleepless in Seattle popped into my head. Meg Ryan’s character is listening to the therapist on the radio. A caller calls in and says, “He just doesn’t love me anymore.” The doctor immediately replies, “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you?”

That’s you. Why are you killing yourself, sacrificing everything for someone who doesn’t love you? Don’t you think you deserve more? Deserve better? Because you do. You do. But only you can stop it. If you’re brave enough.

I hope you are.

No one can trample your boundaries unless you allow it. Once breeched, there needs to be a consequence for her trampling. The less you are involved, the less she has to control and complain about. I agree with maybe resigning as her caregiver and have the Golden One become "it". Have you considered that you have a co-dependent relationship with her and that's why you keep allowing her to trample you? Maybe consider a few sessions with a therapist, who would provide objectivity and can help you identify better boundaries and develop consequences and relationship strategies. You can't get burnt if you're not touching the fire or are nowhere near it. I wish you all the best!

What you have described, more or less, was my situation. The one thing I would add is that my mom was helpless, By that I mean she actively avoided learning any life skills - never drove, never paid bills, never traveled alone, and so on. She lived to 95 and only got worse.

Here is my 'advice' - She died and I never shed a tear, not even one. One year rolled by and the anniversary of her death arrived (this year). I was busy that day and truthfully several days went by until I realized I never, ever thought about her on that day. Not even once. So for all the people who will share how much they miss their moms and would take one more day, let me share that there are some of us who became relieved of a burden.

I was so surprised when I realized there was no guilt, no recriminations, nothing but freedom. There are no Hallmark cards for this and almost nobody talks about it, which is why I was so surprised about how I felt. So if you think you might feel that way, you will not ever be alone.

Just my experience.

I personally would not be doing a 5 hour drive for a medical appointments.

I would make clear that is just too far for me to do hands-on help. I would have phone conferences with any medical staff as required instead.

Either Mom is independant & can take herself in a taxi. Semi-independant & can ask/treat a friend or book/pay for an aid. Or if fully dependant, then maybe she needs a higher level of care.

Harsh? Maybe? But realistic.

My relative cannot catch a taxi independently & so I offered to drive for a while. Give an inch.... 1 Dr Apt/week blew out to multi visits to multi places every week - one week was +5!

Was time for a *big picture* view. Was this person still independent enough in their setting? No. Did they need more help? Yes.

I stepped back. Now personal care, housecleaning, shopping, driving is all arranged & it works. The bill is astimnomical (but that is not for me to pay).

Being a long-distance caregiver must be very hard. It may be you will need to engage some sort of local service - some 'boots on the ground' so to speak. Many care agencies will do appointments. You will be out of the loop for info at the appointment but can get that info by phone instead.

Would that work?

Coz, basically, while YOU remain the solution for everything - no other solutions will be found.

Ok...so he leaves her in a hospital. Which is full of medically trained people to take care of.....sick people. Fine. He can leave-lots of people do the exact same thing.
You've put up with at least 11 consistent years of abuse, I think you've done your time and time to step back. Will another 11 years mean your mother will get better, mend her ways, become a great person, and love you? Of course you know the answers to those questions, as well as what you really need to do for yourself.
There are several Narcissists in my family, they do not, will not ever change. I have chosen to limit my interactions with them. I have done lots of therapy, and am overall quite happy not to be involved with them-too toxic.

A true narcissist will not benefit from therapy and rarely, if ever, will agree to it in the first place. They don't need it, they're perfect. Plus, it's a great training ground for them to learn where the cracks are showing in their masks, and how to get better at their game!

Here's a pretty good article on the subject:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

It's 25 signs that you may be dealing with a passive/aggressive covert narcissist. It hones in on male/female relationships more so than mother/daughter relationships, but you'll get a good idea if your mom falls somewhere on the spectrum. Debbie Mirza also has some good tips about coping mechanisms to deal with people like this and has some good podcasts and books out, too.

Only YOU can decide what you're dealing with here; nobody can tell you what your mom is or isn't, although many will try.

Good luck to you!

I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I am all to familiar with your situation as I came from the same type of household as you. I am the oldest child of 4, and I took the brunt of my mother’s anger and rages (physically and emotionally). I was and probably still am the family scapegoat. I have at times overheard my mother bad mouth me to anyone who would listen. That is how my siblings and mother’s relatives have treated me all my life. I am the outsider. The one who moved away from the abuse. I have been told by my relatives that I am overly sensitive. I probably am. One thing that I learned through therapy is that the way we were or are treated has nothing to do with us. It is about them and their dysfunction. Although it may be difficult, keep trying to set boundaries and take care of yourself. I try every day dealing with my mother. Some days are better than others.

Whatever label is most appropriate for Mom won't likely be known by those of us on the forum. Not only do we not have history with your Mom, but we aren't trained in diagnostics.
Having a label for Mom won't really help you. What WILL help you is helping yourself, and that may take professional help given how you grew up, and what habits have been formed. It is often more comfortable to stay in a situation, no matter how awful it is, when it represents the "norm". Breaking away into our own lives is hard work, and we often need help with it.
I wish you the very best. It is time to claim a life for yourself, and allow your Mom is stay in her own habitual ways. It is likely way too late for her to change, but for you, it is the beginning of learning how to have a wonderful quality of life, and to learn not to pass this tormented history forward.
In the new year begin to make plans for your own life. Take it slow. You have time. One step leads forward to another. I wish you the best.