I live in a small home. I'm a single mom who was married for many years to someone who was not interested in home life, and had anger issues. We divorced and when it was over I was finally at peace, as was my child.
Finally we were free of this terrible gloomy cloud and constant anger.
After a few years it was time for me to find someone new, and I did. I invited him to move in. He's sweet and kind and we love each other. And he is so caring and respectful of my child always considering her feelings.
My hope was that he and my child would get to know each other and grow close. But we needed some time to spend together, just the 3 of us. But a month after my fiance moved in -- dad also moved in.
Because he could no longer live with a family member and didn't want to be alone. This was the natural choice. And he asked if he could stay a few months, which we knew meant forever. He is very active. Very friendly. And while my ONLY requirement was to find something to do. Fast forward, it's been almost 9 months and he hasn't. At first he wanted to go with me EVERYWHERE, because that's what we did when he visited - but I can't do that all the time, I need space, and privacy. I feel like his resistance to live independently is detrimental to him, and all of us. I've told him it's unhealthy. Many, many times. He doesn't see it that way. He feels that this is normal to move in with a child, and there is nothing wrong here. I think it's just an old school mentality. I never want him to feel unwelcome, or unloved. But it is taking a toll on me, very much. I'm supposed to start a new chapter, I have a new man in my life - and there is no privacy. Not to mention I had to have about 100 talks with him to stop making rude comments about him. And the comments, seemed more about him being upset to not be in the spotlight more than anything.
I am not comfortable in my own home, and I work too darn hard for this to be the case. I am very strong, but this situation has me feeling so deflated and upset. I feel hopeless, and sad for all of us. And scared that each relationship in this house is taking a toll. I know I sound juvenile, but this situation is not healthy or fair to any of us, especially me. I already went through hell with my previous marriage and I just want to be able to start a new chapter. I don't know what to do. Honest talks don't help. Total freak outs just make me look crazy, which I am getting there. This man has NO interest in being his own person and having his own life. I see his and my relationship getting worse and worse. My fiance and I have no privacy so that's a terrible start to our life. My fiance and child's bonding process was disrupted.
We all love him, but I feel like this is a toxic situation. Please please please, any suggestions would be so appreciated. I am losing my mind. I am afraid that I'll be losing my relationships. I am losing my focus. I feel like I'm about to lose everything. I feel total burnout - and I am the breadwinner - that can't happen. Please any suggestions would be appreciated.
Perhaps you are being too ‘nice’. Next time he has a dig at your fella, throw a major hissy fit and tell him to shut up and get out. Your fella could usefully call him a stupid old git. Three flare ups in a week might finally get the message across that the party’s over.
If you have followed up on the ‘nice’ suggestions so far, and nothing has worked, you need to step back and look clear-eyed at your father’s behavior. It isn’t loving, it’s self-centered and it belittles you and your life. Get him out, and when he has made his own life, your love may come back again.
You haven’t replied to the comments about your fella perhaps also being a user – probably because it’s none of our business. But you might put off the wedding for a while and think about the situation when father is no longer the major problem.
Good luck!
Regarding the fiance, he's now husband - yes we did a quick elope. And that was done intentionally to address some of this, to ensure everyone knows their place. To make sure the fiance was not viewed as disposable or temporary so the digs would be rendered to have no effect.
Hubby does work. In our relationship there are important things that can't be addressed in our current situation and it has caused a great deal of strain. But I am the breadwinner, it's true. I made a good living -which this overall situation compromises, honestly, because I lost my clear mind. It makes me feel depressed that there is no a clear answer where everyone is happy. I don't want to hurt my father. And I am already hurting him by suggesting he's causing problems.
I'm scared that it's a matter of time, my marriage will fall apart b/c it's already suffering from not having privacy. My fella is who I've chosen. He's not a user. But he doesn't have the same earning capacity as I do. I'm in an executive position, and so grateful for that. Many men are intimidated by that. Unfortunately. But there is only so much I want to get into on a public post, so I'll just say lack of privacy has been detrimental.
The idea that I am viewed as a surrogate wife, I agree with you - and I can't stand it. Why why why why could this be? The jealousy, I resent it to the point it makes me fume. I've expressed that a number of times.
But my love it there, I don't stop loving, which is why I have terrible guilt. It's ruining my life right now.
Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.
I have so much FOG it's truly unbearable. See, my father has always been a wonderful father. So I feel like I am letting him down when he needs me. And I do think emotionally, he needs someone, but it should be a wife, or a GF. Or friends. To fill his loneliness. He's not necessarily wailing poor me, he just has old world thinking that this is the right way. I've had to have a number of full on screaming sessions, which I am embarrassed to admit, but its true. I've lost it unfortunately. I think maybe we are making some progress, but surely if I stop screaming, it will all revert. And now I believe I am causing him to fall into depression, so the OG is amplified by 100000X's. I hate this situation.
I do think that he could find his own new accommodation, but if you do feel Obligation you can help him along. Perhaps make an appointment to see an AL for lunch, take him out ‘shopping’ with you and go to the AL. Next time it’s a real shopping trip, so he never refuses to go. That puts some new information into a situation that has become repeat repeat repeat. Be clear that he is moving out, and this is one of the options. Keep up the good work with the screaming, and don’t worry if the wails eventually start!
Do this for the sake of your relationship with him, which will recover when this all stops. Otherwise you will lose your love for him and your feeling that he has been ‘a wonderful father’.