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Hi ! You have a difficult case ... but I will talk to the care giver and give her a chance to explain .... and if it was a mistake on her end .... give her a chance after all she is the one taking care of your Mom .... I’m not saying is ok to take advantage . but every one make mistakes you will probable find worst people out there if you start with a new person plus how will your mom feel about a new person ?? .... I really hope you find a solution ...
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The more I think about this, the more I would be inclined to just tell her not to return. She isn’t doing anything for your mom that anyone else could do. I think you are asking for more trouble if you keep her.

Not worth risking more money being misused or more accurately put, stolen.
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"She explained that it was something for my mother. Do I believe this? No."

Why don't you believe her? You've known this woman for more than five years. There has never been a problem. What makes you think she would screw up all of a sudden?

I assume you didn't ask her what it was she bought. Why not? Again, it's a simple and a reasonable question. You keep records of your mother's expenditure. This is an item of expenditure. So: what was the item?

Here's my guess: Looloo, if you find yourself presented with a gift from your mother on Christmas Day, small but beautifully wrapped, and discover that the caregiver and your mother thought it would be a lovely idea to get you a little something special, how are you going to feel then about your suspicions?

If I were you I should be straightforward about it and ask the caregiver what she bought, because you need to note it down. Stop worrying pointlessly.
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my2cents Dec 2019
If you just read
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What was the item she bought?
Hope the OP returns to let us know. If it is a Christmas present from mom I would feel like slithering under a rock somewhere & disappearing, just sayin.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Doesn’t sound like a gift from what OP has stated.
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I think one of the most important aspects of caregiving are the relationships we're able to establish, or the ones that aren't established b/c of insufficient information.  

So, in general, I think it's wise to "put ourselves in someone else's shoes", and evaluate how we would respond to the different scenarios you consider.

Looloo, if you were in the caregiver's situation, how would YOU want her to respond?  How would YOU want to be treated?   Would you feel hurt, or angry if she made a decision w/o asking specifically what the item involved was?

One of the issues that I think sometimes enters these kinds of relationships is the fear or anxiety of confronting someone directly.  And that's understandable.   It could make or break a good relationship.  

I don't criticize you for advising that your mother's expenditures will be scrutinized more carefully; that's a good step forward.   But I think a direct question of what was the item purchased and for whom needs to be asked.   Having said that, I too would be uncomfortable putting anyone on the spot.

Caregiving can present a lot of challenges in person to person relationships; this situation is one.
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The general consensus is to let the caregiver go and change the locks and get a caregiver from a professional organization that has been vetted and background-checked. Or am I missing something ? If one asks for the best advice and does not use it … ? Then history will repeat itself only worse--- I never heard of a well-meaning crook... all crooks are selfish, mean-spirited, and petty-- and above all, disloyal--- do yourself a BIG FAVOR and send her on her way the day the locksmith comes over-- and tell her you will out a warrant for her arrest if she comes back or bothers your mother.
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DugganB Dec 2019
I forgot the word-- a restraining order-- would be in your and your mother's best interests.
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Duggan,

In my case the agency was selected for me because it was the one that Council on Aging used. But I totally agree with you. A person can always select another agency if they don’t want to allow them to try and resolve an issue.
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I emphasize with your situation. Having helped a family member find a good care giver, and going through so very many, many people - it is virtually impossible to find someone without flaws.
Personally, if I trusted this caregiver in virtually every other way, I would talk with them and tell them that the credit card company informed me of this purchase (as they do with everything purchased) and allow her to explain herself. Unless she responds in a hostile way, I would give her a warning and let it go.
But that's just me.... The thought of starting all over to find a good person who would be trustworthy in all the other ways would be overwhelming.
If you decide to give her another chance, she would know you are tracking things carefully. Unless she is a hardened crook (and it seems you would know that by now) - then she would probably continue to be (mostly) trustworthy.
In my book, being trustworthy with how she takes care of your mom, how she responds to emergencies, how she keeps on track of medications, diet, sleep patterns, etc - all these are more important than anything else.
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First stop thinking about what if . You are taking years off of your life stressing , when an open discussion could solve your dillemma and answer your question to fire and hire . Since you sound as though you are happy with the overall care she provides your. Mom . Then I think you should just be honest open tell her what you discovered and how you feel about it . Ask what happened?. Ask if she were in your position how she would handle the situation . And her response should solve your dillemma also answer your question on weather or not to fire and hire. Relax !! We are all humans we need to communicate with each other . We end up losing years off of our lifespan do to stress .
Remember .
Laughter is good medicine. Love takes the pain away!!.
P.S. I hope you don't come to find out it's a gift your mom had her order for you ( during a cognitive moment) and then may have lost that thought later .
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I wonder why people are still posting on here to the OP? The OP said she made a decision and handled it. Scroll down and you will see it.
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